It's the little things (part II)

Visited with my friend James yesterday. He come over to play xbox and unfortunately he was able to press the touchdown button a lot more often than I was. I won the first game but wasn't able to sustain my effort and ended up losing the second game by a couple touchdowns.

The 49ers are so fucking bad at protecting the quarterback I can't even explain it in words. And their secondary sucks, too, which is why my friend was nice enough to send me the attached picture first thing this morning. At least I have Frank Gore on my team. Without him it would have been even worse. *sigh*

It was a wonderfully ordinary day. You can't ask for much more than that. But don't take my word for it. Consider this story from a cancer survivor:

One thing I don’t ever think to say: When I was told I had a year or two, I didn’t want anything one might expect: no blow-out trip to the Galápagos, no perfect meal at Alain Ducasse, no defiant red Maserati. All I wanted was ordinary life back, for ordinary life, it became utterly clear, is more valuable than anything else.

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Thanks for reading.

Freeeedom!

Look at the turtle and try not to laugh. I dare you.

Courtesy the internet. I scavenged it from the PBH tumblr blog. No idea where they got it.

David Rees remains unstoppable

This is old, but it might be new to you. It used to be my corporate philosophy, but now I make time for team spirit. Because my teammates are cool. And also I need to keep my job. (Mostly that second part, but my teammates are cool.)

For more Rees, see his Friday Face Offs. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock & roll.

Made a carrot cake this weekend. It turned out deliciously so I had a piece for dessert after I had a piece for dinner. Made me feel kind of ill afterward. Weird.

Helpful hints

My friend Jimmy comes by every now and then to play Madden on the xbox. It's the only time I play the game because I don't have very many friends that play and it's boring playing against the computer. I'm always the 49ers and he's always the Lions. I have no interest in any of the other (good) teams.

Last time he came over I spanked him because as bad as the 49ers are, the Lions are worse. I told him I kept pressing the touchdown button and it would score a touchdown. 80 yard TD run up the middle by Frank Gore? Touchdown button. 68 yard catch & run for a score? Touchdown button. Patrick Willis pick six? Touchdown button. You get the idea.

I felt kind of bad* so I made him a helpful guide he can use the next he comes over.


* By 'kind of' I mean 'not at all'.

In the face! IN THE FAAAAAAAAAACE!!!

I can't help it if I'm easily entertained.

I'll keep that in mind

What gets you banned from Xbox Live for 7,989 years? Take it away, Kotaku:

http://kotaku.com/5520100/what-gets-you-banned-from-xbox-live-until-the-year-9999

If you don't want to read the small print, here's a summary:

"Would be helpful if someone could enlighten me as to why he has been suspended until 31/12/9999 without notification" reads the plea from user TC57UK. Xbox Live enforcer XBLPET Whiskey was on-hand to provide said notification.

XBLPET's response:
"Your son was exposing himself on camera in Uno."

Why hasn't someone told me about this already?

If I had friends that loved me they would have mentioned this to me before today.

Instead I have to find it on my own, which says something about both my friends and the subject matter. But there you go.

Dungeons and Dragons is really not my thing. I can't believe people still get together, light candles, roll dice and keep score. But they made a movie about it, which is awesome. It's like King of Kong (which is really compelling, btw), but more weird.

The Dungeon Masters from Dungeon Masters Movie on Vimeo.

Let's go to the video!

Aaaaaaand here's the video from my loss at the 2010 Pan Am Jiu-Jitsu Championships. I'd post a video of a victory if I had one. But I don't. I'm 0 for 2.

Go here for the full-size version: http://www.vimeo.com/11060126

Pan Am jiu-jitsu competition video - novice level (white belt) from Case on Vimeo.

I think I'm management material

Had to move my stuff out of my old cube at the factory office. New factory office won't have a cube for me, but that's okay because they still have a job for me. I'll sit on the floor in the corner if they let me keep my job. (Not even kind of kidding about that, btw.)

In the process of doing the moveout I had to make sure my juggling skillz were still passable. As you can see from the video, the pressure of the camera gets to me, even after I make an effort and fix my hair and everything.



Credit Scott for the video and audio. The audio is performed/edited by him, which is a nice little slice of overachievement. Did he go too far? Yes. Yes he did.

Special bonus tracking sheet on my potty/food/nap/communication habits courtesy my good friend Stephanie.

They're not ready yet

After the challenge of getting into shape for a competition I like to make some kind of treat and bring it to share with the jiu-jitsu team. Cookies, cake, brownies, whatever. The dog always helps me put it together. She's a team player.

I'll go ahead and rent the BBC version

For some inexplicable reason the morons at Discovery had Oprah Winfrey narrate the Life series. BBC viewers got David Attenborough, who is famous for, among other things, his contributions to science. Sigourney Weaver did the previous series; that was bad but nto so bad that you couldn't watch the show. Oprah's narration is the kind of thing you would force someone to listen to as a punishment. They've probably got it on repeat down at Gitmo

For a sampling of Attenborough's awesome, I give you this:

Competition training (not the actual competition)

A teammate (and superior jiu-jitsu practitioner) shot and edited some video of the competition training we did in the runup to the Pan Am BJJ Championships. I show up at around the 50 second mark, finishing a guy in a guillotine choke. The next shot is the same guy passing my guard, which is good if you're him, less good if you're me.

TEAM GIGANTE BJJ - '10 pan am training from inda bebe on Vimeo.

Put on your game face

Addendum to the jiu-jitsu tournament post from last week. This is the only picture that wasn't blurry.

Photo is me before my match. What's that on the ground? Shoes, and my photo ID, because you need a photo ID when you weigh in. Right now I'm thinking about staying calm, and what I want to do when I get on the mat. (Not that it mattered; I did what I planned and still lost.)

No video yet. File was too big so I need to get it from my friend via ftp or pick it up on a cd. Then I will see about getting it hosted and posted. Super!

See what I did there?

My roommate's dog was found at the dump, taken to a shelter, and later adopted by his then-wife. The woman that found the dog at the dump contacted him recently to check in on the dog. (I think that's weird and intrusive but I used to volunteer at the local animal shelter and believe me when I tell you that 'weird' is just the tip of the iceberg for these people.)

The dog is awesome. She spends too much time alone but she's about as good a dog as you will get: affectionate, friendly, loves meeting new people. She's a wee bit clumsy and rough but that's not ever going to get any better because she lives with two guys and we don't care if she knocks stuff over. Also she's a bit chewy so don't leave any delicious items (shoes, socks, shirts, pillows) lying about unattended. And if she eats her treats off the countertop then it's your fault for putting them in easy reach, isn't it?

So the woman called and he told her how he wasn't really a fan of adopting another dog (they already had one), and it was really his wife that wanted her but "it worked out, because the bitch is gone but I still have the dog."

Indeed.

Fabulousness shows up early

Not sure if this kid is gay. He's too young to have any idea and who cares anyway?
He sure is fabulous though.
I like how he gets a little winded at the end but powers through it.

Score was tied so they went to the tiebreaker

I participated in the Pan Jiu-Jitsu Championships yesterday. What is that? It's a big tournament for competitive jiu-jitsu. People come from all over. There were 2700 competitors in total this year but only 17 guys in my age/weight division.

I competed at Novice level (white belt) , Senior 1 (36-40), 181 lb weight limit (weight includes gi).

Short tournament for me: I lost my first and only match. Score was 0-0 after 5 minutes, so they went to the tiebreaker and my opponent was leading 1-0 in advantage (an advantage is when you try something but it doesn't work - you get credit for the effort). It was very close. I am disappointed with the outcome (I could have won!) but not my effort.

Going into the tournament I was concerned about fighting a short, stocky guy. A guy with that body type would be stronger than me, so I would have to wear him down or use superior technique. Easier said than done.

As it happens, I got the guy where I wanted (closed guard) but couldn't/didn't execute any of the techniques I like from that position. No sweeps, no chokes, no armlocks. If you had told me before the match that my opponent would spend four minutes (of a 5 minute fight) inside my closed guard I would have felt very confident about it. As it was I lost by the narrowest of margins. Frustrating.

In the end it was a great experience, learned a lot. I hope to be back next year.

That's what I call quality

Superb exchange between my friend and I today, via IM:

me: btw, don't underestimate the india team's ability to fuck up even the most trivial formatting in ms word.
him: i don't underestimate their ability to fuck up anything
me: good policy.

Why is the president holding a Thundercats sword?

No idea in which alternate universe this photograph was taken, but it appears as though the POTUS is holding a Thundercats sword. I want to know where Thundercats is still on television so that I can move there, or at least have someone send me some videotapes for my VCR so I can watch it.

How is it possible that these products are still selling? They haven't been on TV for 20 years. (Not that I've checked or anything. Sheesh.)

Also, if this sword exists in this universe, why don't I have one already? This is a g-damn travesty. The dog would think it was the most epic chew toy ever. And unlike that recent episode with my brand my new shoes I wouldn't be annoyed when I caught her trying to eat it.

Bonus Edition Scrabble: Special rules for 'special' players

I hate to sound like a pretentious dick* but this decision to officially change the rules of Scrabble and sell multiple editions (a la Trivial Pursuit) is weak. Very, very weak. Weak to the point of reminding me of the following exchange with my friend David Dent:

Me: How's the party?
David: Weak.
Me: Would you say it was "Weak to Good" or "Weak to Quite Weak"?
David: I'm gonna go with "Quite Weak to F*cking Bullsh*t".

I feel similarly about this Scrabble decision. Place names? People's names? Brands??!?!? Just make some shit up. Most brands are just made-up words anyway, because all the regular words are taken. Like Accenture. What the f*ck does that even mean? Answer: it means nothing, but it sounds like it could mean something, and you better believe they spent a pile of money doing group testing before they selected it. Names? Those are made-up too, so just put whatever you want on the Scrabble board.

This new set of rules will be great for teenagers and people that can't be bothered to learn actual words, but I'll stick with the classic version. And so should you. (yay for life advice!)

Updated:
Quote from Steven Colbert (via Jeff):

"Just like the scrabble you grew up with, minus the scrabble."


*Not strictly true.

Schadenfreude Sloth in a sidecar

What, you don't like it?

Is this thing on?

Image courtesy icanhascheezeburger.com.
I don't have much to add except that I thought it was funny. The caption, not so much. But that cat peering into the lens of the camera? That's solid gold.

Is that good for me? / Nutritional supplements debunked

There are lots of misleading (and conflicting) claims about nutritional supplements. Someone decided to go and compile all the research and present the scientific evidence.

It's from http://www.informationisbeautiful.net but I'm giving the page a special post because it is dynamic and will be updated as new research is made available. Bitchin.

Go here: http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/play/snake-oil-supplements/

And stop pretending Vitamin C is good for a cold.

Why the graphic on passwords? Because it maps password effectiveness against actual password examples. And it's got "sociological categorization" at the bottom that I found hiliarious (graphic and quote courtesy iib/wherever he got it from - how's that for protecting your copyright?).

Special Good Friday Edition: Get Smarter - something for everyone!

Best thing about Good Friday? Lots of people off today. I'm not jealous, I'm just glad my commute was such a breeze.

Bonus links today, some old, some new.

Print this out, read it, feel yourself getting smarter. If you really like it then consider buying this or this. If that's not your thing then there's always the video of a monkey scratching his butt.

If words aren't your metier (maybe you're a more visual person) then you will probably enjoy http://www.informationisbeautiful.net, which is the source for this article about defense spending from the Guardian. Wonder where your tax money is being wasted? Review defense spending. Or just look at the pretty pictures. Either way, really.

Presidente? Presidente??

I laughed.

Facebook: strangely victorious

Responded to a post from a friend on lamebook and they hit me with the captcha verification thing. Oddly appropriate, though.

He's on your side. Really.

Guy that works down the hall for me runs a headhunting business. He and his partner focus on placing executives and high-level professionals. He's kind of loud and they always have their door open so I can often overhear his conversations (except when I'm dominating with some kind of techno or trance awesomeness). Every time he hangs up the phone he says something unkind and/or profane about the person. And I mean every time. Recent real-world examples:

"Yeah that sounds great I'll get back to you in a week. [hangs up] Loser."

"Yes we're actively looking to place you. We've got some leads we're working on. Okay, talk soon. [hangs up] Jesus CHRIST what a f*cking BABY! How OLD are you? Do you want me to hold your hand? F*CK!"

"Yeah no problem, talk to you later. [hangs up] That guy sucks."

"You're at the top of our list. I've got some calls out so I'll get back to you, uh huh, thanks. [hangs up] Unemployable f*ck. No wonder he doesn't have a job."

Sooo... that happens.

Not a great lunch. Not even a good lunch.

I've been craving a superb burrito. Unfortunately they are in short supply near my office in Irvine (city motto: "Better than Aliso Viejo, but only because it's a shorter drive to Newport or Costa Mesa."). So I'm left with a mediocre burrito, which is barely better than no burrito at all. It's a conundrum.

Moar Friday Funday: Internet memes are comedy gold

This is sort of like hangover bear, but with captions.

I love the word 'kraken'. I love that Liam Neeson says "Release the Kraken!" (at ~1:45) in the Clash of the Titans trailer because if I had a kraken I would be releasing that thing at every opportunity. (That's not a dick joke but if you want to make it a dick joke go ahead - I'll wait.)

Apparently I'm not the only one, because it spawned a series of kraken-related photos on the internets. Which I discovered here.

Special bonus content: 4chan bachelor frog. Not that I've done any of those things. Lately.

It's good to have goals (always)

You know what's better than this?



This:



(yeah I have featured it in this space before but whatever - brilliant goals against Manchester United never get old)

Friday Funday: Word problem- solution?

Original Problem:
Season tickets for men's basketball games cost graduate students $150 plus camping for a weekend. At this price, quantity demanded is 3 times quantity supplied, so a lottery is held at the end of the camp-out weekend. Lottery winners receive an entire season of tickets while losers receive nothing. Prior to learning who will win tickets, some students create groups in which they agree to divide the tickets evenly among the group. For simplicity, assume that there are 12 game tickets per season.
Does pooling change the mean number of game tickets that a student receives?
If two students agree to pool tickets, what are the odds that they will get some tickets (at least 1 set)?

This from Brian:
your odds of getting tickets for any PARTICULAR game (i.e., cal v ucla) should not change regardless of pooling or not, or the number of people in your pool.

Your odds of going to ANY game increases w/ pooling and the number of people your pool, up to 12 people. At more than 12 people the odds start to degrade according to some formula I have no desire to work out by some fraction, perhaps -1/12 per additional person?

My guess:
If you pool your resources then you increase your chance of winning but reduce the number of tickets you will win (if you do win). I guessed this because Supply = 3xDemand, so Demand = Supply/3. I figured for every 1 ticket package available (with 12 tickets), there are 3 students that want it. So your odds of winning are 1 in 3 (1/3).

Not sure what 'mean number of game tickets' is, so I can't answer that. If it is the chance of winning * the number of tickets you win, then for one person it is 1/3 x 12 = 4,
and it's the same whether you have 1, 2, 3 or however many people in your group.

for two people:
1/3 + 1/3 = 2/3 chance
2/3 chance * # tickets = 8 tickets
8 tickets / # people in group = 4

You have a 1/3 chance of winning, and your chance adds to their chance, so
1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 = 1
1 * # of tickets = 12
12 / number of people in your group (3) = 4

If two students pool their resources there is a 2/3 chance they will get some tickets.
1/3 chance + 1/3 chance = 2/3
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No idea if any of this is right. I'll post the answer when I hear back from my friend about her homework.

Word problems are my favorite

The readership here is not very large but it is overeducated. So you'll love this word problem that my friend sent me. It's not meant to be super challenging, just a probability refresher for those of you that enjoy that kind of thing.

I already sent my answer in, so I'll post that after y'all have had a chance to ruminate on this a little. I have no idea if my answer is right but I took a shot at it, if for no other reason to find out how wrong I am.

-------------------------
This is super annoying. i don't even remember how to do probability.

how do you do this. i need to answer the questions below.
Season tickets for men's basketball games cost graduate students $150 plus camping for a weekend. At this price, quantity demanded is 3 times quantity supplied, so a lottery is held at the end of the camp-out weekend. Lottery winners receive an entire season of tickets while losers receive nothing. Prior to learning who will win tickets, some students create groups in which they agree to divide the tickets evenly among the group. For simplicity, assume that there are 12 game tickets per season.
Does pooling change the mean number of game tickets that a student receives?
If two students agree to pool tickets, what are the odds that they will get some tickets (at least 1 set)?

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If that's too highbrow don't fret: we'll be bringing back the dick jokes in short order. (Get it! short order! Honk!)

Wait, you mean maybe it's not a big deal after all?

NFL talent evaluators are a couple decades behind common sense on this but apparently there are so many good players that have tried marijuana in this year's draft that it is forcing them to look more carefully at the players instead of eliminating them on principle.

The money quote:
It's almost as if we are having to figure out a new way to evaluate it as part of the character and background report, because it's so prevalent.

Welcome to the 21st century. I thought it was your job to evaluate each player individually, but that's probably too hard. No wonder players work to hide this information from you; you're a collection of reactionary morons.

Just to be clear, here's a sample list of jobs for which you are potentially unqualified if you smoked marijuana in college:
Running back in the NFL
Defensive back in the NFL
Defensive lineman in the NFL

And here's a job for which you are qualified if you're rejected by the NFL:
President of the United States of America

Also: Weird there hasn't been any concern over an 'epidemic' of vicodin use (aka heroin-lite). It's easier to get than weed, and also exponentially more dangerous. And I would bet that almost 100% of the players have used it at some point.

Jean Claude van Domination

Strong leg kick for the win.

Satellites are your friends

This isn't really news but it's interesting from a graphic-design standpoint.
And if you go to actual youtube page for the video you will laugh when you see the list of 'related videos'. I promise.

It's good to have goals (again)

Three goals from Leo Messi. It's a hat trick, and it's a grab bag of brilliance.
The first is a relatively routine header - poor marking, a great pass and clinical finish.

The third is a nice bit of hustle and a crisp, curling shot. A nice goal, certainly world-class, but he makes it look too easy.

The second goal? You'll be seeing that one in highlights for decades.

Is this a cross or a chip?

100318_FUL
Uploaded by 1513BB92024. - Parties, dorm life, and other college videos.
Some people are claiming this is a mis-hit cross. I don't buy that. It's floating too much, and it would have to be one of the worst mis-hit crosses to score a goal Ronaldinho scored against England in 2006. (I think it was 2006 - I'm too lazy to look it up.)

It really is superb, capping an epic comeback against Juventus at home to advance in the "europa league", which is for teams that don't qualify for Champions League (or get knocked out early).

Back on a regular schedule this week. I was on vacation most of last week, which would have been awesome if I didn't get sick and spend my vacation convalescing. Setback.

It's the little things (pun intended)

Everyone has a different opinion on what the perfect day looks like. On Friday my perfect day looked like this:

1. Ride motorcycle to gym.
2. Work out.
3. Get oil changed at moto shop. (HELL YEAH MOTORCYCLES.)
4. Have lunch with my friend Steve at TK Burger (best burgers around).
5. Go to Steve's house and play with his baby Chase (pictured). No photos of me holding the baby, but I did, and he didn't cry. Also not pictured: me feeding the baby (I did that too - he was nice enough not to barf on me but I couldn't get him to burp).
6. Ride home, visit with dog, eat dinner, play xbox.
7. Go to bed.

Sure you can come up with better stuff like 'vacation in Hawaii' or 'strolling the Ponte Vecchio' or whatever else, but how often do you get to do that? I cooked up a great day just by getting out of bed. Which is kind of awesome. I felt very lucky.

Special bonus: Babies are fun and all but I'm really glad I don't have one. It's way better to show up, goof around with them, and then hand them off when they start to cry. Or smell bad. Which doesn't take long with a newborn, I noticed. I'm looking forward to teaching Chase jiu-jitsu. Can't wait for that.

Get your dance on: The LXD

Some people liked the music, but I thought that the it was the weakest part of the performances, the krumping in particular. That's a minor quibble, though. I esp. enjoyed the ensemble piece that featured all the dancers.

How did we get this far? Plus: Shelving the online dating

I don't like to brag*, but this is post number 750 here at GJAW. So if you're looking to waste some time looking at my wasted time then you have come to the right place. Thanks for reading.

Viewership of the blogspace is way up since Google attached this thing to the Buzz. Gmail users will recognize 'Buzz' as everything that sucks about Facebook and Twitter**, now available from Gmail. Thanks Google.

Big news this week from cyberspace: I suspended the match.com account indefinitely. You really have to be in the mood for it because meeting new people is great and all but it's a lot of work. I've got guitar to play, books to read, gyms to go to, motorcycle riding to do, people to see. Not much time for coffee dates. In any case, here's some highlights from the last tour:

• Conflicted much? The girl who was shocked (SHOCKED!) that I don't believe in god and insisted that I accompany her to church (Saddleback). In the same conversation she asked me if I was into rough sex, and if I would be comfortable having sex with her in front of other people (because she was into that in a big way). Umm, no thanks. The end.
  
• People misrepresent themselves on the internet! (I know, I couldn't believe it either). The girl who claimed she lived in CDM but actually lived in Claremont. A mere 45 miles away, through some of the worst traffic IN THE NATION. Barf.
  
• The Special Bonus award for Crazy goes to the girl that IM'd me when I was on match, asked to talk on the phone. I gave her my number, so she called right away and started firing questions at me: What do you do? Where do you work? Where do you work out? What do you do there? Tell me about your job. What was your last relationship like? Are you skinny? Lean? (all of which was bizarre but whatever). When I tried to ask questions of my own (as you do when you're having a conversation) she cut me off and said, "That's not how people get to know each other, they get to know each other by asking questions - answer my questions." I'm thinking, it sounds like you need counseling, but maybe you're just socially awkward? Let's find out. 1 more minute of the Q&A and I tried to ask more questions, since it's impolite to talk about yourself at length, and also I get bored with me. She said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, people that can't talk about themselves have something to hide. That's a huge red flag for me. This isn't going to work out." And then she hung up. I was less surprised by the churchy/S&M girl than this weirdness. Awesome.
  

That's pretty much it. The other girls I met were normal. And I'm still single, if you hadn't heard.





* Not strictly true.
** There is nothing about Twitter that doesn't suck. Except this.

Moving this above the fold: Comments on the Christian Chain Mail post

Got some feedback on the post and thought it reasonable to give it more visibility.

Commenter said:
-----------------
Couldn't read it, all I got was a flash button and some music. But you're talking about idiots, not real Christians. Real Christians aren't racists and they don't play the race card. It's absolutely disgusting the number of them who get their brains switched off at the sight of forwards and pass them along just because the word "Jesus" is mentioned in them, and anything that tugs at their emotions whether it's bogus alarms, so-called "blessings" and anything that mentions "cancer" or something about one's own gender... As a Christian, I am dedicated to smashing chain letters to bits and ridiculing the sick hoaxters who come up with this crap. I am also TRYING to educate other Christians to wake up and smell the dang coffee, and get their heads out of the forwarding fog, and realize what is actually going on, and how they are doing everything wrong on the net when it comes to forwards. I'm also sick to death of nearly every person who complains about forwards turning out to be anti-Christian or at least believing all the wrong-headed negative stereotypes about Christians, and that most of the Christians seem to be completely oblivious and indifferent to this fact. http://ChristiansBreakingChainFwds.ning.com
---------------

This is an enlightened view and I applaud your efforts but it's an uphill battle.

The people that believe this stuff are Christians. They identify themselves as Christian, promote evangelical Christian views, thump the bible, go to church, pray to the cross, blah blah blah.

I'm not anti-Christian as much as I'm anti-stupid, which is what this kind of thing is. It goes hand in hand with thinking the United States has a divine right to world supremacy, teaching 'intelligent design' in public schools, that Barack Obama is trying to take over the world, "socialism", and quite a lot of other idiocy.

One of the most frustrating things about chain mail like this is that if it came from some other religious source people would throw it away immediately, because it's ridiculous. But since it's "Christian" people just eat it up.

Old people + the internet + christian chain mail = comedy gold

This is not for the faint of heart. My great-aunt, who is in her 70s (early 80s?) and is a good person for the most part (except where she doesn't like black people, and Mexicans, and immigrants, and watches way too much Fox news) never sends me anything but bizarro Christian chain mail bullshit. She's a caricature of the old person on the internet. A couple years ago she sent me that thing about cancer and johns hopkins. I usually let the garbage go without responding but I had to tell her the truth about that one because it was potentially harmful to the other people she sent it to. The ones that don't have any sense, I mean.

So it's been a couple years since I got anything new (the cancer thing didn't go over very well, even though I was nice about it) but the current crisis in this country has gotten me out of the doghouse. And I get stuff like this link, but first a warning - DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK IF YOU ARE NOT TOTALLY COMMITTED TO JESUS CHRIST IN ALL HIS POWER AND GLORY - SERIOUSLY, DO NOT DO IT.

And by "POWER AND GLORY" I mean the complete disregard for correct grammar, spelling, syntax, flash animation, logic, restraint, and common sense.

On the other hand this link was very effective, because the first words out of my mouth when I saw it were: "jesus. christ." Followed shortly by "What the f*ck is wrong with people?"

Jersey Shore dog? (And I don't mean that troll snookie)

This from my friend Lindsay who looooooves animals. Which is good, because she has two of the most retarded dogs in America. Not because she spoils them, but because they have behavior and health problems she's had to work through from their pre-Lindsay lives. And also because they are retarded.

She sent this from her crackberry so I added the paragraph breaks but left in the typos for authenticity.

I forgot to tell you on friday I took the dogs to daycare and when I got there I got the odd energy like something happened. So this guy goes to the front desk person should I get the dogs she says yes but he stays and she says I have to talk to you about maddie so I am thinking oh shit what happened now.

Well apparently the guy who was standing there is new and apparently maddie does not like new people because she bites them when they let her out of her crate and she does not know them. So they let maddie out and she runs up and bites the guy right in the crotch. Why the hell would she do that.

The guy was fine and after they brought her and him in the interview and she was totally fine with him no aggression. I felt terrible obviously and the guy wa totally fine and he did not seem to care. He was wierd so maybe he gave off wierd energy.

When I got to my car I was laughing so hard why the hell would she run up and bite a crotch and not jusy bite the leg and then we did not get kicked out. How could they not kick us out they were like we love the dogs maddie is not a ba dog. I was like um she is a bad dog.

The other funny thing is a dog got kicked out for herding the dogs too much and maddie bites a crotch and we are still in. I thought you would enjoy that story.

I did get her an ed hardy wannabe collar so maybe her jersey shore side is coming out

Look twice for motorcyclists

Part of the new UK campaign to personalize motorcyclists and encourage other motorists to treat them as people and less as objects to avoid or ignore.

Courtesy HFL.

Twilight: Porn for chicks

In response to this from Brian:
twilight is a phenomenon I don't think males can properly comprehend. my lady read, in this order: the first three twilight books, in defense of food, last twilight book, the fountainhead, and the entire twilight series again.

My friend Jeff and I were talking about Twilight and he said that his roommate Arash explained the Twilight phenomenon to him as 'porn for chicks'. Not sure if Arash came up with the idea on his own or if he overheard it, but I think it makes sense.

What he means is that the Twilight books meet a need in their female audience in the same way that porn meets a need in men. Whatever it is in the twilight books that makes girls go nuts for it, they're not getting it anywhere else (that I'm aware of), so credit to Meyer for being able to package that up and deliver it on the printed page. And they keep coming back to it (which is the amazing part).

You might think it's a pile of steaming shit (as I do), but your girl probably thinks the same thing about Playboy. So in that context I think it's possible to understand Twilight very well.

Unrelated: I love this jam. The video is a bit much but whatever. Open it in a different tab and just let the magic wash over you.

No one roots for Goliath (except me)

Wilt Chamberlain was awesome. I mean that in both the 'awe-inspiring' sense of the word, and also in the 'totally bitchin' sense. Not because of the '20,000 women' thing, which was a statement he came to regret (and almost certainly a gross prevarication), but because he was one of a kind. And because he is one of those stars whose achievements loom larger in history than they did at the time. In other words, the further away they get, the more amazing they become (Joe Dimaggio's 56 game hit streak is another good example).

Very much enjoyed this article:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/joe_posnanski/03/02/wilt.chamberlain/index.html?eref=sihp

Excerpt:

I don't mean that as some literary device. I mean physically. Chamberlain towered over Chenowith. It was like some kind of optical illusion. There was something about Chamberlain that contradicted scales and height charts. There was something about the way that Chamberlain carried himself that made him look, really look, larger than life.

Does Pandora know something I don't?

I don't like to read too much into the music that Pandora delivers, but sometimes I just can't help myself. This track, in particular, seems very danceable. And kind of makes me want to take my shirt off.*

Awkward?







* Before you cue up Pandora for your local dinner party be sure your playlist is either thoroughly vetted or fairly narrow in scope. If not you might get some weird europop mid-dinner and have splainin' to do.

Well allow me to retort: Buy an ipod touch

I have a long and difficult history with Apple products. I was a big proponent early on in my computer-using life but as my level of technical expertise grew I stopped drinking the Kool-Aid. But I have to admit: the ipod touch is one kickass good toy, especially in its current 64GB iteration.

My friend says:
And let the iphone go, its a tired misguided hatred. Almost everyone i know who has one absolutely adores it. Can you say that for any another phone/device? Oh well perhaps the i-pod. I stand corrected.

To which I say:
No. I reject the phone-ness of the iphone. As a handheld computer the iphone is the coolest thing there is (at least today). It has no competition. You can't even compare it to the droid (which is pretty nice). As a device for talking and texting it's a joke; my enV3 is far superior (and cheaper). So the ipod touch is, as my iphone-owning co-worker said, "the iphone without the shitty phone bits!"

Features that are unacceptable in a phone (touchscreen, no insurance, no way to change battery, and shite service and coverage) are either awesome (touchscreen) or irrelevant in the touch. Plus you get all the iphone stuff that makes people forget how weak the phone is. Which makes the ipod touch one of the coolest toys you can get your hands on.

PS. How f'd up is that kool-aid commercial?

I thought this was fake. It isn't.

Friend forwarded me this little gem:

http://www.eyecandybikinibar.com/

I use the word 'gem' very loosely. It seems like it might be a good business idea (because Hooters hasn't already cornered the market?) but then you take a look at the 'picture gallery' and you know you probably won't be stopping by any time soon. Then you go to the testimonials. And it makes your day:

Eye Candy is a great place to pick up Chicks ever since they opened I have bin getting laid on a regular basis.
-Ed da Silva
8765 gtrsa

My new hangout for sure! Ladies week was great, ladies Saturday night specials and RICH guys. The hot bartenders in bikinis bring in the guys and now with Ladies promos the gals are now coming in...keep up the specials!
-Stella

My new hang out. Good energy and easy on the eyes!
-DAVIDIAN
Irvine, CA

A great place to stop in and meet some friends, have a drink and relax. Great people, fun atmosphere and great owners, I heartily recommend Eye Candy Bikini Bar.
-Stephen Hill
Laguna Niguel, CA

Prevalent use of groove

Decided to go ahead and pay $36 for a year's subscription to Pandora. It really is a good deal, esp. considering you can stream the commercial-free music anywhere with an internet connection and a computer, or anywhere with a wifi connection if you have an ipod touch.* Or if you listen to music all day at work like I do.

So they break up the music into categories and assign definitions and some of them make sense ("four on the floor beats" - perhaps indicating music in 4/4 time?) but some of them are probably the product of some late nights and an abundance of hippie lettuce. My personal favorite is "prevalent use of groove". I want to get it printed on a t-shirt. I want people to say it when they describe me. "That dude, he makes prevalent use of groove." I want people to see me and know it instinctively.

The truth is it doesn't really describe me. I'm not cool like that. But a guy can dream, right?




* Yeah I hate touchscreens and loathe the iphone but the touch is everything that is cool about the iphone without the parts that don't work (i.e. the 'phone'). I was going to get a tablet thing but they are expensive and only 64GB of memory? Seriously? I can get that in an ipod touch. Weakest of sauces.

Online dating fail: Lie if you have to

The Fat Kid is still kicking around over in dating cyberspace. It's a fun distraction if nothing else.

No really great stories lately, but I have come across some good profiles. Here's one that sums up all the fail I've come to enjoy when someone fills out the "Last read" section:

The last book I read was The five love languages, US Weekly, and Twilight.

Translated, that means:
The last book I read was [some bullshit about why I'm single], [some bullshit about why famous people are single], and [teenage fantasy bullshit].

The last book I read was Dune in my list of Last Read books? Because I'm pretty sure it isn't. No wonder you're lonely. Also, I read it in high school. If you're going to throw Twilight in there at least balance it out with something not-awful.

Doing time at Riker's - get your dental issues sorted before you get there

Lil Wayne apparently isn't much for oral hygiene.

But he does has some shiny dental work. Platinum teef, as opposed to a platinum grill.

http://www.slate.com/id/2245622/

Excerpt:

The surgery was reported to have included eight root canals and other work on his gold- and diamond-encrusted teeth, which he claims are worth $150,000.

Lord help me I want to slap this guy in the face

I could give a shit about Tiger Woods. He plays golf, he's good at it, whatever. Rich white people everywhere feel better about themselves because he's sort of almost black and they like him. As a person he's... no idea, because I've never met him. As a media product he's paper thin, heavily controlled, and very well packaged. His highly public transgressions made for hilarious reading over on wwtdd.com, and I confess that I enjoyed that very much.

What the hell is the guy in this video doing? He's a professional announcer. This baglicking sack of mouthfart can't even get the words out after Woods deigned to speak to the media and assembled 'friends'. How about a little perspective? People are dying in wars all over the world. People in Haiti are about to start dying of dysentery and cholera. I'm turning 36 tomorrow. Fuck.

Turning 36, updating the online dating

The Fat Kid is turning 36 tomorrow. I'm ambivalent about it. On the one hand, turning 36. On the other hand, motorcycle. Trying to keep it in perspective. Or something. Motorcycle definitely helps. So does family & friends that care about me. If you're reading this, you're almost certainly one of those people.

In unrelated news I'm still trolling the internet for social opportunities over on match.com. I updated my tagline. It was 'Let's not ruin this moment with words', which I liked. Now it says "I'm eco-friendly in that I like cute girls that are into recycling & yoga", which regular readers may remember as a joke that I used in this space. I re-purposed it because I thought it was funny and it's actually true. Not sure what the talent will think. I'll let you know.

So how has my experience been so far? Well it hasn't been much. Definitely more opportunities than a typical week at work, the gym, and the other gym, so in that regard it's worth the $40. Barely.

Ps. Tiger Woods is a jackass.

Total Domination

Shaun White is kind of annoying in that overexposed, media-product sort of way. But he's also really good at what he does, and this superb essay goes a long way towards explaining why that is compelling entertainment.

Excerpt:

White is the most dominant American athlete at these Olympics. The gap between the Tomato and the other snowboarders is so immense that even a layman can see it. Watching from the bottom of the hill during training runs, it's easy to spot White from far away—before you make out his bib number, his team colors, or even his hair. You just watch for the dot that flies twice as high as the other dots.

I'm on a horse

Almost makes me want to buy some old spice body wash. Almost.

Economics of flying: Lose the weight

I had to sit next to an obese person on a cross-country flight earlier this year. It sucked. He should have bought two seats.

A lot of hot air has been kicked around (presumably by fat people, who are easily over-exerted) because Kevin Smith got booted from a flight for being too big to fit in his seat. (He had bought two seats but was flying standby and they didn't have two seats available - so he knows he doesn't fit in one seat.) An overweight person over on Salon weighs in with a sympathetic viewpoint. Leaving out the parts about being humiliated for being fat, let's examine the economics a bit more closely.

An overweight person buys a ticket. Roughly speaking, a ticket is a contract that gives you a seat on a plane. You know how big it is. You need to fit in it. If you cannot fit in the seat then you can buy two seats. It's not discrimination if you don't fit in the seat. No one is preventing you from flying. Other seats are available for more money; if you can't afford them that's tough luck. It's like buying a car that you don't like because it's cheap. If you're unhappy, buy a nicer car. If you can't afford a nicer car you need to adjust expectations or you're going to be very unhappy.

Also: It's very important to appreciate how much weight a plane can carry, whether it's passengers, mail, sweet Colombian flake, fuel, whatever. All else being equal, it's cheaper for the airline to fly skinny people than fat people. They would never tell you that, but they would looooove it if every flight was full of olympic gymnasts with only carry-ons, because they would save a shitload of money on gas. In other words: grossly overweight people that pay for only one ticket and then spill into your seat are actually driving the cost of your ticket UP at the same time as they are invading your personal space. So if you see someone get bounced off a plane, I don't think it's humiliating, I think I'm saving some money on a future ticket. (That's why you have to pay for luggage now, because airlines are losing money and luggage is heavy and expensive.)

In summary: I'm hungry.

Vegas 1, Spencer 0

A lot can happen in the greater Las Vegas Metro area. I had a good time in Vegas this weekend, but not as much fun as my roommate. Just embrace the before / after / after-after sequence of photos.

I didn't end up on roof of caesar's, but he almost did, because I was ready to punt him up there. It was a very long day, started at 1030 am, drinking beers at a rugby tournament. Did that all day, then had a short break where everyone but me & Spencer got rest. Spencer didn't get any rest because he drank TWO 5 Hour Energy drinks in 25 minutes. That's 600 minutes of energy in 25 minutes. So he was running in circles in the hotel room while I was trying to get some shuteye. Doing jumping jacks, etc. Not kidding. (His liver must be made of adamantium. They should get NASA to study it. I think it could beat up Wolverine. Or China.) Then we went out to dinner and the clubs until 6 AM.

Since I was up at 6 am in the car just one day earlier it was a tough go. Spencer was so cockeyed he rode the whole way home in the trunk of the SUV with the luggage, curled up in the fetal position.

He followed that up with a quiet, introspective afternoon on the couch. It was the Daytona 500 so he put his racing hat on.

Not sure this qualifies as 'huge'

Title of this vid is 'huge sled jump goes wrong'. I think huge is giving it a lot of credit. It's more like 'sled jump goes wrong' or 'sled jump results in guy getting hit in the groinballs'.

That's my roommate at the end of the human chain, getting pummeled by the sledder. If you listen closely you can hear the 'oh crap' just before the sled hits the ramp. Way to hang in and take it on the jumbly bits, buddy.

It's Hard Trance / Techno Anthem MuthaF*ckin FRIDAY over here. If you haven't been following on lamebook (and why would you?) we've been working our way up to it all week. Gotta get through the week somehow. Plus I got a new short-term neighbor in the office next door. Not sure if he's the Hard Trance / Techno Anthem MuthaF*ckin' FRIDAY type, but I expect to find out today. KICK OUT THE JAMS!!! SOMEBODY GET ME A GLOWSTICK!

What I'm not doing this weekend

Going to Vegas this weekend. Won't be doing this. It's too cold for pool parties. So I'll leave my shirt on. Might still wear the hat though.

From the outside looking in

My feelings about creationism have already been covered in this space before. Here's the short version: It's bunk, and there is no 'debate' in the credible scientific community. Evolution is a fact, and until you provide scientific evidence of creationism it will be taught in theology class, along with the other creation myths.

So I find this particularly entertaining:
School's sacking of Christian science teacher divides town in Bible belt

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/feb/10/brand-cross-christian-science-teacher

Sample paragraph:
While the school board would appear to have a commanding case, Freshwater and his supporters managed to persuade a large part of the town, on the edge of the Appalachia region, popularly regarded as culturally backward and home to about three dozen churches and an evangelical university, that the issue is about his religious rights.

It isn't, but you can't expect a zealous Christian to understand that.

VNV Nation is good for you

This is a warmup for Hard Trance / Techno Anthem Friday. Just so you know what we've got on the jukebox. You can hit 'play' and just shrink the window. Track is audio only. Or you can hit play and review my words of wisdom further down the page. Either way.

Froomin, meet Butt

Imagine introducing Frank Butt and Marty Froomin, two members of the SJSU faculty, to one another:

Me: Froomin, Butt
Butt: Froomin
Me: Butt, Froomin
Froomin: Butt

Online dating, but also blogging

The fat kid decided to re-enter cyberspace, look for some social opportunities. (Read: excuses to get out of the house.) I have described it (repeatedly) as a waste of time. It still is, but I've got time to waste. So here we are.

Last time around I expected to get some good results. I didn't, so this time we are setting our sights a little lower. And we're going to make sure to share any good stories in this space.

Yes that is an actual screencap of my profile. Feel free to get on match.com and review it for yourself if you've also got some time to waste.

First things first, age is just a number it's cramping my style. The cutoff for many of my potential matches(late 20's, early 30's) is 35, so my birthday next week is seriously fucking up my program. Looks like I'm going to have to win some hearts and minds. Good thing I'm so g-damn handsome. Must be all those years of clean living. Or something.

The internet delivers: Photos (again)

This is flying around the internet at the speed of the nation's T1 connection, so apologies if you've seen it already.

It's still funny.

Hat tip to Scott for sending it to me.

Now with video!

Someone posted this sweet video:



with the comment: 4:51

in response to this post from me:

In unrelated news, Roger Federer has romped to the final of another major tournament (2010 Australian Open), which gives us an opportunity to revisit one of my all-time favorite authors. This 2006 piece by D. F. Wallace doesn't finish as strongly as it starts, but it's still superb. An example:
----
Anyway, that’s one example of a Federer Moment, and that was merely on TV — and the truth is that TV tennis is to live tennis pretty much as video porn is to the felt reality of human love.
----
Way to plus it, internet!

Was there a football game this weekend?

I decided that this week is going to be better than last week. Even when I get my (probably bad) tax news on Wednesday, it will be a step in the right direction. In an effort to set the proper tone I'm posting pics of my motorcycle. Because motorcycles are awesome, but some are more awesome than others.

Next week it's my birthday week so GET EFFING EXCITED.

Congrats, Saints!

How much is that information worth to you?

I got a fix-it ticket earlier this week for having tinted windows. I've been driving with windows of the same tint for the past 8 years (7 in one car, and 1 in another). Not sure how many cops I've driven past, but it's a lot. I've even been pulled over on other bullshit but not cited (I say bullshit because the cop thought I was a teenager out after curfew and pulled me over because my car was new and didn't have plates installed yet - this also says something about my taste in cars but whatever). So the tinted windows thing is arbitrary and ridiculous. It's not the law that bugs me, it's the arbitrary enforcement, and the fact that I have to get my tint removed, ticket signed off, and then get my windows re-done. So why write a ticket at all? Are you in league with the window tint guys? Or just bored?

That was an added expense I can't afford right now, so in an effort to save some money on gas I drove my motorcycle in to work yesterday.* When I got home I had a $55 ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant. Not in a red zone, because the curb was unmarked. The minimum distance is 15', which I did not know. If I did know I might not have parked my car there, in front of my house, EVERY DAY for the past THREE MONTHS. I'd rather not pay $55 for that information, but the price is fixed. Maybe they can use the money to paint the curb?

Total tickets this week: 2
Total tickets in previous 3 years (put together): 1 (parking ticket in newport - expired meter)



*San Clemente is miserable. It's a shit suburb of nowhere with all the originality and charm of a McDonalds built inside a Starbucks. In that regard it's similar to the other 'bedroom communities' in south county, but it has the added disadvantage of being closer to Camp Pendleton (hooray for bad haircuts and acid-washed jeans) and further from places you might actually want to go (Laguna? Newport?). Never thought I'd suggest that Aliso Viejo was better than anywhere, but it's better than San Clemente, which is pretty much the last word on how bad San Clemente sucks.

Never underestimate the power of fear. Or ignorance.

Actual conversation I just had in the break room with the lady in adjacent office.

Her: I'm glad I don't have a Toyota right now - I used to have one and if I still did I'd be a little nervous.

Me: Why?

Her: It's scary, don't you think? Why are they doing this huge recall if nothing is wrong?

Me: No it isn't. They are doing the recall in response to the fear that was created by the news, not in response to the problem itself. These parts fail at a rate that is statistically insignificant to the point that Toyota cannot determine if a problem even exists, never mind fix it.

Her: Well, it's not an issue for me any more since I drive a Honda now.

Me: Honda uses the same part. [Punches self in face.]

I heart the internet

ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

It's up to you

Terry Pratchett used to be my favorite author. I have read almost all his books (and there are many); he's responsible for fleshing out (pun intended) some of my favorite characters of all time.

He was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease. He has also begun to campaign for the rights of those diagnosed with fatal diseases to die on their own terms. He proposes 'assisted death tribunals', which is a court of arbitration that will decide whether or not you should be allowed to make this kind of decision.

Regardless of how you feel about a person's right to die, Pratchett raises an interesting point. Specifically: very often someone that wants to die is accused of being insane or irrational, and the people providing the 'care' are held up as rational and sane. "He's not in his right mind," they'll say. "He doesn't know what he wants, that's just the dementia talking." Is it really?

This was covered very interestingly in the book The Corrections by J. Franzen. One of the main characters suffers from Parkinson's disease, and as his life falls to pieces he becomes increasingly desperate to bring it to an end. The other characters treat this as a symptom of his dementia, but it's actually a symptom of clarity. Imagine his distress when his 'caregivers' treat his few truly lucid thoughts as insanity.

Why shouldn't you have a right to make a choice about your life? It's yours, after all. If you can take the whole of your relationships into account and you determine that you would rather not deteriorate slowly into dementia then you should be able to manage it however you want.

Make yourself at home

Out sick today. Slept in really late, ate cookies in cereal for lunch*, and was all set to get back to my afternoon nap and guess who beat me to it? It's my fault for leaving my door open so invitingly. At least she didn't chew any more of the buttons off my duvet, although she did bring my shirt into the bed for some company. Not sure if she had a chance to snack on any of the buttons on the shirt. It's one of her vices, buttons.

As I type this she's headed back towards my room again after a brief trip outside to tell the neighbor's dog to pipe down. A girl gets tired barking at the neighbors.




*Homemade chocolate chip cookies in the bottom of a bowl of crispix, if you must know. It's probably better for you than, say, a breakfast burrito, but not as good as a bowl of oatmeal. (Unless you make oatmeal the Irish way, in which case it's more like a bowl of butter with brown sugar and a splash of oats w/ cream on top. If you do make oatmeal this way, why haven't you invited me over for breakfast? )

"Me has this report."

This is why I don't watch the news. Because television is dumb, and television news is, like, dumber.