Shit yourself thin; plus, more olympics!

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

Blah blah olympics blah blah blah. I feel bad for the US girl that fell down on the balance beam and again on the floor exercises. After she biffed she had to stand up straight and watch her teammates compete while they shoved cameras in her face. Nowhere to hide. That was hard to watch so I changed the channel. I feel badly enough when they fall; I don't need to watch them blink back tears afterwards. Which reminds me, some of the older US gymnastics girls would be pretty hot if they were adult sized. Unlike China, who fields girls way under the age limit like it's no big deal.

In other news the onion is still making superb videos and they've had a scientific breakthrough. You'll have to watch and decide for yourself.

Lezak kicks frog ass

I love the olympics. A lot.

I have no use for the medal count, or the endless fellatio of the "redeem team", or all the long faces from the lesbians that are bummed about the end of softball as an olympic sport. That stuff is lame.

What I love is the drama of your entire athletic life, your purpose, distilled into events that last minutes, or even seconds. The pressure is unbelievable. Some people wilt; some thrive. Jason Lezak is the latter. I don't have video because the only thing the olympics hates more than human rights is copyright violations. But you can watch the end of it over on withleather.com.

And there's this from my friend the King of Blind Dates:

Jason Lezak was my teammate in high school for both water polo and swimming. He was one year younger than me. My senior year we received 1^st team all-american honors in the 4x50 and 4x100 free relays- winning CIF in both events and recording the fastest high school time in the country in 1993 for the 4x50 free. I wonder why??? In both CIF final races… Jason performed similar heroics (as our relay anchor) to what he pulled off last night on the world stage. If you didn’t catch the race… watch it on u-tube or espn.com. It’s amazing- though I must admit, I’m not surprised… It’s so awesome to see someone’s years of hard work pay off.

If you suck at your job you might lose it

Alexi Lalas got fired from his job as GM of the LA Galaxy. He retains his position as the #2 douche in US soccer history (Eric Wynalda has a hammerlock on the #1 spot - Landon Donovan is very strong at # 3).

Also, the LA Galaxy head coach resigned for 'personal reasons', which was a nice gesture because he had a three year contract. I wonder if his personal reasons had anything to do with the fact that the team sucks. *

I've written at length about what a fucking idiot Alexi Lalas is. You can review that at your leisure. The money guy says that "There are two good people that for different reasons aren't part of this organization today, and that's a shame." The shame is that Lalas sucks so bad at his job that he can't build a winning team in one of the largest markets in the US.


*We are not going to dis Ruud Gullit here, or anywhere. He didn't get the tools he needed to build a successful team. Also, he favors a stylish, attacking style of play. LA isn't good enough to play that way, but that was true before he got there. It's still true.

My new favorite time-waster, or: Why I don't notice that I don't have a girlfriend

Decided to mix some turn-based strategy into my console gaming. Started playing Civilization: Revolution. It's a nice break from shooting people; now I get to take over the world. Which is more in line with my personality anyway.

The problem is that the games take anywhere from 3-5 hours to finish. Sure you can save along the way and come back to it later but I find myself unable to put the controller down. It's pathetic. Apparently there are support groups, but mostly I think I need to show some discipline. Right after I kick Napoleon's ass. Fuck him. He sucks.

Generation Kill: required viewing

Generation Kill (on HBO) is the best show on television.

Not much competition this time of year, but it would be the best show on TV any time of year, with the possible exception of Wire reruns.

It's supposed to be 'authentic', and you'd have to ask a real soldier how accurate it really is. Or for true authenticity you would have to live it. But from the Marines I've talked to, it's fairly accurate. For example, when the Marines in the show pillage care packages searching for Penthouse and logs of Skoal straight, that matches exactly with what I was told, along with lots of other details that I have heard about. But it's still a TV show, so take all that with a grain of salt. "Iceman" walks around with his cover off quite a bit (easier to see his face), plus they do some sh*t that I don't think happened in real life, but these are minor quibbles.

I read the original articles in Rolling Stone very closely but skipped the book when it came out. It's interesting to see how the characters from the article come to life in the show. There were some things that Wright couldn't say back in 2003, but I think it's easier to tell the truth about it now. The book has been out for a while so it's not going to further ruin anyone's career.

Sundays @ 9 on HBO. Set your TiVo or catch it on netflix later this year.

* Image cribbed from the HBO website and definitely used without permission. Hooray for the internet.

aww, cuuuuuuuute!

The world's smallest known snake.

Image courtesy the AP and yahoo and the biologist that took the picture in Barbados back in 2006. The scientist that discovered the snake named it after his wife*, who said that the snake reminded her of her husband.** And then she giggled awkwardly.**




* True.
** Less true.

Elitism is for losers

Lots of ink has been spilled lately around the idea that Barack Obama is elitist.
According to the online dictionary, elitism is:

1.	practice of or belief in rule by an elite.

2.	consciousness of or pride in belonging to a select or favored group.

I don't think either one of these applies to Obama. He got a law degree from Harvard and he's very smart, but that doesn't make you elitist. It means you're a high achiever. Two different things. Why are people threatened by this?

Being smarter and better-educated than most of America is a GOOD quality to have in a presidential candidate. It means you're higly qualified for the job. Obama tends to hang out with other smart, well educated people. That's not elitism. You tend to hang out with people that have the same backgrounds/interests as you. That doesn't in itself make you elitist or racist or whatever else.

As for being out of touch with the people, try this: If you think the current president cares what you (the common man) really think, then go try and talk to him some time. See how 'in touch' he is. Meet with him in person or get him on the phone, tell him how you feel. He's waiting to hear from you. I promise.

Ladies, my balls are here for your pleasure

This video has been featured on GJAW before. I'm doing it again. And why not? It's help up really well. And it offsets the politics to follow. (The readership is divided on political posts - some don't like them, others hate them.)
----------------------------------------
From the political hypocrisy file, when is leadership experience non-essential in a presidential candidate?

8 years ago the GOP said that Bush didn't need it, and he beat Al Gore (who was probably better prepared for the job after 8 years as a veep). Fast forward 8 years: McCain suggests that Obama is not prepared and doesn't have enough experience. Umm, that wasn't supposed to be a problem 8 years ago, so why is it a problem now?

And can we all agree that maybe the GOP isn't very good at evaluating talent since their last candidate will go down as one of the worst presidents in American history?
Just sayin'.

So Much Good Stuff

Crazy busy week this week. Gallimaufry time.

I was reading about writing for the web and according to Nielsen you (the web reader) are dumb and have the attention span of an 8 year old. Writing for younger users (teenagers) is no different except they are dumber. No joke. It was a bit depressing, but I don't think Nielsen needed to do a bunch of studies. He could have sampled any myspace pages, saved himself some time.

In unrelated news, Brett Favre is an asshole. He was a dick when Javon Walker held out for more money and Favre got on his high horse and talked to the media about how he disapproved. That's one way to lead a team: throw your teammate under the bus to the media. Now Favre is leading a different way, by unretiring and demanding a trade. Dear Brett: Remember when we had that national fellatio-fest last year when you were "retiring"? There was a terrible video montage about how awesome you were on MNF, a tearful cover on SI, and lots of other maudlin worship? We're not doing that again. Go F yourself you selfish prick. If you wanted to play, you shouldn't have quit. Asshole.

I love baseball* and I love the Dodgers only slightly more than I love cancer**, so I'm pumped they rented that shitbrick Manny Ramirez. "Manny" is truly awesome at hitting a baseball. He is truly un-awesome at fielding a baseball. Now that he plays in a regular-shaped outfield I'm sure every day in left will be even more of an adventure. Good luck with that.


* Not technically true.
** True.

The Chicken is also an Orb

Castle Crashers is coming out on 27 August. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this to you before. Search the blog for "The Behemoth Chicken" or "Dan Paladin" if you want details.

The good news is that the Behemoth Chicken makes a strong appearance in the game. So too does the Alien from Alien Hominid. Get excited.

A.J. Draplin drops knowledge. And f-bombs.

I don't know Aaron Draplin. But I appreciate his design aesthetic. He seems like the kind of guy you could learn something from. Also he's not shy about sharing his opinions, and I appreciate that in a person. Becuase we love opinions here at GJAW. If you can support them with factual evidence, so much the better.

Anyways, Draplin sat for a video interview thing and discussed some recent experiences. I recommend it. Language in the video definitely NSFW.

yeah

I don't have a real post. I decided the photo was enough.
I found the photo when I was searching for some accredited continuing education course information at an ivy league university.* And then I got to thinking about what kind of caption to add, and there you go.

I saved the original, because I feel like there's a lot to work with here. A lot.





* I am not making this up.

You are expected to have suitable gear. If you can see the top of your amplifier, don't bother answering this ad.

Sold the cellphone phone on craigslist last week.
How much did I hate the new and improved super fancy verizon phone with the touchscreen? It's hard to put an exact dollar figure on it, but considering I had to pay full price ($350) for a new phone and sold the old one for $150, I can tell you with certainty that it was at least $200 of lame.

Upside: The new phone kicks ass. The old phone was a worthless piece of shit as a handheld computer and/or a device for talking to people. New phone doesn't try to be something it isn't.

While I was on Craigslist I wandered over to 'best of', which can be a good place to find a laugh or two if you're not busy. My favorite was the guy that posted an ad looking for people to be in his band. I hope he was for real and starts a band, because it sounds like it will be awesome. (honk!)

An excerpt:

As you can see from my picture [ed: Picture was not included in post, had to use different clist photo, see below], I wear chain mail to protect my body from the rigors of extreme playing. When you step up on stage with a true performer like myself, it's like stepping into battle, only instead of swords and arrows, we fight with 32nd notes and pinch harmonics. So in a way, the chain mail is largely symbolic, but my legions of fans have come to appreciate and expect it. You may don similar armor, but only if it fits the theme (no hockey masks or umpire's vests).

Special dirt bonus from somebody that wanted the dirt moved out of their driveway.

Rampage Jackson seems a little unbalanced - losing a fight can do that to you

(no photo today - they're all copyrighted and I'm busy)

My favorite UFC fighter is Rampage Jackson. He kicks ass and he doesn't take himself too seriously. Unfortunately it seems like he's got some issues he's working through since he lost his fight with Forrest Griffin. This from the LA Times:

Driving with a flat tire believed to have been damaged in an earlier accident on the 55 Freeway, Jackson was seen talking on his cellphone, crossing street dividers and twice driving onto sidewalks that "caused pedestrians to dive out of the way," Dondero said. "He was ignoring sirens, and ran several red lights before finally being detained," with a shredded tire at 18th Street and Newport Boulevard in Newport Beach.

Dondero said there was no evidence of alcohol or drugs contributing to Jackson's driving.

Losing a fight can be really hard for a fighter. When heavily favored George Foreman lost to Muhammed Ali (rent this from Netflix if you haven't already) he went into a yearlong depression from which he barely recovered. So I was disappointed to hear that Jackson got into some trouble, but not surprised. Nor was I surprised to find out that he's been hospitalized for mental health evaluation. That's no joke. And he's in a shitload of trouble with the law, which isn't funny, either.

He was hospitalized AFTER he was released on bail. That's a not funny, either. The guy is off his meds or something. I'm hoping he can get sorted and get back to doing what he does best, which is crack wise and knock people out. I'm still amazed he lost that fight to Griffin. I'm not saying he should have won (he was losing on my scorecard), but damn, Forrest Griffin? That guy is the little engine that could.

the iphone: the best handheld computer money can buy

The new iphone does all the stuff that made the original iphone awesome, and it does them even awesomer. But why do they call the iphone a phone at all? As a handheld computer it is without peer. Truly, you can do almost anything with this toy.

As a phone, it is shit. This from Slate:

Rather than abandon the iPhone, though, I held out hope that the next model would look cool and allow me to talk to my friends and family. Indeed, everything does work more smoothly on the iPhone 3G. Everything, that is, except talking to people.

This isn't news. Ask anyone what they love about the iphone and they'll rave about how great it is to pull up youtube videos or watch movies, buy music, surf the web while at the airport. Or figure out where they are. It's mediocre for texting (no QWERTY keyboard) and useful for talking only if you buy a bluetooth headset. It isn't a phone at all.

This from Walter Mossberg:

Bottom line: If you’ve been waiting to buy an iPhone until it dropped in price, or ran on faster cell networks, you might want to take the plunge, if you can live with the higher service costs and the weaker battery life. The same goes for those with existing iPhones who love the device but crave faster cellular data speeds. But if you already own an iPhone, and can usually use Wi-Fi for data, you probably should hold off and get the free software upgrade before deciding whether it’s worth getting the new hardware.

You're gonna need that, or: Fucking shit up with the blender

First thing the doc did when he told me I had TMJ was that I should start eating soft foods for at least a week. He said, "don't chew anything, and try not to talk." Since I eat a lot, and also like to run my mouth, this was an interesting challenge. So lately it's been soup for dinner and smoothies for lunch. Or cream of wheat. Anything soft.

Upside: I love smoothies and any reason to eat milkshakes is a good reason. I got some light ice cream, milk, creamy peanut butter, bananas, nectarines, and anything else that looked like it might be tasty if I blended it up. The blender hadn't seen much use lately (my blended margarita days are behind me) so I was pleased when the blender worked like a charm. I was less pleased when I disassembled it for cleaning and broke the 'blender jar seal ring' that goes in the bottom. Let me tell you that this is not something you want to leave out or damage in any way.

I tried to rebuild the seal ring when I re-assembled the blender. There were, ahh, gaps. When I looked at it I said to myself, "this could go badly." I planned ahead when I made my shake: put all the solid / semi-solid ingredients in first, then the milk, then blendreallyfastsoitdoesn'tspillverymuch. It worked, except for the part where it leakedalloverthefuckingplacerightfromthestart. Mid-mess I decided that if I blended then the extra lower viscosity of the blend would slow the leaking. This was true, as far is it went. It was also true that instead of leaking milk out the bottom it was now leaking peanut-butter banana milkshake, which is a bitch to clean up.

Acting quickly, I finished blending and grabbed a large glass to hold my shake. I picked up the blender jar (still leaking milkshake out the bottom) and promptly poured part of the shake into the glass while the glass was upside down. We store the glasses inverted and I was in a hurry. Seriously. Now one hand is holding the leaky blender jar and the other is holding a glass upside down, covered in milkshake. Briefly, I am Douglas Feith as described by Tommy Franks. I grab another clean glass and finally get the remainder of my shake into a container. Carnage on my kitchen counter and shirt. I kept it mostly off the floor. I would have taken photos but I had to get it cleaned up.

soooooo... that happened.
thanks for reading.

TMJ is God's way of telling you that you need to lose a few lbs. And shut up.

Woke up a couple weeks ago and my jaw was really bothering me.



(I'm waiting for you to finish your fellatio joke(s).
Go ahead. I've got time.)



You done? Great.
The doctor says I have TMJ. Something something jaw hurts something. I have a sprained jaw. How does this happen? Well, it comes from stress, or if you're grinding/clenching your teeth. I don't have much in the way of stress but it happened immediately after some super awesome news about my mom.

The whole story takes a long time to tell but the short version is my sister is exploiting my mother to full advantage. I can feel my jaw start to hurt just typing that. My stepdad gave me the whole scoop. We talked for hours. We don't have a lot in common but we have both been witness to the crazy. The next day I had TMJ. Basically my mom supports all the idiotic stuff my sister does and expects Tony to pay for it after Cris runs out of money (they have separate accounts because if they didn't then my mother would just give my sister all the money - you would think there's a life-lesson there for Cris, but you'd be wrong).

When Tony says no, my mother says he's the enemy, and he should "think of his daughter, and think of his grand-daughter". This is some serious crazy. Bear in mind that my sister was already on her way to loserville years before Tony ever showed up. AND my sister talks to her real father on a regular basis. But she can't get money from him because he doesn't have any. Neither does Tony, but that doesn't mean Cris and my sister can't hold it against him. It is a frustration. I want to kick them both in the teeth. Very christian of me. You would think that after 20 years of being a leech/loser my mother would catch on to the fact that my sister is an irredeemable piece of shit. You'd be wrong about that, too.

On the upside: muscle relaxers for everybody! I'll set some aside. Get your orders in now.

Since you've been gone...

I missed you. I really did.
Here's how I spent my week off, 'by the numbers', so to speak.

• Number of days in a row that I drank heavily at my friend's wedding in Catalina: 2
• Times I made an ass of myself at the wedding: 4ish
• Times I made an ass of myself at the wedding that anyone will remember: Zero
  
• Number of days in a row that I committed to not drinking at all following the bender: 30 (I'm calling it "Dry July" - one friend said, "You're not drinking for all of July? Sweet. See you in August.")
• Fights (out of 4) that I picked correctly in the big UFC punchfest this past Saturday: Zero
• Number of successful title defenses I predict for new UFC light heavyweight champ Forest Griffin: Zero
• Fireworks viewed, not counting the shitbricks lighting up feeble sparklers in the street on my drive home: Zero
• Pangs of regret felt when I didn't make time to go buy a pack of those weirdly grotesque 'snake' fireworks that are safe for all but the most ill-intentioned child: 1
• Times I drove The Lump: 1
• Times I envied The Lump and shopped for a new GSX-R750 online (including today): several
• Mediocre summer blockbusters watched: 1
  
• Hours of Call of Duty 4: very many. I read some books too but who cares? They only make you dumber.
  

That covers it for now.
More soon.

I call it the Lump

(only one post this week - I'm on vacation. I'll be back to regular posting next week.)
What do you do if your Love suddenly powers down? How do you cope? Well, if you're the King of Blind Dates you fire up the social network and get some girls in the pipeline. And you buy yourself a new car.

In fairness he'd been looking for the car for quite some time, but he didn't actually pull the trigger until Soulmates had dinged him. And it wasn't brand new, just new to him. Nevertheless, I'm calling it the Lump, which is short for the Love-Muscle-Power-Down, and the adjective 'LMPD', which is what happens when your love is super strong and powering San Onofre and aircraft carriers and then all of a sudden it fails. You got LMPD, pronounced 'lumped'. Go buy yourself something nice, get yourself over the lump.

dogs dogs dogs

My friend is dogsitting. She says:
7 dogs is too many dogs.