taken to school

I got my lunch money taken away on the basketball court last night.
I used to play a little basketball, now and again, in my free time. my buddy Dave (the MVP of the night) was getting a game together and said come on down. I figured, sure, why not? i don't play that much any more but it's still good to get out there, shoot a little bit.

except it wasn't good. it was about as far away from good as you can imagine. I was terrible. execrable. it was humiliating. adding insult to injury, the guys on my team were even worse. at least I know how to play and can contribute on the defensive end. my teammates, not so much. my teammates? well, you know that part in hoosiers where the little guy dribbles the ball off his foot and it goes out of bounds? my team was like that, only worse. missed layups and airballs were the order of the day. a jump shot was a haphazard, rotation-free chuck at the rim. and NO ONE would pass, at all, ever. so, let's list the keys to sucking at playground basketball, and see how we did:

1. no passing - check. every guy (except me) was a black hole. I would pass the ball, make a cut hoping to get the ball back, and no. once I got rid of it, there was no getting it back. and forget about getting the ball in a position to score. forget about getting the ball.
   
2. no moving without the ball - check. hey everybody, stand around and wait for the ball so you can keep it, throw it out of bounds, and/or throw it towards the rim (and out of bounds). superb.
   
3. no screening, either on, or away from, the ball - check. this goes with no moving without the ball, so forget about getting a pick, or expecting anybody to run in the right direction if you set a pick for them. idiots.
   
4. big guys playing the wing, small guys playing the block - check. you can always identify a bad streetball player when he doesn't use his size to his advantage and he's got no skills. which brings us to item 5
5. one-hand, or absent, dribbling skills; no shooting; uni-directional post-up play - check. team retardo really showed their mettle here. all of these elements were on prominent display, usually on each posession. you would think it would be easy to defend, since a guy could only go one way. you would think that, except you didn't see team retardo.
   
6. bumblebee spacing (on offense, everyone runs towards the ball, enabling a single defender to guard more than one person) - check. this happened a couple of times, when I'd be in the open floor and one of my teammates would run right at me, along with his defender. what the hell are you doing? take your sorry self and your guy somewhere else.
   
7. (my favorite) super-slow-mo decision making - check. if you do decide to pass: before you throw the ball out of bounds, wait for the defender to catch up. heck, wait for him to tie his shoes, eat a cookie, blow-dry his hair, do some light ab work, whatever. then let him catch up with me, and then throw me the ball. I promise I'll give it back to you so you can score, and by "score" I mean "suck".

i'm looking forward to getting back on the court, working on my game. there is no doubt it needs work. dave and ryan gave me a basketball lesson. taste it.