Just in time for the 'big game': epic douchebaggery

I cribbed this picture to whet your appetite. You'll have to go to the source for the full breakdown. Enjoy.

There's no question that this guy refers to the team as "we", as in, "we really need to stop Larry Fitzgerald". So he's practically on the team. Heck, he's more on the team than the guys on the team because they might leave or retire or get a life but he's bought all the merchandise and goes to the games and has a tattoo. He's not a fan, he's a FANATIC.
FUCK YEAH! [crushes beer can on head]

Yay for life skills: ballroom dancing

The Fat Kid is taking ballroom dancing lessons. They are expensive but it's fun and challenging and I think it will help balance out my other hobbies, which include weightlifting, playing guitar, and rolling around with sweaty guys in my pajamas (not shirtless, if you must know). Some observations after my first class and lesson:

- Total number of men in my first class (excluding the instructor) that were within +/- 5 years of my age: zero

- Total number of men that were AT LEAST 25 years or older than me (expressed as a percentage): 100; a couple of the old cats were pretty smooth on the dancefloor, though, so I tried to copy them.

- Number of women (excluding instructor) that were within +5 years of my age: 2; the rest of the ladies were on par with the men in terms of age. Imagine dancing with your grandmother at a wedding and that's more or less how I learned my first waltz steps.

- I'm pretty sure that some of the ladies loosened up with a couple glasses of wine before the class. They were not shy. It's great to be the only thirty-something guy, except when it's not.

I think the prohibitive cost keeps the late 20's / early 30's girls away. That and the fact that any girl with some sense can get a guy to teach her to dance for free. Which is going to be my move as soon as I learn some steps. hotness!

Sweet sweetness - using networks to create something extraordinary

This via slate.com.

The demo seemed magical, conjuring a whole new way of collecting the thousands of photos that each of us now produce during our lifetimes: Imagine being able to review your Grand Canyon vacation not as a static slide show but as a tour of the 3-D environment produced by your and everyone else's pictures. "This takes data from the entire collective memory of what the earth looks like," Aguera y Arcas told the crowd. "All of those photos become linked together, and they make something emergent—greater than the sum of their parts."

I'd make a nerd boner joke here but I don't want anyone to get in trouble at work. Just know that I'm a nerd. And my boner is set to "emergent".

Also - TED talks is bitchin way to kill a few minutes if you want to learn something new. I think I've mentioned it here before, but here are some of my favorites again:

Malcolm Gladwell
William J. Clinton
Richard Dawkins

Thanks for reading.

Snopes.com is your friend

I have friends that do all kinds of awesome stuff, like get blackout drunk and fall down. I don't make fun of them in these pages (much) because we've all been there. Throwing stones in glass houses and all that. What I will make fun of is when they forward me chain mails from other idiots and don't bother to go to snopes.com to figure out if maybe they are being fed some bullshit. As in this forward I got from Orange County's Most Eligible Bachelor today:

From: An Idiot (not the OC's MEB - someone else sent it to him)
Sent: Tuesday, January 27, 2009 10:52 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Reminder Cell Phone Numbers Go Public Today!

  Heads up  REMEMBER: Cell Phone Numbers Go Public today

>  REMINDER... all cell phone numbers are being released to

> telemarketing  companies tomorrow and you will start to

> receive sale calls.  .... YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE

> CALLS  To prevent this, call the following number from your

> cell phone:  888-382-1222.  It is the National DO NOT CALL

> list. It will only take a minute of your  time. It blocks

> your number for five (5) years. You must call from the

> cell  phone number you want

 to have blocked. You cannot

> call from a different  phone number.  

I have a computer that talks to other computers through a cable in the wall, so I checked with the redoubtable snopes.com, and guess what? It's a hoax. Like all good lies there are some correct facts in there, but it's still a hoax. I alerted my friend, sent him the link. He responded:

"I just called the number bumbler. It was legit."

Hold the phone. Let's review:
In one corner, you've got a chain mail that someone forwarded to you.

In the other corner, you've got a loooong explanation from Snopes, backed up by referenced media and a link to the FCC website.

I wouldn't know who to believe, either. I mean come on, it has a number so it must be legit! Right? Anyone? [Is this thing on?]

Did you miss me?

It's been a while since we last visited. I've been busy but not busy with anything that is fun or interesting (to anyone but me). No good stories or funny happenings.

One of the trip participants posted some more pictures of the build we did a couple weekends ago. She captured the general feeling of elation and accomplishment you feel after finishing a tough project. At this point we are waiting for the other build team (there were two groups of us) to finish their house so we can get in the car and go home. We couldn't do anything to help b/c they didn't have any more tools. They had more people than we did, but we had the benefit of a more experienced crew. Left to right in the photo: Spencer, the doosh, Sam, and Matt.

In unrelated news, the fat kid (me) is mixing some ballroom dance lessons into his weekly activities. Gets me out of the house, anyway.

If you build it they will come

Spent the weekend building a house in TJ for a needy family. It went well.

Some people were giving me a hard time about my suspenders / cowboy hat fashion statement. Both are standard equipment on framing jobs, although most companies make you wear a hard hat now. The hat keeps the sun off, and the suspenders keep your tool belt from falling down. I thought more critics would notice my homage to Michael Jackson with the one glove. Sexxxy!

Pete Carroll: Pure class all the way

Pete Carroll is a rah rah coach perfectly suited to the college game. He failed in the NFL because that rah rah shit doesn't cut it at the pro level and he wasn't innovative / didn't adapt well from week to week with his offensive and defensive play calling. He's also a petulant dick when someone disagrees with him. He's not alone in that, but it would be a lot better for his image if he didn't do it at press conferences for his star players.

24 Hours of Le Mans - Truth in 24

NFL films is awesome because they still shoot on film, not digital. It's expensive and it's a hassle, but the images and results are worth the effort. They were asked by Audi to shoot last year's Le Mans auto race. They made a movie about it. It looks awesome.

Trailer isn't on youtube yet so you'll have to go to the website. Already put 20 March on my calendar.

Any stirring in my loins during the 30 second trailer was purely coincidental, and has nothing to do with the sweet video plus soundtrack of race noises blended with techno instrumental. grrrrrr!

Hollywood is a joke part MCMXVIII

Apparently fight movies are all the rage right now. The fight scenes in these movies are beyond ridiculous. All fights in movies are fake; gunfights in particular are absurd. But it's hard to find decent footage of actual gunfights on the internet. On the other hand, there's no shortage of quality videos of MMA fights. So you can compare what they're showing you in the movies to, you know, the genuine article. Which is nice if things like "facts" and "authenticity" appeal to you.

Here's the thing: Punches rarely land flush in most fights. When they do, if a huge guy (or even a small guy) punches you on the chin you will get knocked out and might not wake up for several minutes. In Hollywoodland it only makes you more angry (grrrrrrrrr!).

Also: You don't fight better after you've been stunned. You fight worse. And a good fighter doesn't knock you on the ground and then stand there to admire his handywork. He knocks you on the ground and then he gets on top of you and beats the shit out of you.

Dork Practice

My friend Sebastian was already featured here during his west coast tour (Vegas and the OC). For reasons best left unexplained the majority of the photos from that visit didn't make it onto Facebook. He was kind enough to post photos from his 'ski trip' in New Zealand. No word if he did any actual skiing. I tend to doubt it.

The top photo was the first one I saw, and it took me a few seconds to find him. That guy in the shirt that's 3 sizes too small, with the wig? Yeah, that's him.

Dad Practice

Spent some time at my peeps house over the weekend and got to visit with his kids. I call it Dad Practice. I like other people's kids because they have to do all the hard work and I get to hang out and we do coloring and dancing and run in circles. And eat dessert. Usually all at the same time, which is my favorite.

Attached is a photo of Madeleine trying on my trainers. When I took her picture I asked her if she was the cutest thing ever in the history of things that are cute and she said, "yes?", which somehow made it even cuter.

let's review: watchable romantic "comedies"

From the comments section of a previous post, we get some additional suggestions for watchable romantic comedies. To wit:

hi-fidelity (yes the book is better blah blah) - Correct, the book IS better, but this doesn't work for me because I can't see a girl watching it and thinking it is good. Unless they love John Cusack, which is a possibility.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - Didn't see it.

chocolat - didn't like this one but that's just me.

notting hill - Don't remember this very well but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Definitely a chick flick but I remember it being mildly funny.

one might even argue for pretty woman - Hooker with a heart of gold? Seriously? This movie made a lot of money but the plot is beyond dumb. Hector Elizondo is the best part about this film.

My own addition:
Four Weddings and a Funeral - Funny and sad at the same time.

Don't have time for links today. I'll add them later if time permits. (Do I have to do all the work around here?)

A little something for the ladies

I used to date a girl that looooooved wiener dogs. A lot. Those days are gone, but I remain a fan of the Dachshund. They are pretty damn cute. My favorite graphic designer posted an updated photo gallery of his long-breed dog, so get on over there and enjoy the pix.

My favorite is him trying to maintain his dignity in the chicken outfit. It's not working, but I appreciate the effort. Keep your head up, G.

Cheerleading is A-W-E-S-O-M-E

So I'm doing some international news reading over on the Guardian (because I'm so cosmopolitan) and the first article I visited was - of course - "Cheerleading scandals hit all-time high in 2008". Sure I could read about the crisis in Gaza or the global financial markets but I'd be lying if I said I didn't see what the cheerleading scandal had to offer first. And I was rewarded with the following:

And the Arizona State Cheerleaders had naughty pics leaked on the internet as did the Sacramento Kings cheerleaders, a school cheerleading team in Seattle, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers cheerleading squad, the Orange Coast College cheerleaders in Costa Mesa, California, the cheerleaders at a school in North Carolina, and the Cleveland Cavs cheerleaders.

I say 'rewarded' because this is an international newspaper, and it's hilarious to me that the tramps that are going to college RIGHT DOWN THE STREET from where I live made it into an article on the Guardian. Nice work, ladies. No wonder this guy is a junior college English professor. In Orange County.*

* Actually true. Seriously.

Beware the helmet

This article was merely interesting, and then it became awesome:

Stories have also appeared in the local papers highlighting passengers' fears that the helmets could be used by motorcyclists to cast spells on their clients, making it easy for them to be robbed.

"Some people can put juju inside the helmets and when they are worn the victim can either lose consciousness or be struck dumb," passenger Kolawole Aremu told the Daily Trust newspaper.

The list of "romantic comedies" that are surprisingly not sh*t

Every now and then you will want to (have to?) see a movie with a Girl. In the event you can't find anything in theaters you want to watch, you can get yourself down to the local Blockbuster and rent one of the following. Here, in no particular order, is my list of romantic comedies for guys that don't like romantic comedies.

1. The Princess Bride - I covered this one at length already. And even though this list is not in any kind of order, Princess Bride should always be at the top.

2. Enchanted - It has Dr. McDouche, who is vaguely annoying and tedious, but it also has Amy Adams, who is ludicrously good looking. So they balance out. And the movie is surprisingly funny and watchable. And it's an excuse to suggest another Amy Adams movie to the Girl later, because she was "so good in Enchanted."

3. When Harry Met Sally - It's an old movie at this point, but it's held up well. Enjoy the part about whether or not men & women can actually be neutral friends. And you can be reminded why Meg Ryan used to be the cutest girl in Hollywood.

4. Love Actually - It's Christmas, it's in London, it's got relationships that succeed and some that don't. Good ensemble cast, plus hugs and (mostly) happy endings. Watch this around xmastime with your girl and you will definitely get a nice happy ending yourself, if you know what I mean. (And I think you do.)

5. Definitely, Maybe - I was prepared to hate this but the movie ends up being more about relationships that fail than the ones that succeed, and it features an underrated Isla Fisher. I could watch Isla Fisher read the phone book. And Ryan Reynolds isn't as pretty as, say, Brad Pitt, and thus easier to watch. Until he takes his shirt off. Then he's just being a dick.

6. Strictly Ballroom - Early work by Baz Luhrmann. It's got a love story, it's got ballroom dancing, and it's legitimately funny.

That's all I can think of for now. I'll update/repost this if I remember any more that should be on this list.

(Image courtesy and copyright One Love Photo - it's a piece of artwork the artist put together for a newly-married couple that loved sloths. Not sure if the couple ever met schadenfreude sloth and his cousin hangover bear. Or if they read the tagline of GJAW. But we're glad they got married. Even if they put living bug carpets on their wedding invitations. )

Just as true as the previous post, but painful in a different way

What's yours?