setting the pimp cup of righteousness on the coaster of indifference; plus, fitness personality? what does that even mean?

fitness made simple is what it's all about.
so is daytime television. not sure what unemployed america is doing during the day, but judging by the commercials they are, in no particular order:
* fat. and susceptible to unbelievably cheesy ads about fitness products, fitness "personalities", and supplements. my favorite is John Basedow, who has parlayed his fitness obsession into a career as a guy selling fitness made simple. he comes on screen with a song about him. it sounds like the power-ballad backdrop music from those bud light ads ("joooohhhn base-dow. he can help you now" - I am not making this up), and John, though very fit, looks like he also splits time shilling the other daytime tv products. JB says: "Anything you dream, you can do." Sure. But if Brett Fav-ruh gets excited, does John Basedow come out hard and hot?

* bald. hair loss meds and transplant solutions every other minute. with lines like "I bet you can't tell I have thinning hair". yes i can, jackass. losing your hair is no big deal (even if advetrtisers would have you believe it's the end of the world). as my friend Brian pointed out, you get three strikes: getting old, going bald, and getting fat. The first two strikes you can do nothing about, but you can get exercise. and you can still hit a home run down 0-2.

* on their cellphones. ring tones and jokes? do people really buy this stuff? I bought galaga for my cellphone in a moment of weakness and I'm embarrassed by it (although it is the full arcade version, pretty sweet). do I need a ringtone that says "put your pimp cup down"? cellphone companies could build this stuff into the phones but they don't because they want you to buy it. suck.

* collecting settlements. never seen so many ads for lump-sum payouts.

* litigious. lots of personal injury and wrongful termination lawyer ads. nice.

what all this says about me I don't know. nothing good, that's for certain.

please, no Maas

Bill Maas is an idiot.
that's all.
I will provide examples another time. If you watched the packers/bears game then I don't have to tell you anything.

--------------------------------------------
who needs context?
unexpected genius from Maas, describing Brett Fav-ruh:
"When he gets excited, that thing comes out hard and hot." [bill's emphasis, not mine]

umm, yeah. going to have to take your word for it on that one, bill. thanks for that.

lakers are a one man show, and I'm sure that donald trump's girlfriend loves his looks

now we're coming to you as the lakers and heat start the fourth quarter.
the lakers look like crap, as per usual, but they're still in this game. they need a third offensive option. right now it's kobe, whoever decides to impersonate scottie pippen for one game (today it's Brian Cook), and nobody. Also unfortunately for the lakers today it looks like gary payton decided to play at his mid-to late 90's level, when he was actually good. Chris Mihm is still a better player than kwame brown, which is weird, because Kwame B. is bigger, stronger, quicker, faster, and he jumps better. The only thing missing is his game.

Wade just hit a 19 footer after getting fouled by Odom on a pump fake. You can see previous posts for my opinion of Wade and his game.

Lakers are still the kobe show. nobody else looks like doing anything. it's like they're afraid to contribute. these guys must have had some game before they got to the lakers. where the hell did it go? Dear Mihm/Vujacic/Parker/Odom, et. al.: please hit a jumper. I know Kobe takes more shots than anybody, but that makes the shots you do take more valuable. If the lakers had a guy that they could count on to take the pressure off of Kobe and that could also get Odom into the flow of the game then they would be an elite team. Also if I had a lot of money then I'd probably have a girlfriend similar to Donald Trump.*

*brief aside: donald trump is courtside in Miami today. He looks the same as he does on TV. i.e. not very good (love the combover). His"companion" is, to put it mildly, a looker. I'm sure she loves the Don's winning personality, rugged jawline, and boyish good looks. They go dutch when they're eating at Per Se and Nobu. For sure.

shaq, for all his huffing and puffing about how good he is, seems much less effective than alonzo mourning. 'zo has the benefit of coming off the bench, but shaq just isn't the presence that he was a couple of years ago. he's not a reliable offensive option, and he can't contribute over the course of a game like he used to. He needs Wade now more than he ever needed Kobe. The Heat should be fine this year, but his contract will be a bummer by 2007.

It's been a few days, but my thoughts on Dick Vitale, ugg boots, and dating can be summed up quickly: They're all crap.

factoid you need to know: Pat Riley played college ball at Kentucky

There's a new disney movie coming out about the Texas Western basketball team that started 5 black players and won an NCAA championship. They were coached by Clem Haskins, and they faced Adolph Rupp's University of Kentucky team in the final that year. (Rupp was a good coach, but he refused to recruit black players.) Pat Riley played for Rupp on that Kentucky team.

NBA action: spurs vs. pistons; can we fire "horrendous" Bill Walton, too?; earth wind and fire tribute on Bravo

happy holidays.
I didn't get an xbox 360 so I'm watching TV instead of dorking out. I do get to enjoy some marquee NBA games today, insofar as an NBA game in December can be said to mean anything. and it's in glowing high-def, which helps.
we're blogging live, coming to you from the start of the fourth quarter. I have been watching most of the game but was too lazy to turn the computer on until i was channel surfing and discovered the Earth, Wind and Fire Tribute on Ice over on Bravo. I heard something about this but I thought it was a joke. absolutely not. this is pure magic on ice. when I got to it there was a distinctly slavic guy in a a red shirt and some sweet black vinyl pants skating in circles to a 70's classic. now, as I return during a timeout, I can see a teal-clad milquetoast couple engaging in some ice dancing that would make me blush if they weren't so sexless. after the love is gone, indeed. more on that in a minute.

thoughts from the spurs/pistons game:
* Tony Parker is ridiculously fast on the ball. he is one of only a couple players I've seen that can turn the corner ("get to the edge" in football parlance) on any player he wishes. The others are AI, Kobe Bryant, and, improbably, LeBron James. What's improbable about that is James is 6' 8" tall and 240 lbs, or only slightly smaller than Ben Wallace. yikes.

* Tayshaun Prince's shoots a jumper like an albatross lands: awkwardly and infrequently. Kids, if you're looking to copy somebody's form, please don't do as Prince does.

* The Spurs aren't nearly as good w/o Ginobili's (sp?) manic energy. They need Duncan and his fu-manchu moustache/afro combo, but they also need Manu's creativity, defense, and scoring.

* I've already seen 4 commercials for some "comedy" that features Heather Graham and her relationship troubles. I think america is ready for another sitcom about a stunningly beautiful woman that can't find a man to keep her company. I'm sure unattractive women across the country will be able to "relate". ladies, here's the deal: if you looked like Heather Graham you wouldn't have a problem finding a guy. trust me on this.

* Darko Milicicshshs (sp?) of the Pistons has the best perve 'stache in pro sports. Second place: Jake Plummer of the Denver Broncos.

* Best part about Bill Walton announcing the Pistons game is that he won't be announcing the lakers/heat game. This is the best xmas present I've gotten so far.

* Pistons dancers xmas outfits score 5 out of 10.

Bill Walton used to have a severe stutter, so I understand he's making up for lost time when he runs his mouth. But for my money he's the worst NBA announcer. He doesn't add anything to the game, and his bombastic tone distracts from the action. I'll get the incomparable Al Michaels and the decent Hubie Brown for the Lakers game. Best matchup will be Wade d'ing up Kobe Bryant. The coaches aren't going to make much noise in the papers for a christmas game. They're old pros.

sending a message, and dating is overrated

Kobe Bryant scored 62 points against the Dallas Mavericks a couple of nights ago. And he did it in 33 minutes. He sat out the entire fourth quarter because the game was out of reach (Lakers won going away). Two things were interesting to me about the big night:

1. No other laker even scored in double figures. This is not a recipe for playoff success. It was just one of those one-off nights, an anomaly. Kobe hit a variety of shots (he takes a variety of shots), and he was 22-25 from the free throw line. He had the SAME number of FGA as he usually does. So he just hit a few more than usual and went to the line a lot. He is on pace to take more than 30% of his team's field goals. I think only two players have ever done that. Jordan is one of them. No idea if they won the championship that year. Also pretty sure that Lamar Odom's Scottie Pippen impression needs some work.

2. After the game Shaq was asked if Kobe was "sending a message." This is the most asinine thing I've heard since Artest publicly demanded a trade. What kind of message was Kobe sending? That he could jack up a boatload of shots and sometimes they go in? Those two guys don't even play the same position. Kobe knows that he will never dunk on the big fella, at least not until he's completely past it or catches him unawares. Message? that is retardo. dear reporters: stop trying to make something out of nothing. I know it's your job, but still. it's stupid. and you know it is.

re: dating - it sucks. that's it and that's all.

"Jesus" Damon, I heart the holidays, and this column has no jokes about king kong's you-know-what(s)

so I'm looking after mom's cat while she is getting settled into her new place up north. the cat is everything everything some people can't stand about cats: it sleeps all day, eats when it wakes up from one of its many naps, and pays me absolutely no mind. and then when i'm doing something it whines and cries like I should be doing something. exactly what is unspecified. so I'm not a huge fan of the cat. plus it could use a haircut. which is why it reminds me of Johnny "Jesus" Damon.

If you haven't turned on a TV or checked the interweb in the past 24 hours you might not have noticed that Johnny Damon has signed a 4 year deal with the Yankees. This pushes the Yankees payroll so high that it might need it's own congressional oversight committee. The best part about Damon leaving for his team's biggest rival is that it'll make the Red Sox fans finally get past the idea that the team that won the world series was some sort of magic. It was really a bunch of guys that played well and got a little bit lucky. Talent, like Liberace, will out itself eventually. As far as team loyalty goes, Damon told them to suck it. that stings if you're a BoSox fan, but you can't feel too smug if you're a yankees fan. Damon followed the money, as most people tend to do. There's always the Patriots, at least until they lose to Indy in January.

I heart the holidays because my brother is a superstar.
Most recently he worked some magic at the local disneyland. While waiting in line he felt some pressure in his lower bowel. On leaving the line to address the issue he decided to "air it out" over the rope. He didn't get enough lift and got both feet caught. Bro is not a small cat, and the smack that followed was so loud it attracted a lot of attention, but the fall was so bad no one laughed. ouch. he jogged it off, bleeding from the elbow and ego. on the way back he decided to go under the barrier, which necessitated the squat-shimmy-stand maneuver. (we've all done it at one point or another.) he approaches the rope, squats, and he's feeling good. during the shimmy he blows a 6 inch rip in the seat of his pants. this is a setback. he stands, acknowledges the appreciative crowd, and wraps his sweatshirt around his waist. he wore it like that the rest of the long, cold day and into the night. respect from FDV.

in football (aka soccer) news, Arsenal lost 0-2 to Chelsea. You probably don't care but we like a race in all our sports leagues. Fans of Lazio (in italy) showed the fascist salute (looks like a nazi salute to me) in support of Paolo di Canio, who was serving a 2 game ban for showing the salute while being subbed off last weekend. Classy. di Canio was also the guy that said that the racist monkey chants directed at an opposing player were a non-issue, and that that the fans should be left alone if they make that kind of contribution. I tend to disagree, but I'm not an italian fascist, so what do I know?

Can you imagine someone in the US ook-ing like a monkey at a player in an NFL game? are you kidding? and it's a regular thing at games in Italy and in Spain. It used to be a regular occurrence in the English Premier League but the FA took the enlightened step of ejecting and banning the fans that participated in that kind of behavior.

that's it for now. with any luck at all the niners will cement their "lead" in the reggie bush race this weekend. they did such a shite job with last year's draft that success is practically guaranteed. like those hair replacement options on the fox sports network. we couldn't say it if it weren't true: this player could make a huge difference to your team. or not.

xbox three-suxty, a pig is a dirty animal, and sport commentary

it looks like I won't have an xbox 360 to keep me company for the holidays. which means I'm going to have to try dating. this is a setback. although this dating thing might be worth a look. we'll see. if you find one at your local best buy go ahead and pick it up for me. I'll send you a check. I haven't checked ebay yet, but I don't really care how much they are there. I refuse to pay anything over the regularly listed retail price. $399 plus tax. that's it and that's all. which means that I'm not going to be getting one any time soon.

as a rule I don't eat pork. however, I need to throw my mom's delicious chile verde a shout-out. I had some for lunch today and it is fantastic. I am not going to start eating pork on a regular basis, but once every couple of years I'll indulge in some of this excellent entree. thanks, mom. big ups from your favorite (and only) son.

brief aside: the nurse (roommate) sounds like she is fixing to cough up a lung. I hope I don't catch whatever she brought home from the hospital. ouch.

and finally, TO is in the news again. I'm not wasting any more words on that clown, but I will spare a few for the tru warier himself, the great Ron Artest. Ron was the subject of an SI cover story before the season started, and it went on at length about how Larry Legend loves Ron Artest and "why you should, too". they claimed that the warier had mended his ways and loved the game and blah blah blah. so when Ron publicly demanded to be traded (thereby reducing his trade value and really pissing off LL and Pacers boss Donnie Walsh) it was a bit of a surprise. but not really. because you knew that he would go and do something stupid sooner or later. it's the Tru Warier's raisin detruh, so to speak. so now Ron has asked to return to the team.

The NBA is not the most team-oriented professional sport (that would be hockey), but there are only 12 guys on the roster, and if your best all-around player decides that he can't help you any more then your instinct is to tell him to go f himself. which is pretty much what O'Neal told him to do. big ups to O'Neal from FDV. so now the pacers might actually get something closer to fair market value for Artest. they will probably get a better deal than the Lakers did for Shaq. [i bring up the Shaq to Heat trade at every opportunity as an example of bad decision making. Dear Mitch Kupchak - please drive a harder bargain when you unload Kobe next year. thx. -FDV].

No idea what new locker room that Artest will poison. It probably won't be an elite team, and it won't be a western conference team, so I don't much care. Nor should you.

ballistic balls, lakers ascend to mediocrity, dick vitale still sucks, and more

the king kong movie is out. no word yet if the big apes nuts make an appearance in the movie. [somewhere my writing teachers are cringing because I just wrote that sentence - i should have sent them an email apology in advance.] if the "ape" has no nuts, how does he make little prince kongs? I guess these are important questions that hollywood leaves uanswered. I might have to shell out $10 of my hard-earned if I want to find out any time soon.

thanks again to King James for volunteering that heartfelt essay on the awful Detroit Lions. really enjoyed that. I look forward to more of that this weekend when the crap Lions play the mediocre Bears. That game is being televised mostly in CIA "grey" detention centers. as a form of torture.

I've been away, but not much comment-worthy has happened in the sports world of late. at least not much that I can make fun of or otherwise impugn. The lakers have gone from "quite weak" to "weak", so that's something. thanks to the miracle of cyberspace I can watch the game and type at the same time. jim gray asks caron butler at halftime: what's it like in a game like this when everybody is struggling to make a basket? butler: uhh... you know, uhhh.. it's hard. [long pause. eventually he follows up with comments about playing defense]. CBut was a pretty good player in Miami but he never really reached his full potential with the Lakers. maybe because he was redundant on a team w/ 8 guards. for the record: the lakers still aren't the best team in LA.

in unrelated news, Sasha Vujacic of the lakers looks like my friend Kevin's identical twin. except kevin is about 6 feet tall. I will bring this up with Kevin immediately if not sooner.

and now for some Dick. not too much, but just enough to keep the firedickvitale fires burning.
he really outdoes himself in his column about the contenders and the pretenders. the opening paragraph starts out promising.

At this time of the season, fans look at different schools and try to figure out which are legitimate contenders and which are pretenders. There are many teams that post gaudy numbers, with plenty of early wins. They may have just one L and it could be misleading. After further review, they have played a lot of cupcakes to make their record look good.

so far so good. this is true, and if the dick can point out which teams fit this description, the so called "pretenders", then we might have an opportunity to review some cogent analysis.

Then there are teams that have faced more marquee competition and suffered a few poundings. I know it is Christmas time and everyone is in a joyous mood. Some schools have loaded up on bargain basement goodies, getting all of those Ws, and then reality sets in. We will find out about several teams, seeing if they are legitimate. Time will tell about some of these squads.

still not good writing but I get it. let's talk about who's pretending!

Look at Tennessee, off to a great start under first-year coach Bruce Pearl. The Vols have a dynamic backcourt in C. J. Watson and Chris Lofton. Tennessee has a couple of tough tests ahead, at Texas and against Eddie Sutton's Oklahoma State Cowboys, at Oklahoma City.

wait, what? so is Tennessee a contender or a pretender? they're off to a good start but they have a "tough" test ahead? what does that even mean? contender vs. pretender question: unanswered.

Pittsburgh is off to a good run. Jamie Dixon's squad has a test at South Carolina and at home on New Year's Eve against Wisconsin. Carl Krauser and company have won seven in a row. La Salle opened well, but Villanova is on the docket December 22nd. Underrated Steven Smith will be tested against the Wildcats. Clemson has a big win over South Carolina, but we'll have to see what happens at the San Juan Shootout, at surprising Georgia and of course, ACC play. Texas A&M has had few early tests, so we will have to see if the Aggies are for real.

what does all this crap mean? you're telling me teams that started well have challenging games coming up. is that the same thing as being a contender or a pretender? this goes on for a few more paragraphs but I don't have the patience to list it all here. just imagine that I paste a bunch of waffle about some high-profile college basketball teams (and basketball camps). some are good. some are not so good. you'll never know which is which if you listen to Dick Vitale. lame.

thanks for reading. if you have a column idea or a sweet topic, just email me or post a comment.

finally, a guest contributor - Comments about the Detroit Cubs. I mean Lions.

the following is straight from our favorite local Detroit Lions fan. If there's more than one, we don't know about it.
We'll call him King James. Since his name is Jimmy.
I'll post a rebuttal tomorrow. I have work to do today.
enjoy...

Hey Guys,
I was sitting here early this morning reading on the Detroit Lions website and heard some information that really excites me, or REALLY DOESN'T!!! I had the pleasure of reading the story about one of my Lions going to the Pro Bowl maybe. No, its not one of our first round wide receivers (Charles Rogers, Roy Williams or Mike Williams) that we have drafted the last three years or our first round quarterback a few years before that (Joey Harrington). Its not even our second round draft pick Kevin Jones our outstanding running back from Virginia Tech. No, not of the obvious guys, its our punter Neil Freaking Harris. They were talking about consistent he has been all year and has improved week by week into one of the leagues best punters. NO CRAP, when you punt it 50 times a game, you better be good or at least get better as the year goes on. He is on the field more than our offense is. I mean, for all the money we pay Joey Harrington or as like to call him "Worst Quarterback EVER!". He should be punting for us too, maybe then he could make a Pro Bowl. I mean I understand going through a rebuilding time, but 15 years is quite a rebuilding time and we have drafted one almost quarterback in that time. The only thing that makes this season have way kind of enjoyable, is that it is almost over and I have all summer to talk about how good the Lions are going to be next year.

I usually get one opportunity to watching these competitive Lions play once a year on that glorious holiday, Thanksgiving. But by the end of the day I don't even want to eat turkey anymore, instead I would rather spike my Grandma's egg nogg and get hammered so I don't remember what I watched earlier that day. Don't get me wrong, I love the Lions a lot, but they are like that abusive boyfriend, they tell me that care and they will try harder next time and every time they play they beat the crap out of me and have no reason to explain why they did it in the first place. This year is different for the Lions, they are going to be on TV again, yes I said again, and no I don't mean Super Bowl at there Stadium in Detroit. I mean at Lambeau Field in Wisconsin this Sunday night at 5:30pm (ESPN). I am so excited, I think the only reason they are televising the game is because it should be hopefully the last game for Brett Favvrrreee at home. That's another thing that I have enjoyed about this year, HOW MUCH THE PACKERS HAVE SUCKED TOO. This division is horrible, they compare the Chicago Bears to the Bears of the 80's. But people seem to forget that those Bears scored more then 3 points a game. THIS NORTH DIVISION SUCKS!!! Well, anyways, I wanted you to know where I am coming from and how hard it has been for me every Sunday to watch this crappy team keep on doing what they do every year around this time, not have a chance to make the playoffs. I know I should keep my head up and I know I have a lot of things to look forward to, like after the last game of the year looking at all the records and knowing that Lions had a better record then the Green Bay Packers, San Francisco 49ers and the Miami Dolphins. Love you guys.

how to make nothing from something, Dicky V style

yeah it's that holiday season again.
I confess that I've been pouring Maker's Mark into my egg nog again. It makes me feel like a butterball but it's so damn GOOD. Dicky V is back to his typically terrific tricks on the espn website. no news from Michael Irvin on his arrest. He is smiling beatifically in his mugshot. Talk about putting a good face on things. Nicely done.

On the Dick's main page at espn.com we have the following from a section entitled "Dick's Dish". I think they mean "dish" as in gossip. The teaser quote is as follows:

Look for my Super Seven Sophs to become special impact players. They will play vital roles in the success of their respective teams.

For some reason the guy gets paid to say this, and then some flunky writes it down. So, to paraphrase, these good players will make their teams better? Damn, that's news. the list itself is just a bunch of first- and second-team pre-season all-americans that happen to be sophomores this year. No surprises in the bunch, as per usual. Moving on to the "stock watch", a favorite here at FDV, becuase it gives The Dick an opportunity to broaden his bland horizons beyond college basketball. for example:

Jermain Taylor won a unanimous decision over Bernard Hopkins to keep his middleweight championship.

Houston, coached by Tom Penders, upset LSU and Arizona last week.

No opinions, but at least factually accurate. I wish I got paid to say stuff like this. And also yell like a howler monkey at college basketball games. this from stock down:

Pete Rose saw his window of opportunity for being on the Hall of Fame ballot close.

Kentucky was upset at Rupp Arena by a young North Carolina squad.

hmmm... no mention of why Pete Rose is banned, but we'll give him a pass on that one. he's giving us some credit. We could really use some of his expert basketball analysis on why Kentucky was upset by UNC. maybe I can suss it out in another of his posts. yes!

Tubby Smith's team couldn't have expected a tough time from Roy Williams' Carolina team because the Tar Heels are so young.

This is the same team that Dick said could compete in the ACC because of their young talent. See his non-answer answer to UNCs chances at a tournament shot in a previous FDV blog entry.

On any given day, this North Carolina squad can challenge anybody.

Oh, here we are: don't expect a "tough time", but they can challenge anybody. got it. make a statement, then contradict it. sure. I like basketball. I hate basketball. easy.

There will be some days where this team loses to someone it shouldn't, but on Saturday, coming off a loss to Illinois, the Tar Heels came through as Reyshawn Terry scored 25 points.

[blah]

The trifecta was a big factor as North Carolina made 10 in the upset, while Kentucky was seven-of-21.

Love that cliched use of the word trifecta, baby. unfortunately, that's all the analysis we get about the game. maybe he got tired of talking into the flunkey's recording machine. I'd provide my own expert analysis but I didn't see the game. dammit. I'll be getting my hoops on later this week for the Jimmy V. classic.
talk to you then.

Michael Irvin: helping a "brother" out

ahh, what a week it's been.
i don't even have to dig into dicky v's bag of bluster to find the impetus for this article: Michael Irvin's recent arrest for posession of drug paraphanelia (did I spell that right? no one cares).

yes, The Playmaker, whose sartorial taste (poor) and interview style (baglicking) have already been chronicled here on FDV, was arrested and booked after the cops found a marijuana pipe and bags containing marijuana residue under the driver seat of his car. Phil Taylor of the "hot button" on cnnsi.com already wrote some excellent comments about why a man w/ a felony drug plea would choose to hide his drugs under the driver seat of his car, as opposed to somewhere in his 10,000 square foot house. Big ups to Mr. Taylor from FDV.

Irvin claims that the drugs are not his. they belong to his "brother". Originally the cops thought he meant his actual related brother, but since the arrest he has changed his story, and now he means "brother", i.e. his homie. His friend had the drugs, and he had to take them away from him and "get rid of them" to "protect his kids." And by "get rid of them" he means "smoke all that shit up".

If Irvin's IQ was as high as the wattage on his five-button suits he would probably be able to figure out that a guy with a felony no-contest drug plea probably shouldn't be hanging out with people that bring drugs over to the house. Probably. But this is the same guy that, when arrested with another of his homies, two hookers and a plate of blow, denied that any of the drugs were his. Riiiiiight. The hookers said this was nonsense, but we weren't there so we don't know. We can make an educated guess that two low-budget call girls probably didn't have the cash for a big pile of imported Colombian flake, but that's conjecture. We don't want to go out on a limb or anything.

If Irvin wants to get a little bit for his cataracts then we here at FDV aren't ones to judge. But puh-leeze STOP LYING to yourself, your family, your church (Irvin is a front-row, camera-loving Christian), and your boss. Your friends you don't have to worry about. They're the ones scoring you the weed in the first place.