04 June 2008

If the Red Sox sign Barry Bonds I will buy a Giants hat, get boner

My feelings about Barry Bonds are well documented. Search the blog for Barry Bonds if you need a review. Go ahead, I'll wait.

There are rumors swirling that the Red Sox might sign Bonds because their DH-extraordinaire is on the DL. Bonds is out there, doing nothing much, and he's still really good at hitting a baseball. Not as good as last year, and not as good as Ortiz, but much better than anyone else that's out there waiting for the phone to ring. Like, a lot better. In fact, he's better than a lot of players that are currently on rosters. The guy hit 28 home runs last year in 340 at bats (that = good).

Anyway, he would be a great DH for a team in need, even though he's lost a step and has trouble getting around on an inside fastball (who doesn't?). There is some downside. Bonds comes with, umm, baggage. To which I say: Fuck. That. Shit. He's a dick but who cares? If he will help you win, you sign him to an incentive-laden deal. He only gets paid if he produces and you win. If not, you cut your losses. This is business.

dak over on FJM wrote a superb crush letter to Theo Epstein cleverly disguised as a pro-Bonds missive. I laughed. Here's an excerpt:
What are the other possible cons? The media circus? Even if you believe that the scrutiny of the media can actually affect the team, you'll remember that the Red Sox have performed for decades under what is generally considered the largest, most warped magnified [sic] glass in all of sports journalism. Hard to imagine Youkilis's OPS taking a nosedive if he has to answer questions about the size of Bonds's clubhouse recliner (which, by the way, should be five of the largest recliners available at Jordan's furniture fused together to form a Voltron-like megarecliner).

I bet our moms would like each other.
If the Sox sign Bonds I will be pumped but I won't buy a Red Sox cap because I'm not queer. I'll get a Giants hat instead. There's hardly any gay Giants fans.

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