I thought this was fake. It isn't.

Friend forwarded me this little gem:

http://www.eyecandybikinibar.com/

I use the word 'gem' very loosely. It seems like it might be a good business idea (because Hooters hasn't already cornered the market?) but then you take a look at the 'picture gallery' and you know you probably won't be stopping by any time soon. Then you go to the testimonials. And it makes your day:

Eye Candy is a great place to pick up Chicks ever since they opened I have bin getting laid on a regular basis.
-Ed da Silva
8765 gtrsa

My new hangout for sure! Ladies week was great, ladies Saturday night specials and RICH guys. The hot bartenders in bikinis bring in the guys and now with Ladies promos the gals are now coming in...keep up the specials!
-Stella

My new hang out. Good energy and easy on the eyes!
-DAVIDIAN
Irvine, CA

A great place to stop in and meet some friends, have a drink and relax. Great people, fun atmosphere and great owners, I heartily recommend Eye Candy Bikini Bar.
-Stephen Hill
Laguna Niguel, CA

Prevalent use of groove

Decided to go ahead and pay $36 for a year's subscription to Pandora. It really is a good deal, esp. considering you can stream the commercial-free music anywhere with an internet connection and a computer, or anywhere with a wifi connection if you have an ipod touch.* Or if you listen to music all day at work like I do.

So they break up the music into categories and assign definitions and some of them make sense ("four on the floor beats" - perhaps indicating music in 4/4 time?) but some of them are probably the product of some late nights and an abundance of hippie lettuce. My personal favorite is "prevalent use of groove". I want to get it printed on a t-shirt. I want people to say it when they describe me. "That dude, he makes prevalent use of groove." I want people to see me and know it instinctively.

The truth is it doesn't really describe me. I'm not cool like that. But a guy can dream, right?




* Yeah I hate touchscreens and loathe the iphone but the touch is everything that is cool about the iphone without the parts that don't work (i.e. the 'phone'). I was going to get a tablet thing but they are expensive and only 64GB of memory? Seriously? I can get that in an ipod touch. Weakest of sauces.

Online dating fail: Lie if you have to

The Fat Kid is still kicking around over in dating cyberspace. It's a fun distraction if nothing else.

No really great stories lately, but I have come across some good profiles. Here's one that sums up all the fail I've come to enjoy when someone fills out the "Last read" section:

The last book I read was The five love languages, US Weekly, and Twilight.

Translated, that means:
The last book I read was [some bullshit about why I'm single], [some bullshit about why famous people are single], and [teenage fantasy bullshit].

The last book I read was Dune in my list of Last Read books? Because I'm pretty sure it isn't. No wonder you're lonely. Also, I read it in high school. If you're going to throw Twilight in there at least balance it out with something not-awful.

Doing time at Riker's - get your dental issues sorted before you get there

Lil Wayne apparently isn't much for oral hygiene.

But he does has some shiny dental work. Platinum teef, as opposed to a platinum grill.

http://www.slate.com/id/2245622/

Excerpt:

The surgery was reported to have included eight root canals and other work on his gold- and diamond-encrusted teeth, which he claims are worth $150,000.

Lord help me I want to slap this guy in the face

I could give a shit about Tiger Woods. He plays golf, he's good at it, whatever. Rich white people everywhere feel better about themselves because he's sort of almost black and they like him. As a person he's... no idea, because I've never met him. As a media product he's paper thin, heavily controlled, and very well packaged. His highly public transgressions made for hilarious reading over on wwtdd.com, and I confess that I enjoyed that very much.

What the hell is the guy in this video doing? He's a professional announcer. This baglicking sack of mouthfart can't even get the words out after Woods deigned to speak to the media and assembled 'friends'. How about a little perspective? People are dying in wars all over the world. People in Haiti are about to start dying of dysentery and cholera. I'm turning 36 tomorrow. Fuck.

Turning 36, updating the online dating

The Fat Kid is turning 36 tomorrow. I'm ambivalent about it. On the one hand, turning 36. On the other hand, motorcycle. Trying to keep it in perspective. Or something. Motorcycle definitely helps. So does family & friends that care about me. If you're reading this, you're almost certainly one of those people.

In unrelated news I'm still trolling the internet for social opportunities over on match.com. I updated my tagline. It was 'Let's not ruin this moment with words', which I liked. Now it says "I'm eco-friendly in that I like cute girls that are into recycling & yoga", which regular readers may remember as a joke that I used in this space. I re-purposed it because I thought it was funny and it's actually true. Not sure what the talent will think. I'll let you know.

So how has my experience been so far? Well it hasn't been much. Definitely more opportunities than a typical week at work, the gym, and the other gym, so in that regard it's worth the $40. Barely.

Ps. Tiger Woods is a jackass.

Total Domination

Shaun White is kind of annoying in that overexposed, media-product sort of way. But he's also really good at what he does, and this superb essay goes a long way towards explaining why that is compelling entertainment.

Excerpt:

White is the most dominant American athlete at these Olympics. The gap between the Tomato and the other snowboarders is so immense that even a layman can see it. Watching from the bottom of the hill during training runs, it's easy to spot White from far away—before you make out his bib number, his team colors, or even his hair. You just watch for the dot that flies twice as high as the other dots.

I'm on a horse

Almost makes me want to buy some old spice body wash. Almost.

Economics of flying: Lose the weight

I had to sit next to an obese person on a cross-country flight earlier this year. It sucked. He should have bought two seats.

A lot of hot air has been kicked around (presumably by fat people, who are easily over-exerted) because Kevin Smith got booted from a flight for being too big to fit in his seat. (He had bought two seats but was flying standby and they didn't have two seats available - so he knows he doesn't fit in one seat.) An overweight person over on Salon weighs in with a sympathetic viewpoint. Leaving out the parts about being humiliated for being fat, let's examine the economics a bit more closely.

An overweight person buys a ticket. Roughly speaking, a ticket is a contract that gives you a seat on a plane. You know how big it is. You need to fit in it. If you cannot fit in the seat then you can buy two seats. It's not discrimination if you don't fit in the seat. No one is preventing you from flying. Other seats are available for more money; if you can't afford them that's tough luck. It's like buying a car that you don't like because it's cheap. If you're unhappy, buy a nicer car. If you can't afford a nicer car you need to adjust expectations or you're going to be very unhappy.

Also: It's very important to appreciate how much weight a plane can carry, whether it's passengers, mail, sweet Colombian flake, fuel, whatever. All else being equal, it's cheaper for the airline to fly skinny people than fat people. They would never tell you that, but they would looooove it if every flight was full of olympic gymnasts with only carry-ons, because they would save a shitload of money on gas. In other words: grossly overweight people that pay for only one ticket and then spill into your seat are actually driving the cost of your ticket UP at the same time as they are invading your personal space. So if you see someone get bounced off a plane, I don't think it's humiliating, I think I'm saving some money on a future ticket. (That's why you have to pay for luggage now, because airlines are losing money and luggage is heavy and expensive.)

In summary: I'm hungry.

Vegas 1, Spencer 0

A lot can happen in the greater Las Vegas Metro area. I had a good time in Vegas this weekend, but not as much fun as my roommate. Just embrace the before / after / after-after sequence of photos.

I didn't end up on roof of caesar's, but he almost did, because I was ready to punt him up there. It was a very long day, started at 1030 am, drinking beers at a rugby tournament. Did that all day, then had a short break where everyone but me & Spencer got rest. Spencer didn't get any rest because he drank TWO 5 Hour Energy drinks in 25 minutes. That's 600 minutes of energy in 25 minutes. So he was running in circles in the hotel room while I was trying to get some shuteye. Doing jumping jacks, etc. Not kidding. (His liver must be made of adamantium. They should get NASA to study it. I think it could beat up Wolverine. Or China.) Then we went out to dinner and the clubs until 6 AM.

Since I was up at 6 am in the car just one day earlier it was a tough go. Spencer was so cockeyed he rode the whole way home in the trunk of the SUV with the luggage, curled up in the fetal position.

He followed that up with a quiet, introspective afternoon on the couch. It was the Daytona 500 so he put his racing hat on.

Not sure this qualifies as 'huge'

Title of this vid is 'huge sled jump goes wrong'. I think huge is giving it a lot of credit. It's more like 'sled jump goes wrong' or 'sled jump results in guy getting hit in the groinballs'.

That's my roommate at the end of the human chain, getting pummeled by the sledder. If you listen closely you can hear the 'oh crap' just before the sled hits the ramp. Way to hang in and take it on the jumbly bits, buddy.

It's Hard Trance / Techno Anthem MuthaF*ckin FRIDAY over here. If you haven't been following on lamebook (and why would you?) we've been working our way up to it all week. Gotta get through the week somehow. Plus I got a new short-term neighbor in the office next door. Not sure if he's the Hard Trance / Techno Anthem MuthaF*ckin' FRIDAY type, but I expect to find out today. KICK OUT THE JAMS!!! SOMEBODY GET ME A GLOWSTICK!

What I'm not doing this weekend

Going to Vegas this weekend. Won't be doing this. It's too cold for pool parties. So I'll leave my shirt on. Might still wear the hat though.

From the outside looking in

My feelings about creationism have already been covered in this space before. Here's the short version: It's bunk, and there is no 'debate' in the credible scientific community. Evolution is a fact, and until you provide scientific evidence of creationism it will be taught in theology class, along with the other creation myths.

So I find this particularly entertaining:
School's sacking of Christian science teacher divides town in Bible belt

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/feb/10/brand-cross-christian-science-teacher

Sample paragraph:
While the school board would appear to have a commanding case, Freshwater and his supporters managed to persuade a large part of the town, on the edge of the Appalachia region, popularly regarded as culturally backward and home to about three dozen churches and an evangelical university, that the issue is about his religious rights.

It isn't, but you can't expect a zealous Christian to understand that.

VNV Nation is good for you

This is a warmup for Hard Trance / Techno Anthem Friday. Just so you know what we've got on the jukebox. You can hit 'play' and just shrink the window. Track is audio only. Or you can hit play and review my words of wisdom further down the page. Either way.

Froomin, meet Butt

Imagine introducing Frank Butt and Marty Froomin, two members of the SJSU faculty, to one another:

Me: Froomin, Butt
Butt: Froomin
Me: Butt, Froomin
Froomin: Butt

Online dating, but also blogging

The fat kid decided to re-enter cyberspace, look for some social opportunities. (Read: excuses to get out of the house.) I have described it (repeatedly) as a waste of time. It still is, but I've got time to waste. So here we are.

Last time around I expected to get some good results. I didn't, so this time we are setting our sights a little lower. And we're going to make sure to share any good stories in this space.

Yes that is an actual screencap of my profile. Feel free to get on match.com and review it for yourself if you've also got some time to waste.

First things first, age is just a number it's cramping my style. The cutoff for many of my potential matches(late 20's, early 30's) is 35, so my birthday next week is seriously fucking up my program. Looks like I'm going to have to win some hearts and minds. Good thing I'm so g-damn handsome. Must be all those years of clean living. Or something.

The internet delivers: Photos (again)

This is flying around the internet at the speed of the nation's T1 connection, so apologies if you've seen it already.

It's still funny.

Hat tip to Scott for sending it to me.

Now with video!

Someone posted this sweet video:



with the comment: 4:51

in response to this post from me:

In unrelated news, Roger Federer has romped to the final of another major tournament (2010 Australian Open), which gives us an opportunity to revisit one of my all-time favorite authors. This 2006 piece by D. F. Wallace doesn't finish as strongly as it starts, but it's still superb. An example:
----
Anyway, that’s one example of a Federer Moment, and that was merely on TV — and the truth is that TV tennis is to live tennis pretty much as video porn is to the felt reality of human love.
----
Way to plus it, internet!

Was there a football game this weekend?

I decided that this week is going to be better than last week. Even when I get my (probably bad) tax news on Wednesday, it will be a step in the right direction. In an effort to set the proper tone I'm posting pics of my motorcycle. Because motorcycles are awesome, but some are more awesome than others.

Next week it's my birthday week so GET EFFING EXCITED.

Congrats, Saints!

How much is that information worth to you?

I got a fix-it ticket earlier this week for having tinted windows. I've been driving with windows of the same tint for the past 8 years (7 in one car, and 1 in another). Not sure how many cops I've driven past, but it's a lot. I've even been pulled over on other bullshit but not cited (I say bullshit because the cop thought I was a teenager out after curfew and pulled me over because my car was new and didn't have plates installed yet - this also says something about my taste in cars but whatever). So the tinted windows thing is arbitrary and ridiculous. It's not the law that bugs me, it's the arbitrary enforcement, and the fact that I have to get my tint removed, ticket signed off, and then get my windows re-done. So why write a ticket at all? Are you in league with the window tint guys? Or just bored?

That was an added expense I can't afford right now, so in an effort to save some money on gas I drove my motorcycle in to work yesterday.* When I got home I had a $55 ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant. Not in a red zone, because the curb was unmarked. The minimum distance is 15', which I did not know. If I did know I might not have parked my car there, in front of my house, EVERY DAY for the past THREE MONTHS. I'd rather not pay $55 for that information, but the price is fixed. Maybe they can use the money to paint the curb?

Total tickets this week: 2
Total tickets in previous 3 years (put together): 1 (parking ticket in newport - expired meter)



*San Clemente is miserable. It's a shit suburb of nowhere with all the originality and charm of a McDonalds built inside a Starbucks. In that regard it's similar to the other 'bedroom communities' in south county, but it has the added disadvantage of being closer to Camp Pendleton (hooray for bad haircuts and acid-washed jeans) and further from places you might actually want to go (Laguna? Newport?). Never thought I'd suggest that Aliso Viejo was better than anywhere, but it's better than San Clemente, which is pretty much the last word on how bad San Clemente sucks.

Never underestimate the power of fear. Or ignorance.

Actual conversation I just had in the break room with the lady in adjacent office.

Her: I'm glad I don't have a Toyota right now - I used to have one and if I still did I'd be a little nervous.

Me: Why?

Her: It's scary, don't you think? Why are they doing this huge recall if nothing is wrong?

Me: No it isn't. They are doing the recall in response to the fear that was created by the news, not in response to the problem itself. These parts fail at a rate that is statistically insignificant to the point that Toyota cannot determine if a problem even exists, never mind fix it.

Her: Well, it's not an issue for me any more since I drive a Honda now.

Me: Honda uses the same part. [Punches self in face.]

I heart the internet

ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

It's up to you

Terry Pratchett used to be my favorite author. I have read almost all his books (and there are many); he's responsible for fleshing out (pun intended) some of my favorite characters of all time.

He was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease. He has also begun to campaign for the rights of those diagnosed with fatal diseases to die on their own terms. He proposes 'assisted death tribunals', which is a court of arbitration that will decide whether or not you should be allowed to make this kind of decision.

Regardless of how you feel about a person's right to die, Pratchett raises an interesting point. Specifically: very often someone that wants to die is accused of being insane or irrational, and the people providing the 'care' are held up as rational and sane. "He's not in his right mind," they'll say. "He doesn't know what he wants, that's just the dementia talking." Is it really?

This was covered very interestingly in the book The Corrections by J. Franzen. One of the main characters suffers from Parkinson's disease, and as his life falls to pieces he becomes increasingly desperate to bring it to an end. The other characters treat this as a symptom of his dementia, but it's actually a symptom of clarity. Imagine his distress when his 'caregivers' treat his few truly lucid thoughts as insanity.

Why shouldn't you have a right to make a choice about your life? It's yours, after all. If you can take the whole of your relationships into account and you determine that you would rather not deteriorate slowly into dementia then you should be able to manage it however you want.

Make yourself at home

Out sick today. Slept in really late, ate cookies in cereal for lunch*, and was all set to get back to my afternoon nap and guess who beat me to it? It's my fault for leaving my door open so invitingly. At least she didn't chew any more of the buttons off my duvet, although she did bring my shirt into the bed for some company. Not sure if she had a chance to snack on any of the buttons on the shirt. It's one of her vices, buttons.

As I type this she's headed back towards my room again after a brief trip outside to tell the neighbor's dog to pipe down. A girl gets tired barking at the neighbors.




*Homemade chocolate chip cookies in the bottom of a bowl of crispix, if you must know. It's probably better for you than, say, a breakfast burrito, but not as good as a bowl of oatmeal. (Unless you make oatmeal the Irish way, in which case it's more like a bowl of butter with brown sugar and a splash of oats w/ cream on top. If you do make oatmeal this way, why haven't you invited me over for breakfast? )

"Me has this report."

This is why I don't watch the news. Because television is dumb, and television news is, like, dumber.