21 December 2005

"Jesus" Damon, I heart the holidays, and this column has no jokes about king kong's you-know-what(s)

so I'm looking after mom's cat while she is getting settled into her new place up north. the cat is everything everything some people can't stand about cats: it sleeps all day, eats when it wakes up from one of its many naps, and pays me absolutely no mind. and then when i'm doing something it whines and cries like I should be doing something. exactly what is unspecified. so I'm not a huge fan of the cat. plus it could use a haircut. which is why it reminds me of Johnny "Jesus" Damon.

If you haven't turned on a TV or checked the interweb in the past 24 hours you might not have noticed that Johnny Damon has signed a 4 year deal with the Yankees. This pushes the Yankees payroll so high that it might need it's own congressional oversight committee. The best part about Damon leaving for his team's biggest rival is that it'll make the Red Sox fans finally get past the idea that the team that won the world series was some sort of magic. It was really a bunch of guys that played well and got a little bit lucky. Talent, like Liberace, will out itself eventually. As far as team loyalty goes, Damon told them to suck it. that stings if you're a BoSox fan, but you can't feel too smug if you're a yankees fan. Damon followed the money, as most people tend to do. There's always the Patriots, at least until they lose to Indy in January.

I heart the holidays because my brother is a superstar.
Most recently he worked some magic at the local disneyland. While waiting in line he felt some pressure in his lower bowel. On leaving the line to address the issue he decided to "air it out" over the rope. He didn't get enough lift and got both feet caught. Bro is not a small cat, and the smack that followed was so loud it attracted a lot of attention, but the fall was so bad no one laughed. ouch. he jogged it off, bleeding from the elbow and ego. on the way back he decided to go under the barrier, which necessitated the squat-shimmy-stand maneuver. (we've all done it at one point or another.) he approaches the rope, squats, and he's feeling good. during the shimmy he blows a 6 inch rip in the seat of his pants. this is a setback. he stands, acknowledges the appreciative crowd, and wraps his sweatshirt around his waist. he wore it like that the rest of the long, cold day and into the night. respect from FDV.

in football (aka soccer) news, Arsenal lost 0-2 to Chelsea. You probably don't care but we like a race in all our sports leagues. Fans of Lazio (in italy) showed the fascist salute (looks like a nazi salute to me) in support of Paolo di Canio, who was serving a 2 game ban for showing the salute while being subbed off last weekend. Classy. di Canio was also the guy that said that the racist monkey chants directed at an opposing player were a non-issue, and that that the fans should be left alone if they make that kind of contribution. I tend to disagree, but I'm not an italian fascist, so what do I know?

Can you imagine someone in the US ook-ing like a monkey at a player in an NFL game? are you kidding? and it's a regular thing at games in Italy and in Spain. It used to be a regular occurrence in the English Premier League but the FA took the enlightened step of ejecting and banning the fans that participated in that kind of behavior.

that's it for now. with any luck at all the niners will cement their "lead" in the reggie bush race this weekend. they did such a shite job with last year's draft that success is practically guaranteed. like those hair replacement options on the fox sports network. we couldn't say it if it weren't true: this player could make a huge difference to your team. or not.

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