Mr. Travers, did we watch the same movie?

[an open letter to Peter Travers, movie critic for Rolling Stone]
Mr. Travers,
You gave the Miami Vice movie 3.5 stars (out of four). that's nearly "instant classic."
Not to put too fine a point on it, Mr. Travers, but really, what the fuck were you watching?
I made the mistake of using up 150 minutes of life on Miami Vice and the only thing that kept me awake was wondering if it could get any worse. Except for a 90 second, brilliant action sequence in the trailer park (nice of you to mention that in the review, btw), the entire film was boring and charmless. It starts out lame and just gets... more lame.

I didn't think it possible to spend so much time on screen w/o smiling, but Colin Farrell managed it. is he an actor, or a mannequin? (did I spell that right? no one cares.)  So did Gong Li, who gets a major acting credit for the most wooden performance since the advent of the dime store indian. the two of them onscreen together was unintentionally laughable. Jamie Foxx brought what life he could to a crummy role, but nothing could save this movie.It was formulaic, without drama, and ridiculous.

special memo to Gong Li: if you're going to fumble your way through dialog, you must be a superlative actor and also a badass (see: Chow Yun Fat). you are neither. thanks.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: scary story about the unsmiling international banker / drug lord, the tough boss cop, the two rogue undercover cops, the bumbling federal agent, and the elusive leak on the inside. we even had the scary aryan guys (the modern nazi). sound predictable? it is, but that's fine, because it's summer and it can still be entertaining. or not.
in this case, most assuredly not.
thanks for reading. if you want to see a good movie, rent Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
love you.