06 February 2009

Dear USA Swimming: Shut Up

The kerfluffle surrounding Michael "100% More Epic Bong Rips" Phelps continues, this time with the announcement that Kelloggs is letting him go and USA swimming is suspending him for 3 months. 3... 2... 1... Cue the bullshit:

"This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero," the Colorado Springs-based federation said in a statement.

Thanks, USA Swimming. Allow me to retort:

1. Three months is not a strong message. 3 months is a hiccup, a slap on the wrist, a gesture, and it's still too much. 2 years is a strong message. That's what you get when you actually break the rules in competitive swimming (which he did not - he allegedly smoked weed).

2. Please let's not bullshit around with this "we're doing it for the children" nonsense. Did you check with the "hundreds of thousands" of disappointed kids before you decided how to punish Phelps? Did they recommend grounding him, taking away his cellphone, or confiscating his xbox? You are doing this for the parents of those kids. Because you are pussies without the courage to shrug your shoulders and say, meh, he made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Let's move on.

3. Phelps is still a role model you idiotic shitbricks. If you can find someone else that can punish himself for years (literally: years) on end in a swimming pool and then respond to soul-crushingly miserable pressure and scrutiny by dominating the world to the point where he wins more gold medals than MOST COUNTRIES and then follows it up by doing some bong hits then please do so. We need more people like that in the world. What we don't need: sanctimonious, self-righteous twats that judge those people for how they spend their leisure time. You are assclowns. Get over yourselves.

PS. I'm boycotting Kelloggs until they sign Phelps again. You think weed-smoking college kids don't live on cereal? You're idiots.


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