dirty birds

i know I promised some other funny stuff but when I typed it out it wasn't funny any more. humor is so much about timing and context. tough to find either in a blog. anyway.... this happened.

it's adult (sexual) in nature, but it's all the way from the other side of the world. don't read it if you're offended by strange-but-true stories from Australia. or if you're a girl. you probably won't think it is very funny.
it was sent to me from a friend in Oz.
hence the slang "birds". anyway, here you go.

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check this out man. classic.

its sunday night. i go for a run. come home. get horny. text my friend helen

hey helen. can I have anabel's number. do you think she would be down for a one night stand

helen: her number is (whatever her number is), she thinks you are hot and she is a fiend.

helens response didnt get to me till the next morning, after I had
sent an 'ignore me I was drunk' disclaimer/emergency escape. so i was
all like, sweet, maybee I can towel this bird up at lunch time.

text to anabel: hey, are there broom closets at your work.

anabel: yeah, why

me: no reason. is there room to stand in them

at this point my battery is running low, and I have a 2 hour break from lectures so I cut to the chase

me: look, my battery is running low, I was thinking I could come around and we could have a quick lunchtime shag.

anabel: would love to, but I have to go to work

me: okay, what are you doing tonight

anabel: I finnish work late, start early

me: okay, heres the deal. we meet in kings park at 10.30pm. no one
says a word. sex. home. what do you think?

anabel: absolute silence

me: absolute

anabel: I feel so naughty

me; wear your uniform (she is a nurse)

anabel: okay

so that was arranged. she is a scrubber man, totally. not a very smart
or hot bird, but it was monday afternoon, soon to be monday eveneing.
thing is, evening hits and I dont want to shag her. thought about it
too much. but cant leave a girl all horny and shit at night in a park.
anything could happen.

so I go to the park.

oh, nearly forgot. I didnt have any cash or rubbers, so I asked her to
go past a chemist and pick up some condoms. she did. what a trooper

I see her in the park, she comes up to me and drops to her knees,
starts going for gold on the uneven bar. really energetic, me
standing, her on knees, public place at night. sweet. and sour.

was really getting into the headjob, more or less fucking her mouth.
then she put the jimmy on me and bent over. I have never gone so soft
so fast. that was the grossest thing ever. poor girl. nothing you can
do when you go soft, she was sort of desperate looking, having spent
the last 10 minutes very enthusiastically entertaining me.

so, sticking with the no words rule, I shrugged and gave her a "what
can you do" kind of look, and we both went home. totally weird.totally
gross. totally piss funny.

she sent me a pretty bad text afterward, implying that there will be a
next time.

so there you go. read that and either rejoice in the fine booty you
reeled in last night, or rejoice that you didnt end up with anabel, in
a park, at night.
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i can't make this stuff up.