18 April 2008

douchebaggery on parade

I'm late to this. It comes courtesy Gawker.com. I don't read gawker, mostly because I don't live in Manhattan, and also I'm straight.

Some people think they are awesome. I don't mean in an funny, self-deprecating way. They think they are totally bitchin.

This guy is one of those people. Here's an excerpt of his match.com form letter:

What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...

Shallow but not terrible. He hides his conceit well. At first.

I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?

What? Enjoy our stores/divisions? What the f*ck does that even mean? That's like if I worked at the Taco Bell corporate office and asked people if they liked the food. It's retarded.

So the girl said thanks but no thanks. And then Mr. Super emailed her back:

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

Actually, there's at least one, and he suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I was going to break it down line by line, but it's been done. Plus it's so good when you read it all in a row, out loud, in one angry, bitter, rejected breath.

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