big dj, small venue; plus, more case-onomics!

went to see/hear carl cox mix records last night. they booked him at a ridiculously small venue here in the OC. place sold out, but there had to be only 600 or so people there. it was superb. the guy is still killing it, although his set was a bit too trance-y for my current musical taste. it had a lot of good hard techno elements, but too many breakdowns. maybe he was playing cheese for the OC crowd, and LA will get the harder-edged show. maybe.

supposedly Carl Cox is the sixth best DJ in the world, but that (arbitrary and bullshit) list is suspect because although dj's 1-5 are great, they've got ATB coming in at number 8, and Oakenfold at #9. both of those guys are shite, and neither is anything like the draw that the rest of the top 10 are. so there. and Mike Relm, the guy I told you about a couple weeks ago, doesn't even make the top 100. you can search the blog for RELM and find him. i'm too busy to link to my own posts. or lazy. mostly lazy.

-----------------------------
and finally, here's some more case-onomics from my friend Sam.

1. Sell your nice car and buy a cheap, but dependable ride. You'll
have enough cash left over to get out of debt and SAVE!!!! Also, your
new cheap car will get in a wreck after a week of use, costing you
thousands of dollars in repairs, and then just generally suck
compared to your bygone luxury sports sedan. You will have no money
left over and soon be back in debt.

2. Take a trip to Africa to help children in need. It doesn't cost
that much to live there, PLUS, you have all that money left over from
when you sold your nice car. Riiiiiiiight.

3. Work in the music industry straight out of college. You're sure to
make good money. Seriously. Just do it.
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thanks for reading.

the economics of stupidity

yeah you probably thought this post had something to do with politics, but it does not. instead, I'm offering you some insight into my own special brand of economics, which I've decided to call "case-onomics", or maybe "e-case-onomics". (i'm on the fence.) these tested techinques are guaranteed to waste your disposable income. trust me.

[unrelated aside: google searches for "money photo" and "money pic" should not, under any cirsumcstances, be confused w/ searches for "money shot". i mean it.]

in the last 18 months i've managed to throw away more money than I'd like to admit. It would have been more fun to blow it in vegas, but instead I've lost it in investments and good decisions. Not one to keep these superb maneuvers to myself, i'm here to share them with you.

Note that I'm leaving out any of the obvious stuff: no tips on running up CC debt and then paying the mininum every month. It's possible to kick your own financial ass without ever having to resort to such obviously bad choices. Here's some of my latest hot tips on wasting disposable income:

1. buy a condo on leased land. at the height of the market boom. make sure you get "creative" financing so that you can "get in the game". Be absolutely certain to get a douchebag of a realtor. - Nothing will nuke your little savings account faster than this combo. i could give you examples of my own losses but let's just say it's in the multiple tens of thousands of dollars. added bonus: you're upside down on your house, but also broke, because the payments are so high! it's a great way to both sabotage your savings and also keep you scouring the couch for loose change.
   
2. get a new cellphone plan, regardless of whether or not you like your old one. also, buy a new cellphone. nothing wrong with your old one? who cares! it's soooo last year. - be on the same network as your friends, just because.
   
3. cancel all magazine subscriptions and buy them at the newsstand - 60% off the cover price? that's for suckers! you can burn a fortune doing this stuff. and it adds up after a while.
   
4. cancel your cheap long-term gym membership and sign up again, but pay a high monthly fee. anything to keep fixed costs as high as possible - that's the secret to case-onomics.
   
5. Cancel your cheap, issue-free car insurance and sign up w/ Mercury insurance because they can "get you a better deal". best to read the fine print, because it's not true. they will f you, bu that's a fundamental of case-onomics: trusting someone else not to f you. (See item 1 re: realtors.) If you're lucky, you can spend an extra $80-100 month on car insurance. Think of it as your idiot tax. You're an idiot, so you pay extra. I know I do!
   

if you can come up with any sweet strategies of your own, please let me know. I think i'm just scratching the surface here. i've only implemented strategies 1 and 5, but I'm working on the rest. I promise. it's only a matter of time.

dirty birds

i know I promised some other funny stuff but when I typed it out it wasn't funny any more. humor is so much about timing and context. tough to find either in a blog. anyway.... this happened.

it's adult (sexual) in nature, but it's all the way from the other side of the world. don't read it if you're offended by strange-but-true stories from Australia. or if you're a girl. you probably won't think it is very funny.
it was sent to me from a friend in Oz.
hence the slang "birds". anyway, here you go.

-------------------------------------
check this out man. classic.

its sunday night. i go for a run. come home. get horny. text my friend helen

hey helen. can I have anabel's number. do you think she would be down for a one night stand

helen: her number is (whatever her number is), she thinks you are hot and she is a fiend.

helens response didnt get to me till the next morning, after I had
sent an 'ignore me I was drunk' disclaimer/emergency escape. so i was
all like, sweet, maybee I can towel this bird up at lunch time.

text to anabel: hey, are there broom closets at your work.

anabel: yeah, why

me: no reason. is there room to stand in them

at this point my battery is running low, and I have a 2 hour break from lectures so I cut to the chase

me: look, my battery is running low, I was thinking I could come around and we could have a quick lunchtime shag.

anabel: would love to, but I have to go to work

me: okay, what are you doing tonight

anabel: I finnish work late, start early

me: okay, heres the deal. we meet in kings park at 10.30pm. no one
says a word. sex. home. what do you think?

anabel: absolute silence

me: absolute

anabel: I feel so naughty

me; wear your uniform (she is a nurse)

anabel: okay

so that was arranged. she is a scrubber man, totally. not a very smart
or hot bird, but it was monday afternoon, soon to be monday eveneing.
thing is, evening hits and I dont want to shag her. thought about it
too much. but cant leave a girl all horny and shit at night in a park.
anything could happen.

so I go to the park.

oh, nearly forgot. I didnt have any cash or rubbers, so I asked her to
go past a chemist and pick up some condoms. she did. what a trooper

I see her in the park, she comes up to me and drops to her knees,
starts going for gold on the uneven bar. really energetic, me
standing, her on knees, public place at night. sweet. and sour.

was really getting into the headjob, more or less fucking her mouth.
then she put the jimmy on me and bent over. I have never gone so soft
so fast. that was the grossest thing ever. poor girl. nothing you can
do when you go soft, she was sort of desperate looking, having spent
the last 10 minutes very enthusiastically entertaining me.

so, sticking with the no words rule, I shrugged and gave her a "what
can you do" kind of look, and we both went home. totally weird.totally
gross. totally piss funny.

she sent me a pretty bad text afterward, implying that there will be a
next time.

so there you go. read that and either rejoice in the fine booty you
reeled in last night, or rejoice that you didnt end up with anabel, in
a park, at night.
---------------------
i can't make this stuff up.

pop quiz

[no photo - i'm posting remotely; imagine a picture of a seedy-looking hotel]
out of town this week, staying at the silicon valley Ramada Inn. Or, as I've taken to calling it, the Ramad-awful, or the Ramiserable. it offers a free breakfast buffet, which is nice. there isn't much else in the way of amenities. if you don't mind holes in the sheets, cigarette burns in the carpet, and a heater that smells like a toaster on fire, then book a room next time you're in the area.

it's a franchise of the Ramada chain, independently owned and operated. that means you can find at least one of the following in the lobby on any given night:

a) a guy taking piano lessons

b) a very fat cat sleeping on a chair

c) a guy w/ no teef and long, greasy hair "working" at the front desk, and by "working" i mean "sleeping"

any guesses?
take your time.
i'll shrink it down to prevent cheating.

trick question! the answer is all of the above! there are no wrong answers! everybody wins!
i hit the trifecta when I checked in on tuesday. super!

thanks for reading.
stay tuned to the blog because I've got some good ideas for entries later this week. one about funny things my friends have said to me in the past couple weeks (e.g. when a girl asked my buddy when she could make him dinner he said, "never") and another entry about that other thing. good times!

to fully convey its majesty

we tried to get bigger hats, but we already looked like weeble-wobbles

what is the deal w/ the People's Democratic Republic of Korea? (or is it "democratic people's republic of korea"? I can never remember. maybe it's "heavily armed but starving dictatorship of korea".) anyway, every day is a special treat because instead of being concerned about invading (do they have oil fields there?) i get to laugh at their sweet-guy hats and sweet-guy jackets. apparently there are no tailors in the people's dictatorship of ill-fitting suits. they look like weeble-wobbles. the fearless leader (not pictured) looks like a bobblehead doll come to life.

in this photo, that guy in the front is a south korean soldier. He's got an earpiece, a helmet (w/ stickers, showing some individuality), sunglasses, and a wicked look. the only reason those clowns in the background are still weebling at attention is because he approves. that's the guy you send to the hostile border.
okay then.

why not use an alias? chest rockwell?

i have only one story but it's short. and it happened.
my friend got a call the other night from her cousin. cousin says, I googled my dad (the uncle) and all I got was some weird legal jargon. what does it mean? (friend is a lawyer.) friend says, I don't know. it looks like a copyright agreement. Did you check the other links?

cousin: yes, but they all went to a porn site.

together, they investigate further. they find video of the uncle and stepmom selling graphic, homemade porn videos on the internet. in the sample footage, it shows uncle & stepmom having sexual intercourse in their living room, on a beach towel.

the daughter's only comment, "that's my towel."

I found the cure for the plauge of the twentieth century but now I've losht it!; and, have nuke, but short and funny-looking

did you find the cure for the plague of the twentieth century and then realize it was "losht"? if not, put Medicine Man on your list of netflix movies, because you're missing out.

none of this has anything to do with anything except I was reading about the rain forest in Brazil yesterday and it was depressing.

is it just me or does the newest member of Team Atomic Bomb not cut a very imposing figure? I'm not saying you have to look scary to be scary, but it helps. at least it doesn't hurt. instead I get a short, pinheaded fat guy with sansabelt pants and sunglasses he stole from the props closet when he was doing standin work on Boogie Nights.

WTF? Who put this guy in charge? Couldn't one of the goofballs behind him have usurped the throne? just asking.

love you.

writing about music is like dancing about architecture - iggy pop [i think]

not a big iggy pop fan. but I am a fan of Mike Relm. hmm, maybe he kicks puppies in his spare time, and I've never met the guy, so more accurate to say that I'm a fan of his music. he's a dj, and he's got some skillz. he's also got an excellent musical sensibility, so his quick-cut mixes take you all over the place, but you never lose the vibe. you can go to his website to hear what i'm talking about.

he's part of a growing movement of "dj eclectica", which is really just the old becoming new again. the 'eclectic' style is a fancy way of saying "play whatever rocks the party, and don't punk yourself on the mix". it's hard to do, mixing all kinds of records, but this guy has the chops. it's old-becoming-new because this is how original dj's would sample records: they would cut and play the hooks (aka "breaks") from the record. Mike Relm expands on the style.

i was introduced by a friend, who heard about it from a friend who saw him at a show. i searched for the guy on amazon, and you can't buy his cd there. which is a shame, because it's very good.

quit reading about music and go listen. and get dancing.
love you.

call your minions, i'm fixin' to fix some shit

maybe you had some important thing to do today. maybe you don't know what it's like to have to solve hard problems at the office. the kind that make you want to hit your computer with a hammer. (note esp. that as a computer geek i mean the actual computer, not the monitor; when you have a tech issue make sure you take out your aggression on the source of the problem).
I don't know. all I know is that the feeding frenzy currently surrounding that dbag Foley just keeps getting more and more weird. i hate to get all political, but this guy was definitely hitting on teenage boys at work. I'm pretty sure that's not okay. Pretty sure.

i know if there were a 21 year old receptionist and I was a geezer perv it would be weird if I offered her a shot of tequila at work. every day. who would do that? never mind sending her suggestive emails. this is the same sort of thing, only worse. gay, straight, or otherwise. it's not okay.

so what i would definitely do, if I were caught doing such a thing, is get my lawyer minion out there to talk to the press for me. because I'd be in rehab for my addiction. or taking naps. either way, really.

----------------------------------
and finally, i heart home improvement. got a lot done this past weekend, plan to have the house on the market at the end of the month. good times.
we'll be back to our regularly scheduled entries about my drunken escapades in a day or two.
short version: don't drink 8 double vodka-sodas and expect to be 100% the next day. or even the day after that. okay then.