25 September 2016

You're Doing it Wrong: Trick or Treating

Originally published this on 2 Nov 2015, but since IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN (GET EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN) I'm reposting it. You're welcome(?).

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I guess this is a real thing that happened. A parent posted these around their neighborhood in Philly or its environs.

Someone forwarded it to me so who knows? The internet is full of things that are not true. But it is funny and sparked a discussion amongst the peeps. I mean a discussion beyond the gross helicopter parenting and projected sadness on display in the flyer. (It is hard to decide which part is the most lame. Is the the 'don't exclude anyone part'? Or is the part where you should hand out candy that is gluten free, dairy free, and nut free? Lord have mercy on this poor kid because his parents are failing.)

What is the lamest halloween trick or treat you can put in someone's bag?

This list is a very strong summary of utter garbage. Let's rate them on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being a full size snicker's bar, and 1 being an apple or whatever.
  • Carrot sticks? Go f yourself. (Not Rated)
  • Smarties - Not good but they will do the job. 4 out of 10 wrappers in your pocket.
  • Necco wafers - have only seen these in movies about the apocalypse because they are the last thing left to eat. 1 out of 10 zombies.
  • Lifesavers - Could eat it if you were dying. 2 out of 10 red tongues. 
  • Brach's Lemon Drops - My favorite, except that they ruin your mouth. 8 out of 10 cold sores. 
  • Raisins - You are a troll. 0 out of 10 opportunities to be socially well adjusted.
There were some other options suggested by my friend Eames:
  • Pennies. This was definitely the worst thing I remembered. 0 out of 10 pieces of garbage you rescued from your ashtray, adjusted for inflation.
  • Homemade popcorn ball -  Depends on if it is caramel corn or not. If it is homemade caramel corn then that is actually good. 8 out of 10 pieces of popcorn stuck in your teef. If it is anything but caramel corn then it sucks. 1 out of 10 balls of sadness. 
Hope you had a good halloween. Mine was quiet. I loathe dress up, if you hadn't heard.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This if the funniest post you've written. 9 out of 10 tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. (Read it while drinking hot chocolate with REAL [almond] MILK)

Amy Sears said...

That's a fairly generous rating for popcorn balls. Delicious non-starters as far as mom and dad are concerned, at my house they are the used needle of the trick-or-treating world, functional and generous, but not gonna happen. Anything homemade, opened or wet has to be tossed because it could be laced, contain a sharp object or have bodily fluids on or in it. Or worse, it could have been created by a person who smelled peanuts earlier that day.

bsgarcia said...

"Lord have mercy on this poor kid because his parents are failing"
yes and yes

the self-righteous indignation of this letter is sad beyond recompense