Ian Thomsen wants idiot-fries with his stupid-burger

I know it's hard to come up with something intelligent to say every single day. New material is tough, but in modern media you have to feed the beast. That means lots of sensational, idiotic news, bad TV, and, very often, really bad sportswriting. Take it away, Mr. Thomsen:

The Boston Celtics can claim they are cursed after tumbling in the lottery for the second time in a decade. But the truth, confirmed yet again by Tuesday's miserable result, is that they never should have traded for Sebastian Telfair.

Curses are nonsense made up by nonsensical nincompoops from Nonsenseland. You have nothing to write about in the way of news, so you create an "angle", and by "angle" I mean "paranoid falsehood". What happens in a lottery is that it's a lottery. So you don't know what will happen. Wait, you mean you do know? You can predict the future? Wow...

That deal on draft day last year sent the eventual rights to Brandon Roy onto Portland. Consider the ensuing chain of events.

This is the part where you should have paid attention in critical thinking class. I got a C in crit think (you can look it up), but even I can C (get it?? honk!!) that this is ridiculous.

Roy became the Rookie of the Year who helped the Trail Blazers win a surprising 32 games this season, earning them the No. 6 position going into the lottery -- which in turn earned them the No. 1 pick overall. Would the Blazers have won as many as 32 games with Telfair on their roster instead of Roy? The answer is a solid NO. It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.

Wait, what? You mean by making their chances worse, Portland actually made them better? In what bizarro world does that make any kind of sense? Because the number 6 position was going to be number 1 all along? That is so dumb I'm going to copy it again so you can read it a few more times.

It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.
It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.
It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.

Yeah, that's still the dumbest fucking thing I've seen in a while.

Here is how the NBA lottery works: The fewer games you win, the better chance you have of getting the top pick in the draft. You get a ball with a number on it, and they put it in a big hopper, and pull it out. Each team has a percentage. Boston was 28ish% to get the first pick, Memphis 25ish%, etc.

Ian Thomsen is saying that if you win MORE games, reduce your chances of getting the first pick, you will get the first pick. But then he reverses course.

Am I saying that the Celtics somehow should have had the foresight to avoid the Roy trade in order to position themselves for Oden? Of course not. All I'm saying is that a bad trade looks even worse now, given the extent to which it helped the Blazers.

No, that's not what you're saying. Remember this?

It can now be said that the acquisition of Roy, more than any other move, helped bring Greg Oden to Portland.

How do you get away with writing this stuff? and getting paid to do it?