11 September 2013

Rick Rescorla

Rick Rescorla died exactly 12 years ago today.

Mr. Rescorla showed courage in the face of adversity. The word hero gets thrown around way too much. It is an apt description in this case.

There are tends of thousands of 9/11 tributes. This is the one I come back to. 



Copied the images and text from Badass of the Week, so you should go there for more information and sweet profiles. This isn't plagiarism, because I don't claim that these words belong to me. Instead it's a blatant copyright violation, but I'm not running any advertisements and won't publish it for money, so hopefully he doesn't mind too much. I copied it not because I think it will generate tons of traffic in my little corner of the blogspace, but because I feel strongly about it.

Visit Badass of the Week every Friday for an awesome new profile.



"My God, it was like Little Big Horn.  We were all cowering in the bottom of our foxholes, expecting to get overrun.  Rescorla gave us courage to face the coming dawn.  He looked me in the eye and said, 'When the sun comes up, we're gonna kick some ass.'"


From both a military and a civilian capacity, it's hard to argue with the statement that Rick Rescorla is one of the greatest heroes in modern American history.  This is pretty damn impressive, especially considering that he was British and everything.

Cyril Richard Rescorla was born in Cornwall, on the southwest tip of England, in 1939.  A rugby star and high school shot put champion growing up, it soon became apparent that the whole book-learning thing really wasn't as appealing to young Rick as a good old-fashioned ass-whipping was.  So as soon as this adventure-hungry athlete turned 16 he quit school, joined the British military, and dedicated the majority of his life to pummeling the ever-loving cock-and-balls off of Communist douchebags wherever he could find them.
Rescorla's first deployment in Her Majesty's Service was as a Military Intelligence officer on the island of Cyprus, where he spent the period from 1957 to 1960 digging up intel on Communist activities and doing a bunch of other presumably-badass clandestine shit that I wasn't able to dig much info up about.  After that ended, he transferred to British Rhodesia in 1960, where he spent the next three years running through the bush with an assault rifle battling Communists in Angola and Zimbabwe as a member of the British South African Police.  Serving as a military policeman in a brutal conflict between British-backed South African security forces and Soviet-sponsored Commie pinko bastards, Rescorla proved himself a capable warrior, a natural leader, and a hardcore battering ram of a human being, and he gained valuable combat experience putting his spit-shined shoes and an Enfield rifle straight up the asses of anyone who didn't think that Karl Marx was a fucking jackass in the first place.


After transferring out of Rhodesia in 1963, Rick Rescorla suddenly found himself in something of a dilemma:  He'd run out of asses to kick.  This was only a temporary problem, however, because even though there was a short lull in the seemingly-never-ending British blood feud with the forces of Marxism, (according to him, Britain was simply "fresh out of wars to fight"), Rick Rescorla went out and did the rational thing, which was of course to move to the United States and enlist in the American army so that he could fucking ship out to Southeast Asia and fight in the goddamned Vietnam War.
Now think about this shit for a second.  Vietnam is one of the most horrifically brutal conflicts the United States has ever been involved in.  Thousands of good men died in the blood-soaked jungles of 'Nam, battling a cunning enemy in miserable conditions in a conflict that was largely unsupported by civilians on the home front.  Many people in the States – actual native-born Americans – were burning their draft cards and bras and a bunch of other random flammable shit and then running away to Canada to listen to Hippie music just so that they could avoid having to go over there and get their balls blown off by bouncing betty mines, yet here Rick Rescorla was, voluntarily transferring his national allegiance solely for the purposes of serving as an infantry officer in a war where the average life expectancy for a new Lieutenant on combat patrol was about 16 minutes.


Rescorla was on the ground at the very beginning of the Vietnam Shitstorm, and as a platoon leader in the 7th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Air Cavalry Division, he ended up participating in the first major American battle in 'Nam – the bloody Battle of Ia Drang in November of 1965.  While serving in the same Regiment that used to belong to George Armstrong Custer (and the same Division as the fictional Colonel Kilgore from Apocalypse Now), Rescorla found himself in a desperate position, fighting over a small chunk of ground about 10 miles from the Cambodian Border.  The 2nd Battalion of the 7th Cav had been manning a defensive line when suddenly, in the middle of the night, they found themselves face-to-face with three full regiments of crack North Vietnamese Army soldiers.  The NVA troops launched a massive assault at the entire battalion line, badly mauling C Company over the course of the evening.  Rescorla was in B Company, which had managed to hold the line despite being badly outnumbered, but now he and his already-exhausted soldiers were called over to reinforce the weakened position once held by C Company.

Now, Rick Rescorla was a lifelong soldier, and while many of his men were seeing their first live-fire combat action and were dangerously close to losing their shit, this guy was already an old pro, and he knew how to handle frightened soldiers.  Belting out traditional Cornish folk songs in his mighty British accent, Rescorla personally got out there to dig foxholes, clear the brush to establish firing lanes, and reinforced the defensive perimeter like he was out pulling fucking dandelions from his garden back home.  His men were encouraged by the sight, and that night, when the 100 men of B Company were bum-rush attacked by over 2,000 NVA soldiers, Rescorla kept singing, inspiring his exhausted men to hold off four separate large-scale assaults between 4 and 6am.  Then, as if beating down a 20-to-1 onslaught of AK-47 wielding hardened troops wasn't enough, once the sun came up Rick Rescorla, who by this point was Jack Bauer-ing it on 48 hours of non-stop fighting without sleep, personally rallied his men led a goddamned bayonet charge that drove off the last remnants of the enemy troops.  Calling out orders like he was fucking Wellington at Waterloo, this guy kept his men in formation to "charge bayonets", and, after the attack drove the enemy out of the position, he went on to single-handedly wipe out a machine gun nest with a grenade in just for good measure (chucking grenades, incidentally, isn't much different than hefting a shot put).


The image of Rescorla advancing with bayonet was used as the cover
of We Were Soldiers Once.. And Young

But staring down three Regiments with a single Company and killing over 200 of the enemy while losing just 6 men wounded from his own unit wasn't the only fighting Rescorla would see during Ia Drang.  As he and his worn-out troops were being evacuated from their positions by helicopter, riding off into the sunset like the end of Contra, Rescorla got the word that the main body of the battalion was being hit hard by a night attack ambush.  This guy wasn't about to let that shit go down – he ordered his chopper pilot to get right into the middle of the clusterfuck and drop him off so he could commence shit-kicking immediately.

The pilot circled around, Rescorla and the men in his bird jumped the 10 feet to the ground amid a swirling cross-fire of machine gun and mortar fire, and ten minutes later the British-American Lieutenant was seen casually sauntering up to the American foxholes holding an M79 Grenade Launcher in one hand and an M-16 assault rifle in the other.  From what I understand, this is a man who loved the smell of napalm in the morning.


Rescorla fought off the attack, then captured a French bugle from a dead NVA officer.
He didn't officially become a U.S. citizen until 2 years after the battle.

According to Hal Moore, the Vietnam vet author of We Were Soldiers, Rescorla was, "the greatest platoon commander I have ever seen," but it was the crazy stories about this guy that really made him a semi-mythical entity among the American troops.  I mean, the fucking guy's call sign was "Hard Corps One-Six," for crying out loud.  This is a man who would be out there running laps barefoot every morning, and allegedly the soles of his feet were so toughened up from this regimen that he could put a campfire out by stepping on it.  There are stories of him walking into an NVA foxhole, seeing a bunch of enemy officers, and calmly saying, "Oh, pardon me," before smoking the room with machine gun fire.  Another tale has some Private flipping out Vincent D'Onofrio style and pulling a .45 on his commanding officer, and Rescorla (who was sharpening his Bowie knife at the time) just got up, walked right over to the guy, and just said, "Put.  The gun.  Down."  The dude did, and Rescorla went back to sharpening his knife.

After serving as a platoon leader, Rescorla became a recon scout for the battalion.  Basically, him and three other dudes would run around the wilderness scouting ahead, looking for ambushes, minefields, and other horrible shit, and then if they didn't accidentally fall into the trap they'd come back and report.  This wasn't easy (duh), but Rescorla was so good at it that he ended up teaching classes in reconnaissance and guerilla warfare at Fort Benning.  Also, he survived the war, which should also give you an indication of how hardcore this dude was.

"I knew him as a hundred-and-eighty-pound, six-foot-one piece of human machinery that would not quit, that did not know defeat, that would not back off one inch.  In the middle of the greatest battle of Vietnam, he was singing to the troops, saying we’re going to rip them a new asshole, when everyone else was worrying about dying."

Hard Corps One-Six left 'Nam with a Silver Star and a Bronze Star, got a law degree in Oklahoma, taught Criminal Justice at the University of South Carolina, and retired from the Army reserve in 1990 with the rank of Colonel.  He later got a job as director of security for Morgan Stanley Dean Witter, where he was tasked with ensuring employee safety for one of the world's largest financial institutions.

Rick Rescorla died almost exactly 10 years ago today.  He was at his post on the 44th floor of World Trade Center Tower 1 on September 11, 2001, when a psychotic madman flew a passenger airliner into the building.  When the Port Authority came over the loudspeaker in the building and ordered everyone inside to stay put, Rescorla muttered "Bugger that Blimy Poppycock" (or something equally British) under his breath, and flipped his brain right back into Commanding Officer mode.  It wasn't his first time dealing with a terrorist attack on his place of employment – in 1993, when a truck bomb went off in the basement of the Tower, Rescorla had evacuated his offices, helping everyone out until he was the last man to leave the building – and he wasn't taking any chances this time either.  He grabbed a bullhorn and personally ran up and down the 22 floors that encompassed Morgan Stanley Dean Witter headquarters, quickly and calmly getting everyone out of their cubes and down the stairs.  Rushing up and down the building despite the fact that he was 62 years old and dying from terminal bone marrow cancer, Rescorla didn't even consider slowing down until all 2,700 of his co-workers were safely out of the burning building.  When he saw how terrified the men and women he worked with were, he went back to his old standby of singing British folk songs to try and cheer them up.

He was last seen on the tenth floor of the World Trade Center, headed up.  Of the 2,700 people he had been charged with protecting, all but 6 survived the terrorist attack.

10 September 2013

WMDumb

The POTUS painted himself into a corner with some inane rhetoric about the use of chemical weapons in Syria constituting a 'red line'. Whatever that means.

The Oatmeal summarizes the hypocrisy very concisely. You can kill 100,000 people with bullets but as soon as you gas 1400 it's a big deal. The US should keep their nose out of Syria. Traditionally my foreign policy strategy has been described as 'isolationist'. I prefer 'TS-YOYO', which stands for "Tough Shit - You're on Your Own".

I don't care how many Syrians are affected / displaced / inconvenienced / killed. Also, unlike most Syrians, I'm a taxpaying registered voter in the United States. If you care deeply about the plight of the Syrians you should go there and help them unfuck themselves in person. Good luck with that. Don't do it through the broader aegis of the insatiable US Military Industrial complex. (We already prop up plenty of other countries, such as Israel, which gets support all out of proportion to its strategic value because American Jews as a group are consistent voters.)

America has no business getting involved in a conflict that has nothing to do with them. Sure there are 'moral implications', but if you feel strongly then you should get directly involved on the ground, not make our armed forces do the heavy lifting because you're too cowardly and/or lazy. If you want to protect the 'innocent' by all means: go and do. I wish you the best. There's a strong chance you will get killed or worse, but you're committed to the cause, right? No? Oh. Then why are you asking the military to do your dirty work?

We are not the world's moral enforcement arm. Setting aside my personal TS-YOYO views on the plight of individual Syrians, there is no evidence that any type of intervention in Syria will achieve a specific strategic aim, even in best case scenarios. There is no exit strategy that leaves Syria better off that does not cost an absurd amount of money and take an indefinite amount of time.

How about we recoup some of the trillions of dollars we sharted away in Iraq before we pitch in on a civil war in another shitburger country? Do you know how many roads you can build with two trillion dollars? How many people you can put to work? How much stuff you can build? How much training you can do? How many weapons you can build? How much health care you can provide? How many people you can educate? How many lives you can improve on a day to day basis? 

Blowing shit up is expensive and the long-term ROI is terrible. It's like feeding money into a wood chipper. Eventually you run out of money and you're left with a big mess to clean up. You can do this in the name of nation building or 'humanitarianism' or whatever other fabricated excuse you want to use but it's all the same thing: bullshit.

Enough.

Get that Money

Bands Make Her (?) Dance
Regular visitors know how much we (majestic plural) love sloths around here.

We (maj. pl.) are not alone, and some clever wag decided to paint a masterpiece of a sloth on a stirpper pole. Awwwww, yeahhhhh. You can buy your own print, but I think the magic belongs in the digital universe.

Advantage: Internet

09 September 2013

Feeling Blue

AWKWARRRRRRD
We love our naturalism jokes in this corner of the blogspace.

More Audio Goodness - La Mer


This song was featured at the end of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. (Great movie, btw.)
Anyway, I thought it was fun. Julio Iglesias, singing in the French, because of course. Plus: a horn section.

I guess you can download this version for free if you look around. I'm too lazy.
Some readers will recognize another version of this tune from a very popular video game. Crossover appeal! I'm enjoying this 70's arrangement, although the organ and synths (strings?) feel dated the vocal is strong.

07 September 2013

Life's Rich Pageant


Because: Darth Vader
Because: Bagpipes
Because: Flames
Because: The Internet
Because: America

:: bows head in reverence ::

06 September 2013

The People Have Spoken and They Declare for Hot Jams



Big Cheese comments on that mix embedded in previous post below from WORLD FAMOUS DJ TIESTO:

simply world class, truly exceptional. I actually hate the first track [ed: Destiny's Child - Say My Name (Cyril Hahn remix)] cuz its so good I cant get it out of my head. I have listened to this at least 15 times through. 

Agreed. It's one of those things that if someone told you how great it was you wouldn't believe it. But: here it is, and damn. Plus that first track is the hot jam. HOT LIKE FIRE. So good. Am I supposed to dance? Sing along? Makes me want to dance but slow, with intensity, like I mean it.

As usual I'm the last one to hear it (2.4 million plays on soundcloud, 4.7 million on youtube), but I figure to add another 200 or so all on my own. Can't stop won't stop.

Jesus how long has it been?


Well it's been quite a while. I don't have anything good to share at the moment, but should have some moderately fun content in the next couple weeks. Moderately fun. Let's make sure we manage expectations.

That goofy looking head in the photo is WORLD FAMOUS DJ TIESTO. Set is the full mix that includes the deep house track I posted earlier. As a rule deep house is shite but this mix is very listenable. Probably the deep house die hards hate it, which is why I like it so much. Enjoy at your leisure. 

30 August 2013

It is Ever Thus

Which is your favorite? I am split between the Thing from Ethnic Food Aisle that May Not be Food and The Lone Pickle. I'm pretty sure I've tossed out The Lone Pickle from every fridge when I have moved house.

Thanks Alligator Sunglasses for putting this in wider distribution.

In cable internet billing news: they raised my rate so I decided to call them and figure out how to get it back to normal levels. After 15 minutes on hold (why make it easy to complain? that would be stupid) the first person I spoke with couldn't help me. No problem, I asked to speak to the next-level person. At which point they hung up on me. I love cable.

29 August 2013

C is for Cookie



You know what's hot? Hot jamz. Deep house sucks except when it doesn't. Why hasn't anyone played this in one of my yoga classes yet? Come on, yoga instructor people!

It's possible they haven't played it because of the usual instructors I see in a given week one uses music only sparingly and another adds new songs to the playlist only under duress. And anything that makes his rotation that was released after Y2K is usually not good. He needs to stick with the classics. That leaves one guy, so I'll have to mention it to him. Note to self.

Anyway, hot deep house jam! There were a few identical versions of this mix on youtube and if you didn't know in advance that I would pick the one with the hot ginger then you don't know me at all. Like, not even kind of.

Title unrelated, except that I just ate too many Mother's Taffy cookies and now I feel sick. It's a weakness.

27 August 2013

Another video? Another video! Take it away Chief Kessler...

Long-time readers know that I spend my free time at the gym, at the yoga, or indulging in one of my hobbies, like shooting. With that in mind, I give you this amazing videos from a man that is/was a chief of police. Not just a law enforcement officer, but the senior LEO in his town, with 16 years on the force. However small that town was, this guy was the boss of the law there.



Doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Maybe the local burgh could invest in some training for the Chief? He could use it. (Related: In talking to several firearms instructors I learned that the people that most need training are the ones that are least likely to pursue it. It's a negative feedback loop of suck. Cops in general are not necessarily good at shooting - insufficient practice. They do tend to be very good at writing tickets.)

It's possible that the Chief lost his job after he posted a bunch of wacko videos on youtube. There's nothing wrong with wacko youtube videos in principle, but the chief of police probably shouldn't say stuff like, "Look at that libtard right there!" and then pretend to shoot them. It suggests an air of partiality that maybe doesn't qualify you for a job as a (supposedly) impartial public official. As it happens, it did garner him some negative attention:



Just when you thought it couldn't get any more dumb or contrived: here comes the local news reporter with a hot take. Two clowns locked in a deadly battle of dumbing down. Not sure who wins, but we all lose.

26 August 2013

First World Problems



This is old. Big Cheese sent it to me years ago now but I never got around to posting it. It's still funny.

The parking lot at Trader Ho's is usually every but as insane as Whole Foods, but with more people buying terrible wine. I don't shop at either store because: farmer's markets.

25 August 2013

Crossfit Talk (is Boring)


We had a test workout at on Friday. Fran. 21-15-9, thrusters and pull ups. Just imagine several minutes of hard work. More than 3, less than 10 (the cutoff is 10 minutes). Test workouts are a bitch and give me anxiety. Not sure if that's healthy, but whatever.

One thing that's interesting about Fran is that you are so anaerobic during the workout that people become visibly pale while it is happening, and they have to be reminded to breathe. It is not uncommon for participants to throw up and/or pass out. Fun? Not as such, no. I have heard the Tour de France described as like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer: it feels really good when you stop. Fran is like that except it doesn't take as long and I can lift weights over my head, unlike most pencil-necked cyclists. But I digress...

I usually omit my own workout results from this space because that stuff is about as interesting as your fantasy football team or NCAA bracket or that dream you had last night but... my Fran time was very disappointing. I know: not interesting. While I was being a petulant dick practicing non-attachment it helped me realize that my priorities were out of order. Somehow I became very invested in a number that means, well, nothing.

This investment in numbers is far and away the most bullshit thing about crossfit. I got sucked into the idea that my Fran time said something about me as a person. How lame is that? Really fucking lame. The time is only a data point, a signpost on the journey. What matters is effort. How hard did you work? If you gave it all you could then you have my respect, regardless of your time. What's true for others should also be true for me in re: effort / respect. Good news is I'll probably need reminding of this right around the time we have to do Fran again.

PS. Another Face to Face classic. Couldn't help myself.

What if I'm right and you were wrong?


Been shuffling through the back catalog in the iTouch. I hardly ever buy new music any more so most of the cuts range from old to 'damn you have that on your ipod? what?' Yeah it's like that. Some of the old songs I completely forgot I had but they are still great. Well great if you like Lagwagon, Blink 182, The Offspring (early records only - that later stuff is puke), Green Day (entire catalog), and Face to Face.

This one goes out to Spud and Ze Newbs because I know they know all the words by heart. And that is awesome. So is this song.

Throwback day

Chevy Chase, Dan Akroyd, John Belushi and Lorne Michaels in the Kitchen at Elaine's
Was doing another thing and made some talk about the all time greatest SNL skits.

I'm sure you have your favorites, and I'll a link to mine later, but for now let's appreciate the power of the internet and the fact that I could find this superb photograph in .2 seconds.

It was in Rolling Stone some years ago, which is where I first saw it.

22 August 2013

Show Me the Data: MLB Past and Future Payrolls from Mr. Phil Roth

It's true I think baseball sucks to watch. But the economics of MLB payrolls are very interesting. Not sure why this is so, but here we are.

This was on Deadspin, but the direct link to Phil Roth's amazing blog post is as follows:
http://mrphilroth.com/2013/08/21/mlb-past-and-future-payrolls/

And the interactive itself:
http://mrphilroth.com/mlbpayrolls/

Prepare to get sucked into the rabbit hole. It's fascinating. If ever you wondered how bad a contract was, now you can see it with your own two eyes. Albert Pujols! ARod! Barry Fucking Zito! The Entire Dodgers Roster!

Special bonus: Joey Votto??!?!? What the hell?

Enjoy.

Tis Better to Give

More internet joy. I wonder if the guys that set up the original ARPANET had any idea that the primary result of their work would someday be infinite cat videos and free pr0n.

In summary: I love sloths.

If I could have one as a pet it would be the best. Except for the 'living bug carpet' part. And the part where they aren't very social. And the mess. And the expense. So, aside from that: the best.

Very Important Things

Whatever have I been doing all this time? Well, not much worth reporting. It's not like I can attend share yoga classes with people afflicted with runaway flatulence all the time. Unless it's me that has the issues, in which case I would probably skip the class.

Anyway, here's a funny from Alligator Sunglasses / the internet.

15 August 2013

Yoga Story Time!

I decided to branch out with my yoga classes, try something different at the local Costa Mesa Yogaworks. Mainly because I've been sick and can't get through one of my usual classes. So last week I tried Gentle Yoga. Liked the instructor well enough that I caught up with her again yesterday for Restorative Yoga. These classes are a huge departure from my usual Level 2/3 vinyasa efforts and I've enjoyed them very much.

The Gentle and Restorative classes draw many different types of student, but for the most part they are either older or out of shape or both. Exceptions are people like me that use it as a post-workout recovery aid, or people trying yoga that don't know what to expect.

Last night I got there a bit early, put down my mat. A woman put her mat down next to mine and we visited briefly. It turns out that she brought her friend and was hoping to practice adjacent to her. She didn't want to ask anyone to move because people were already quiet and settled. I don't care about that* so I moved and there was plenty of room for her companion. Well, the friend was intimidated and didn't want to make a fuss and move over two spots (silly but whatever) so we had some space for whomever showed up next.

That turned out to be a gentleman that was a piece of work. It wasn't that he kept flailing all over his mat, couldn't keep his props organized, accidentally bumped into me and the other woman. No, it wasn't all that, because that happens. It was the flatulence. The ongoing, consistent, regular flatulence. Every few minutes. All class long. Big farts, small farts, loud, quiet, you name it and this guy had you covered. At one point we were laying on our sides and he farted in the general direction of the woman for whom I had cleared out space. I snickered. She had it coming and I was glad it wasn't aimed at me. That lasted about 3 minutes because as soon as we turned over he farted in my general direction. This fucking guy.

Possible high (low?) point was when the instructor told us to relax and settle into the pose and the guy audibly farted, right on cue. It was amazing.

Should I congratulate the dude for getting into the spirit of the practice? Did he feel relaxed and restored? He definitely didn't seem to be holding anything back. Am I immature for mentioning it? I dunno. He probably wasn't doing it on purpose, and we all come to yoga from different places. Some understanding is in order. (That's some yoga real talk right there.) On the other hand: farting throughout a 90 minute class. So. 





* It's great to take some quiet time before class but if you think that means you're exempt from making room then you better be wedged into a corner.

14 August 2013

Orson Scott Card is Batshit Crazy

Orson Scott Card is in the news a lot lately because his best book has been turned into a blockbuster movie. The extra attention is shining a light on some of his more, ahh, unusual opinions. Slate has this piece; here's an excerpt:
[Card writes] Where will he [Obama] get his "national police"? The NaPo will be recruited from "young out-of-work urban men" and it will be hailed as a cure for the economic malaise of the inner cities.
In other words, Obama will put a thin veneer of training and military structure on urban gangs, and send them out to channel their violence against Obama's enemies.
Instead of doing drive-by shootings in their own neighborhoods, these young thugs will do beatings and murders of people "trying to escape" -- people who all seem to be leaders and members of groups that oppose Obama.
[Slate writes] This thoughtful detour into racism is the apotheosis of the essay; after this it gets a little mired in incoherence, with multiple assurances that it's a "experiment in fictional thinking" but "sure sounds plausible."
//
Uhhh, no. This nonsense doesn't even pass the most basic critical thinking. It's like Card makes stuff up for a living. (See what I did there?)

This is exactly the type of fantasy that old fat white guys play out in their head when they spend a small fortune on tactical equipment and get their guns ready for the end of the world. There will be no new national police force made of young, out-of-work urban men. (Unless you count the US Armed Forces, which is already mostly comprised of young, out-of-work men.)

In summary: Mormonism is a joke. And old white guys are getting a raw deal. They're mad as hell and not going to take it any more!

11 August 2013

It's Legal: Property Forfeiture (Did I spell that right?)

I didn't weigh in on the Trayvon Martin shooting and Zimmerman trial because I read the reports early on and I knew that Zimmerman would not be convicted of the crimes of which he was accused. He didn't break the law.

Yes, he was grossly unqualified for the task at hand. Yes, he was inept. Yes, he had a history of being a complete fucking moron and dialing 911 repeatedly for no good reason. Yes, he really wanted to be a police officer.

Most importantly: Yes, he instigated a conflict with a young man and then shot him dead, but that's not illegal in Florida. The cops knew it, and the DA knew it when he read the report. It was all perfectly legal, or at least set up in such a way that it would be impossible to prove it was illegal, which: close enough.

The good news is that, depending on where you live, the profit motive has infected law enforcement and if you live in a state that has generous civil forfeiture laws the state can take whatever they want and fuck you if you don't like it. Guilty, innocent, doesn't matter. Don't believe me? It's worse than you imagine:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/08/12/130812fa_fact_stillman?currentPage=all

I read through and hoped for a happy ending but there isn't one. Sooo, that's something.
For search purposes, the article is by Sarah Stillman. She does some interesting work here too:

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/comment/2013/08/swat-team-nation.html?intcid=obnetwork

I'll come back to some of this later on.

Duke Dumont remixes Falling by HAIM


I love this remix. I think I already put it on the blog but it didn't turn up in a search so who knows? This is the jam. Wore it out a couple months ago, forgot about it, and now I'm wearing it out all over again.

06 August 2013

Get Off Your High Horse: Alex Rodriguez and Performance Enhancing Drugs


I've been following the Alex Rodriguez saga much more closely than actual baseball. Mostly because baseball is boring and unless the Giants make the playoffs the games put me to sleep 100% of the time. 

All the sanctimonious judgment being tossed around in re: ARod is virtually identical to the responses and reactions to Barry Bonds when he was still playing. Bonds ended up finishing his contract but while he was plenty good enough to help a team no one picked him up because of the negative publicity. He has since retired from baseball.

I don't care if Rodriguez took drugs. He's an adult making adult decisions. I don't care if he lied about it to self-righteous crusaders. You shouldn't either. Here's why. 

Where are We?

At the time of this writing that toad Selig has banned Rodriguez for 211 games; Rodriguez is appealing the ban. According to reports, Selig wanted to ban him permanently. Bear in mind that Rodriguez has never failed a drug test (still hasn't), and that his main transgressions to this point are a) 'obstructing' the MLB investigation, b) lying to investigators, c) taking testosterone and HGH, and (especially) d) being ARod.

The investigators to whom Rodriguez lied obtained their 'damning' evidence against him by suing the person that provided him with the drugs. The pseudo-doctor was broke and living on someone's couch so he had little choice (and much incentive) to give MLB everything they wanted. They have had the knives out for Rodriguez for years, and he knows it.

Rodriguez contends his ban is related to the massive amount of money that baseball's richest and most profitable team owes him over the next couple years. If he is banned he doesn't get paid. I'm not sure that's part of it, mainly because Selig is your ancient, tone-deaf, out of touch great-uncle that people still let drive the car because he throws a tantrum when you take his keys away.

How Did We Get Here? Or: Selig is a Hypocritical Asshole

So why is Selig swinging for the fences now?* The Toad is trying to burnish his legacy after presiding over the steroid era, culminating in 1998 when McGwire and Sosa hit gobs of home runs and made Barry Bonds, a man on the far side of reasonable at the best of times, so jealous that he vowed to start taking drugs too. Bonds would show those clowns what it looked like when a truly great ballplayer used every means at his disposal to reach his full potential. His 2000-2004 numbers belong in a video game.

Selig has to deal with that, and he wants to be known as the guy that 'cleaned up' baseball instead of the guy that let steroids run rampant and rewrite the record books.

So What?

What really gets up my nose is that's what ballplayers have been doing for generations: doing everything they can to be the best that they can. The financial incentives are so great that they would be crazy not to. (Rodriguez has the richest contract in major league baseball.) So the new guys have advantages that the legends didn't have. Babe Ruth didn't have the drugs and training they have today, but Bonds had to play against anyone good enough, not anyone good enough that was also white. Plus: relief pitchers.

Also getting up my nose is the fact that baseball coats itself in saccharine and treacle and serves itself up as a some kind of holy sacrament. Fuck that. Baseball has a long history of drug use, drug abuse, institutionalized racism sanctioned at the highest levels (fuck you very much, K.M. Landis!), and cheating of any and all types. All the preaching and righteousness ignores this sordid history.

'Performance Enhancing' Drug: What the Fuck Does That Even Mean? (Hint: Nothing)

Replacing a blown tendon in your elbow with a tendon from a cadaver: perfectly legal. Taking enough Advil to blow out your kidneys: also legal. Greenies: legal -oops, my bad. Those were legal back when Willie Mays was doing his thing. Not any more. Also legal: as many painkillers as you need to take the field and perform at your best. Toradol? Hellz yeah. And that's the stuff you can't buy over the counter. I could go on but you get the idea. Eat all the caffeine and creatine and protein supplements and whatever else. But don't take HGH or testosterone (unless prescribed by your doctor for recovery). Because that is against The Rules.

This makes no sense. MLB is drawing an arbitrary, hypocritical line and enforcing it like the Spanish Inquisition. Any player or writer that raises a peep about ARod being 'dirty' is a clown if he's ever taken so much as an Excedrin for hangover or had a cup of coffee before a game or a deadline. There's no such thing as 'clean' or 'dirty'; the rules are a joke. Once you allow a player to take anything then it's all fair game. Losing your mind over what drugs some guy took is shortsighted and dumb.

On that note, all the baseball writers going on and on about what a phony Rodriguez is, and how he's a bad guy, and he can't be trusted, and what an awful person he is, and how he violated the sanctity of the game: please for the love of Ty Cobb put a sock in it already.

Rules to Live By (or: Sports Writers are Bitter Because They're Ugly and the Pay Sucks**)

Stop judging professional athletes that use drugs. Most articles and comments about ARod (and any player that is accused of using drugs) is rife with value judgment and criticisms. Enough. Hate the guy for being a douche if that's your thing, but hating him because he tried to be good at his job is just dumb. So fucking dumb.

If you believe in the sanctity of Baseball with a capital B then you are an idiot. There is nothing sacred about baseball. It is a business. Some employees go about their business differently than others, but most of them want to maximize their earning potential. Some of them are awful people, some are great, and most fall somewhere in the middle. That's because they're people, and people are like that. About which...

If you are over the age of 8 and you thought that baseball players were trustworthy or genuine instead of, you know, actual people with all their inherent flaws and qualities, then you deserve to be disappointed when you find out the truth. (See: Armstrong, Lance) Welcome to adulthood.  Also: you are an idiot.

Where Does that Leave Us? 

Boo ARod all you like. Drugs or no drugs, boos or cheers: He will still be way better at baseball than all but a handful of people that have ever played***. If that bothers you: tough shit.








*Sorry couldn't help it. 
** Quoted from Matt Ufford; he wrote it years ago. 
*** Actually true. 

EPL on NBC


Slow week for blog posts. Don't have anything good to share.

That video happened, and it is pretty good. Apparently NBC is broadcasting all 380 EPL games on one of their many network or cable channels. It almost makes me want to get network television again. Almost. 

I put a deposit down on the Xbone. Long-time readers will remember that I missed out on the xbox 360 at launch and had to wait several months to get my hands on one. I ended up getting it by calling the local Best Buy(s) every day for weeks. I would call when the FedEx truck arrived to find out if they had any in stock.

Finally I got a good lead and was That Asshole on the Freeway driving over to BB, followed by an even more dangerous turn as That Asshole in the Parking Lot. I collected the xbox and a dirty look from a mom with a stroller because she thought her kid was in danger.*

Anyway, the goal is to avoid that nonsense and have the device waiting for me at Fry's when I go to pick it up. Whether or not that happens remains to be seen. But at least I have someone to bitch at if they don't come through. 



* Total bullshit. I saw them the whole time. I wasn't stopping, but I saw them.

01 August 2013

The People Have Spoken! (part n+1)

Sweet Katie also makes generous use of someone's HBOgo account to view premium programming at a discount:

We use an HBOgo account too, to watch True Blood and I'm eternally grateful! What do you think of the season so far??
//
It's the only way. Although I read that fully 95% of people still get their TV via a cable or satellite provider, so their revenue stream is secure for now. And it's very good for me because without my cable-paying friends I would be utterly lost.

As for the series so far: I'm entertained. They seem to be moving away from the weakest storylines (anything to do with the werewolves is pointless filler), and the campyness of the series as a whole is good. In general I think the series is best when the strongest characters play larger roles. That means more Jason Stackhouse, Eric Northman, Bill Compton, Jessica and Lafayette. The rest of the cast doesn't do much for me. I miss Russell Edgington. He was fantastic.

From a comment I made about the poster of the video on permaboners priapism about religion being incompatible with critical thinking, this from John:

Christianity is completely compatible with science and 'critical thinking' . In fact, intellectually honest critical thinkers must eventually reach Christianity and the Bible as a rational conclusion!
[see rtb.org for the science end and sfaw.org for the practical/societal explanations] 

//
Ahhh, I think we're going to have to agree to disagree. Thinking critically and being 'intellectually honest' does not logically lead to "hey there's an all powerful being in the universe and he created everything in seven days including you, and you look just like him because you are created in 'his' image because it says so in this book right here and also the gays can't get married and don't masturbate."

Instead, thinking critically means rejecting the notion that "GAYS CANNOT GET MARRIED IT'S A SIN IN THE EYES OF THE LORD" because you're not a bigoted simpleton and you recognize a fairy tale when you hear one.

Why don't more people believe in Santa Claus? That guy shows up once a year like clockwork. Shit.

Beware the Spider


This from Smarter Every Day, a good source of entertaining science. He's been on a hot streak lately as his Firing an AK-47 Under Water videos are fanstastic.

Side note: the host is devoutly religious (closes his videos with references to scripture, and the different words for love endorsement at the end of the penis video is a popular theme in Christian teachings), which I find difficult to reconcile with a sincere devotion to science and critical thinking. But it works for him.

Back on topic: Am I too mature to laugh at a Russian man with a heavy Russian-Alabama accent talking about priapism and penile implants? No. No I am not.*





*So excited to use the DICK JOKES ARE THE BEST tag again. 

26 July 2013

High Security

List of passwords for accounts that I struggle to remember or just leave logged in all the time because I check them regularly: 

1. Gmail (this is the one where the rest get reset when I click 'Forgot your password?')
2. Bank
3. Cable bill
4. Power bill
5. Phone bill
6. Numerous hyperspecific special interest forums, e.g.
7. Main work login
8. Work web shit
9. Other work web shit (2 layers of protection)
10. Rent payment info
11. NFLX
12. Savings Bank
13. Work payroll account
14. Work travel request
15. Work expenses
16. Amazon
17. Zappos
18. Backup personal email accounts (x3)
19. Xbox Live
20. Credit Card account
21. iTunes

Of the above 20+ passwords I can think of maybe four offhand. But there's another list that shows my priorities are in the proper order.

SUPER IMPORTANT PASSWORDS that I remember under any and all circumstances: 
1. Friends HBOGo account
2. My local wireless network

So I might not have ready access to any of the shit from the first list, but I can definitely watch True Blood as soon as the latest episode is available.

24 July 2013

Muppet Time

Just an amazing picture of Beaker I found on the internet. Beaker is my favorite Muppet. In order:

1. Beaker
2. Cookie Monster
3. Swedish Chef
4. Kermit
5. (Tie) Dr. Honeydew and Animal

Weekend activities were dampened somewhat when I went out to my car on Sunday morning and discovered that my passenger side mirror was smashed off. Thanks to whatever drunken fuckwit took the opportunity to make me spend $250 getting it fixed. That's what I get for living in a shitty neighborhood. Although in November of 2011 someone did a hit and run on my car in a very, very expensive neighborhood. Scumbags come in all tax brackets.

19 July 2013

It's in the Argument

This was on Alligator Sunglasses as "The Best GIF Ever".
It's the top 5, easy. I dare you not to smile.

This and That



Fewer updates this week because my back has been bothering me so I switched to a standing desk. Best thing is to switch back and forth from sitting to standing throughout the day but my current setup doesn't make that very easy. It's a work in progress. As a result I'm either working standing or giving the wheels a short break. Come evenings I'm not much keen on more computer time.

Anyway, this song is old. And this version of the song is old, but it's new to me. Apparently the public's appetite for choir covers of pop songs is infinite, because these girls are a cottage industry. But still: it's a great cover.

Fun activity planned for this weekend. More on that early next week.

16 July 2013

What are you reading?

We always want more, he thought, we always take our past successes for granted and assume they but point the way to future triumphs. But the universe does not have our own best interests at heart, and to assume for a moment that it does, ever did or ever might is to make the most calamitous and hubristic of mistakes.

That's from Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks, published in 2000. It's a theme that comes up often in his work, but the sentences above summarize it explicitly.

He wrote the first Culture novel in the late 80's and they have held up very well since then. SciFi books often don't. The Culture novels make for very good light reading - they are broad in scope and populated with a wonderfully well imagined group of people/places/things. The stories can be quite violent, but: the universe is a cruel and unforgiving place.

Banks isn't writing any more. He announced that he had gall bladder cancer on 3 April 2013, and died on 9 June 2013. He was 59.

11 July 2013

Anniversaries

I wrote a long, self-indulgent, navel-gazing post but spiked it. Plenty accurate but it didn't make for very fun reading. Not even for me, and I love the sound of my own words.

Here's the short version: I said goodbye to Reese six months ago today. I have missed her every day since then.

08 July 2013

Flow Like Water

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.
-Heraclitus


Truth? Truth.
More on this later in the week.

Summer Jamz


This song is so new I'm not even sure it's out yet. The version posted here was lifted from a live set posted on soundcloud a couple weeks ago. It probably won't be as big a smash as Sovereign Light Cafe (a favorite), but it's a good summer jam.

Okay then. 

Makes Sense

Had to start over on this one because my cool linked photo didn't work.

You'll have to go direct.

03 July 2013

IT'S COOL I GOT THIS


HAI!

Ahh, hello. Whatcha doin?

NUFFIN.

How's the room in the front?

BIT CRAMPED, SINCE YOU ASKED.

Any snacks?

NONE SO FAR. 

Try the back?

GOOD IDEA.

Here I'll get the door.

IT'S OKAY I GOT IT.

I see...

NO SNACKS BACK HERE. BIT MORE ROOMY THOUGH.

Ahh...

KTHXBAI!!

/hat tip to Deadspin

02 July 2013

Let's Make Some Noise


Sometimes I try and watch a tv show and the gun handling is so bad that I can't deal and have to turn it off. This happened most recently with Wallander, an otherwise fairly well done detective show available for streaming on your local Netflix.

The main character draws his gun just about every episode (which is itself unusual/ridiculous for a cop, but whatever) and he makes a complete hash of it every... single... time. It's down to the actor not knowing dick about guns. I can make allowances at first but after three or four times it's very distracting. Sometimes the grip will change from one camera shot to the next. Continuity fail. And, after a few episodes (and seasons, which amounts to years of real life time) it is willful ignorance on the part of the actor. It's not super hard to get it right - it only takes 10 minutes to learn a proper grip. Yeah it might take some additional practice time but that's your job so figure it out.

No doubt the guy in the video above feels the same way every time he watches a sword fight on Game of Thrones. Bummer for him. I know they're super theatrical and bullshit but usually the fights are brief enough you can get back to intrigue.

My favorite fight choreography is the big two handed overhead smash followed by a slice to the midsection. Works every time! Apparently the sidestep and lunge hasn't made any headway in Westeros fencing schools. Neither has the ability to link a parry (i.e. such as may be required to deflect a two-handed overhead smash) to an attack. For f's sake. Whoever figures it out will have an easy path to the Iron Throne.

Next time you watch GoT notice how much noise there is every time they draw swords. Then imagine it as a bunch of very quiet rattles and subtle whispers. How would you know that there's about to be a fight without the aural cues? CHIIIING!

30 June 2013

The People Have Spoken: Gun Violence Report

In the post about Gun Facts from a couple days ago Reader Kelly asks:
Were there any stats for accidental death by guns?
Good question. I did a quick scan of the report but couldn't find how they parsed their data. It's probably in there but it's 125 pages and I don't have time to read through it all right now. I'll do that over the course of the week (fun 4th of July activity!) and get back to you.

The report is easy enough to follow that I recommend anyone with a passing interest give it a read or at least a quick scan. The subject is near and dear to my (cold/dead/empty) heart so I'll give it a thorough review.

You can download your own copy if you give the National Academy of Sciences your email address or view a shared version on google drive.

Let's Do This: Brioche and Challah Bread Pudding

Long-time readers know that I like to make (and eat) desserts. I indulge this hobby by taking the occasional baking class down at the local fancy baking place. Super fun. So far I've taken Basic Breads, Biscuits and Scones, and most recently, How to Make Challah and Brioche and Related Breads and Rolls that are Made from Challah and Brioche Doughs.*

I tried to take a Chocolate Breads class for the past three months but it's only offered once a month and no one enrolled besides me. At any point. In three months. Apparently I'm the only person in the greater Newport Beach area that likes to do cool shit. Since Chocolate Breads probably won't happen until I get enough people to sign up (which I'm working on) I opted to take what I could get.

How can I make this more fattening?
The class was awesome. Great instructor, learned a ton, made a big pile of enormous breadstuffs. Like, a big pile: kaiser rolls, challah, brioche cinnamon roll, brioche bun thing, and a take-home bundle of challah dough which I threw away because ugh, so much bread. Fresh made from scratch means that it starts to go stale right away. Great for eating, not so great for storing.

Fortunately, stale bread is a key ingredient in one of my all-time favorite desserts: bread pudding. I love ice cream, custards (e.g. pies), puddings of all types, egg nog, french toast (bread pudding for breakfast!), arroz con leche (a particular favorite), chocolate milk, whatever you can put milk, sugar and eggs in and serve hot, cold, or room temperature: I'll eat it. And probably quite a lot of it, if we're being honest. So, big pile of rapidly-becoming-stale ultra premium handmade breads/rolls and a few free minutes the afternoon - what to do?

Holy shit let's get this party started! First things first, always put on some pumping jams to keep you company while you're cooking. Turn that shit up and get ready to get down. Then assemble your ingredients.

I Could Eat This With A Spoon; Instead I Used My Hands
The fun thing about bread pudding is that you just mix up your ratio of milk/cream and eggs with your other stuff and put it all in a bowl. It's super easy. I opted to add golden raisins and some chocolate chips to mine. I felt like they balanced out the egg, milk and cream quite nicely. Mix all that up with bread that already has so much butter in it that if you ever made it you would never, ever eat it ever again and leave it sit for a few hours. Then you slop it into a casserole pan and put it in the oven for a good long while.

Bake it up for a really long time and eventually you get this:

Sent this photo to my Mom and she said, "Don't make yourself sick."

Et voila! That's a big tub of delicious right there.

As per usual with these things I'll package it up and give most of it away tomorrow. I can't have it in the house. There's no one around to restart my heart when my aorta clogs. It's not shippable or I would be boxing it up for y'all tonight.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go make myself sick eat some dessert. 




* Possibly not the actual class title.

25 June 2013

The Facts: Gun Data


The following is cribbed direct from Slate, so I'm probably in violation of their copyright, but we're not making any money over here so hopefully they won't mind. Go there and view the full post with all the advertising for more information.

My main beef with the data is that they include suicides in their findings of 'gun violence', which skews the numbers quite dramatically. Aside from that I don't disagree with the conclusions outlined by Mr. Saletan below. I'll dig into the report more carefully later on (look forward to that), but this is a decent summary.

-----------------------------------
The gun control debate is certainly worth reopening. But if we’re going to reopen it, let’s not just rethink the politics. Let’s take another look at the facts. Earlier this year, President Obama ordered the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to assess the existing research on gun violence and recommend future studies. That report, prepared by the Institute of Medicine and the National Research Council, is now complete. Its findings won’t entirely please the Obama administration or the NRA, but all of us should consider them. Here’s a list of the 10 most salient or surprising takeaways

1. The United States has an indisputable gun violence problem. According to the report, “the U.S. rate of firearm-related homicide is higher than that of any other industrialized country: 19.5 times higher than the rates in other high-income countries.”

2. Most indices of crime and gun violence are getting better, not worse. “Overall crime rates have declined in the past decade, and violent crimes, including homicides specifically, have declined in the past 5 years,” the report notes. “Between 2005 and 2010, the percentage of firearm-related violent victimizations remained generally stable.” Meanwhile, “firearm-related death rates for youth ages 15 to 19 declined from 1994 to 2009.” Accidents are down, too: “Unintentional firearm-related deaths have steadily declined during the past century. The number of unintentional deaths due to firearm-related incidents accounted for less than 1 percent of all unintentional fatalities in 2010.”

3. We have 300 million firearms, but only 100 million are handguns. According to the report, “In 2007, one estimate placed the total number of firearms in the country at 294 million: ‘106 million handguns, 105 million rifles, and 83 million shotguns.’ ” This translates to nearly nine guns for every 10 people, a per capita ownership rate nearly 50 percent higher than the next most armed country. But American gun ownership is concentrated, not universal: In a December 2012 Gallup poll, “43 percent of those surveyed reported having a gun in the home.”

4. Handguns are the problem. Despite being outnumbered by long guns, “Handguns are used in more than 87 percent of violent crimes,” the report notes. In 2011, “handguns comprised 72.5 percent of the firearms used in murder and non-negligent manslaughter incidents.” Why do criminals prefer handguns? One reason, according to surveys of felons, is that they’re “easily concealable.”

5. Mass shootings aren’t the problem. “The number of public mass shootings of the type that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School accounted for a very small fraction of all firearm-related deaths,” says the report. “Since 1983 there have been 78 events in which 4 or more individuals were killed by a single perpetrator in 1 day in the United States, resulting in 547 victims and 476 injured persons.” Compare that with the 335,000 gun deaths between 2000 and 2010 alone.

6. Gun suicide is a bigger killer than gun homicide. From 2000 to 2010, “firearm-related suicides significantly outnumbered homicides for all age groups, annually accounting for 61 percent of the more than 335,600 people who died from firearm-related violence in the United States,” says the report. Firearm sales are often a warning: Two studies found that “a small but significant fraction of gun suicides are committed within days to weeks after the purchase of a handgun, and both also indicate that gun purchasers have an elevated risk of suicide for many years after the purchase of the gun.”

7. Guns are used for self-defense often and effectively. “Almost all national survey estimates indicate that defensive gun uses by victims are at least as common as offensive uses by criminals, with estimates of annual uses ranging from about 500,000 to more than 3 million per year … in the context of about 300,000 violent crimes involving firearms in 2008,” says the report. The three million figure is probably high, “based on an extrapolation from a small number of responses taken from more than 19 national surveys.” But a much lower estimate of 108,000 also seems fishy, “because respondents were not asked specifically about defensive gun use.” Furthermore, “Studies that directly assessed the effect of actual defensive uses of guns (i.e., incidents in which a gun was 'used' by the crime victim in the sense of attacking or threatening an offender) have found consistently lower injury rates among gun-using crime victims compared with victims who used other self-protective strategies.”

8. Carrying guns for self-defense is an arms race. The prevalence of firearm violence near “drug markets … could be a consequence of drug dealers carrying guns for self-defense against thieves or other adversaries who are likely to be armed,” says the report. In these communities, “individuals not involved in the drug markets have similar incentives for possessing guns.” According to a Pew Foundation report, “the vast majority of gun owners say that having a gun makes them feel safer. And far more today than in 1999 cite protection—rather than hunting or other activities—as the major reason for why they own guns.”

9. Denying guns to people under restraining orders saves lives. “Two-thirds of homicides of ex- and current spouses were committed [with] firearms,” the report observes. “In locations where individuals under restraining orders to stay away from current or ex-partners are prohibited from access to firearms, female partner homicide is reduced by 7 percent.”

10. It isn’t true that most gun acquisitions by criminals can be blamed on a few bad dealers. The report concedes that in 1998, “1,020 of 83,272 federally licensed retailers (1.2 percent) accounted for 57.4 percent of all guns traced by the ATF.” However, “Gun sales are also relatively concentrated; approximately 15 percent of retailers request 80 percent of background checks on gun buyers conducted by the National Instant Criminal Background Check System.” Researchers have found that “the share of crime gun traces attributed to these few dealers only slightly exceeded their share of handgun sales, which are almost equally concentrated among a few dealers.” Volume, not laxity, drives the number of ill-fated sales.

REPEAT OFFENDER: Feel the Love by Rudimental feat. John Newman



Bringing this back.
No reason, except it's special to me and I wanted to move that other post off the top of the page.
If you want a new/old song from the Library o' Cheese, then try this.

24 June 2013

Handstands are Good for You

100% Paleo, 10% of the Time
Sometimes at the gym we do handstand push ups. I don't remember when this picture was taken but I remember that the backs of my shoes kept sticking to the whiteboard, which sucked. That was the last time I did handstand push ups against the whiteboard. Never again.

Using the mat is kind of cheat-y; usually the turf and my afro are advantage enough. 

Shirts are optional. So is the sun, apparently, because the whiteboard and I share a remarkably similar hue.

23 June 2013

SRV: Life by the Drop


First heard this song what feels like a lifetime ago. Revisited it today and it's still great. It's a departure from recent musical posts, but whatever. Maybe the people that can't stand the dance jamz will dig on this. Or at least not hate it as much.

SRV was mostly known as a guitar player but his singing in this is what makes it so good. Two and a half minutes of genius.

See you out there.

20 June 2013

Back to Back Bears

You know what's better than an AR-15? An AR-15 with Pedobear on the rail. It's almost as good as the guy that wrote "No Pew" next to where it says SAFE, and "PEW PEW PEW" where it says FIRE.

I laughed.

Bonus: iron sights. Keeping it real! 

17 June 2013

Whatcha doin up there?



Hey, whatcha' doin? Got any snacks?

No, it's cool I'll come up. No, really, I don't mind.

HERE I COME!!!!

No snacks?? You sure? Oh.

KTHXBAI!!!!111!!!!

The People Have Spoken!

Feedback on the feedback...

Sorry for the short window on cookies. I haven't shipped cookies in a long time, mostly because it's an expensive, time-consuming pain in the ass. It's fun to make them and the dough is delicious but it doesn't take long for them to become an albatross. It'll be a while before I do it again, mainly because I need to get back on the program after the binge. I feel fat, is what I mean. But cookies are soooo gooood.

Speaking of fat, you know what's worse than a bloated whale? A bloated sunburned whale. My fresh to death sunburn was annoying shortly after it happened but it has blossomed into a sleep-interrupting misery. It doesn't look like much but wow is it uncomfortable. Enh, it looks bad but I would expect it to look worse given how annoying/painful it is. Let's go eat some ibuprofen! Is that funny? Only if it is happening to someone else.

XBONED

The new XBox One (aka Xbone) promises to be a piece of sweet, sweet gaming goodness. Unfortunately the shitbricks over at microsoft know that the die hard xbox owners (like me) will buy a new xbox when it comes out, even if it costs more than I would prefer to spend.

When confronted with this cost, the head of Xbox Don Mattrick said he was 'over delivering on value', and while I don't agree with 'over delivering', it does deliver value. I pay $500 once, pay $12 a month for the live service, buy some games, and get hundreds or thousands of hours of entertainment out of it. Plus I get to talk to my friends while I play, which is sweet. Even with the fixed costs (internet connection, live service, new games), it's still good value for money. If you have a multiple users you get even more value for money.

What's ridiculous is that Mattrick is claiming they are adding value in areas that have absolutely no value to me whatsoever. He mentions Twitch streaming, Skype, SmartGlass and Kinect. It's a very good list of things I don't care that my gaming console can do: stream video of other people playing games (twitch), talk on the phone (skype), SmartGlass (whatever that is), and watch me wave my arms around (kinect). I want it to play games and stream videos. That's all. But that doesn't grow the business so I get a good core system wrapped up in bullshit. Reminds me of something Microsoft is well known for, but I can't quite put my finger on it... 

16 June 2013

Some People Never Learn

Ouch
I am sun-sensitive. I am also an idiot, so now I have a sunburn.

Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to go to the park and read for a bit. I took precautions, put sunscreen everywhere I could reach. The breakdown was when I opted to sit in a way that exposed the part I can't reach (my back) to the noon sun for an extended period (40 minutes, if we're counting).

My thinking, if you can call it that, was that I would sit in such a way that my back wouldn't get much sun, just my shoulders. You could charitably call my choices 'optimistic', but I think 'stupid' is probably more accurate. It was too much sun for much too long.

No doubt you would love a picture but there isn't much to see. Imagine the last time you had an uncomfortable sunburn on your back - it's exactly like that. Ugh.

Unrelated: True Blood is on HBO tonight. Good thing I have an iPad and a friend's HBOgo account information. Har.

11 June 2013

The People Have Spoken (again)

Updates from the readership!

Regarding that deliciously over the top AVB remix post, Big Cheese says:

you can its tell AVB from the first baseline. Wow. hard driving cheese, in the most outsanding way. pretty sure PVD would rock this out too.

I am literally chuckling and smiling ear to ear with the awesome cheese as I type this. and the guitar come in.

lol. wow. thank for sharing

// Yesss don't even try and fight the sweet sweetness of that jam. It is so over the top.  Very glad you liked it. Even the structure of the song acknowledges that it only has one role to play: intro, build, build, build, mega cheese breakdown, outro. There is like 2:30 of outro. Why so much? Well, why not? You already got to the good part and you should be mixing into another song already. Who needs an ending once you're done with the middle? 

Re: my superb experience at the ball park years ago with himself and Future Mrs. Newbs, Ze Newbs says: 

Ahhhhh, those were the days. Sneaking warm, frothy beers into the yard. I'm not sure why I stopped that practice. While I do make more than $600/year now, it isn't like I can afford $10.25 a beer. Unrelated: I've got tickets for the [date redacted]. Consider yourself invited. Seats are closer to the field but beers won't be any colder/less frothy. 

//How did we sneak the beers in? Didn't we give them to Future Mrs. Newbs to carry in her handbag? IIRC they were too big to stuff into our pockets because they were tallboys. Maybe I gave my beers to her and you had yours in your pockets with a sweatshirt or jacket tied at the waist for stealth? Memory is faulty at best. I remember at least 16 oz of warm, foamy goodness per can. So good. Except not really good. Yet still somehow good.



Thanks for reading.

10 June 2013

No Takers?

Not Paleo
UPDATE: Occasional reader and regular baseball fan Ze Newbs has decided to take advantage of the limited time offer. So cookies are gone, for now. I'll let you know when I do it again.

--
Apparently my mini-contest didn't set the world on fire. The readership isn't interested in guessing games. Which I can understand.

Here's the thing: I need to get these g-damn fat cakes the fuck out of my house. I am sick with dough bloat. You want some cookies? Email me your shipping address. They go out tomorrow (Tuesday, 11 June).

Not sure how many it'll be. Figure a dozen or thereabouts. Depends how many I stuff in my face before I get them boxed up.

Don't forget that one of my favorite breakfasts is a cookie in the bottom of a bowl of Crispix. You usually always run out of cookie before you run out of cereal so best practice is to just slide another cookie under the floating cereal layer and carry on. I average four cookies per bowl. It really gets the day (and your diabetes) started.

This was the first batch of cookies in my current apartment. No I didn't move, I just never baked anything here. You care. The best part was that as I was in the middle of putting it together I noticed I was missing some key hardware. Had to cycle over to Jefe's house to borrow.

You probably think I didn't have a baking sheet or mixer or something. Ahh, no. I have a wide selection of premium baking implements, tools and appliances; I was missing the teaspoons I need to scoop the dough.* Why no teaspoons? Because the dinnerware got jettisoned a couple moves ago and I never re-bought because the Girl and I were going to move in together. We know how that worked out. :: sad faces ::

Jefe and his Mrs. came through so no bigs. I delivered them a generous portion of dough by way of thanks. Now they're sick with dough bloat too! Synergy!



* I imagine it is possible, in theory, to bake cookies without using teaspoons to scoop the dough but I've never done it in my many, many efforts. So F that noise.

09 June 2013

What Are You Looking At?

Guess Which One is Butterball McFatty and I Will Send You Cookies (SRSLY)
Wrote a different post to accompany this photo but after I read it I took it down. Mainly because it sucked.

Saved the picture though, which is good, because...

Bumped into a girl from the gym at the farmers market today and was talking about, what else, the gym.* I mentioned that she was featured on the gym website in a photo, asked how she felt about it. She said she didn't love the picture, but at least her "calves looked good".

I was too confused to laugh at first (Wait, what? Calves? Back up - were they even IN the picture?) but after a couple beats I had a good chuckle and she thought I was making fun of her. I wasn't, at least not intentionally. I was laughing about the disconnect between what we see from the inside vs. what other people see from the outside.

By way of example, in the photo above I see a lazy slob that didn't finish his workout on Friday and needs to work harder, maybe cut back on the desserts a little (maybe - I love desserts). You probably just see a bunch of people getting exercise. And you're not wrong. But neither am I.





*First rule of crossfit: you always have to talk about crossfit. Which is kind of silly because it's true of everything. What do you think the people in my yoga classes talk about? The shit they do in their free time, which: yoga.  **

** I miss talking about yoga with someone from class. It's a good way to digest the experience.

07 June 2013

The Worst

I hate those backpack blower things that the landscape maintenance guys use to push leaves / grass / dust around. HATE. They are more annoying than a piece of junk Hardly Dangerous motorcycle drive by, which is saying something. At least those things leave (eventually). The blower's constantly changing pitch and location is too loud to ignore, and too varied to numb out. It's specially designed to invade your ears. Ugh.

Planes? Fly that shit. Cars? Whatevs. Motorcycles? At least it's got two wheels. Music? Rock out. Loud 2-stroke motor blowing air? Fuck you.

06 June 2013

Repeat Offender - CUE IT UP AGAIN


Oh did you want that again, in a mashup? Because I got that for you right here. Guitars? Check. Strings? Check. Extra long build and breakdown? Check and check! This is some next-level shit, a music type designed for a narrow subset of people. But it is an exemplary example of its type. So.

Bring the Noise, with a Side of Cheese


My list of saccharine-sweet white-guy-music guilty pleasures has, at varying times, included some pretty damn suspect bands. Like, really suspect. I once paid good green American money for a Nickelback record. Which, in terms of discriminating taste, is equivalent to eating at a Taco Bell inside a Wal-Mart that shares a parking lot with McDonalds. There are numerous other dated examples.

I have a strong feeling that this remix is one of those tracks I will look back on and say, man, how did I listen to that shit? Because it's classic white-guy-music mixed with some mega-cheese synth trance? What the fuck?

But then I listen to it and it's great. So here we are. Judge all you want; I'll be over in the corner, getting my dance on.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU - THERE'S TOO MUCH AWESOME IN MY EARS.  AWESOME-Y? AWESOME-ISH? STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU.
CALL BACK TOMORROW.

04 June 2013

Things that I have seen: A Sunset at Pac Bell Park

We Were a Bit Further Down the Line (towards the fair pole)
Long time readers know how I feel about baseball (hint: I don't much care for it). But in Jonah Keri's rankings of the best ballpark experiences I was reminded of how great it can be to go to a baseball game.

Many years ago Ze Newbs dragged me to a ball game at the then Pac Bell Park. Future Mrs. Newbs was also in attendance; she's a fan, and it was good she was there to chaperone us in case we overindulged (probability of which was fixed at 100%).

We still joke about it because the Giants got spanked, I think by the Blue Jays, and although the score was something like 10-3 going into the 8th His Nibs refused to let us leave early. He's like that. The Jays tacked on a few more runs and we stuck around for the desultory, inevitable conclusion.

Our seats were in the way, way tippy top along the right-field line. Literally, we were in the very top row. It was a bit of a hike but we had a commanding view of the field and a panoramic view across the bay.

Downside was the beers we smuggled in were a bit frothy from the climb and when I cracked one open in the second inning my sneaky ankle-level opening technique (to avoid the hawkeyed septuagenarian security personnel) was directly behind the neck of the poor gentleman sitting in front of me. He caught some a considerable amount of the overspray on his neck/collar, which sucked for everyone, but mostly for him. It wasn't cool but what can you do? BEERS.

Another highlight of our vantage was that on a temperate early Fall night in the park you can watch the landscape directly in front of you cascade through a series of beautiful colors as the sun goes down. If you're very lucky it will be clear enough for the windows across the bay to reflect pinpoints of light as the sun sets way off to your left. Imagine a golden landscape with highlights of reflecting windows and the (otherwise hideous) Bay Bridge shimmering across the water. It was impossibly, absurdly beautiful, and I will never forget it.

There are no bad seats in Pac Bell AT&T Park but if you can get a ticket high on the right-field line then you are in for a treat. It helps to have awesome peeps to keep you company. Also the Giants will do baseball, if you're into that.

01 June 2013

It's good to have goals: Falcao


I invite you to watch this (annoyingly obscured around the edges) video of Radamel Falcao scoring unbelievable goals and tell me if he's right- or left-footed.

After watching it I think I have an idea but I'm not certain. There's no way to know.