dating red flags - updated

since dick vitale is too inane for ridicule, i thought I'd share more dating insight.

what does Pete Schweaty and his holiday treats have to do with any of this? nothing. i saw it a couple of years ago and it's still the funniest thing I've seen on television since Kramer hit a golf ball into a whale's blowhole.

re: Dating Red Flags - I share these so that you can have the same sterling success that I've had over the years. so take it for what it's worth.

• Girl is on more than two types of medication - that includes self-medication, like booze, caffeine, and nicotine. For example, if a girl drinks and takes paxil, that's okay. If a girl drinks, takes paxil, and also smokes, that's a red flag.
  
• an inability to compromise - there's a joke here about dating miss right vs. dating miss always right, but its been done.
  
• spending too much time on your myspace page - this might be very similar to "spending too much time on a blog", but I don't think so. if your myspace page has a sweet custom layout and lots of scrolling pictures and you update it every other day and post bulletins for all your friends to read then you should get out more. You're probably a really cool person (look how cool your myspace page is!).
  

this, combined with the earlier list, should be enough to get you whatever you're looking for in a prospective partner. or not.
not's good.

and now for something completely different...

yeah. pop music. not just any pop music. gooooooood pop music. I suggest to you The Format. If you don't like it your girl might. or maybe you both will. or not.

it's got a nice beat and it's easy to dance to.
plus I needed to say something positive after my last post.

image copyright the format, etc, etc. please don't sue me. I mean it.

bad weather and bad news

i don't know how much money the feds have spent in Iraq. i did see that Rumsfeld gave a speech about how some people lack the courage for the war on terror. i am not so sure about that. I think it's got more to do with fighting a war that has achievable objectives. it's tough to go to war on an idea. the best part about Rummy's complaints is that he is asserting that the war in Iraq is the same as the war on terror. in point of fact, there is no credible evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with terrorists. (this reminds me of the "debate" over intelligent design - as in, there is no debate; pretty sure i've talked about this already) that's a clever piece of unsubstantiated correlative reasoning, Mr. Rumsfeld. and by "clever" I mean "bullsh*t".

not sure it is fair to compare the war effort in Iraq to the effort to clean up New Orleans, but i'm going to do it anyway. we've spent an average of a billion dollars a week in Iraq (I made up that number, but you can make up your own if you want to. half a billion? fine.) the war is 5 years old this month, so that makes, umm, carry the one, divide by suicide bombers, add broken levees, subtract no-bid contracts... ahhh, $200 billion we've spent so far? whatever. this is just a theoretical exercise.

so how much safer would we be if we spent some of that money on rebuilding new orleans? even at a high level, if we just rebuilt infrastructure, provided security to run down neighborhoods, and helped people get their lives put back together. the sort of thing we are doing so ineffectively in Iraq. we'll never know. i do know that the most beat down neighborhoods are predominantly black. and, more importantly, oil-free.

let me ask the question this way: if the citizens of new orleans had started blowing shit up when the hurricane hit, would we send in the army? the answer: yes, but much too late. i think it's weird that the US of A will invade a sovereign nation to remove a dictator that has no known terrorism link, but we can't invade a city overrun by disaster that is inside our own borders.
maybe weird isn't the right word. maybe the right word is "asinine".

didn't mean to get all political on you. it's just that the war is a joke and NO is a mess and the federal government is still doing its fear-mongering best to hide their inadequacy, from the top on down. it is depressing.

tried to post, but blogger sucks on monday. come back tomorrow.

best show (not) on television

Deadwood was consigned to history last night. no longer the best show on tv, it's now just a contender for one of the best shows of all time. it has the advantage of not overstaying its welcome, which can be a big help because it prevents your show from running out of steam.

deadwood was gritty, violent, complex television. it wasn't for everyone, but I loved it. They canceled it because it was too expensive, and HBO didn't want to fund an entire season. they offered the creator (David Milch) a half season, and he said no. and that was that.

they are filming a new surf show tentatively titled "johnny from chicago" w/ the money they're saving. (the creator of that show? David Milch.)

a show about a transplant from chicago that takes up surfing? that sounds sweet, bro. if tv show is anything like my roommate that moved out here from St. Louis, johnny f. chicago will want to stay in shape, so he will buy all the stuff to surf (wetsuit, board, etc), and then he'll get fat. coincidentally, that's the same thing all my surfer roommates did. I guess you actually have to get in the water more than once a week for it to be effective exercise.
who knew?

i'm selling my turntables (for real this time)

the time has come.
it is hard to let go, but i don't mix records any more, I don't buy records any more, and I don't make time to mix records any more. they should belong to someone that will actually use them.

it's been so long I had to fire up the decks last night to make sure everything still worked (it does). in the process I got all emotional and and melancholy. it was weird. i'm not really into stuff if I don't use it; I tend to give it away, or throw it away. but selling the tables is really hard. music is like that. and buying vinyl is an addiction. it is very hard to let go.

if I didn't have another musical outlet, I don't think I could do it. but i'd rather have an electric guitar, because I know i'll play it. and I know I'll never sell it, because I don't want to do this again.

if you're interested, the deal is 2 technics SL-1200 M3D tables in like-new condition (includes original slipmats, dust covers, headshells, and counterweights), plus 2 Concorde DJ headshells w/ 2 extra stylii per headshell. a lot of people sell their tables, but a lot of people don't keep their gear as nice as I do. i'm talking spotless.
all that for $850.

poll results are in: polls are bullsh*t

can you feel the synergy? the kind that happens when you make up a news article and then act like it's revelatory? [had a picture of a famous terrorist but the sight of him disgusts me, so I deleted it]

i'm all for reporting on important issues and etc, but on a slow news day, is it okay to make up your own news?

the headline news on cnn.com was about a poll they gave 1100 or so people. what the hell is that? since when is the man on the street a reliable source for anything? you can't get directions to the grocery from somebody, but now they're a terrorism expert?

you could have taken a poll in the south 40 years ago about giving black people the right to vote and the results would have been simultaneously disgusting and disenfranchising. let's not get carried away with this polling nonsense.

but wait there's more! not only is this not-news breathlessly reported in the headlines, but they included an advert for tonight's program. to wit...

best part about the article on cnn is this paragraph here. (third paragraph in a 20+ paragraph article):

CNN will broadcast the documentary "In the Footsteps of bin Laden" at 9 p.m. ET tonight.

what a funny coincidence that is. pretty sure it's not news, though. any more than what's on National Geographic or TLC. or discovery. or the History Channel.

this is how a real man decorates

if I didn't just spend $1300 getting my car fixed, I know what I would have done with the money. well, probably I would have spent a lot of it on stuff for my trip, but I also would have picked up one of these. for sure.

the large sized longhorn skull ("b" quality) is a steal at $225. the biggest bummer about it is that I don't have one already. I have a fireplace to put it over and everything.

as any of my ex-gf's will surely tell you, i'm not much for decorating. if it's not a book or an expensive audio/video component, i don't really know where it should go. but this thing really speaks to me. mostly because it's effing awesome.

also awesome is the saltwater crocodile skull and related reptilia. not in my px range, though. the skull is a replica, which is nice.

in other news, kevin federline is a poseur douchebag. you heard it here first. he wouldn't be so reviled if he weren't such a cheesedick. does he have any street cred? does he think he's a hard case? i'll never know, but he might have more success if he lightens up a little bit. he's so earnest and serious. his wife made a fortune selling pop cheese (and herself). he could try and do the same. I recommend a duet w/ Nick Lachey. hotness!

dispatch from the north: get an intern to read that, pronto

the following is a copy of the front page of cnn.com. from the top story. just underneath that creepy picture of the pencil-necked child molester (about which more in a moment):

It's worse than a "he-said-she-said," because only one party is talking. John Karr, the man held in connection with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has been saying quiet a lot. But while his words are heavy on the drama, they're slight on the specifics. And the people in the know about DNA and his holiday whereabouts are keeping quiet.

did you notice anything odd about that first "quiet"?  oops. it's stuff like that makes me feel better about the work I do. at least, not so bad if I make a mistake. I don't mean a mistake in this caca. I mean a typo in something I publish at work. that's why they pay me the big bucks, after all.

re: creepy perv child molesters, this Karr guy is straight from central casting. he looks like he could star in his own TV movie. and the whole sordid Ramsey case is just sad. at least, it starts out sad, then it gets disturbing, esp. when you see the beauty pageant videos and the little girl is all tarted up. what was mom thinking? how can this be anyone's idea of a healthy good time? it just gets worse from there.

I think this Karr guy and the president of Iran should have a no-holds-barred battle-royale fight to the death. they're both minute. and incalculably disturbed. the winner can be proud of the fact that he rid the world of a despicable creature. in celebration, he gets to eat a hand grenade.

not much in the way of links again today. i got sh*t to do.
love you. I mean it.

curtailing those "Adult Desires": dispatch from the North

i'm out of town this week, so no fun(ny) picture.
i checked into my hotel as per usual after an uneventful flight. i like to maybe get a movie as a reward for making the trip. if they have anything even remotely worth watching. so after I checked in and got settled, I flipped on the TV and browsed some titles. there wasn't anything worthy of $12, but I did notice that the adult titles had been removed. not blocked, which would display the titles ("Buxom Babes!"), but removed entirely. what the heck?

full disclosure: i wasn't even remotely interested in watching some porn. in point of fact, i've never ordered a porno in a hotel room. but the porn was conspicuous in its absence.
where did it go? did they know from my prev. visits that I had no interest in it? what does that say about me? did they look at me and just *know* i wanted no part of it? what to do? do I call the front desk and ask where the porn went? umm, that's a little more awkward than the regular notice that MOVIE TITLES WILL NOT APPEAR ON HOTEL BILL.

I ignored it.

last night after dinner I flipped on the TV again, just to check if they maybe added a watchable movie. no chance of that, but Adult Desires had been re-added to my library. niiiiiiice. i felt better.

ps. I was going to put in links to some of this stuff, like Adult Desires and the titles and even actresses, but in order to do that I'd have to search the web for adult content at work. that's a red flag to the IT dept, so you'll have to do it on your own. if you're into that.

i don't feel like writing, read this instead.

whatever. it happens to people. so instead I give you this:
a man custom built for writing the essay and/or short novel has published another book. well, HE didn't publish it, per se, but you get the idea. i encourage you to check it out. it is erudite, funny, and occasionally pretentious. good reading.

also, if you're into traveling, there's a sense of the world. it's good, too.

the photo at left is from 2004, when D. F. Wallace appeared at UCLA, at an event hosted by Jonathan Safran Foer, and attended by Michael Chabon, Suzan-Lori Parks, Anne Lamott, Alice Sebold and Dave Eggers.

J.S. Foer is an acquired taste, but I enjoy his books. Chabon is one of the great living american writers (believe it), and Eggers is famous for writing about himself and making a shitload of money. with which he started a publishing house and charity. I can't really handle Eggers first book because the voice of the novel reminds me too much of me. Ye Shall Know Our Velocity is good, though, and it's a travel book, too.

19 years on, still awesome ("unemployed, in GREENLAND!?!?")

(photo copyright twentieth century fox - I hope they don't get me in trouble with the law)
there is a movie theater that shows old movies around the way from my house. every wednesday night at 9, you can see pulp fiction, top gun karate kid, goonies, or some other modern classic (office space) on the big screen. this past wednesday was The Princess Bride, which came out in 1987 and which I have seen several times, but never in theaters. Until now. it was effing great.

first off, a guy comes down to warm up the crowd and give away some free stuff by asking trivia questions about the movie. wait, that's not the first thing. the first thing is that the theater is packed. literally. it nearly sold out. at $6 it was a hot ticket. so as people are getting seated, a guy comes down and does the quick trivia. the crowd is, umm, eclectic (definitely could have played some Magic, the Gathering if knew how), but they know their prin. bride trivia. good times.

after that's done, the movie starts and even though everyone knows what's coming, it's still hilarious. you just can't help it. people were cheering, people were booing the bad guy (do you know the first name of count Rugan?), and hissing at the prince. best movie experience i've had in a while, esp after some heartless duds (superman, miami vice, i'm talking to you).
review this list of quotes for some classics.

next week? Shaun of the Dead. it's nearly as funny as Princess Bride, and also a love story, in its own way. and you can't beat it for only $6.

comment is free

you can make up your own mind about the war in Lebanon and Syria's involvement and Hizbollah and their patterns, but this is true: the off the Hizzeee for shizzee kidnapped Israeli soldiers (in Israel, mind you), to free this man. that was their primary aim / objective / goal.

the larger issues of the state in palestine, Lebanon's inability to govern the southern half of the country, and the influence of Syria and Iran in the vacuum of Lebanese gov't. is beyond the purview of this (or any) post.
love you.

consider the monkey

i have to go to sexual harassment training later today. i'm constantly in danger of stepping over that delicate line at the office. like when I crop dusted marketing repeatedly and with prejudice. or the time I spilled water all over my pants so I took them off and let them dry on the back of my computer monitor. (it's hot back there!) granted I was in an office by myself, but do you think people on the phone knew that I conferenced into meetings in my boxer shorts?

i'm phoning in for today's special event, and I would live blog the training but i have to get my real work done.

a co-worker suggested that since I work remotely I should ask the following question:

"is it harassment if I fart on my chair? it's just me in here, so i'm not offended, but I feel bad for the chair. kind of.

further, is it harassment if you bomb out your own cube and then someone comes in unexpectedly?"

as my boss pointed out several years ago, the only people that pay attention to harassment training are the people that don't need it. the lecherous creeps, they're still going to do what they do, baby.

consider the monkey.
now consider two monkeys.
now consider two monkeys fucking a football. that's harassment training.

Mr. Travers, did we watch the same movie?

[an open letter to Peter Travers, movie critic for Rolling Stone]
Mr. Travers,
You gave the Miami Vice movie 3.5 stars (out of four). that's nearly "instant classic."
Not to put too fine a point on it, Mr. Travers, but really, what the fuck were you watching?
I made the mistake of using up 150 minutes of life on Miami Vice and the only thing that kept me awake was wondering if it could get any worse. Except for a 90 second, brilliant action sequence in the trailer park (nice of you to mention that in the review, btw), the entire film was boring and charmless. It starts out lame and just gets... more lame.

I didn't think it possible to spend so much time on screen w/o smiling, but Colin Farrell managed it. is he an actor, or a mannequin? (did I spell that right? no one cares.)  So did Gong Li, who gets a major acting credit for the most wooden performance since the advent of the dime store indian. the two of them onscreen together was unintentionally laughable. Jamie Foxx brought what life he could to a crummy role, but nothing could save this movie.It was formulaic, without drama, and ridiculous.

special memo to Gong Li: if you're going to fumble your way through dialog, you must be a superlative actor and also a badass (see: Chow Yun Fat). you are neither. thanks.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: scary story about the unsmiling international banker / drug lord, the tough boss cop, the two rogue undercover cops, the bumbling federal agent, and the elusive leak on the inside. we even had the scary aryan guys (the modern nazi). sound predictable? it is, but that's fine, because it's summer and it can still be entertaining. or not.
in this case, most assuredly not.
thanks for reading. if you want to see a good movie, rent Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
love you.