World Record Wanking Motion

Told you.

Baseball starts today (I think)

I don't much care for baseball. Can't sit through it (too much inactivity), and can't deal with how horrendous the broadcasts and announcers tend to be (with the exception of Vin Scully - even though I have less use for the Dodgers than almost any other franchise except the Yankees and Angels). When Vin finally retires I don't know if I'll ever watch another baseball game again. Fox works really hard to make the game "exciting", to perpetuate the illusion that something is happening. It's a shame, because the pace of the game is what makes it unique.

What I do enjoy is reading about baseball, and sabermetric analysis. Really this is true. No idea why nerds love baseball so hard but it brings out the geek in people. I mean people besides me.

So this article was a nice kickoff to the-part-of-the-year-I-ignore-the-sports-calendar that we will henceforth refer to as "baseball season". It led to this. And then to this interesting summary of historical home runs. And that hitting a baseball is really, really hard.

Not mentioned in any of the analysis: Bud Selig is a milquetoast d-bag. I think it was implied a few places but not stated explicitly.

In related baseball news, I think we need more guys throwing the eephus. Seriously. I heart the eephus. RJ is throwing for the Giants now and he's got it in his arsenal. Wakefield throws the eephus and the knuckler, and it works for him.

Photo courtesy flickr and the wonderfully-named Waldo Jaquith.

Keeping it Real

I'm kicking around the idea of changing the motto here at GJAW. But I don't have anything better for now and I need something that speaks to me in a meaningful way. And I'm lazy. Mostly lazy.

What's new here? Not much. Some kid put a dick on the roof of his parents mansion and then it made international news. It makes news here because it rules. I was further pleased when I read that his dad was leaving it until the kid gets back from his gap year in Brazil. Brilliant.

Not much else to report. I have a backlog of good photos to share so I'll be working through those. I've been busy and not felt like doing any internetting when I get done at work so the posts are piling up. Metaphorically speaking.

My friends Jason & Heleana gave me an itunes gift certificate for my birthday last month. I mention it here because that gift started what can only be described as a binge of music buying. I'm no big fan of apple but itunes does enable me to buy music that I would never buy otherwise. Taylor Swift? check. Kelly Clarkson? check. Kanye West? check. check. I'd be embarrassed by it but whatever. Pop music is a quesadilla: cheesy as hell but hard to resist.

Are they playing any college basketball games this weekend? I can't remember...

Allow me to retort

Got some feedback on the frat-dick post. (Scroll down and scan for douchebaggery - you can't miss it.)

My responses are embedded below...

1) Your friends are dead ringers - i'm mean DEAD RINGERS - for the ADPi's at cal
The ADPis at UCSB were pretty strong when I left college, but not as good as they were when I got there. Their heyday was the early- to mid-90's. The girls in the photo are definitely not on par with the rest of the house - makes sense if you consider that I'm in it too.

2) you smoked? is that weed?
Apparently so because it seemed to go with the costume and haircut, and no, it's a cigarette. Here's a shot of me lighting up in a Paris cafe several years later. When in Rome, &tc.

3) i find myself torn between feelings of revulsion and unwavering adulation. your commitment is veering me towards unwavering adulation.
Even if you're repulsed (as I am) you have to appreciate the commitment to the enterprise (as I do).

Can I get that beatdown supreme with a side of humiliation? Thanks.

Yikes what a week for the fat kid. I got miserably sick and then had that competition. I guess all the training and nutrition issues and stress contributed to the illness because I was miserable on competition day. Definitely not ideal.

In the end it wouldn't have mattered because I was overmatched and outclassed in my first match. Good draw for my competitor, bad draw for me. I got ezekiel choked in 45 seconds. Actual order of maneuvers looked like a jiu-jistu clinic, practiced on me:

1. Hip throw to side control.
2. Full mount
3. Ezekiel choke and done dishes. The ezekiel choke is interesting in that it's an attrition choke, not a constriction choke. The difference is that in an attrition choke you tap because it hurts, instead of because you black out. I had a wicked bad sore throat so that made it hurt even worse, which added insult to injury.

So that sucked. Good learning experience and better to compete and lose than not compete and so forth and so on. I wish I had done some actual jiu-jitsu instead of just flail around, but it's too late now. I'll do better next time. (Can't do much worse.)

On the upside, my team placed third. The first two teams were from super-huge BJJ academies, literally 10x-20x the size of my school. And then there was us. So that was superb.

Dating Red Flags - recycled

I have done some posts on dating red flags, and because clicking through is cool only when you're trying to make some money, here's the full compiled list. I list it here not necessarily because I have any new ones (I don't), but because I wanted to share some stories about online dating, which I decided to try because I was bored. On reflection, if I had consulted my own blog for dating tips I might have done a bit better. But what fun would that be?

Dating Red Flags( i.e. avoid the following):

• Girl is on more than one type of medication - that includes self-medication, like booze, caffeine, and nicotine. For example, if a girl takes paxil, that's okay. If a girl drinks, takes paxil, and also smokes, that's a red flag.
  
• an inability to compromise - there's a joke here about dating miss right vs. dating miss always right, but its been done.
  
• spending too much time on your myspace/facebook page - this might be very similar to "spending too much time on a blog", but I don't think so. if your myspace page has a sweet custom layout and lots of scrolling pictures and you update it every day and post bulletins for all your friends to read then you should get out more. You're probably a really cool person (look how cool your myspace page is!).
• an open sore on her face - I went on a first date with a girl and she had a "cold sore". she should have had the good sense to reschedule, put her best foot forward, etc. she had some issues she was working through, no doubt about that. I found out later that she was a lesbian. (really)
  
• a girl that takes more than an hour to get ready - if you can't take a shower, get your hair sorted, get dressed, and get your makeup on in sixty minutes or less then we can't hang out. The problem with a girl that takes a really long time to get ready is that she probably...
• looks super weathered in the AM - if you look really rugged first thing in the morning then that's a Red Flag for sure. if a girl looks cute w/ her makeup all smeared and her hair all over the place, then she's a keeper. side note: close friend was telling me about his crazy roommate, and saying she meets guys on myspace and she's constantly meeting new guys and they only last for 2 weeks, and then they bounce. I said yeah for sure, she's cuter in pictures than in person. He says, no, it's not that; they bounce after they stay the night and see her the morning after. ohhh, snap!
  
• girl that doesn't work out - trust me honey, it'll catch up with you someday. and by then it'll be too late, b/c it's much, much harder to lose weight than it is to stay in shape.
  
• girl that doesn't eat - please, eat something.
  
• girl that has a miniature dog she treats like a child - you, as the new guy, will be competing for the dog's attention. forever. you're better off dating a girl that has a kid. note: if the girl has a full-sized dog then it's okay. you can take the dog for walks, hang out, etc. it's the toy dogs, and their owners, you need to avoid.
  
• girl that thinks cosmo is gospel, and/or that thinks she is "just like" a character on Sex and the City - Cosmo is full of lies from the pit of hell, and it's just crazy to think that you are someone on TV. I think I stopped dreaming about being someone on TV when Knight Rider went off the air in 1986. I was 12.

No means yes

Remember that one time*, in college, when we had that 80's prom theme party with A-D-PI (or however the hell you say it) and you dyed your hair and rented a chocolate brown tux w/ matching shirt and generally maximized your frat-dick potential? No? Well fuck you, because I have a picture of it right here.

(Thanks to Jay for putting this on facebook and tagging it.)


* "That one time" means, roughly, 1994-1997ish. With occasional (frequent?) lapses from then until, umm, now.

Has it been a week already?

Many congratulations to my people that worked hard on the World Baseball Classic. It's hard to travel all over the western hemisphere and put events together, especially when your big boss is a milquetoast boob. The game itself was actually not terrible, although I was compelled to remind my friend (attending the game) that although the Asian players hit like my sister, they are wonderful to watch in the field. And they hustle on every play. Now that Manny has a fat contract you won't see that kind of consistent effort in Dodger Stadium for the rest of the year.

The key quote from last nights Selig interview in the booth during the WBC finals was Selig throwing the following into the conversation, "Well, I think everything Jeter does is extraordinary." Can you imagine David Stern saying something like that about Kobe Bryant? No you can't, because Stern is a CEO, not a starry-eyed sycophant. I guess throwing your teammates under the bus and being a below-average fielder at your position is "extraordinary". Every time Jeter takes a shit? Extraordinary. Breaks my heart with that little minx Minka Kelley? Phenomenal. Grounds out weakly to first? Amazing. Being the second-best shortstop on your own team and still playing shortstop? You're like a God to me. You and Scott Brosius and Paul O'Neill are the holy trinity of True Yankee Douchebaggery.

In other baseball news, Curt Schilling retired. He doesn't display a very nuanced understanding of baseball statistics (any discussion that starts with win/loss record and all star appearances is, by definition, a sign of ignorance) but he was a very good pitcher and he always played hard. Full credit to him - hopefully we won't hear from him for another 5 years.

No idea where I got that photo of Minka. Somewhere on the internets. It's from when I was still using photos uncredited. Shame on me. I didn't want to use it again but she's so cute I can't stand it. (awkward?)

Having a Field (Notes) Day

Ordered my new Field Notes in a strong, strong 'butcher orange' color back in February, then forgot to check the mailbox at work for the next 6 weeks. So I didn't get them until today. I had thought I ordered them, but couldn't remember if the website was working and figured that I had tried but it didn't work out b/c it was too busy and something or other.

February was a busy month for the fat kid. I had a birthday, and, ummm, a bunch of other stuff happened. Maybe if I had my Field Notes I could have written it all down. Maybe. Mostly I use them for (bad) song lyrics and notes on chord patterns and guitar practice. And workouts. And shopping lists. Also v. handy at the bookstore and the grocery. Or on Amazon. Or itunes. Or a sketchbook, if you're into that.

The pen and pencil were a bonus gift. The duck is a desk ornament gift from several years go that my boss gave me. It's good luck. Coudal Partners static cling logo was lurking in there too.

Anyway, I've got extra notebooks, so if this is the kind of thing you might like let me know and I'll put one in an envelope for you, strictly on a trial basis. If you're keen maybe I'll pick you up a little something for Christmas.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Enough science, let's drink some beers

I don't know what it is about today that makes me want to drink 17 Smithwicks, give lots of people hugs, and sloppily kiss a girl (or two) at the bar. And then pass out at 8. Preferably at home.

Just seeing that google doodle (kudos and credits to the contest winner Evan O'Sullivan Glynn) makes me thirsty. Smithwicks (pronounced "SMITH-icks", without the 'w') is the St. Patrick's day beer of choice because it's a great "session" beer. That is, it's a great beer for when you're planning on having a drinking session, as opposed to just one or two before it's your bedtime. Don't order Guinness; that's for posers. Harp is an acceptable alternative if you can't get Smithwicks.

(Un)Fortunately I'm both gainfully employed and on the program until after Friday, 27 March. Regular readers will remember that as the day I am scheduled to get my ass kicked for the not-inexpensive price of $82. I was offered a generous reduced rate on the ass-kicking from a friend of mine who, coincidentally, is probably enjoying some of Boston's finest pubs and very, very mediocre-looking girls even as I type this.

Midweek St. Patrick's day is cramping my style a little bit. It needs to be on a Thursday or Friday every year. And if the International Brazilian Jiu Jitsu federation could get me a special St. Patrick's day waiver on the weight limit that would be even more helpful. Either that or move the competition back a week, give me more time to train. And by "train" I mean "recover".

I heart predatory sea creatures

They discovered a fossil of a huge predatory sea creature in Norway. (It's cold up there so I hope it had a sweater on.)

My favorite thing about the discovery of these creatures is that it highlights how much we don't know about life as it existed before humans arrived. We plod along and try to piece the puzzle together but the truth is we can only guess, we can't really know. On the upside we get some really cool "artistic renderings" but those have only slightly more scientific value than the drawing that you see here. The guy that drew the fancy one over on the Guardian is definitely a more qualified artist, but we have both seen exactly as many living pliosaurs as you have: zero. Just sayin'.

I'm fond of my own rendering. He's having a Galapagos tortoise for a snack. Grrrrrrr...

Special bonus: the fossil-hunters called in the wonderfully named Dr. Frank Fish, who is an expert on the biomechanics of cetacean flippers. And his last name is Fish. And he's an expert on fish. Hello? Is this thing on?

Why are you picking on me? (yay for puns!)

When the ex and I quit talking back in December I got rid of everything that reminded me of her. Didn't matter what it was, how useful or expensive it might have been, whatever.

It didn't take long because I'm not much for keepsakes anyway. And it made me feel a little better at the time.

Fast-forward 3 months, and I was surprised to realize that the only thing left was a fragile pattern of my guitar pics she had put together in about 30 seconds while she was waiting for me one day. (Not sure why I didn't make the connection before now.) In the many months since she did it it I have carefully kept them as they were, long after the purge, even avoiding dusting around them so that they remained undisturbed. That changed earlier this week, but before I moved them I took a picture of the arrangement because it was all that was left of her.

In December it felt kind of good to throw everything out.
Putting these away just made me sad.

Metal Rules

Found this on filmdrunk. And I'm excited.

In other news, always knock or ring the doorbell before you walk in someone's house. If you're reading this you probably don't need to be told these kinds of things, because you're NOT the dumbass that walked into my house 20 minutes ago and asked if they were in the right place. No fucko, you're not, because you're in my living room, and you should be on my porch. It's not really their fault - the roommate they were here to see should have taken care of it. My fault for not being very welcoming. And their fault for not ringing the doorbell and announcing themselves when they walked in. Who walks in someone's house without knocking? Besides the clown that was just here, I mean. Idiots.

Narcissism is the new modesty

Allow me to paint you a picture with words...

I gave myself a haircut a couple weeks ago. Now my hair is longer than it's been for several years (except on the sides), and I'm thinking it's really come into it's own the last couple days. I knew when I gave myself the fro-hawk / pseudo-mulleted haircut last month that it would take a while for it to really develop, although at the time several people asked questions like, "why did you do that to your hair?" and "did you lose a bet?" Fuck that noise people: The Hair's time has come.

Today it means business (on the sides) and funemployment (on the top and back). For those of you that can't remember what it looks like, I have a mess of wavy unmanageable afro-ness that's a brownish, reddish color. It's a fucking disaster and so impossible to keep in order that I haven't owned a hairbrush for over a decade (actually true). I have two hairstyle options: crew cut, or whatever the hair wants to do. There is no intermediate stage. This most recent style is a combination of BOTH my two styling options: crew cut on the sides, whatever the hair wants in the middle. AMAZING.

I know I don't have a picture. I'll get one. I promise. Instead you get the lovebirds again. They came back yesterday so I thought I'd share. They were going to be in post about dating but I'll get something from the failblog instead. It's more appropriate.

Moar Fast

yessssssssssssss...

Nice effort

This from the 'hot clicks' section of SI.com. I can't be bothered to link there because it's just a link dump and not worth the effort. They do have the occasional good video, which is where I found this little gem. I like how the guy goes from obnoxiously celebrating his teams victory (dry humping himself) to dry humping the announcer. There's a lesson in there about sports as modern escapism, and how he associates himself with the team. Or something. Hey look, he's dry humping the announcer!

This is good, right up until the part where Reggie Miller starts talking

Chris Paul is super good at basketball. He's also got a mean streak, so don't cross him. I wish he would make time for a Julius Hodge-type effort on Reggie Miller. That guy sucks at life, and he's so bad at announcing I think they keep him around because they know he can't get another job. It's a tough market right now. Not a lot of demand for brain dead imbeciles in tv announcing. Wait, what?

It's a three-fer!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Tried to embed the video, but it might not work. You can go here if it lets me down.

Nice reporting. Kudos to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show. And Matt (yeah we're on a first name basis) at his tv blog.

In unrelated news, I traveled this week. While at the airport waiting for my (delayed) flight, I decided that the following is the full list of occasions when it is appropriate to wear sweats on an airplane:
a. You are a stripper on your way to/from work in Las Vegas.
2. You are eleventeen, and are also carrying your pillow and teddy bear.
d. Never.

------------------------------------------
In response to some questions about my post on getting my ass kicked in public on 28 March, my target weight class is "medio", or middleweight. 181 lbs, including the gi. The problem is that the gi is HEAVY, so much so that companies actually make 'light' versions that weigh about 4 lbs. Right now I'm about 4 lbs over the limit (gi included).

Also: the weigh-in takes place the day of the competition. You weigh in when you register, then proceed to the warm-up area and wait. You cannot cut a couple pounds of water weight for the weigh-in.

Pay $80 to get my ass kicked? YES!

The fat kid is on the program. I have to make the weight limit for the novice level Pan American Jiu Jitsu competition. I don't really have to cut much weight, as I'm already right on the edge. All I have to do is make sure I've got some cushion so that when it comes time to weigh in on 28 March I don't have to worry about it. Also, this is the first time in my life I've ever paid any attention to how much I weigh. Yay for measuring yourself against numbers on a scale. And getting your ass kicked in a organized, public event. My goal for the competition: make the other guy work hard before he taps me out. Super!

I heart the airport

I sent a friend a txt msg yesterday that I'd like to reproduce for you here in its entirety:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

the airport is rad. so so so so so so so rad. so. rad.
so.



rad.









i mean it.

Hard not to have a crush on him... he was so sexy!

I enjoyed this little slice of brilliance from Maira Kalman.

Today is link day

Yay for links in abundance.

And photos of mustachioed sex machines with non gender-specific names that rhyme with 'hair'.

3... 2... 1... cue the time wasters!

http://www.youshouldhaveseenthis.com/

They disappear after you click them, so they're GONE FOREVER. (Unless you delete your history.)

Also this:
http://fuckyeahsharks.tumblr.com/

Personal favorite: http://fuckyeahsharks.tumblr.com/post/78291440

FYS borrows it's style heavily from realultimatepower.net, but that's okay because RUP remains one of the funniest things I've seen anywhere, ever. So it's a good starting point for pretty much anything, like the space program.

And finally, all your favorite animal videos in one place:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/pda/2009/feb/27/1

Enjoy.

The first time I've seen it

Sony Bravia | Play-Doh
by YforYerom

This advertisement has been kicking around for a couple years but it's the first I've seen it.
Excellent use of a Rolling Stones song, btw.

I'm giving up booze for lent, and by "lent" I mean "until St. Patrick's Day"

I'm not very religious but I think it's a good exercise in discipline to give up a vice every year. Booze is an obvious choice in that it's good for me to take a break but it's not tooooooo challenging (unlike giving up swearing and buying shit, which both sucked). What's the point of giving something up if it's too much work? F that noise. Could do sweets, but that would be brutally hard. The fat kid loooooves him some dessert. Loves. A lot.

So, for this year, it's booze. At least until St. Patricks Day. After that we'll see how it goes. I don't want to overcommit.

Image courtesy someecards, the best ecard website ever in the history of free shit you can send your friends. Ever.

Clearing up the backlog, part V

I've got a couple lovebirds (pun intended) getting their house in order a bit early for springtime. They like to look at themselves in the reflective glass window in my office. If I had to guess I'd say they must be married given the way that they carry on (if you know what I mean, and I think you do).

It's nice to have some company at the office. As I type this they're back in their usual spot, just keeping an eye on things.

Car Worship

Love the Beast - trailer to Eric Bana's new film - as seen on Sunrise @ Yahoo!7 Video

This could be an unbearably cheesy and bad movie about a car, or it could be an interesting meditation on cars, friendship, and constants in our lives that give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Either way, really.

Clearing up the backlog, part IV / "Ballroom Dance" spelled backwards is "aslaS dna abmuR"

I've got a stack of good images on my desktop but no good jokes in my brain. Oh well. Today you're going to have to imagine yourself some funny. Or mean. Knowing me it's probably mean/funny. (mean-funny?) In any case, here's a neat photo of the pavement artist Edgar Muller at work, along with some of his work all bundled together in a short album. I really liked the one he did with the cars and lava; click through for that.

Photo courtesy Edgar Müller/Rex Features / via the guardian.co.uk
------------------

In Ballroom Dance news: the lessons continue. I can now officially dance Salsa, Rumba, and Meringue as long as you don't expect much. In a pinch I can lead a girl around the floor in a waltz, but I wouldn't do it unless I had to. And it would look like hell unless she was really good.

My salsa dancing was recently upgraded from "what are you doing?" to "I've seen worse", so I'm feeling pretty good about that (seriously). The blue haired ladies at my dance studio fairly swoon when I glide across the floor.* Coming up in future lessons: Swing (which I was not an early fan of) and maybe some Tango, just for kicks. [see what I did there?]

Actual conversation w/ a (married) instructor during a class:

Her: Why did you decide to take dance lessons?
me: Learn something new, maybe meet some new people.
her: Girls love a guy that can dance.
me: Really? Hmm... Do you know any?
her: [laughs]
me: [tries to laugh, didn't realize I had made a joke.]

I'll keep you posted. Also, I'll do some more work on clearing the backlog. Get excited.

* Kidding. Kind of.

You get what you pay for

Lots of hot air being blown around about the outsourcing of graphic design. As someone who knows the difference between computer skills and graphic design skills (I've got plenty of the former, very little of the latter) I can see why graphic designers would be upset about the general degradation of their profession. Any jackass with a bittorrent version of CS4 thinks they can be a graphic designer.

Somebody decided to try out one of the logo factories (50dollarlogo.com - no link b/c the website crashes Firefox) and see what kind of results he could get. Hmmm... not so much.

"Race Car" spelled backwards is "raC ecaR"

Finally back to 100% after a quiet, introspective evening of birthday celebration with my peeps. (If you were there and remember what happened please call me.)

A good friend of mine took me to the NASCAR auto race on Sunday. That's a photo from my seat above pit road. The grandstands off in the distance? That's where most of the crowds are; I avoided them.

In unrelated news, there's moar good stuff to read in cyberspace. This from the Warming Glow manifesto:

Notice I put industry news last. I’m going to try to focus on subjects that are remotely interesting, which is also why I won’t be writing up “Gossip Girl” recaps. Oh, I’m sorry — do you watch “Gossip Girl”? I didn’t mean to offend you, Single Woman in Her Late 20s. I’ll let you get back to your cats.

Yay for birthdays

It's great to hear from people on your birthday, but it's a bummer turning 35. Whatever to that, though. It's a good thing I charged my phone because it's been (almost) annoying how many times it rang today. Makes me feel special. I'm rich in friendship, and that's about as good as it gets until you have kids.*

In honor of my birthday, a coarse joke forwarded to me by a friend. I've tried to clean it up a little because my readership varies in taste, but it's my birthday. And I'm 35 going on 14, so dick jokes are still funny.

Love you.


* I'm actually not sold on the idea that kids are better, but people I trust tell me that they are the best thing ever. Your brain re-wires itself to make it FEEL like they're the best thing ever, but I'd suggest it's only your OWN kids that are the best thing ever, and that might be a necessary evolutionary event. Because if they weren't the best thing ever you would never put up with all their shit. And if other people's kids were the best thing ever then adoption rates would be a LOT higher. But that's me.

'A' for effort, 'D' for execution

Tomorrow is my birthday, and the New York Times must have heard about it, because today they gave me this. I love the idea that students think they should be graded based on their effort. That's like saying you should always be happy with your haircut because your stylist tried really hard. There are so many other good analogies for this I can't count them all: your mechanic worked hard but your car isn't fixed - pay him the full rate. Your electrician worked really hard but your lights don't work. Pay him the full rate. Your doctor gave maximum effort but you died. Tough luck for you, he gets an 'A'!

Mmm... Let's dive in...

“I tell my classes that if they just do what they are supposed to do and meet the standard requirements, that they will earn a C,” [Professor Marshall Grossman] said. “That is the default grade. They see the default grade as an A.”

Sounds good so far. If you meet the minimum requirements you get an average grade.

A recent study by researchers at the University of California, Irvine, found that a third of students surveyed said that they expected B’s just for attending lectures, and 40 percent said they deserved a B for completing the required reading.

What? Seriously? A "B" just for showing up?

Jason Greenwood, a senior dumbass / poor bastard whose remarks may have been taken out of context kinesiology major at the University of Maryland echoed that view.

“I think putting in a lot of effort should merit a high grade,” Mr. Greenwood said. “What else is there really than the effort that you put in?”

Well, besides the "effort", there's a little something I like to call "quality of work". That's all you can put in that you can legitimately measure, because effort is intangible. Do the work, and your work is evaluated, and that's your grade. If you work really hard hopefully your work is good enough. Sometimes it isn't. That's life. Unless you're Jason Greenwood, or some other similarly misguided dipshit.

“If you put in all the effort you have and get a C, what is the point?” he added. “If someone goes to every class and reads every chapter in the book and does everything the teacher asks of them and more, then they should be getting an A like their effort deserves. If your maximum effort can only be average in a teacher’s mind, then something is wrong.”

Yes, something is wrong. What's wrong is that YOUR WORK IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOU BRAINDEAD IMBECILE. Hard work does not deserve an A. Good work deserves an A. See my comment in the first paragraph re: what a moron you are haircuts.

Mmm... happy birthday to me. I mean it.

Image courtesy and copyright Monica Almeida / New York Times. Don't know if Monica meant for me to add the callouts. Might have taken some artistic license there. Just wanted to highlight UCI's ethnically diverse student body. God that place sucks. Not because of the student body, but because there's no bars you can walk to.

I love it when someone else does the heavy lifting

It's all rainbows and unicorns over here. Fortunately I have a crack team of contributors / readers on this space and sometimes they send me stuff that I can post instead of doing it for myself. It's a little late but still funny if you're into that sort of thing.

I already wrote a short essay on why USA Swimming is a joke. Let me summarize it here: blah blah eat shit blah blah blah. Got all that? Good.
Enjoy.

it's my birthday, what do you mean you can't make it?

Having a big do for my birthday this weekend and my friend said she couldn't make it - she has to work. Weak, I said. What, you have to do 'styling' for the Oscars? For who, exactly? Oh. Right. I can see why you might be busy. Well, umm, you can make it up to me later. Or something. I've got some movie stills that maybe she could autograph? No? my bad. (it's my birthday?)

Today's images courtesy
http://wellmedicated.com/lists/40-gorgeous-vintage-tobacco-advertisements/

http://wellmedicated.com/lists/inspiration/50-inspiring-vintage-advertisements/

Did we have valentine's day? I can't remember.

I wish I had some good news

It's dumb and bummer over here so I haven't had a whole lot to share.
I remain an international financier (via Kiva) so here's a recent update from the person I loaned money to:

Liliane Sagbohan is not sure by how much her revenue has increased, but she is sure that it has improved over the past 3 years since she started receiving loans. Liliane sells many different products -- couscous, coffee, oil, and mayonnaise, just to mention a few. She has sold for over 11 years, and before that she was a hairstylist. She uses her revenues to care for her children and herself, and to continue to replenish her stocks. In the future, she would like to have a nicer shop.

I hate to complain about the quality of an update from a person I'll never meet in a country I've never heard of, but "before that she was hairstylist"? Come on people. At least they managed to let me know that she uses her revenues to care for her children. That's something. And the loan is improving her quality of life.

In unrelated news, the photo illustration comes from tebe_interesno. I have no idea what that means, but he's from Moscow, Russia and you might enjoy his portfolio, or a collection of his work on toxel.

I already ordered mine

Jabo0odyDubs (sp?) knows funny.
Audio NSFW, but essential.
I found it on filmdrunk.

Dear USA Swimming: Shut Up

The kerfluffle surrounding Michael "100% More Epic Bong Rips" Phelps continues, this time with the announcement that Kelloggs is letting him go and USA swimming is suspending him for 3 months. 3... 2... 1... Cue the bullshit:

"This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero," the Colorado Springs-based federation said in a statement.

Thanks, USA Swimming. Allow me to retort:

1. Three months is not a strong message. 3 months is a hiccup, a slap on the wrist, a gesture, and it's still too much. 2 years is a strong message. That's what you get when you actually break the rules in competitive swimming (which he did not - he allegedly smoked weed).

2. Please let's not bullshit around with this "we're doing it for the children" nonsense. Did you check with the "hundreds of thousands" of disappointed kids before you decided how to punish Phelps? Did they recommend grounding him, taking away his cellphone, or confiscating his xbox? You are doing this for the parents of those kids. Because you are pussies without the courage to shrug your shoulders and say, meh, he made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Let's move on.

3. Phelps is still a role model you idiotic shitbricks. If you can find someone else that can punish himself for years (literally: years) on end in a swimming pool and then respond to soul-crushingly miserable pressure and scrutiny by dominating the world to the point where he wins more gold medals than MOST COUNTRIES and then follows it up by doing some bong hits then please do so. We need more people like that in the world. What we don't need: sanctimonious, self-righteous twats that judge those people for how they spend their leisure time. You are assclowns. Get over yourselves.

PS. I'm boycotting Kelloggs until they sign Phelps again. You think weed-smoking college kids don't live on cereal? You're idiots.

Olympic-class bong rips

Lots of fuss in the news about the Photo of M. Phelps taking bong rips. I feel bad that someone took a picture of it and now he's getting so much attention. If a guy wins 8 gold medals and can't take a time out to relax a little then eventually he'll just have a meltdown. Imagine if you were a college age person and every time you took a bong hit there was a media firestorm. That would suck. I did appreciate the article on slate that explained how his epic bong rips are approximately 100% more epic than the average persons. Awwwwwwwwwwwsome, bro.

In unrelated news the 110 year old "lizard like creature" got his mojo back after they removed a cancerous tumor from his junk. That's him taking a cooling bath, presumably after he took care of business. Superb.

Just in time for the 'big game': epic douchebaggery

I cribbed this picture to whet your appetite. You'll have to go to the source for the full breakdown. Enjoy.

There's no question that this guy refers to the team as "we", as in, "we really need to stop Larry Fitzgerald". So he's practically on the team. Heck, he's more on the team than the guys on the team because they might leave or retire or get a life but he's bought all the merchandise and goes to the games and has a tattoo. He's not a fan, he's a FANATIC.
FUCK YEAH! [crushes beer can on head]

Yay for life skills: ballroom dancing

The Fat Kid is taking ballroom dancing lessons. They are expensive but it's fun and challenging and I think it will help balance out my other hobbies, which include weightlifting, playing guitar, and rolling around with sweaty guys in my pajamas (not shirtless, if you must know). Some observations after my first class and lesson:

- Total number of men in my first class (excluding the instructor) that were within +/- 5 years of my age: zero

- Total number of men that were AT LEAST 25 years or older than me (expressed as a percentage): 100; a couple of the old cats were pretty smooth on the dancefloor, though, so I tried to copy them.

- Number of women (excluding instructor) that were within +5 years of my age: 2; the rest of the ladies were on par with the men in terms of age. Imagine dancing with your grandmother at a wedding and that's more or less how I learned my first waltz steps.

- I'm pretty sure that some of the ladies loosened up with a couple glasses of wine before the class. They were not shy. It's great to be the only thirty-something guy, except when it's not.

I think the prohibitive cost keeps the late 20's / early 30's girls away. That and the fact that any girl with some sense can get a guy to teach her to dance for free. Which is going to be my move as soon as I learn some steps. hotness!

Sweet sweetness - using networks to create something extraordinary

This via slate.com.

The demo seemed magical, conjuring a whole new way of collecting the thousands of photos that each of us now produce during our lifetimes: Imagine being able to review your Grand Canyon vacation not as a static slide show but as a tour of the 3-D environment produced by your and everyone else's pictures. "This takes data from the entire collective memory of what the earth looks like," Aguera y Arcas told the crowd. "All of those photos become linked together, and they make something emergent—greater than the sum of their parts."

I'd make a nerd boner joke here but I don't want anyone to get in trouble at work. Just know that I'm a nerd. And my boner is set to "emergent".

Also - TED talks is bitchin way to kill a few minutes if you want to learn something new. I think I've mentioned it here before, but here are some of my favorites again:

Malcolm Gladwell
William J. Clinton
Richard Dawkins

Thanks for reading.

Snopes.com is your friend

I have friends that do all kinds of awesome stuff, like get blackout drunk and fall down. I don't make fun of them in these pages (much) because we've all been there. Throwing stones in glass houses and all that. What I will make fun of is when they forward me chain mails from other idiots and don't bother to go to snopes.com to figure out if maybe they are being fed some bullshit. As in this forward I got from Orange County's Most Eligible Bachelor today:

From: An Idiot (not the OC's MEB - someone else sent it to him)
Sent: Tuesday, January 27, 2009 10:52 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Reminder Cell Phone Numbers Go Public Today!

  Heads up  REMEMBER: Cell Phone Numbers Go Public today

>  REMINDER... all cell phone numbers are being released to

> telemarketing  companies tomorrow and you will start to

> receive sale calls.  .... YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE

> CALLS  To prevent this, call the following number from your

> cell phone:  888-382-1222.  It is the National DO NOT CALL

> list. It will only take a minute of your  time. It blocks

> your number for five (5) years. You must call from the

> cell  phone number you want

 to have blocked. You cannot

> call from a different  phone number.  

I have a computer that talks to other computers through a cable in the wall, so I checked with the redoubtable snopes.com, and guess what? It's a hoax. Like all good lies there are some correct facts in there, but it's still a hoax. I alerted my friend, sent him the link. He responded:

"I just called the number bumbler. It was legit."

Hold the phone. Let's review:
In one corner, you've got a chain mail that someone forwarded to you.

In the other corner, you've got a loooong explanation from Snopes, backed up by referenced media and a link to the FCC website.

I wouldn't know who to believe, either. I mean come on, it has a number so it must be legit! Right? Anyone? [Is this thing on?]

Did you miss me?

It's been a while since we last visited. I've been busy but not busy with anything that is fun or interesting (to anyone but me). No good stories or funny happenings.

One of the trip participants posted some more pictures of the build we did a couple weekends ago. She captured the general feeling of elation and accomplishment you feel after finishing a tough project. At this point we are waiting for the other build team (there were two groups of us) to finish their house so we can get in the car and go home. We couldn't do anything to help b/c they didn't have any more tools. They had more people than we did, but we had the benefit of a more experienced crew. Left to right in the photo: Spencer, the doosh, Sam, and Matt.

In unrelated news, the fat kid (me) is mixing some ballroom dance lessons into his weekly activities. Gets me out of the house, anyway.

If you build it they will come

Spent the weekend building a house in TJ for a needy family. It went well.

Some people were giving me a hard time about my suspenders / cowboy hat fashion statement. Both are standard equipment on framing jobs, although most companies make you wear a hard hat now. The hat keeps the sun off, and the suspenders keep your tool belt from falling down. I thought more critics would notice my homage to Michael Jackson with the one glove. Sexxxy!

Pete Carroll: Pure class all the way

Pete Carroll is a rah rah coach perfectly suited to the college game. He failed in the NFL because that rah rah shit doesn't cut it at the pro level and he wasn't innovative / didn't adapt well from week to week with his offensive and defensive play calling. He's also a petulant dick when someone disagrees with him. He's not alone in that, but it would be a lot better for his image if he didn't do it at press conferences for his star players.

24 Hours of Le Mans - Truth in 24

NFL films is awesome because they still shoot on film, not digital. It's expensive and it's a hassle, but the images and results are worth the effort. They were asked by Audi to shoot last year's Le Mans auto race. They made a movie about it. It looks awesome.

Trailer isn't on youtube yet so you'll have to go to the website. Already put 20 March on my calendar.

Any stirring in my loins during the 30 second trailer was purely coincidental, and has nothing to do with the sweet video plus soundtrack of race noises blended with techno instrumental. grrrrrr!

Hollywood is a joke part MCMXVIII

Apparently fight movies are all the rage right now. The fight scenes in these movies are beyond ridiculous. All fights in movies are fake; gunfights in particular are absurd. But it's hard to find decent footage of actual gunfights on the internet. On the other hand, there's no shortage of quality videos of MMA fights. So you can compare what they're showing you in the movies to, you know, the genuine article. Which is nice if things like "facts" and "authenticity" appeal to you.

Here's the thing: Punches rarely land flush in most fights. When they do, if a huge guy (or even a small guy) punches you on the chin you will get knocked out and might not wake up for several minutes. In Hollywoodland it only makes you more angry (grrrrrrrrr!).

Also: You don't fight better after you've been stunned. You fight worse. And a good fighter doesn't knock you on the ground and then stand there to admire his handywork. He knocks you on the ground and then he gets on top of you and beats the shit out of you.

Dork Practice

My friend Sebastian was already featured here during his west coast tour (Vegas and the OC). For reasons best left unexplained the majority of the photos from that visit didn't make it onto Facebook. He was kind enough to post photos from his 'ski trip' in New Zealand. No word if he did any actual skiing. I tend to doubt it.

The top photo was the first one I saw, and it took me a few seconds to find him. That guy in the shirt that's 3 sizes too small, with the wig? Yeah, that's him.

Dad Practice

Spent some time at my peeps house over the weekend and got to visit with his kids. I call it Dad Practice. I like other people's kids because they have to do all the hard work and I get to hang out and we do coloring and dancing and run in circles. And eat dessert. Usually all at the same time, which is my favorite.

Attached is a photo of Madeleine trying on my trainers. When I took her picture I asked her if she was the cutest thing ever in the history of things that are cute and she said, "yes?", which somehow made it even cuter.

let's review: watchable romantic "comedies"

From the comments section of a previous post, we get some additional suggestions for watchable romantic comedies. To wit:

hi-fidelity (yes the book is better blah blah) - Correct, the book IS better, but this doesn't work for me because I can't see a girl watching it and thinking it is good. Unless they love John Cusack, which is a possibility.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - Didn't see it.

chocolat - didn't like this one but that's just me.

notting hill - Don't remember this very well but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Definitely a chick flick but I remember it being mildly funny.

one might even argue for pretty woman - Hooker with a heart of gold? Seriously? This movie made a lot of money but the plot is beyond dumb. Hector Elizondo is the best part about this film.

My own addition:
Four Weddings and a Funeral - Funny and sad at the same time.

Don't have time for links today. I'll add them later if time permits. (Do I have to do all the work around here?)

A little something for the ladies

I used to date a girl that looooooved wiener dogs. A lot. Those days are gone, but I remain a fan of the Dachshund. They are pretty damn cute. My favorite graphic designer posted an updated photo gallery of his long-breed dog, so get on over there and enjoy the pix.

My favorite is him trying to maintain his dignity in the chicken outfit. It's not working, but I appreciate the effort. Keep your head up, G.

Cheerleading is A-W-E-S-O-M-E

So I'm doing some international news reading over on the Guardian (because I'm so cosmopolitan) and the first article I visited was - of course - "Cheerleading scandals hit all-time high in 2008". Sure I could read about the crisis in Gaza or the global financial markets but I'd be lying if I said I didn't see what the cheerleading scandal had to offer first. And I was rewarded with the following:

And the Arizona State Cheerleaders had naughty pics leaked on the internet as did the Sacramento Kings cheerleaders, a school cheerleading team in Seattle, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers cheerleading squad, the Orange Coast College cheerleaders in Costa Mesa, California, the cheerleaders at a school in North Carolina, and the Cleveland Cavs cheerleaders.

I say 'rewarded' because this is an international newspaper, and it's hilarious to me that the tramps that are going to college RIGHT DOWN THE STREET from where I live made it into an article on the Guardian. Nice work, ladies. No wonder this guy is a junior college English professor. In Orange County.*

* Actually true. Seriously.

Beware the helmet

This article was merely interesting, and then it became awesome:

Stories have also appeared in the local papers highlighting passengers' fears that the helmets could be used by motorcyclists to cast spells on their clients, making it easy for them to be robbed.

"Some people can put juju inside the helmets and when they are worn the victim can either lose consciousness or be struck dumb," passenger Kolawole Aremu told the Daily Trust newspaper.

The list of "romantic comedies" that are surprisingly not sh*t

Every now and then you will want to (have to?) see a movie with a Girl. In the event you can't find anything in theaters you want to watch, you can get yourself down to the local Blockbuster and rent one of the following. Here, in no particular order, is my list of romantic comedies for guys that don't like romantic comedies.

1. The Princess Bride - I covered this one at length already. And even though this list is not in any kind of order, Princess Bride should always be at the top.

2. Enchanted - It has Dr. McDouche, who is vaguely annoying and tedious, but it also has Amy Adams, who is ludicrously good looking. So they balance out. And the movie is surprisingly funny and watchable. And it's an excuse to suggest another Amy Adams movie to the Girl later, because she was "so good in Enchanted."

3. When Harry Met Sally - It's an old movie at this point, but it's held up well. Enjoy the part about whether or not men & women can actually be neutral friends. And you can be reminded why Meg Ryan used to be the cutest girl in Hollywood.

4. Love Actually - It's Christmas, it's in London, it's got relationships that succeed and some that don't. Good ensemble cast, plus hugs and (mostly) happy endings. Watch this around xmastime with your girl and you will definitely get a nice happy ending yourself, if you know what I mean. (And I think you do.)

5. Definitely, Maybe - I was prepared to hate this but the movie ends up being more about relationships that fail than the ones that succeed, and it features an underrated Isla Fisher. I could watch Isla Fisher read the phone book. And Ryan Reynolds isn't as pretty as, say, Brad Pitt, and thus easier to watch. Until he takes his shirt off. Then he's just being a dick.

6. Strictly Ballroom - Early work by Baz Luhrmann. It's got a love story, it's got ballroom dancing, and it's legitimately funny.

That's all I can think of for now. I'll update/repost this if I remember any more that should be on this list.

(Image courtesy and copyright One Love Photo - it's a piece of artwork the artist put together for a newly-married couple that loved sloths. Not sure if the couple ever met schadenfreude sloth and his cousin hangover bear. Or if they read the tagline of GJAW. But we're glad they got married. Even if they put living bug carpets on their wedding invitations. )

Just as true as the previous post, but painful in a different way

What's yours?