31 August 2007

personal bests; also, losing

FYI: I hate to lose. at anything. Sometimes it's not so bad, but it's never good. sooo...

First game yesterday in the 7v7 Irvine outdoor co-ed soccer "A" league.

It didn't go well. We got spanked 11-0 and it could have been worse. Even the other team's not-good mascot was scoring goals. (You can always identify that player because every time he does anything the girls on his team cheer waaaay too loudly - I felt awkward for him even though we were getting our asses kicked. He really wasn't bad, either, so I don't know what all the fuss was about.)

The other team was good. My team is not. Supposedly we played one of the top teams in the league. That's a comfort. When I take a beating next time it'll be from one of the mid-level teams, and I won't feel as bad. wait, what?

It's hard to be friendly when you're taking a beating like that. As the manager pointed out, the girls on the other team were really hot. I said I didn't notice at the time because we were getting embarrassed, but he was right. I think the manager was more interested in flirting with the girls on the other team than our crummy loss. Maybe because he was out with a knee injury and sat on the sidelines daydreaming about how much better the game would have gone if he were in it (fact: not much better). It's different when it's happening to you.

we get a bye next week, and play again on 13 september. I'll keep you posted.
speaking of keeping you posted, this post sets a new record for one month of output. or maybe it was the last post. whatever. thanks for reading.
love you --c-

why is everyone picking on the dumb girl? (and I don't mean the girl pictured)

if you haven't seen the video of Miss Teen South Carolina bumbling through the moderately difficult q&a at the Miss Teen something or other contest, check it out. I feel bad for her because everyone is piling on, like they could do better.

More importantly, how did the hot redhead not win this thing? But she's in high school, which is disturbing and gross. Hmm... Minka Kelley is all grown up, and still looks delicious. Advantage, Minka.

29 August 2007

coudal partners missed connections contest : winners (not me); plus, new photog contest

A while back I entered a writing contest for Coudal Partners. I did not win. You can see my entry here. The four winners were pretty good, but one stood out. With thanks to Coudal Partners (trademark owners of the logo at left, I added the text) and winning author Doug Cordes, here's my favorite:

It's time to come clean about my dirty little secret...I walk by you twice a day...you're always moving and shaking for someone else, but i need you-you seem to have a purifying spirit... I have a window into your soul, seeing through your galvanized exterior and exposing all your dirty laundry... you obviously struggle with other people's problems, but I can help you unload... not looking for anything long-term, maybe 20 - 30 mins. So if you want to see my unmentionables, let me know... I'll bring the quarters.


The NEW contest is photography. Sadly, my new camera isn't available yet. Can I work some magic w/ the point and shoot? We'll see. I'll post the efforts here.
The rules:

Remember when you did that trick where you had someone stand near the camera and hold out her hand with the palm facing up, and then you had another person stand a lot further away and positioned him in just the right place so it looked like the first person had a tiny little dude in her hand?

Well do that again. Or some similar sort of in-camera trick and then send a link to the photo to perspective at coudal dot com. We'll pick the most inventive ones and send the Grand Prize Winner a completely complete Jewelboxing Studio ($764) and the runners up will each get some exciting, but not that exciting, prize. No Photoshop trickery allowed and keep in mind if we really like your image we'll want to post on the Coudal.com cover page and our main image shape is horizontal. That is all. Contest ends September 7th.

guitar lessons on your ipod?

When I started playing guitar I had a very specific goal: to play music I like to hear. Playing songs that you enjoy is very satisfying, but there are obstacles. In my case, many obstacles. Some are material (like when I had an electric guitar and no amp), and some are more abstract (general ineptitude).

One of the biggest obstacles is that it's often hard to learn new songs you actually want to play. You can download tablature, but it's not always accurate. Plus music publishing companies are trying to shut them down. Also, the tabs don't say much about timing and strum pattern besides "figure it out from the song". Sometimes easy. Sometimes super hard; seeing it would help a lot.

That's where Now Play It comes in. You can buy guitar (and bass, and drum) lessons in videos. Some of the videos are taught by the actual artist, which is rad. Die-hard fans will go nuts for it, but even the lessons taught by the "in-house tutor" are better than downloading the tab and trying to work it out. Consider Kate Tunstall teaching you how to play one of her songs.

Drawbacks: It costs about $8 a lesson. Also, you learn more about songs/music when you're struggling through it. However, the video lessons don't make it easy, they just make it easier.

rock on with your bad self.

everyone's got their something; or "This guy had a hard workout"

when you have a crummy day, your peeps will offer all kinds of support. Some of them will pray with you, some will tell you that they will come over to keep you company, others will share similar past experiences, whatever.

In a small way, the things your peeps do says something about what they look for when they're having a hard time. It led to the following exchange with one of my closest friends:

me: I'm not doing so good today.
friend: what happened?
me: *&*&@#%^!!***#@??!!!!!
friend: that sucks. do you want me to send me a picture of j-man? [friend's dog]
me: no.
friend (hurt): awwwwwwwwww... meanie!
me: okay. send the picture.

and after I got it, i felt a little better.
Another example that I loved was when my friend J-Jo was having a slow day. he needed a pick me up so he emailed Sam (he of the too-cute engagement photos) and said, i need a pick me up. Instead of encouraging words, Sam emailed him the music file for the theme from Superman. Awesome.

28 August 2007

mama told me there'd be days like this...

[unfunny post ahead - read this or this if you want some laughs]
today was not my favorite day.
got some good advice from a friend w/ a positive mental attitude. He suggested I try to find something I learned from my crummy experience. so here's what I learned today, in numerical order, just for poops and chuckles:
  1. what goes around comes around.
  2. Overrated: my toughness. Underrated: my sex appeal
  3. You can listen to Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel 10 times in a row and it's still awesome. For more info, go here, here, or here.
  4. God humbles the proud.
  5. blah
  6. I have a large network of very good friends.
  7. I read in a formulaic (though entertaining) fantasy book that friends are essential because when you share your joy it's multiplied, but when you share your pain it's divided. I hadn't heard that before, but it makes sense. tested the second part today and it turned out to be right.

That's it. hilarity and photos are coming back soon. I know, these intermediate posts aren't what you're here for. I'll have something good by the end of the week. I'm playing in an adult soccer league, first game Thursday. I'm not good at soccer, so post-game analysis will be rad.

24 August 2007

23 August 2007

the hi-hat from Max Roach, and having a pint w/ Fred Trueman

Max Roach was a great (some say the greatest) jazz drummer. You can get a feel for some of his talent here. I'm not much for jazz, but his drumming is superb. Plus he oozes jazz cool, which is a nice counterpoint to Fred Trueman and his work as a television "presenter".

If Max Roach is jazz cool, then Fred Trueman is Yorkshire awesome. Check out that tie/jacket ensemble, with the sweet flock of seagulls hairdo. Fred was at least a decade out in front of the curve on the haircut. Nicely done.

21 August 2007

so cute it kinda makes you sick

We have a readership with a wide range of tastes here at GJAW, so this post is for the ladies. All 2 of you.
ahhh, love. I don't know much about it but my friend and his fee-yawn-say took some cute engagement photos.

If you know him, or if you are a dork and want to be encouraged by another dork's ability to get a pretty girl to love/marry him, review the full slideshow. The pictures are very cool - a nice departure from the usual b/w shots on the beach.

20 August 2007

just to get that terrible cock&balls off the top of the page

I had to have something funny. so it's this again. better than the red brigade, that's for sure.

polish sausage

this is the polish national cycling team.

18 August 2007

I don't want to sound too agency pitch-ish, but ...

[i had a video embedded here but it took too long for the page to load. Use the link instead.]
My pitch strategy is that I'm going to make an unsolicited 'viral video' to become your ad agency. According to Tom, the VP Creative Director of Douchebaggery, it's "got to be funny" and "prove who we are." Tom, it's definitely unintentionally funny, so mission accomplished on objective A, and you are clearly a jackass, so mission accomplished on objective B. Also, feel free to introduce yourself to a razor before you come to work in the morning, and, FYI, they call them "undershirts" because you wear them under your shirt. Well, you don't, but you get the idea.

Review the video above for an example of more outstanding 'creative' talent. I don't want to sound too "agency pitch-ish" [thanks, Senior Art Director Andrew!] but if this is the best you can do, you guys are a bunch of g-damn idiots.

[ed. aside: Kate is actually kind of cute, so just turn the sound off when she describes herself as a combination of "Grace Kelley and Rodney Dangerfield".]

Now enjoy the response from Coudal Partners, also an ad agency. And not lame. It's about 2 minutes, and it's awesome. Big ups to Jim Coudal, Worldwide Executive Creative Director.

17 August 2007

writing contests are good for you

I entered a writing contest sponsored by Coudal Partners.

You were supposed to write a 'missed connection' email to some inanimate object (they refer to the contest on their site, but it's for 'infrequent mailings' subscribers only - sign up!). you can review your local clist to get a feel for the format. If you're too lazy to check there, all you need to know is that they are lame and ridiculous. Who thinks they can track a person down on craigslist?

[aside: i know a guy that posts a vague "you: attractive blonde driving in the jetta on 405 fwy @ 815 this morning - m4w" ad once a week or so, just to see what he can fish up. seriously. I can't decide if he's a genius or a jackass. both?]

I chose a pair of Nike Air Max 95 running shoes for my missed connection.

Here's my entry:

You - 1995 Air Max running shoes in orange/grey (m4s)

You: A pair of reissued Air Max '95 running shoes in the rare orange/grey colorway, size 10. You were at my local trendy shoe shop the week of August 5th. I knew your original issue back in '95. It's been 12 years, but you haven't lost a step. You look better than ever.

me: blue 7 jeans, fitted light grey t-shirt, six feet tall, close cropped brown hair, athletic build,

You were sitting there with your big air bubble in the heel, small, perky bubble at the toe. You were cocked at a 45 degree angle (right shoe only). I recognized your sexy orange lace-loops, your grey stripes, orange accents in the sole, your unique round (not flat) laces. I could tell by the way you were looking at me that we had something special. You stood out because you were sleek enough for exercise or dressy enough to wear with jeans. I held you, caressed your supple shape. You spoke to me of both business and pleasure, like the shoe version of a mullet, only cooler. And more expensive.

And that's the rub: the expense. I was scared off by your $150 price tag. Too much, I said. I need to think about it. But when I went back the next week, to bring you into my life, I had missed out.

I asked the shoe guy what happened, and he said, "we got some, but they sold out the next day."
I've been back to the shoe store over and over again to find you, and the shoe guy has tried to get me to cheat on you with other colors, but I can't do it. It's you or nothing. Walk back into my life; the next time I see you, I won't hesitate.

14 August 2007

you can't put a price on douchebaggery - wait, yes you can. $54 million sounds about right

Judges can be pompous assholes. Like cops, but worse. Anyone that's stood before a judge, or stood in a courtroom while they did their (boring, often lame) job knows that. So it's not a big surprise to hear that it's a judge that is suing someone else for $54 million over a pair of pants. Of course it's a judge. Only a judge would be a big enough asshole to think he could get away with it. A practicing attorney wouldn't bother; they have to bill hours for a living. You can read the whole story at any number of outlets. Here's one. I chose the yahoo/reuters story because the headline is "Judge presses suit over $54 mln pants". Get it? "presses"? Honk! Also, the yahoo/reuters story explains the math that the judge used to arrive at his $54 mln figure. He didn't just pull it out of thin air, people.

Roy had his first case thrown out, but now he's appealing.

I wanted to take a few minutes and induct the Hon. Roy Pearson into the douchebag hall of fame. That's him at left, hauling the case of what must be his supply of Rx drugs he needs to get through the day.

AP Photo/ Jacquelyn Martin, and good job, because this guy is hard to get a picture of. really. either he's media shy or he knows that he's being a jackass. maybe both.

where can i get me one of these?

i don't care what it takes, i need one of these things. immediately if not sooner.

it's gonna be great. i can make it play dress-up and then take sweet pictures. when it gets old enough to talk I can teach it swear words. with any luck it'll be a boy and as long he doesn't commit any felonies before he's 18 and gets into college it'll be fine.

if I have a girl it'll be the same thing but as soon as she hits puberty she'll have to go to a convent. no one touches the daughter. no one.

what, i have to provide for it? enh, i heard the expense was worth it. I'll give it some thought when i'm on the beach in bali this fall. i'm unconcerned about the whole diaper/poopie issue. that's what the wife is for. (duh!) that's my whole parenting strategy. If it's messy, dirty, or difficult, "ask your mother". That's what they're there for, right? I'm old school.

ahh, I kid. (pun intended! honk!) sweet image courtesy uncov2.0.

10 August 2007

you spent how much?

Good friend of mine went on a blind date this week. He made reservations at one of his regular date spots, cost is around $90 for two (including wine), plus easy to get a table on a Wednesday. So he meets the girl, takes her to the spot, and there's no menus. Odd, he says.

Waiter says: thanks for coming on our special 6 course chef's tasting menu night. Prepare for a delicious feast!
He says, Bring me your finest meats and cheeses! no he didn't. he said: errm, ahh, sure, great?!?

Tasting menu commences. He overeats, food is good but not great, whatever. Bill comes out. It's $125 per person.
Tax and tip, comes to $280. For a dinner for 2. on a blind date. He could have bought a wii for that kind of money.

As for the date, the girl is very keen to go out again. Him, not so much.

08 August 2007

Animals need love, too

If you hadn't heard, I volunteer at the local animal shelter. Something to do, gets me out of the house, etc, etc.

That handsome devil at left is named Foster, and he is the current champion of reaching through the bars and scratching your nose if you are not paying attention when you read his chart. He's a big, athletic cat, and he's got exceptional reach.

I don't know much about animal care. Just the basics. I know a lot about sweeping, mopping, and doing laundry, which, as it happens, is a big part of volunteering at the local shelter. One drawback to doing the laundry is the unpleasant smell. There's really no way around it. The cats make some mess, but the smelliest animals of all (aside from the baby ducks- who knew?) are the puppies. They weedle everywhere. And weedle stinks like I can't even tell you. Puppies are cute but overrated. Even kittens use the litterbox. Score one for the the cats.

Some other shelter points of interest:
- you get to play with cats, dogs and kittens but they don't wreck shop in your house. puppies, not so much. they're fun for a few seconds but they lose interest. kittens and dogs are a lot more fun. cats are hit or miss. it's their nature.

- unlimited pussy jokes when you're working with the cats. not my taste in humor, but some of my friends think it's hilarious. they also loooooove dick jokes.

- you can go to the shelter when it's closed to the general public and feed the goat (they let him out of his pen and give him the run of the grassy areas on closed days)

- random animals come in for care, like tortoises, a pigeon (why?), guinea pigs, turtles, 3 potbellied pigs (friends w/ the goat), cockatiels, and rabbits. i'm waiting for when they bring a wounded hawk in and they feed him the rabbits. (this is not a popular view around the shelter, but I'm pumped for it)

- I'm a huge hit with the girls at the shelter, and by "girls" i mean "grandmothers". and there are many. if they were only 3 or 4 decades younger...

that's it for now. please have all your pets spayed or neutered. i mean it. and adopt from a shelter. ;)

Brady, welcome to camp!

Ahh, Brady Quinn ended his holdout. That's big news if you care about Browns football. That doesn't describe me in any way, so let's move on.

The graphic comes courtesy Kissing Suzy Kolber (the original) and then the genius 289 at withleather made a brilliant modification. I added the (redundant) "To Douchebaggery" text. Because Quinn, who I don't know and will never meet, seems like a douchebag. I hate to be a judgmental dick about it, but there it is.

And lastly, for the Steelers fans: Steely McBeam? Your new mascot is named Steely McBeam? Was Chest Rockwell already taken? for f's sake.

07 August 2007

when your commitment to nerd knows no bounds...

tattoos are just skin pictures. unless it's a (the?) bluescreen of death windows crash message.

i feel like this is a bit much.


and check this link for the guy that got not one, but two tattoos related to the zune music player. guess there's not much going on in his life, either.

he needs a blog.

06 August 2007

i am a very lucky idiot

recovery from the impressive (though relatively harmless) crash continues. rumor has it i would be an internet sensation already if I had captured it on video. a ha.

here's how it went down:
speeding around a corner to keep up with my friends (who had slowed - as it happens, a wise choice), i hit a patch of sandy rocks.

turning the wheel has no effect. brakes had no effect. tried to get the rear end to spin around. that didn't work. i'm in trouble, and I've got 3 options (as shown in my brilliant diagram):
1. Make the turn
2. run into the end of a wooden fence, and very probably break myself or the bike. or both.
3. Careen into the drainage ditch.

Bike goes w/ option 2. I take option 3: launch off bike, front flip over handlebars, land in ditch/bushes. instead of disaster, i've got only some scrapes and bruises. i missed the fence entirely, and the bushes helped cushion my fall. I traded some scratches for a hard landing. it was worth it. I also had a helmet and gloves on, so that helped. and i'm an idiot. which did not help.

love you.

02 August 2007

Jim Harbaugh tells truth, is insulted

ahh, it didn't take any time at all to find something awesome. I barely know who Jim Harbaugh is. Apparently he played football at Michigan. And, as crazy as it might sound, the academic program for the athletes there was/is not very rigorous. According to si.com:

Harbaugh in May told the San Francisco Examiner that Michigan admitted athletes who were borderline academically, then steered them into less-challenging courses to keep them eligible.

Can you imagine such a thing? How could he even suggest it? The current Michigan coach called his comments "elitist" and "arrogant". I didn't go to Michigan, so I didn't know that "elitist" meant the same thing as "true", and "arrogant" also means "accurate".

The Stanford AD said that there will be no more comments from Harbaugh. That'll teach him.

it's been a crazy, busy week

They're cracking down over at the Fremulon offices, so I haven't had a chance to do any blog posting. I'm important. It happens.

But I'm back now and lots has happened. Bill Walsh died, and that wasn't funny. He was a cerebral, intelligent football coach, some say the first of that type. I think that's overstating things a little, but there's no doubt he was a smart guy, with a fair eye for talent, and a master motivator. He wasn't one to let emotion cloud his judgement, as when he let Joe Montana leave for the Kansas City Chiefs. (That was a turning point in my sport fandom, when I realized that rooting for a particular team was what Seinfeld called "cheering for laundry, one jersey over another.")

In any case, Bill Walsh knew he had another pretty good quarterback that was ready to enter the prime of his career. Thus Steve Young began winning football games for the 49ers. Voila, or, as i've seen it spelled recently "wa-la!"

More posts soon. I went mountain bike riding and crashed. No harm done, but i did a front flip over the handlebars into a ditch. And Barry Bonds should hit his record-breaking home run soon, which will prompt much hand-wringing and self-righteous blather from the scribes, which I will then lampoon in my inimitable style. Get excited. and maybe something about what an idiot Dick Vitale is, just for kicks.
thanks for reading.

ps. i suck at guitar. a lot. so I will post about that, too.