Allow me to retort

Got some feedback on the frat-dick post. (Scroll down and scan for douchebaggery - you can't miss it.)

My responses are embedded below...

1) Your friends are dead ringers - i'm mean DEAD RINGERS - for the ADPi's at cal
The ADPis at UCSB were pretty strong when I left college, but not as good as they were when I got there. Their heyday was the early- to mid-90's. The girls in the photo are definitely not on par with the rest of the house - makes sense if you consider that I'm in it too.

2) you smoked? is that weed?
Apparently so because it seemed to go with the costume and haircut, and no, it's a cigarette. Here's a shot of me lighting up in a Paris cafe several years later. When in Rome, &tc.

3) i find myself torn between feelings of revulsion and unwavering adulation. your commitment is veering me towards unwavering adulation.
Even if you're repulsed (as I am) you have to appreciate the commitment to the enterprise (as I do).

Can I get that beatdown supreme with a side of humiliation? Thanks.

Yikes what a week for the fat kid. I got miserably sick and then had that competition. I guess all the training and nutrition issues and stress contributed to the illness because I was miserable on competition day. Definitely not ideal.

In the end it wouldn't have mattered because I was overmatched and outclassed in my first match. Good draw for my competitor, bad draw for me. I got ezekiel choked in 45 seconds. Actual order of maneuvers looked like a jiu-jistu clinic, practiced on me:

1. Hip throw to side control.
2. Full mount
3. Ezekiel choke and done dishes. The ezekiel choke is interesting in that it's an attrition choke, not a constriction choke. The difference is that in an attrition choke you tap because it hurts, instead of because you black out. I had a wicked bad sore throat so that made it hurt even worse, which added insult to injury.

So that sucked. Good learning experience and better to compete and lose than not compete and so forth and so on. I wish I had done some actual jiu-jitsu instead of just flail around, but it's too late now. I'll do better next time. (Can't do much worse.)

On the upside, my team placed third. The first two teams were from super-huge BJJ academies, literally 10x-20x the size of my school. And then there was us. So that was superb.

Dating Red Flags - recycled

I have done some posts on dating red flags, and because clicking through is cool only when you're trying to make some money, here's the full compiled list. I list it here not necessarily because I have any new ones (I don't), but because I wanted to share some stories about online dating, which I decided to try because I was bored. On reflection, if I had consulted my own blog for dating tips I might have done a bit better. But what fun would that be?

Dating Red Flags( i.e. avoid the following):

• Girl is on more than one type of medication - that includes self-medication, like booze, caffeine, and nicotine. For example, if a girl takes paxil, that's okay. If a girl drinks, takes paxil, and also smokes, that's a red flag.
  
• an inability to compromise - there's a joke here about dating miss right vs. dating miss always right, but its been done.
  
• spending too much time on your myspace/facebook page - this might be very similar to "spending too much time on a blog", but I don't think so. if your myspace page has a sweet custom layout and lots of scrolling pictures and you update it every day and post bulletins for all your friends to read then you should get out more. You're probably a really cool person (look how cool your myspace page is!).
• an open sore on her face - I went on a first date with a girl and she had a "cold sore". she should have had the good sense to reschedule, put her best foot forward, etc. she had some issues she was working through, no doubt about that. I found out later that she was a lesbian. (really)
  
• a girl that takes more than an hour to get ready - if you can't take a shower, get your hair sorted, get dressed, and get your makeup on in sixty minutes or less then we can't hang out. The problem with a girl that takes a really long time to get ready is that she probably...
• looks super weathered in the AM - if you look really rugged first thing in the morning then that's a Red Flag for sure. if a girl looks cute w/ her makeup all smeared and her hair all over the place, then she's a keeper. side note: close friend was telling me about his crazy roommate, and saying she meets guys on myspace and she's constantly meeting new guys and they only last for 2 weeks, and then they bounce. I said yeah for sure, she's cuter in pictures than in person. He says, no, it's not that; they bounce after they stay the night and see her the morning after. ohhh, snap!
  
• girl that doesn't work out - trust me honey, it'll catch up with you someday. and by then it'll be too late, b/c it's much, much harder to lose weight than it is to stay in shape.
  
• girl that doesn't eat - please, eat something.
  
• girl that has a miniature dog she treats like a child - you, as the new guy, will be competing for the dog's attention. forever. you're better off dating a girl that has a kid. note: if the girl has a full-sized dog then it's okay. you can take the dog for walks, hang out, etc. it's the toy dogs, and their owners, you need to avoid.
  
• girl that thinks cosmo is gospel, and/or that thinks she is "just like" a character on Sex and the City - Cosmo is full of lies from the pit of hell, and it's just crazy to think that you are someone on TV. I think I stopped dreaming about being someone on TV when Knight Rider went off the air in 1986. I was 12.

No means yes

Remember that one time*, in college, when we had that 80's prom theme party with A-D-PI (or however the hell you say it) and you dyed your hair and rented a chocolate brown tux w/ matching shirt and generally maximized your frat-dick potential? No? Well fuck you, because I have a picture of it right here.

(Thanks to Jay for putting this on facebook and tagging it.)


* "That one time" means, roughly, 1994-1997ish. With occasional (frequent?) lapses from then until, umm, now.

Has it been a week already?

Many congratulations to my people that worked hard on the World Baseball Classic. It's hard to travel all over the western hemisphere and put events together, especially when your big boss is a milquetoast boob. The game itself was actually not terrible, although I was compelled to remind my friend (attending the game) that although the Asian players hit like my sister, they are wonderful to watch in the field. And they hustle on every play. Now that Manny has a fat contract you won't see that kind of consistent effort in Dodger Stadium for the rest of the year.

The key quote from last nights Selig interview in the booth during the WBC finals was Selig throwing the following into the conversation, "Well, I think everything Jeter does is extraordinary." Can you imagine David Stern saying something like that about Kobe Bryant? No you can't, because Stern is a CEO, not a starry-eyed sycophant. I guess throwing your teammates under the bus and being a below-average fielder at your position is "extraordinary". Every time Jeter takes a shit? Extraordinary. Breaks my heart with that little minx Minka Kelley? Phenomenal. Grounds out weakly to first? Amazing. Being the second-best shortstop on your own team and still playing shortstop? You're like a God to me. You and Scott Brosius and Paul O'Neill are the holy trinity of True Yankee Douchebaggery.

In other baseball news, Curt Schilling retired. He doesn't display a very nuanced understanding of baseball statistics (any discussion that starts with win/loss record and all star appearances is, by definition, a sign of ignorance) but he was a very good pitcher and he always played hard. Full credit to him - hopefully we won't hear from him for another 5 years.

No idea where I got that photo of Minka. Somewhere on the internets. It's from when I was still using photos uncredited. Shame on me. I didn't want to use it again but she's so cute I can't stand it. (awkward?)

Having a Field (Notes) Day

Ordered my new Field Notes in a strong, strong 'butcher orange' color back in February, then forgot to check the mailbox at work for the next 6 weeks. So I didn't get them until today. I had thought I ordered them, but couldn't remember if the website was working and figured that I had tried but it didn't work out b/c it was too busy and something or other.

February was a busy month for the fat kid. I had a birthday, and, ummm, a bunch of other stuff happened. Maybe if I had my Field Notes I could have written it all down. Maybe. Mostly I use them for (bad) song lyrics and notes on chord patterns and guitar practice. And workouts. And shopping lists. Also v. handy at the bookstore and the grocery. Or on Amazon. Or itunes. Or a sketchbook, if you're into that.

The pen and pencil were a bonus gift. The duck is a desk ornament gift from several years go that my boss gave me. It's good luck. Coudal Partners static cling logo was lurking in there too.

Anyway, I've got extra notebooks, so if this is the kind of thing you might like let me know and I'll put one in an envelope for you, strictly on a trial basis. If you're keen maybe I'll pick you up a little something for Christmas.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Enough science, let's drink some beers

I don't know what it is about today that makes me want to drink 17 Smithwicks, give lots of people hugs, and sloppily kiss a girl (or two) at the bar. And then pass out at 8. Preferably at home.

Just seeing that google doodle (kudos and credits to the contest winner Evan O'Sullivan Glynn) makes me thirsty. Smithwicks (pronounced "SMITH-icks", without the 'w') is the St. Patrick's day beer of choice because it's a great "session" beer. That is, it's a great beer for when you're planning on having a drinking session, as opposed to just one or two before it's your bedtime. Don't order Guinness; that's for posers. Harp is an acceptable alternative if you can't get Smithwicks.

(Un)Fortunately I'm both gainfully employed and on the program until after Friday, 27 March. Regular readers will remember that as the day I am scheduled to get my ass kicked for the not-inexpensive price of $82. I was offered a generous reduced rate on the ass-kicking from a friend of mine who, coincidentally, is probably enjoying some of Boston's finest pubs and very, very mediocre-looking girls even as I type this.

Midweek St. Patrick's day is cramping my style a little bit. It needs to be on a Thursday or Friday every year. And if the International Brazilian Jiu Jitsu federation could get me a special St. Patrick's day waiver on the weight limit that would be even more helpful. Either that or move the competition back a week, give me more time to train. And by "train" I mean "recover".

I heart predatory sea creatures

They discovered a fossil of a huge predatory sea creature in Norway. (It's cold up there so I hope it had a sweater on.)

My favorite thing about the discovery of these creatures is that it highlights how much we don't know about life as it existed before humans arrived. We plod along and try to piece the puzzle together but the truth is we can only guess, we can't really know. On the upside we get some really cool "artistic renderings" but those have only slightly more scientific value than the drawing that you see here. The guy that drew the fancy one over on the Guardian is definitely a more qualified artist, but we have both seen exactly as many living pliosaurs as you have: zero. Just sayin'.

I'm fond of my own rendering. He's having a Galapagos tortoise for a snack. Grrrrrrr...

Special bonus: the fossil-hunters called in the wonderfully named Dr. Frank Fish, who is an expert on the biomechanics of cetacean flippers. And his last name is Fish. And he's an expert on fish. Hello? Is this thing on?

Why are you picking on me? (yay for puns!)

When the ex and I quit talking back in December I got rid of everything that reminded me of her. Didn't matter what it was, how useful or expensive it might have been, whatever.

It didn't take long because I'm not much for keepsakes anyway. And it made me feel a little better at the time.

Fast-forward 3 months, and I was surprised to realize that the only thing left was a fragile pattern of my guitar pics she had put together in about 30 seconds while she was waiting for me one day. (Not sure why I didn't make the connection before now.) In the many months since she did it it I have carefully kept them as they were, long after the purge, even avoiding dusting around them so that they remained undisturbed. That changed earlier this week, but before I moved them I took a picture of the arrangement because it was all that was left of her.

In December it felt kind of good to throw everything out.
Putting these away just made me sad.

Metal Rules

Found this on filmdrunk. And I'm excited.

In other news, always knock or ring the doorbell before you walk in someone's house. If you're reading this you probably don't need to be told these kinds of things, because you're NOT the dumbass that walked into my house 20 minutes ago and asked if they were in the right place. No fucko, you're not, because you're in my living room, and you should be on my porch. It's not really their fault - the roommate they were here to see should have taken care of it. My fault for not being very welcoming. And their fault for not ringing the doorbell and announcing themselves when they walked in. Who walks in someone's house without knocking? Besides the clown that was just here, I mean. Idiots.

Narcissism is the new modesty

Allow me to paint you a picture with words...

I gave myself a haircut a couple weeks ago. Now my hair is longer than it's been for several years (except on the sides), and I'm thinking it's really come into it's own the last couple days. I knew when I gave myself the fro-hawk / pseudo-mulleted haircut last month that it would take a while for it to really develop, although at the time several people asked questions like, "why did you do that to your hair?" and "did you lose a bet?" Fuck that noise people: The Hair's time has come.

Today it means business (on the sides) and funemployment (on the top and back). For those of you that can't remember what it looks like, I have a mess of wavy unmanageable afro-ness that's a brownish, reddish color. It's a fucking disaster and so impossible to keep in order that I haven't owned a hairbrush for over a decade (actually true). I have two hairstyle options: crew cut, or whatever the hair wants to do. There is no intermediate stage. This most recent style is a combination of BOTH my two styling options: crew cut on the sides, whatever the hair wants in the middle. AMAZING.

I know I don't have a picture. I'll get one. I promise. Instead you get the lovebirds again. They came back yesterday so I thought I'd share. They were going to be in post about dating but I'll get something from the failblog instead. It's more appropriate.

Moar Fast

yessssssssssssss...

Nice effort

This from the 'hot clicks' section of SI.com. I can't be bothered to link there because it's just a link dump and not worth the effort. They do have the occasional good video, which is where I found this little gem. I like how the guy goes from obnoxiously celebrating his teams victory (dry humping himself) to dry humping the announcer. There's a lesson in there about sports as modern escapism, and how he associates himself with the team. Or something. Hey look, he's dry humping the announcer!

This is good, right up until the part where Reggie Miller starts talking

Chris Paul is super good at basketball. He's also got a mean streak, so don't cross him. I wish he would make time for a Julius Hodge-type effort on Reggie Miller. That guy sucks at life, and he's so bad at announcing I think they keep him around because they know he can't get another job. It's a tough market right now. Not a lot of demand for brain dead imbeciles in tv announcing. Wait, what?

It's a three-fer!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Tried to embed the video, but it might not work. You can go here if it lets me down.

Nice reporting. Kudos to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show. And Matt (yeah we're on a first name basis) at his tv blog.

In unrelated news, I traveled this week. While at the airport waiting for my (delayed) flight, I decided that the following is the full list of occasions when it is appropriate to wear sweats on an airplane:
a. You are a stripper on your way to/from work in Las Vegas.
2. You are eleventeen, and are also carrying your pillow and teddy bear.
d. Never.

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In response to some questions about my post on getting my ass kicked in public on 28 March, my target weight class is "medio", or middleweight. 181 lbs, including the gi. The problem is that the gi is HEAVY, so much so that companies actually make 'light' versions that weigh about 4 lbs. Right now I'm about 4 lbs over the limit (gi included).

Also: the weigh-in takes place the day of the competition. You weigh in when you register, then proceed to the warm-up area and wait. You cannot cut a couple pounds of water weight for the weigh-in.

Pay $80 to get my ass kicked? YES!

The fat kid is on the program. I have to make the weight limit for the novice level Pan American Jiu Jitsu competition. I don't really have to cut much weight, as I'm already right on the edge. All I have to do is make sure I've got some cushion so that when it comes time to weigh in on 28 March I don't have to worry about it. Also, this is the first time in my life I've ever paid any attention to how much I weigh. Yay for measuring yourself against numbers on a scale. And getting your ass kicked in a organized, public event. My goal for the competition: make the other guy work hard before he taps me out. Super!

I heart the airport

I sent a friend a txt msg yesterday that I'd like to reproduce for you here in its entirety:
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the airport is rad. so so so so so so so rad. so. rad.
so.



rad.









i mean it.