If I were making it up you wouldn't believe me: The breaks desk at BofA Securities in 1998

I have had some interesting work experiences. My first job was perhaps noteworthy for it's pronounced lack of weirdos. My second job at BofA Securities was so chock full of them that if I made up the characters and put them on television no one would believe that they were real.

I worked the breaks desk, first on the NASDAQ and then on the 'big board', or NYSE. A trade 'breaks' if both sides don't recognize the same price and quantity for the transaction. One side has to recognize (or 'know', in the parlance) buying, say, 5000 shares at $10, and the other side has to 'know' selling 5000 shares at $10. If both sides don't agree, the trade 'breaks', and it would land on my desk. Conversations would typically look like the trader on the NYSE floor saying, "I know this trade at such and such a quantity, and such and such a price", and then you would take the break out to the dipshit from Columbia that got his high-profile job because he was on the Columbia football team and explain how he screwed up. Fun. I shared the responsibility with 5 other guys, so there was ample opportunity for back and forth in between delivering bad news.

My job working for the breaks desk at 'Banc' of America Securities in the late 90's (in the Transamerica Pyramid office) included the following real people:

The Overweight Lover - A morbidly obese, effeminate gay man who did the balance sheets, and made shamelessly inappropriate comments to the 'boys' in the office whenever he noticed something particularly sassy about our outfits, such as "Love your suspenders! I loooove a shirtless man in suspenders! Do you wear them without a shirt? hehehehehe". I'm not sure if he got a kick out of it, or if he did it because it made us feel awkward, or both. Probably both. He was definitely good enough at his job that no one fucked with him. He wore a short-sleeved shirt to work every day because it was 'hot' in the office. He literally sweated over the figures. Ties were required, but he was over it so he kept a clip-on in his drawer; whenever someone asked where his tie was he would grab it out of his drawer, wave it at his jowls, and giggle. They generally only did this once.

Cheryl the New York Jew - A woman with a mouth so foul that it surprised even me, and I'm not shy about the f-word. Despite living in San Francisco for the better part of 20 years, her New York accent was as heavy as ever. To be fair, she did spend a lot of time talking to her friends and family 'back home' after she came in super early and finished doing my work and the work of 3 other people. The trading floor guys didn't want to work with her, maybe because they got tired of hearing her tell them they were stupid. Every day at 3 AM we would 'go through the breaks with Cheryl' and she would tell you what 'your fuckin' prawblehms ah'. Other important things I remember about Cheryl: she was very good at her job, and she smelled like perfume, coffee and cigarettes. On reflection, perhaps 'smelled' is too mild a word. Reeked of perfume, coffee, and cigarettes, then.

She gave us numerous expressions that live on to this day, not least of which is "take no answer", which is shorthand for "I have no answer to give you right now, and I don't want to talk to you, and I don't have time to explain all of this to you, so go away, right now, and don't bother me again until I'm ready". Cheryl liked to talk REALLY FUCKING LOUD so hers always sounded like 'TAKE NO ANSAH.' When Cheryl told you to TAKE NO ANSAH you literally took it, and took it nice.

George the Pilipino Playa - George favored garishly colored suits and ties, with matching ankle-length boots. It was not uncommon for him to rock a purple coat, green pants, and purple shoe-boots, with some kind of white or yellow shirt/tie combo to pull it all together. Believe me when I tell you that it was awesome beyond my powers of description. The boots alone required a level of sartorial commitment you find only in the colorblind, insane, or brilliant. Also, he had a heavy philipino accent, which led to some occasional confusion when asked me questions about audio/video equipment, such as:
"what ees dis ting, dis subwopper?"
Me: The shit what?
George: "What do you do dis ting, dis subwopper? Eet goes wit dee speakers??"
Me: the subWOOFer?
George: "Yeasss, dat's de one! Dee subwopper!"  [cue hilarity]

Or if he had questions about the web:
'heyyyy, how do you surp de web?'
me: The whatnow?
George: 'de web, how do you surp de web?
me: 'surf the web? like, the internet?
George: "yes! dat's de one! surp de web!"

Bit players:
Billy D. - The boss. He wasn't much of a character, and we all made fun of him for his pastel suits and wingtips left over from the go-go 80's, and also for his dead-end job. (Of course we were all moving on to Bigger Things.) In retrospect, we were right to make fun of him for his pastel suits (teal? seriously Billy?), wrong to mock him for his career. Live and learn.

Roland the Weed-Dealing Temp - I know it's cliche, but seriously, I can't make this stuff up. Since he was a temp worker he would come in and work part time. And by that I mean he would plan his weekends and make the interns do his work while he 'surped de web' and did his homework.

Bonus detail:

Coffee was provided, but for people who didn't care for caffeine there was also Sudafed in quantities sufficient to start your own meth lab. I suppose that some people had sinus congestion, but most took it to stay awake and alert in the wee hours of the morning. Nothing more calming than sudafed and large amounts of money moving around.