Old people + the internet + christian chain mail = comedy gold

This is not for the faint of heart. My great-aunt, who is in her 70s (early 80s?) and is a good person for the most part (except where she doesn't like black people, and Mexicans, and immigrants, and watches way too much Fox news) never sends me anything but bizarro Christian chain mail bullshit. She's a caricature of the old person on the internet. A couple years ago she sent me that thing about cancer and johns hopkins. I usually let the garbage go without responding but I had to tell her the truth about that one because it was potentially harmful to the other people she sent it to. The ones that don't have any sense, I mean.

So it's been a couple years since I got anything new (the cancer thing didn't go over very well, even though I was nice about it) but the current crisis in this country has gotten me out of the doghouse. And I get stuff like this link, but first a warning - DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK IF YOU ARE NOT TOTALLY COMMITTED TO JESUS CHRIST IN ALL HIS POWER AND GLORY - SERIOUSLY, DO NOT DO IT.

And by "POWER AND GLORY" I mean the complete disregard for correct grammar, spelling, syntax, flash animation, logic, restraint, and common sense.

On the other hand this link was very effective, because the first words out of my mouth when I saw it were: "jesus. christ." Followed shortly by "What the f*ck is wrong with people?"

Froomin, meet Butt

Imagine introducing Frank Butt and Marty Froomin, two members of the SJSU faculty, to one another:

Me: Froomin, Butt
Butt: Froomin
Me: Butt, Froomin
Froomin: Butt

I heart predatory sea creatures

They discovered a fossil of a huge predatory sea creature in Norway. (It's cold up there so I hope it had a sweater on.)

My favorite thing about the discovery of these creatures is that it highlights how much we don't know about life as it existed before humans arrived. We plod along and try to piece the puzzle together but the truth is we can only guess, we can't really know. On the upside we get some really cool "artistic renderings" but those have only slightly more scientific value than the drawing that you see here. The guy that drew the fancy one over on the Guardian is definitely a more qualified artist, but we have both seen exactly as many living pliosaurs as you have: zero. Just sayin'.

I'm fond of my own rendering. He's having a Galapagos tortoise for a snack. Grrrrrrr...

Special bonus: the fossil-hunters called in the wonderfully named Dr. Frank Fish, who is an expert on the biomechanics of cetacean flippers. And his last name is Fish. And he's an expert on fish. Hello? Is this thing on?

Nice effort

This from the 'hot clicks' section of SI.com. I can't be bothered to link there because it's just a link dump and not worth the effort. They do have the occasional good video, which is where I found this little gem. I like how the guy goes from obnoxiously celebrating his teams victory (dry humping himself) to dry humping the announcer. There's a lesson in there about sports as modern escapism, and how he associates himself with the team. Or something. Hey look, he's dry humping the announcer!

Snopes.com is your friend

I have friends that do all kinds of awesome stuff, like get blackout drunk and fall down. I don't make fun of them in these pages (much) because we've all been there. Throwing stones in glass houses and all that. What I will make fun of is when they forward me chain mails from other idiots and don't bother to go to snopes.com to figure out if maybe they are being fed some bullshit. As in this forward I got from Orange County's Most Eligible Bachelor today:

From: An Idiot (not the OC's MEB - someone else sent it to him)
Sent: Tuesday, January 27, 2009 10:52 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Reminder Cell Phone Numbers Go Public Today!

  Heads up  REMEMBER: Cell Phone Numbers Go Public today

>  REMINDER... all cell phone numbers are being released to

> telemarketing  companies tomorrow and you will start to

> receive sale calls.  .... YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE

> CALLS  To prevent this, call the following number from your

> cell phone:  888-382-1222.  It is the National DO NOT CALL

> list. It will only take a minute of your  time. It blocks

> your number for five (5) years. You must call from the

> cell  phone number you want

 to have blocked. You cannot

> call from a different  phone number.  

I have a computer that talks to other computers through a cable in the wall, so I checked with the redoubtable snopes.com, and guess what? It's a hoax. Like all good lies there are some correct facts in there, but it's still a hoax. I alerted my friend, sent him the link. He responded:

"I just called the number bumbler. It was legit."

Hold the phone. Let's review:
In one corner, you've got a chain mail that someone forwarded to you.

In the other corner, you've got a loooong explanation from Snopes, backed up by referenced media and a link to the FCC website.

I wouldn't know who to believe, either. I mean come on, it has a number so it must be legit! Right? Anyone? [Is this thing on?]

let's review: watchable romantic "comedies"

From the comments section of a previous post, we get some additional suggestions for watchable romantic comedies. To wit:

hi-fidelity (yes the book is better blah blah) - Correct, the book IS better, but this doesn't work for me because I can't see a girl watching it and thinking it is good. Unless they love John Cusack, which is a possibility.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - Didn't see it.

chocolat - didn't like this one but that's just me.

notting hill - Don't remember this very well but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Definitely a chick flick but I remember it being mildly funny.

one might even argue for pretty woman - Hooker with a heart of gold? Seriously? This movie made a lot of money but the plot is beyond dumb. Hector Elizondo is the best part about this film.

My own addition:
Four Weddings and a Funeral - Funny and sad at the same time.

Don't have time for links today. I'll add them later if time permits. (Do I have to do all the work around here?)

Chemistry puns don't usually feel this good. I mean in my pants. (too much?)

For some reason this thing has been around since I don't know when but I just saw it today. I was browsing one of the sites from which I "borrow" jokes and links and etc and found this. Not the picture. Just the link. I didn't know what to expect but my commitment to boredom was rewarded with this exceptional work of genius. No doubt there is room for debate here (I'd put Jedi ahead of ghosts in the noble races, and I think the heavy metals at the far left could use a re-org/update), but overall I think it's superb. I think the second row is v. strong; proximity mines are a bitch.

Unrelated:
I caught up with an old girlfriend from college* a couple days ago. We met for drinks and had the following exchange:

Her: You didn't treat me very well.
Mr. Super: That's true. But, in my defense, I didn't treat anyone very well when I was 19. So it wasn't just you. That makes it better, right? [smiles hopefully]

Ahhh, that was fun.

We're winding up another year here at GJAW. I doubt I'll do another post before year end (you care) sooooo... thanks for reading. This was the most prolific year ever, with almost 200 posts. Beats the old record by, umm, [too lazy to check a number] several.

* Unexpected benefit of dating hot girls in college is that they are (very occasionally) still hot, 15 years later.**

** Unexpected drawback: They might remember that you were a dick. Girls are funny that way.

Mighty Mites - Martial arts are good for you

Went to a BJJ tournament over the weekend.

The truth will find you in the ring. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 35. Just ask the Golden Boy, who spent his Saturday night taking a beating so severe he went straight from the ring to the hospital. He also got paid at least $20 million. (Silver linings and all that.) On the other hand, he's now at greater risk of Parkinson's disease and a host of other ailments that come from getting your head knocked around on a regular basis. Also: You can't spend your money if you're dead.

Watching tiny kids compete in Brazilian jiu jitsu was just as entertaining in its own way. The parents scream comments with varying degress of usefulness. E.g.: "DON'T LET HIM TAKE YOUR ARM JOHNNY!" This is not helping Johnny in any way. Try positive encouragement instead. The kids give maximum effort, and their goofy dancing can be hilarious, but if you laugh you might overlook the fact that they are in a fight, and that is no joke no matter how old you are.

I love the intensity of the kids. It's heartbreaking to see how some of them take the losses: tears are shed, hugs received, hard lessons about losing and sportsmanship are learned. Great stuff.

[Photo courtesy Crosley-Gracie Jiu Jitsu, used without permission but with my thanks. The tournament I watched was not at Crosley-Gracie, but they had a good photo of two kids grappling so I used it.]

Orange County's Most Eligible Bachelor

The OC's Most Eligible Bachelor (aka the King of Blind Dates) has been talking shit to me all day via the internets. All. Day. Thank goodness he sent me this carefully crafted artistic rendering from one of his co-workers. Plus he's not a regular reader. At one point we had the following exchange:

OCs M.E.B.: So… are you going to put on a monkey suit and roll big in vegas tomorrow night? Please say yes. It will be like old times…
me: hey cockface: feel free to stop being a cock at any point. like now.
---------

All because I'm on the fence about going to a party with him on Saturday. I asked who was going to be there and he said, that one girl that my blah blah set me up with blah blah and she blah blah. I said, no, that girl is awful. Which prompted this exchange:

OC's M.E.B.: She makes everyone around her a better person.
me: She makes them SEEM better, because she sucks so bad. Everyone looks good standing next to her.
OC's M.E.B.: True.
---------

It's a tough crowd people.

I can't wait to start getting hits from people doing internet searches for 'oc bachelor'.

You're gonna need that, or: Fucking shit up with the blender

First thing the doc did when he told me I had TMJ was that I should start eating soft foods for at least a week. He said, "don't chew anything, and try not to talk." Since I eat a lot, and also like to run my mouth, this was an interesting challenge. So lately it's been soup for dinner and smoothies for lunch. Or cream of wheat. Anything soft.

Upside: I love smoothies and any reason to eat milkshakes is a good reason. I got some light ice cream, milk, creamy peanut butter, bananas, nectarines, and anything else that looked like it might be tasty if I blended it up. The blender hadn't seen much use lately (my blended margarita days are behind me) so I was pleased when the blender worked like a charm. I was less pleased when I disassembled it for cleaning and broke the 'blender jar seal ring' that goes in the bottom. Let me tell you that this is not something you want to leave out or damage in any way.

I tried to rebuild the seal ring when I re-assembled the blender. There were, ahh, gaps. When I looked at it I said to myself, "this could go badly." I planned ahead when I made my shake: put all the solid / semi-solid ingredients in first, then the milk, then blendreallyfastsoitdoesn'tspillverymuch. It worked, except for the part where it leakedalloverthefuckingplacerightfromthestart. Mid-mess I decided that if I blended then the extra lower viscosity of the blend would slow the leaking. This was true, as far is it went. It was also true that instead of leaking milk out the bottom it was now leaking peanut-butter banana milkshake, which is a bitch to clean up.

Acting quickly, I finished blending and grabbed a large glass to hold my shake. I picked up the blender jar (still leaking milkshake out the bottom) and promptly poured part of the shake into the glass while the glass was upside down. We store the glasses inverted and I was in a hurry. Seriously. Now one hand is holding the leaky blender jar and the other is holding a glass upside down, covered in milkshake. Briefly, I am Douglas Feith as described by Tommy Franks. I grab another clean glass and finally get the remainder of my shake into a container. Carnage on my kitchen counter and shirt. I kept it mostly off the floor. I would have taken photos but I had to get it cleaned up.

soooooo... that happened.
thanks for reading.

NYC in Review: day two (part 3): MoMA

The Museum of Modern Art in NYC was one of the highlights of my visit. It is room after room of some of the finest art in the world. I got a chance to walk it with my friend and that was superb because we could talk about what was good and what was, in my opinion, crap. Most was good, but some of it, enh, not so much.

If you go, I suggest you start at the top and work down. The best stuff is at the top. Words don't really do it justice, but they have some paintings there you may have heard of (pictured adjacent). Every time you turned the corner, there was another amazing work of art.

In no particular order, the collection includes works by: Cezanne, van Gogh, Seurat, Klimt, Jasper Johns, Matisse, Chagall, Pollock, Mondrian, Picasso, de Kooning, the unintentionally funny Ruscha, etc, and so forth. What isn't there: anything from that hack Julian Schnabel. After seeing some of the nonsense they have in there he must be wondering what he has to do to make the cut.

The food in the cafes is good, although (factoid) they don't heat it, because they don't want to endanger the works of art.

PS: Why does Starry Night get all the love? I thought The Olive Trees was much better. MoMA even uses it as the centerpiece on their Collection page.

is that art? or are you just being a pretentious jackass?

warning: back to back negative posts! and this one is about art (much too highbrow, i know). we'll bring it around to the positive in the next post. promise.

watched Charlie Rose interview Julian Schnabel on the television. they talked a lot about Schnabel's movie the Diving Bell and the Butterfly, which is supposed to be excellent. The video interview is not up yet or I would have a screen capture of Schnabel's outfit, which includes yellow-tinted glasses and prominent chest fur.

At one point the conversation turned to Schnabel's new exhibition of his recent paintings. He has taken to painting abstract shapes (if you can call it that) over maps. The maps themselves are often quite beautiful. The painting looks like something my cousin's 2 year old would do, and then his 4 year old would come over and make fun of it because it looks so sh*tty. (kids are mean.)

Abstract art may be similar to jazz; in jazz you have to master common musical form in order to break out of its constraints and limitations. In jazz you express yourself in complex, difficult patterns that often don't lend themselves to casual listening. If you don't master the regular form, then the irregular form is beyond you.

This particular "art" looks more like some bullsh*t that someone vomited onto what used to a very elegant bit of cartography. The only statement Schnabel is making is that he doesn't have the good sense to recognize a beautiful map as a work of art in its own right.

I'll let you know about the movie.

UPDATE - turns out that Mr. Schnabel is a very famous artist who has made 'millions of dollars' for his paintings. You can decide for yourself if they're any good or not. Robert Hughes, a prominent art critic, was not a fan of the man's art or his memoirs, about which he said: The unexamined life, said Socrates, is not worth living. The memoirs of Julian Schnabel, such as they are, remind one that the converse is also true. The unlived life is not worth examining.

I don't want to sound too agency pitch-ish, but ...

[i had a video embedded here but it took too long for the page to load. Use the link instead.]
...
My pitch strategy is that I'm going to make an unsolicited 'viral video' to become your ad agency. According to Tom, the VP Creative Director of Douchebaggery, it's "got to be funny" and "prove who we are." Tom, it's definitely unintentionally funny, so mission accomplished on objective A, and you are clearly a jackass, so mission accomplished on objective B. Also, feel free to introduce yourself to a razor before you come to work in the morning, and, FYI, they call them "undershirts" because you wear them under your shirt. Well, you don't, but you get the idea.

Review the video above for an example of more outstanding 'creative' talent. I don't want to sound too "agency pitch-ish" [thanks, Senior Art Director Andrew!] but if this is the best you can do, you guys are a bunch of g-damn idiots.

[ed. aside: Kate is actually kind of cute, so just turn the sound off when she describes herself as a combination of "Grace Kelley and Rodney Dangerfield".]

Now enjoy the response from Coudal Partners, also an ad agency. And not lame. It's about 2 minutes, and it's awesome. Big ups to Jim Coudal, Worldwide Executive Creative Director.

when your commitment to nerd knows no bounds...

tattoos are just skin pictures. unless it's a (the?) bluescreen of death windows crash message.

i feel like this is a bit much.

http://www.engadget.com/2007/07/28/man-gets-bsod-message-tattooed-on-his-arm/


and check this link for the guy that got not one, but two tattoos related to the zune music player. guess there's not much going on in his life, either.

he needs a blog.

so that's what $800,000 buys you

turns out that the London 2012 olympic logo cost $800,000 to "develop".
really.

have you seen it? yikes. they're going to use the same basic shape and change the color at random, or according to some pattern only they know. sort of like MTV in the early days. told you the 80's were coming back.

the head of the firm isn't talking, so we can't get any feedback on his vision. is it weird if a PR firm doesn't talk to the media? guess not.

Logo looks great, let's go back to working on new Coke

The new logo for the London olympic games has debuted. It's terrible. I guess it doesn't much matter, except that they spent a ton of money on it and it's their big shining example to the world and they came up with something that sucked. Great that you can "create your own" on their web page. Good luck with that.

I'd have loved to be in the room when they were doing the mock-ups. Here's example dialog of the conference room where all the comm and marketing majors got together to make some magic:

Comm major #1: We need a new logo for our london 2012 campaign, for the summer olympics. For starters, the candidate logo we made actually looks pretty good.

Overpaid Marketing Guy #3: F*ck that sh*t! Let's go the other direction. [Aggressively stubs out marlboro red cigarette into ashtray, because he's edgy and into marketing and edgy.]

Leggy Marketing Girl #7: huh?

Creative Guy [dressed in black pants, black turtleneck, IM Pei glasses]: Legible, colorful design will be so passe by the time 2012 rolls around. Let's do something edgy and cool for 1983, so that it'll be cool again by 2012.

Comm Major: yeah, that's awesome.

Legal guy [knows nothing about marketing or communications]: umm, but it might not work, because, ahh, if it's too edgy, it will look unprofessional and tasteless and inelegant and... ahhh... ugly?

Overpaid Marketing Guy #3: F*ck that sh*t! it's gonna' be awesome! [lights another cig]

All: Yeah!

[exeunt]