Why is this McGwire stuff news? Why do people care? Did anyone not already know he had taken performance enhancing drugs? What exactly is a performance enhancing drug, anyway? Because when I drink a couple bourbons I'm like kryptonite to the bitches. It ENHANCES my PERFORMANCE, is what I mean. Hey, is this thing on?
I told my friend Sonia:
ahh, it's so lame. I love all the hand-wringing and concern. Like this is news. And how Selig said he will be 'welcomed back to the game'. Like he was in exile somewhere? He lives in Shady Canyon and plays golf 4 days a week. I have seen him at the grocery by Jeff's house.* He got bored. He took drugs that weren't even prohibited by baseball. So what? The incentive was to get paid tens of millions of dollars and be idolized. The judgy sportswriters will have a field day trying to figure out if he should go in the hall of fame. (More on this, and Jon "Hey-man I'm an Idiot", when I have time.) Now McGwire is crying because he's a liar and, depending on who you believe, a cheat. Grow up already you weak-chinned sissy.
Hall of Fame req's: you can stab an elevator attendant for being an "uppity n*****" (like Ty Cobb did), or you can be an avowed racist and segregationist (take a bow, Kenesaw Mountain Landis), and you can eat amphetamines like tic tacs (Joe Morgan waves hello!), but you better not take any drugs to improve your strength and reduce recovery time. That would be terrible! You're ruining the game! [rends garments, gnashes teeth, stares longingly at SI cover of Mickey Mantle]
*Actually true.
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