29 May 2008

free edits for ultralife battery website

Not much to report lately. Mr. Special Order has a girlfriend now so he's cut back on the antics. Here's a few here, just for poops and chuckles.
The blind date king has resorted to going on blind dates without telling me. I get calls after the fact so he can describe their failure. Which is what happened last night. Ata kid!

In other news, I know someone that knows someone that was talking about going to work for ULTRALIFE BATTERIES. I thought I'd see what they did. Aside from work on various government boondoggle projects (e.g. Land Warrior-Stryker, which in addition to being crazy expensive and impractical sounds super gay) they have some superbly poor web copy. Here's one representative paragraph from one page:

Ultralife has been powering pipeline inspection gauges for many years now.

Not too bad. Not great, but not terrible.

The gauges, called PIGS, are sent thru pipelines carrying anything from water to petroleum to chemicals – and are used for preventative maintenance, such as detecting leakage.

Thru? Seriously? And: pigs is not an acronym, so all caps is wrong. And: detecting leakage? What? And: sweet use of the em-dash in your run-on sentence. u r dum. Epic FAIL.

Depending on the size of the pipeline, the gauges can be very small or rather huge.

Depending on how bad your web page is, you deliver large quantities of FAIL. You are delivering rather huge quantities of FAIL.

With sophisticated test equipment and long duty cycles, they need very specialized batteries to keep them running.

Less obvious, but still FAIL. Consider how much better this is: Pigs need specialized batteries to keep their sophisticated test equipment running during long duty cycles.

Note that this is one paragraph on one huge website. If I had more time I'd pummel their web design, too. But I'm busy.

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