the mailbag, giving thanks, and current events

hope you had a good thanksgiving.
dicky v's mailbag was published earlier this week. sweet. let's give thanks for that. we'll get to it in a few minutes. first, current events...

what's up with NOI lookalikes attacking liquor stores in oakland? don't you guys have anything better to do? the NOI office in oakland says the attackers were not affiliated. fair enough. still no idea what those guys were thinking. question: what would happen if a bunch of white guys in suits attacked neighborhood liquor stores? either way, it's a bunch of idiots breaking stuff. dur.

other current events: brazilian pop singer [very hot, if you care] is banned from a vatican christmas show because she was active at a safe sex rally and said that "condoms prevent the spread of AIDS." I can see where the controversy is coming from. apparently safe sex is very controversial at the vatican. (there's a pedophile joke in there somewhere, but we're too good for that. I think.)

ooohhh, more news: national announcement from the Department of Homeland Security: malls are attractive targets for terrorists. security people are asked to be on the alert. I can't wait to see what that looks like at my local mall. maybe the 800 year old retiree that patrols the parking lot will take fewer cigarette breaks? I tend to be on the alert for talent at south coast plaza, and I'm rarely disappointed. not sure about terrorists. I'm more afraid of some overmedicated suburbanite running me down in her Escalade. (this has happened.)

okay, back to our main mission: identifying the idiocy of one Richard "The Dick" Vitale. some have argued that this sort of activity lands in the same area as shooting fish in barrels, taking candy from babies, making out with drunk sorority girls, etc, etc. whatever. as usual, The Dick's comments in bold, and my witty repartee in plain text.

Victor P. Conway NC
I would like know who you think is the best team in the ACC, And Who will win the ACC?

This is a great opening question, and I'm really glad that The Dick is going to open his mailbag by answering it. Let me rephrase this question so it's less obvious: Dick, who is the team in the ACC ranked #1 in the country in all the polls, and what team did you already pick as your #1 in a previous column?

VITALE: I feel Duke is the team to beat. I picked the Blue Devils to win the national championship. Mike Krzyzewski has J. J. Redick and Shelden Williams returning, plus a great incoming class led by Josh McRoberts and Greg Paulus.

Duke, the team to beat? does that mean in the nation, or just in the ACC? hey dick, does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? get back to me.

Matt (Buffalo, NY)
With Warrick gone, do you think the Orange have a legit shot at winning another championship?

not a bad question. the cuse don't have a shot, but this is a good opportunity for The Dick to name drop, flail around and not answer. to wit:

VITALE: You can't put anything past Jimmy Boeheim and that 2-3 zone.

dur.

He knows how to win and the arrival of Eric Devendorf gives the Orange a diaper dandy who will get better and better.

No one gets worse in dickyland.

Gerry McNamara is a great perimeter shooter.

no kidding? how can anyone who follows the game even read this stuff?

Guys like Terrence Roberts, Louie McCroskey, Darryl Watkins and Demetris Nichols have to step it up, grow up and be active. Syracuse should still be one of the upper echelon teams in the Big East.

and that brings us to the end of the comments. the original question: do syracuse have a chance at winning a national championship? read it again, slowly, and tell me if you can find the answer in his response. no? me either. the answer is no, but that terrific Irishman from Scranton, PA will take them to the tournament, hopefully late in the tournament.

and I'm spent. thanks for reading.
it was a long entry, but we had a slow afternoon here in the OC. great job all week.

oh, we're in this bitch, and yes, Dick Vitale still has a job

I heart dick vitale.
here's his latest bit of insight on the Florida basketball program. Some background: Billy Donovan is a darling of the media, mostly because he used to play for Rick Pitino (at Providence) and he definitely made the most of his talents there. Here at FDV we think he's a good coach but his teams should really be more comptetitive. He's got all the pieces: good facility, good boosters, good location, big school, and barrel scraping academic standards. I'm too lazy to check his graduation rates but I'm pretty sure they're awful. so, on to the article. as always, The Dick's insight in bold, and my witty rejoinders in plain text.

These kids play hard, work as a team and have a commitment to defense that has been missing at times in recent years.

Dick, wouldn't this lack of defensive commitment be the fault of the same coach that you are so fond of? I guess it's okay to say that someone isn't performing "at times", but only if you talk about it in the past. way to maintain high levels of milquetoast, Dick.

Having grown up with athletics as part of the background, these players know the pressure of expectations.

Poorly constructed sentence, but I get the idea. Several Florida players are related to former pro athletes. They understand pressure. Ok so far...

This Gators squad didn't have the same expectations as recent Florida teams since [former starters] Roberson, Walsh and Lee accounted for over 45 points per game last season.

Wait, if we're talking about pressure of expectation as a positive, why is it relevant if the current team doesn't have the same expectations? does that make sense? i know it's hard to make sense sometimes. The Dick reverts to form in subsequent paragraphs, but there's no reason to repeat them here. Short summary: Florida will be better than some people expect.

thanks for reading.

we're back and better than ever! (kind of), plus bad puns and is dick vitale still employed?

dear reader, it's been too long.
I was struck with a general malaise over the weekend, but now that I've fought it off I am confident that I can re-direct my vitriol outward (instead of inward). thankfully, the basketball season is upon us, the NFL is in full swing (like king kong's balls on a hot day), and the Dick continues to contribute his weekly vomitous via espn.com and that crazy thing I like to call the teevee. that wasn't a complete sentence but we're feeling good here at Doosh central so let's get down to brass tacks.

first, the Videogame Franchise Maui Invitational. I remember when this was just the plain old Maui Invitational, and I don't mind the sponsorships all that much, EXCEPT when they inject the sponsor's product directly into the analysis. really, they do this. example: the EA ncaa hoops videogame is used to run example offensive sets for the major teams. if I wanted to watch a videogame I'd drop it into my xbox (no 360 yet, but soon, we hope) and start dorking out right then and there. I don't think that having Jay Bilas do analysis of a videogame play is really worth my while. but EA is paying the big bucks so ESPN gets on their knees and does a Michael Irvin (see previous entries re: T.O. and Irvin's interview techniques for an explanation of what I mean by "does a Michael Irvin").

In protest, I am not going to buy any more EA sports games*. * = Madden excepted (it's great to stand on principle and everything, but no madden? unconscionable). not buying the EA games* will have absolutely no impact on their current marketing, but it will save me some cash.*

ahh, the NFL. I support the San Francisco 49ers. I will not write about the NFL until a) I am confident the niners could give the Trojans a run for their money or b) the playoffs start, or c) Brett Fave-ruh hangs it up. Nice play as time expired over the weekend, Brett. Way to "make something happen" for your team. and by "make something happen" I mean "lose".

this entry is getting a bit long. we're going to publish, then analyze some of The Dick's genius.

tv's back, text vs. subtext, and niners vs. bears toilet bowl

the cable guy finally came and swapped out the ill-tempered cable box. it's nice to be back in the digital age. i had forgotten what jackasses most nfl announcers are. after about 2 minutes (real time - 28 seconds of game time) i remember. so that didn't take long.

vikings facing third and 41 and brad johnson dumps it off into the flat for a gain of 6. plus Mike Tice is claiming he blew out his knee in a freak play on the sideline. i'm looking forward to reading about that tomorrow. you can add all this misery to the vikings season of superbness. the particulars on that are available somewhere else. just google "vikings sex scandal randy moss superbowl scalping". or you can google "stupidity" and you'll probably get there just as quickly. we have more important things to discuss, like text vs. subtext.

blog update: vikings return a punt for a touchdown. they already returned a kickoff and an interception for a touchdown. the offense is still scoreless. nice. for the record, brad johnson isn't looking very good. but neither was Culpepper before he got hurt.

text vs. subtext is one of my little pet topics. here's a real world example: you're talking to a girl and you ask for her phone number. she says "sure!" but her face looks like she just got crapped on by a pelican. the text of the message suggests that she is glad to share her number and she's looking forward to talking to you again real soon. the subtext is her expression and tone, which indicates that, on the whole, she'd really rather not. there is always a lot more information communicated in the subtext of a message than in the text. more on this in future blogs.

bears - niners? I bet my buddy a twack (twelve pack) of PBR that the niners would win the game. I lost a similar bet last year w/ a dolphins fan. it looks like I'll be buying beers again this year. because the niners aren't very good (subtext: the niners are the worst team in the league, with no end in sight).

johnson underthrew yet another open receiver. announcer says that he feels more comfortable throwing the ball down the field. good for him. too bad his arm strength is pennington-esque.

TV returns, plus king kong's junk

finally got TV and the dvr back in the crib. enjoying the rockets/heat game. it's like taking candy from a baby when i ridicule the idiocy of dick vitale, so lets shift direction and talk about current events: specfically - panthers cheerleaders having sex in a bar bathroom? now, as exciting as this sounds, I don't think it really happened. it just isn't something that girls tend to do, even the sort of girls that would get in a bar fight. now, if it was two male cheerleaders, then I might believe it. moving on...

instant feedback from the heat game:

d. wade is the truth. I know that I am in violation of my rules-against-stating-the-obvious but as a laker fan it irks me. every time I see him play I realize how pathetic the lakers were in not getting him for shaq. the rule is: if you trade your best player, you get the other team's best player. no, wade wouldn't have been a laker for very long. the lakes would have flipped him for a legitimate big man (not Kwame "creampuff" Brown). but 3 mediocres are not equivalent to one very good (I say very good, b/c the trade was before he blew up into a superstar last year).

are smokers really going to the philipmorris.com website to get information about quitting smoking? is it too direct to just tell people that smoking will kill you? i guess so.

saw a rare double foul / jump ball in the game. it was a combo charge/blocking violation, and fouls were called on both players (two different officials), no team fouls charged, and it was a jump ball. not sure how that works, but it was kind of cool. I couldn't say if it was a charge or a block or not. so the double foul was a good choice - esp. since a no call gives the advantage to the offensive player. I liked that the officials called it both ways and they were both right. unusual, but good.

marv albert's sartorial taste is poor. but his tonsorial taste is exceptional. looking very sharp in a custom pompadore (spelling?). he probably doesn't know how long it takes to do his hair, since he's never there when it happens. he just puts it on before game time, like a coat.

yao ming looks good in the game. his game has improved since he came into the league. he's not nearly as much of a stiff as he used to be. shaq is sitting this one out with a bad ankle so yao is having his way inside. zo mourning looks like he's past it. yao is taking it to him. damn, spin move under the basket for yao, and he knows he's got zo's number. if he plays like this all season he'll be the mvp.
and I'm spent.

speaking of T.O. and sucking, this from The Dick

all the negative press on TO hasn't prevented dick vitale from piling on.
this from dick's "stock watch", where he (or some intern) charts the ups and downs in the world of sports. this was the dick's lead item in "stock down":
Terrell Owens has created enough controversy with the Eagles.
that's it. really. he managed not to say anything negative about a guy that pretty much cries out for it. "created enough controversy"? what does that even mean? it's an incomplete sentence, so it's hard to say. allow me to put some words in the dick's mouth
... with the Eagles that they have decided to fire his stupid ass.
see how easy that was?
now for some tidbits from his v-mail mailbag. I don't have time to dissect each response. you can read it for yourself at espn.com, or you can just imagine what a third grader would say if you asked him a question and he wanted to impress you without possibly offending you. here goes:
when asked about the chances of Ok St. this year:
They have young talent, different than the experienced talent they lost in John Lucas, Joey and Stephen Graham, etc.
so you're saying that young players are different than older players? got it. I'll make a note of that. when asked about U of A, or as I like to call it, USC, Southwestern Campus, the Dick says:
Lute Olson is an architect who has a winner's mentality.
got it. not like those other coaches with a loser's mentality. Roy Williams was the big loser until last year. maybe flaking out on your program and players can help you find that "winner's mentality"?
and finally, when asked about how many tournament teams the ACC will have and if North Carolina will make it, The Dick says:
North Carolina will be an up-and-down team this season, but I feel the Tar Heels are capable of shocking people. They will beat some people you don't expect and they will fall to some others you wouldn't predict. They have such a young team but there is talent. With the class coming in next season to join the nucleus of Tyler Hansbrough and company, then you will see something special. I feel that six teams from the ACC will make the field of 65. Duke is certainly the class of the league, and Boston College will be in the hunt as well.
let's see: 6 ACC teams in the tourney, and North Carolina... ummm... wait for it... they'll win some, lose some, and then what? will they? won't they? the Dick doesn't say. why would he? it would make too much sense to answer the question.
wouldn't want to offend anybody, would you?
great job all week. I hope the cable guy fixes my tv / dvr.

election day, T.O.

greetings from sunny southern CA.
we're back again with a critique of the inimitable dicky v, as well as a transcript of an interview that the noted journalist Michael Irvin had with Terrell Owens.
[brief aside: if you type "Michael Irvin" into the ESPN search it lists him under the category "Talent". I am not making this up.]
first, a short transcript of Irvin's interview with Terrell Owens. I think I covered some of Irvin's skilled interview techniques in an earlier blog (he was talking to LaVar Arrington, who resisted the invitation to trash his coaches).
fade in...
[close up of T.O., looking in the mirror at himself] damn, the T.O. looks gooooooood today. hey, michael, you done down there?
[Irvin, on his knees, fellating T.O.,] mmm... mmmwhat? damn, you think you guys would be better if Brett "15 TDs and 14 INTs in '05" Fav-ruh was playing the quarterback position passsing to number 81 in our programs but number 1 in your heart?
T.O.: hell yeah! Favre's a warrior. He knows how to win. [pauses, looks down] talk into the microphone, mike! that's right! Drew, get in here and mind the stepchildren!
irvin: mmm... yeahhmmmm... damn right...
"playmaker" indeed.
no tv for theDoosh right now. apparently there was some kind of a mix-up with the ps2 and the cable box. the guy is coming. It crapped out friday so I missed the entire weekend of NBA action, plus the NFL, and I'm pretty sure there ws a game on monday night, too. I think maybe it'll be back on thursday. groinballs.
oh yeah, it's election day. hopefully you voted.

dick vitale is an XL douchebag, part XVII

lots of truly terrific commentary from the dick this week. espn publishes everything this guy says. if only he were halfway talented, they'd really be onto something.
I have to admit, sometimes it's tough to summon up something clever to say about dicky v's idiocy. but then I have a look at one of his columns and the floodgates open. thank God.
today's entry borrows from his "nba notebook". as if his boring, bland platitudes about college basketball weren't enough.

I am a big fan of basketball, so I keep an eye on the NBA as well as the sport I love, college basketball.
no kidding, dicky? well, i'm sure your expertise will make itself evident here.

As the pro season tips off, there are a lot of interesting story lines. How will the Knicks fare with Larry Brown as coach? How will the Lakers' soap opera of Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson play out? Personally, I think Kobe is going to have a big season.
this from the dick: Kobe Bryant, arguably the best player in the NBA behind Tim Duncan, is going to have a big season. I can see the dick really dusted off his magnifying glass.

Watch out for LeBron James; he should get the Cavaliers into the playoffs under new coach Mike Brown.
the cavs finished, I think, a game out of the playoffs last year. so the dick is really going out on a limb here. for f's sake.

Looking ahead, a lot of people have asked me which two teams will meet in the finals. I am predicting the San Antonio Spurs and Miami Heat will battle for the big gold trophy.

bold, dicky. bold. what, no warriors / bucks in the finals? clippers and, ummm, duke?

I really feel Miami has made a lot of moves to strengthen its depth. Shaq and Dwyane Wade lead the way, but important contributions should come from Antoine Walker, Jason Williams and James Posey. In the end, I see the San Antonio Spurs celebrating again as Duncan leads the way to yet another championship.

ahh, and there you go. amazingly, no teams got worse this year. is that even possible?
it is in the land of the dick.
I'm starting a new feature here at firedickvitale. I'm calling it TNNW, short for total number of negative words. if I stop working 10 hour days then I'll go back and review some of the previous columns, mostly because I know it'll be so easy. here's how it works: if I analyze a column or a broadcast, I'll count the total number of negative words. this one's easy: zero.