31 May 2007

Sportswriters are bitter because they're ugly and the pay sucks*


Barry Bonds is a polarizing figure. He's also, by all accounts, a titanic jerk. At least, that's the way he's portrayed in the press. I don't know, because I've never met him. I do know that you can't take the full account of a person from what you read or hear. People have written exhaustive books about it, though. So you can decide for yourself.

One certainty is that Jon Heyman, in his most self-righteous and sanctimonious tone, will defend the magic and truth of baseball to his dying breath. Thank God for that.

Hank Aaron is the smart one in baseball's sad spectacle. He isn't coming to Barry Bonds' unhappy party, and he isn't really saying why.

Perfect.

Jon, why is that perfect?

Aaron has told people I know that he has no interest in honoring Bonds. But by now that should be obvious. And no one should blame him for that. Many of us feel that way, too, and Bonds -- who's now only nine home runs shy of Aaron's record 755 -- hasn't stolen one thing from us.

I sense some anger here, Jon. And, who said anything about stealing? Are you taking this personally? Was Barry Bonds rude to you at some point? If BB passes Hammerin' Hank, will you hold onto the old home run record because it has more truthiness? More superbosity?

Besides, why should Aaron want to participate in a sad spectacle that's getting sadder by the day? The latest bit of negativity came via Bonds, who is now saying he won't hand over his record-breaking artifacts to Cooperstown because he cares only about himself.

I fell compelled to point out here that the latest bit of negativity comes via J. Heyman, writer at Sports Illustrated. It could be that Bonds won't hand over any of his artifacts to Cooperstown because Bud Selig is a douchebag, or because he's a nutcase who (some speculate) was driven to start using steroids because he was jealous of all the attention other steroid users were getting (I'm looking at you Sosa and McGwire), or because the Baseball HOF is full of crackers and segregationists and similar. Or not. Hard to say, since he won't talk to you. But you can write mean things about him, protect the game, as it were.

That's fine, because about the only person truly excited about this record is him.


There may be more than one person excited about it. I'm guessing. Bruce Bochy is pumped. He needs the Giants to win. And he sucks at managing (separate issue, I know).

Aaron is right for doing what he is doing, which is nothing. Nothing is what Bonds' record deserves.

I didn't know that, but I'm glad you told me. Otherwise I might have thought damn, that guy seems like a jerk, but he's really really good at baseball. Who cares if he took steroids? I guess the same people that think Hank Aaron never took greenies, and that Babe Ruth was godlike, even though he didn't have to play against black or brown people. That's a big advantage, because they are pretty good at sports, these non-whites. You can look it up.

Middle America hates Barry because he's not white, and he doesn't give a shit about you or anything but being really good at baseball. And because you write articles about what a jerk he is, and how his record is meaningless.

Feel free to get off your high-horse and join the rest of the rank and file any time you like, Jon. We'll be over here, enjoying our beers while we watch Barrold Bonds hit another unhittable pitch over the bleachers. Then we'll get back to our lives. We're funny that way.

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* title stolen from withleather.com. It's the truest thing I've ever read about sportswriters. and writers in general.

30 May 2007

how much does it cost to make a great movie?

i guess it depends who you ask. you can spend $450,000,000 on a steaming pile of sh*t, or you can spend, oh, I don't know, maybe $100,000 on a masterpiece. Probably not even that much. Maybe if the spider-man people had spent their money on something original and real instead of CGI junk they might have done better. then again, maybe not. I don't think Tobey's much of a musician.

See Once at your local independent cinema, or when it comes out on netflix.

i'm on your computer, boring you to tears


I don't know what you think is funny and/or cute. some people like puppies. maybe you're into lolcats (explained at length over on slate). here's an excerpt:

Here's an idea: The furious social networking of Web 2.0 makes the Internet even more like high school than it already was. Message boards and blogs develop their own language, references, and games as soon as they acquire an audience. This photo [shown at left] actually contains two Internet in-jokes. The "I'm in ur X, doing Y" construction is a punch line found all over the place, and originates from an old video game taunt: "I am in your base, killing your d00ds." The other joke here is the informal competition to make the most realistic "transparent screen." Notice how the laptop appears to display what is actually behind it—geek trompe l'oeil.

Geek hits a new high. great.
but now that you got current on all of that, what about this? Maybe that's not your particular brand of humor. Maybe you don't have a sense of humor. Oh well. I laughed.
Full credit to Kissing Suzy Kolber (blog) for the lolpitbull, and slate and icanhascheeseburger for their respective content.
thanks for reading.

23 May 2007

Ian Thomsen wants idiot-fries with his stupid-burger

I know it's hard to come up with something intelligent to say every single day. New material is tough, but in modern media you have to feed the beast. That means lots of sensational, idiotic news, bad TV, and, very often, really bad sportswriting. Take it away, Mr. Thomsen:

The Boston Celtics can claim they are cursed after tumbling in the lottery for the second time in a decade. But the truth, confirmed yet again by Tuesday's miserable result, is that they never should have traded for Sebastian Telfair.

Curses are nonsense made up by nonsensical nincompoops from Nonsenseland. You have nothing to write about in the way of news, so you create an "angle", and by "angle" I mean "paranoid falsehood". What happens in a lottery is that it's a lottery. So you don't know what will happen. Wait, you mean you do know? You can predict the future? Wow...

That deal on draft day last year sent the eventual rights to Brandon Roy onto Portland. Consider the ensuing chain of events.

This is the part where you should have paid attention in critical thinking class. I got a C in crit think (you can look it up), but even I can C (get it?? honk!!) that this is ridiculous.

Roy became the Rookie of the Year who helped the Trail Blazers win a surprising 32 games this season, earning them the No. 6 position going into the lottery -- which in turn earned them the No. 1 pick overall. Would the Blazers have won as many as 32 games with Telfair on their roster instead of Roy? The answer is a solid NO. It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring
Greg Oden to Portland.

Wait, what? You mean by making their chances worse, Portland actually made them better? In what bizarro world does that make any kind of sense? Because the number 6 position was going to be number 1 all along? That is so dumb I'm going to copy it again so you can read it a few more times.

It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.
It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.
It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.

Yeah, that's still the dumbest fucking thing I've seen in a while.

Here is how the NBA lottery works: The fewer games you win, the better chance you have of getting the top pick in the draft. You get a ball with a number on it, and they put it in a big hopper, and pull it out. Each team has a percentage. Boston was 28ish% to get the first pick, Memphis 25ish%, etc.

Ian Thomsen is saying that if you win MORE games, reduce your chances of getting the first pick, you will get the first pick. But then he reverses course.

Am I saying that the Celtics somehow should have had the foresight to avoid the Roy trade in order to position themselves for Oden? Of course not. All I'm saying is that a bad trade looks even worse now, given the extent to which it helped the Blazers.

No, that's not what you're saying. Remember this?

It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.

How do you get away with writing this stuff? and getting paid to do it?

delivering a big digital slice of go f yourself


sometimes you make mistakes. and then you get to pay. If you've been following good case-onomic principles, you get to pay anyway. That's what makes it gooder.

In times like these, your best bet is to get over it, but not before you send out a big digital helping of GO F YOURSELF
  • to the Costa Mesa Police Department for giving me my second red light ticket in as many months. I'm a jackass for getting another ticket, as I was in violation of the letter of the law. As an added bonus, you have bought my eternal disdain. Seriously, go f yourself.
  • to the San Antonio Spurs. I am no big fan of the Suns, but when your "best defensive player" is a cheap shot artist in need of a smack in the face, and your "big shot" artist is a fraud (no one remembers the shots you miss) then I can only hope you lose, and soon.
  • to Ian Thomsen for being an idiot. You deserve your own topic. I'll get right on it.
  • to the guys that damaged my heater/ac thermostat wires when you fixed my drywall. Classic case-onomics: while fixing one thing, break something more expensive. great job. I had that $350 earmarked for my favorite public institution (CMPD), but I'll fit a new wireless thermostat in the budget, too.
There's a lot of love in the room.
a lot.

could be worse. tomorrow I won't care about any of this stuff.
ian thomsen inspired post on idiocy and false reasoning coming soon. get excited.

18 May 2007

maroon 5's new record is supposed to be good. or not.

Unlike some people I know, I remember liking the first maroon 5 record. a friend gave it to me and it hung around in the car cd player for a while. I remember thinking some of the songs were catchy and deliciously cheesy. disclaimer: My musical taste is very unsophisticated.

One of the music critics at the Guardian (UK) thinks the new record is not very good. Here's her summary:

Imagine living in Worseland listening to the worst man you've ever met singing the worst thing you've ever heard, and make it worse.

I guess that covers it.

dj Dan: worth the money // i need a nap

time again for my semi-regular feature on club night in the OC. Because of the quirky (read: weak) club scene in the OC, it's easy to see big-name DJs at small clubs. Carl Cox, Roger Sanchez, Crystal Method, and Bad Boy Bill have all spun a Thursday night gig in the past 6 months. That might not sound fun to you, but it's cool if you're into it. I'm into it because it's $10 and close by. Last night was free because my friend Sappy McSadpants knew somebody or something. you care.

Last night was house music big shot DJ Dan. He started early, played a solid 2+ hour set. Good times. Unexpected bonus: There was a private party at the club beforehand, and in case you were wondering, the staff at ocean magazine is ridiculously good looking. So thaaat's where the FIDM graduates go when they finish school. Good to know.
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I need a nap.
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ps. i'm bringing the funny back on Monday. The sexy has been here the whole time.

14 May 2007

Decreasing WorldSuck, one peep at a time


this is maybe one of the best things ever. not the brothers that decided to communicate via video (nothing against it, but two guys talking on the interweb is still just two guys talking, on the interweb). No, I'm talking about the WorldSuck Index, and the Foundation to Decrease WorldSuck.

I was a bit bored over the weekend and watched a few minutes of one of the videos. it was great if that's what you're into (I'm not). But I liked the WSI, so i'm sharing it with you.

enjoy. and make a contribution to their Foundation, if you've got some spare change lying around and a paypal account.

11 May 2007

when making fun of Dick Vitale isn't enough


greetings from the OC. nice weather here lately.
I miss you. it's been a while since I posted, but I didn't have anything good to share.

I was all set to write a funny post about that other thing, but it got derailed. It wasn't funny, or clever (funny and cleverness of previous posts implied, not guaranteed).

So you get that most feeble of fillers: the link dump. kind of but not really sorry about it.
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* see picture at top right for a sexy example

03 May 2007

02 May 2007

it's not old, it's "vintage"


sometimes creative people do clever things. and share them. If you're into that sort of thing, do one of your own and send it in.
I picked up the reel to reel prints. I wanted the print of the old (oops, "vintage") cameras, but that one sold out. the reel to reels are just as cool.

the sketchbook looks bitchin, too.

photos; you did what?; plus: another dating red flag!


Photo is from my trip to a faraway land. Careful observers will see a person on the stairs in the middle foreground. Good for scale.

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in other news, the fat kid cut his finger doing the dishes last night. minor setback. apply direct pressure, put a band aid on it, etc. after a while it stopped bleeding so I decided to put laundry away. In retrospect, this was not the smartest. it goes great until the very last thing I put away and I bleed on the laundry. that's frustrating. walking away from dresser in a huff, I stubbed my toe sharply on my guitar case. now i'm bleeding on the carpet. it's a crime scene at chez Butterball. tragedy to comedy. I have to wrap foot in a towel, walk downstairs to get spot remover, and clean up the mess. after I applied multiple band-aids i went to bed.

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dating red flags, law school edition: friend KW meets a lot of guys. she's a nice girl, and she's in law school, and she lives in the bay area, so there's a lot of guys to meet. anyways, she met a guy recently and in conversation he said, roughly

I don't like to read to broaden my mind; I prefer TV. I feel my mind is broad enough.

who could disagree with that kind of genius?
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thanks for reading.