Does Pandora know something I don't?

I don't like to read too much into the music that Pandora delivers, but sometimes I just can't help myself. This track, in particular, seems very danceable. And kind of makes me want to take my shirt off.*

Awkward?







* Before you cue up Pandora for your local dinner party be sure your playlist is either thoroughly vetted or fairly narrow in scope. If not you might get some weird europop mid-dinner and have splainin' to do.

Well allow me to retort: Buy an ipod touch

I have a long and difficult history with Apple products. I was a big proponent early on in my computer-using life but as my level of technical expertise grew I stopped drinking the Kool-Aid. But I have to admit: the ipod touch is one kickass good toy, especially in its current 64GB iteration.

My friend says:
And let the iphone go, its a tired misguided hatred. Almost everyone i know who has one absolutely adores it. Can you say that for any another phone/device? Oh well perhaps the i-pod. I stand corrected.

To which I say:
No. I reject the phone-ness of the iphone. As a handheld computer the iphone is the coolest thing there is (at least today). It has no competition. You can't even compare it to the droid (which is pretty nice). As a device for talking and texting it's a joke; my enV3 is far superior (and cheaper). So the ipod touch is, as my iphone-owning co-worker said, "the iphone without the shitty phone bits!"

Features that are unacceptable in a phone (touchscreen, no insurance, no way to change battery, and shite service and coverage) are either awesome (touchscreen) or irrelevant in the touch. Plus you get all the iphone stuff that makes people forget how weak the phone is. Which makes the ipod touch one of the coolest toys you can get your hands on.

PS. How f'd up is that kool-aid commercial?

I thought this was fake. It isn't.

Friend forwarded me this little gem:

http://www.eyecandybikinibar.com/

I use the word 'gem' very loosely. It seems like it might be a good business idea (because Hooters hasn't already cornered the market?) but then you take a look at the 'picture gallery' and you know you probably won't be stopping by any time soon. Then you go to the testimonials. And it makes your day:

Eye Candy is a great place to pick up Chicks ever since they opened I have bin getting laid on a regular basis.
-Ed da Silva
8765 gtrsa

My new hangout for sure! Ladies week was great, ladies Saturday night specials and RICH guys. The hot bartenders in bikinis bring in the guys and now with Ladies promos the gals are now coming in...keep up the specials!
-Stella

My new hang out. Good energy and easy on the eyes!
-DAVIDIAN
Irvine, CA

A great place to stop in and meet some friends, have a drink and relax. Great people, fun atmosphere and great owners, I heartily recommend Eye Candy Bikini Bar.
-Stephen Hill
Laguna Niguel, CA

Prevalent use of groove

Decided to go ahead and pay $36 for a year's subscription to Pandora. It really is a good deal, esp. considering you can stream the commercial-free music anywhere with an internet connection and a computer, or anywhere with a wifi connection if you have an ipod touch.* Or if you listen to music all day at work like I do.

So they break up the music into categories and assign definitions and some of them make sense ("four on the floor beats" - perhaps indicating music in 4/4 time?) but some of them are probably the product of some late nights and an abundance of hippie lettuce. My personal favorite is "prevalent use of groove". I want to get it printed on a t-shirt. I want people to say it when they describe me. "That dude, he makes prevalent use of groove." I want people to see me and know it instinctively.

The truth is it doesn't really describe me. I'm not cool like that. But a guy can dream, right?




* Yeah I hate touchscreens and loathe the iphone but the touch is everything that is cool about the iphone without the parts that don't work (i.e. the 'phone'). I was going to get a tablet thing but they are expensive and only 64GB of memory? Seriously? I can get that in an ipod touch. Weakest of sauces.

Online dating fail: Lie if you have to

The Fat Kid is still kicking around over in dating cyberspace. It's a fun distraction if nothing else.

No really great stories lately, but I have come across some good profiles. Here's one that sums up all the fail I've come to enjoy when someone fills out the "Last read" section:

The last book I read was The five love languages, US Weekly, and Twilight.

Translated, that means:
The last book I read was [some bullshit about why I'm single], [some bullshit about why famous people are single], and [teenage fantasy bullshit].

The last book I read was Dune in my list of Last Read books? Because I'm pretty sure it isn't. No wonder you're lonely. Also, I read it in high school. If you're going to throw Twilight in there at least balance it out with something not-awful.

Doing time at Riker's - get your dental issues sorted before you get there

Lil Wayne apparently isn't much for oral hygiene.

But he does has some shiny dental work. Platinum teef, as opposed to a platinum grill.

http://www.slate.com/id/2245622/

Excerpt:

The surgery was reported to have included eight root canals and other work on his gold- and diamond-encrusted teeth, which he claims are worth $150,000.

Lord help me I want to slap this guy in the face

I could give a shit about Tiger Woods. He plays golf, he's good at it, whatever. Rich white people everywhere feel better about themselves because he's sort of almost black and they like him. As a person he's... no idea, because I've never met him. As a media product he's paper thin, heavily controlled, and very well packaged. His highly public transgressions made for hilarious reading over on wwtdd.com, and I confess that I enjoyed that very much.

What the hell is the guy in this video doing? He's a professional announcer. This baglicking sack of mouthfart can't even get the words out after Woods deigned to speak to the media and assembled 'friends'. How about a little perspective? People are dying in wars all over the world. People in Haiti are about to start dying of dysentery and cholera. I'm turning 36 tomorrow. Fuck.

Turning 36, updating the online dating

The Fat Kid is turning 36 tomorrow. I'm ambivalent about it. On the one hand, turning 36. On the other hand, motorcycle. Trying to keep it in perspective. Or something. Motorcycle definitely helps. So does family & friends that care about me. If you're reading this, you're almost certainly one of those people.

In unrelated news I'm still trolling the internet for social opportunities over on match.com. I updated my tagline. It was 'Let's not ruin this moment with words', which I liked. Now it says "I'm eco-friendly in that I like cute girls that are into recycling & yoga", which regular readers may remember as a joke that I used in this space. I re-purposed it because I thought it was funny and it's actually true. Not sure what the talent will think. I'll let you know.

So how has my experience been so far? Well it hasn't been much. Definitely more opportunities than a typical week at work, the gym, and the other gym, so in that regard it's worth the $40. Barely.

Ps. Tiger Woods is a jackass.

Total Domination

Shaun White is kind of annoying in that overexposed, media-product sort of way. But he's also really good at what he does, and this superb essay goes a long way towards explaining why that is compelling entertainment.

Excerpt:

White is the most dominant American athlete at these Olympics. The gap between the Tomato and the other snowboarders is so immense that even a layman can see it. Watching from the bottom of the hill during training runs, it's easy to spot White from far away—before you make out his bib number, his team colors, or even his hair. You just watch for the dot that flies twice as high as the other dots.

I'm on a horse

Almost makes me want to buy some old spice body wash. Almost.

Economics of flying: Lose the weight

I had to sit next to an obese person on a cross-country flight earlier this year. It sucked. He should have bought two seats.

A lot of hot air has been kicked around (presumably by fat people, who are easily over-exerted) because Kevin Smith got booted from a flight for being too big to fit in his seat. (He had bought two seats but was flying standby and they didn't have two seats available - so he knows he doesn't fit in one seat.) An overweight person over on Salon weighs in with a sympathetic viewpoint. Leaving out the parts about being humiliated for being fat, let's examine the economics a bit more closely.

An overweight person buys a ticket. Roughly speaking, a ticket is a contract that gives you a seat on a plane. You know how big it is. You need to fit in it. If you cannot fit in the seat then you can buy two seats. It's not discrimination if you don't fit in the seat. No one is preventing you from flying. Other seats are available for more money; if you can't afford them that's tough luck. It's like buying a car that you don't like because it's cheap. If you're unhappy, buy a nicer car. If you can't afford a nicer car you need to adjust expectations or you're going to be very unhappy.

Also: It's very important to appreciate how much weight a plane can carry, whether it's passengers, mail, sweet Colombian flake, fuel, whatever. All else being equal, it's cheaper for the airline to fly skinny people than fat people. They would never tell you that, but they would looooove it if every flight was full of olympic gymnasts with only carry-ons, because they would save a shitload of money on gas. In other words: grossly overweight people that pay for only one ticket and then spill into your seat are actually driving the cost of your ticket UP at the same time as they are invading your personal space. So if you see someone get bounced off a plane, I don't think it's humiliating, I think I'm saving some money on a future ticket. (That's why you have to pay for luggage now, because airlines are losing money and luggage is heavy and expensive.)

In summary: I'm hungry.

Vegas 1, Spencer 0

A lot can happen in the greater Las Vegas Metro area. I had a good time in Vegas this weekend, but not as much fun as my roommate. Just embrace the before / after / after-after sequence of photos.

I didn't end up on roof of caesar's, but he almost did, because I was ready to punt him up there. It was a very long day, started at 1030 am, drinking beers at a rugby tournament. Did that all day, then had a short break where everyone but me & Spencer got rest. Spencer didn't get any rest because he drank TWO 5 Hour Energy drinks in 25 minutes. That's 600 minutes of energy in 25 minutes. So he was running in circles in the hotel room while I was trying to get some shuteye. Doing jumping jacks, etc. Not kidding. (His liver must be made of adamantium. They should get NASA to study it. I think it could beat up Wolverine. Or China.) Then we went out to dinner and the clubs until 6 AM.

Since I was up at 6 am in the car just one day earlier it was a tough go. Spencer was so cockeyed he rode the whole way home in the trunk of the SUV with the luggage, curled up in the fetal position.

He followed that up with a quiet, introspective afternoon on the couch. It was the Daytona 500 so he put his racing hat on.

Not sure this qualifies as 'huge'

Title of this vid is 'huge sled jump goes wrong'. I think huge is giving it a lot of credit. It's more like 'sled jump goes wrong' or 'sled jump results in guy getting hit in the groinballs'.

That's my roommate at the end of the human chain, getting pummeled by the sledder. If you listen closely you can hear the 'oh crap' just before the sled hits the ramp. Way to hang in and take it on the jumbly bits, buddy.

It's Hard Trance / Techno Anthem MuthaF*ckin FRIDAY over here. If you haven't been following on lamebook (and why would you?) we've been working our way up to it all week. Gotta get through the week somehow. Plus I got a new short-term neighbor in the office next door. Not sure if he's the Hard Trance / Techno Anthem MuthaF*ckin' FRIDAY type, but I expect to find out today. KICK OUT THE JAMS!!! SOMEBODY GET ME A GLOWSTICK!

What I'm not doing this weekend

Going to Vegas this weekend. Won't be doing this. It's too cold for pool parties. So I'll leave my shirt on. Might still wear the hat though.

From the outside looking in

My feelings about creationism have already been covered in this space before. Here's the short version: It's bunk, and there is no 'debate' in the credible scientific community. Evolution is a fact, and until you provide scientific evidence of creationism it will be taught in theology class, along with the other creation myths.

So I find this particularly entertaining:
School's sacking of Christian science teacher divides town in Bible belt

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/feb/10/brand-cross-christian-science-teacher

Sample paragraph:
While the school board would appear to have a commanding case, Freshwater and his supporters managed to persuade a large part of the town, on the edge of the Appalachia region, popularly regarded as culturally backward and home to about three dozen churches and an evangelical university, that the issue is about his religious rights.

It isn't, but you can't expect a zealous Christian to understand that.

VNV Nation is good for you

This is a warmup for Hard Trance / Techno Anthem Friday. Just so you know what we've got on the jukebox. You can hit 'play' and just shrink the window. Track is audio only. Or you can hit play and review my words of wisdom further down the page. Either way.

Froomin, meet Butt

Imagine introducing Frank Butt and Marty Froomin, two members of the SJSU faculty, to one another:

Me: Froomin, Butt
Butt: Froomin
Me: Butt, Froomin
Froomin: Butt

Online dating, but also blogging

The fat kid decided to re-enter cyberspace, look for some social opportunities. (Read: excuses to get out of the house.) I have described it (repeatedly) as a waste of time. It still is, but I've got time to waste. So here we are.

Last time around I expected to get some good results. I didn't, so this time we are setting our sights a little lower. And we're going to make sure to share any good stories in this space.

Yes that is an actual screencap of my profile. Feel free to get on match.com and review it for yourself if you've also got some time to waste.

First things first, age is just a number it's cramping my style. The cutoff for many of my potential matches(late 20's, early 30's) is 35, so my birthday next week is seriously fucking up my program. Looks like I'm going to have to win some hearts and minds. Good thing I'm so g-damn handsome. Must be all those years of clean living. Or something.

The internet delivers: Photos (again)

This is flying around the internet at the speed of the nation's T1 connection, so apologies if you've seen it already.

It's still funny.

Hat tip to Scott for sending it to me.

Now with video!

Someone posted this sweet video:



with the comment: 4:51

in response to this post from me:

In unrelated news, Roger Federer has romped to the final of another major tournament (2010 Australian Open), which gives us an opportunity to revisit one of my all-time favorite authors. This 2006 piece by D. F. Wallace doesn't finish as strongly as it starts, but it's still superb. An example:
----
Anyway, that’s one example of a Federer Moment, and that was merely on TV — and the truth is that TV tennis is to live tennis pretty much as video porn is to the felt reality of human love.
----
Way to plus it, internet!

Was there a football game this weekend?

I decided that this week is going to be better than last week. Even when I get my (probably bad) tax news on Wednesday, it will be a step in the right direction. In an effort to set the proper tone I'm posting pics of my motorcycle. Because motorcycles are awesome, but some are more awesome than others.

Next week it's my birthday week so GET EFFING EXCITED.

Congrats, Saints!

How much is that information worth to you?

I got a fix-it ticket earlier this week for having tinted windows. I've been driving with windows of the same tint for the past 8 years (7 in one car, and 1 in another). Not sure how many cops I've driven past, but it's a lot. I've even been pulled over on other bullshit but not cited (I say bullshit because the cop thought I was a teenager out after curfew and pulled me over because my car was new and didn't have plates installed yet - this also says something about my taste in cars but whatever). So the tinted windows thing is arbitrary and ridiculous. It's not the law that bugs me, it's the arbitrary enforcement, and the fact that I have to get my tint removed, ticket signed off, and then get my windows re-done. So why write a ticket at all? Are you in league with the window tint guys? Or just bored?

That was an added expense I can't afford right now, so in an effort to save some money on gas I drove my motorcycle in to work yesterday.* When I got home I had a $55 ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant. Not in a red zone, because the curb was unmarked. The minimum distance is 15', which I did not know. If I did know I might not have parked my car there, in front of my house, EVERY DAY for the past THREE MONTHS. I'd rather not pay $55 for that information, but the price is fixed. Maybe they can use the money to paint the curb?

Total tickets this week: 2
Total tickets in previous 3 years (put together): 1 (parking ticket in newport - expired meter)



*San Clemente is miserable. It's a shit suburb of nowhere with all the originality and charm of a McDonalds built inside a Starbucks. In that regard it's similar to the other 'bedroom communities' in south county, but it has the added disadvantage of being closer to Camp Pendleton (hooray for bad haircuts and acid-washed jeans) and further from places you might actually want to go (Laguna? Newport?). Never thought I'd suggest that Aliso Viejo was better than anywhere, but it's better than San Clemente, which is pretty much the last word on how bad San Clemente sucks.

Never underestimate the power of fear. Or ignorance.

Actual conversation I just had in the break room with the lady in adjacent office.

Her: I'm glad I don't have a Toyota right now - I used to have one and if I still did I'd be a little nervous.

Me: Why?

Her: It's scary, don't you think? Why are they doing this huge recall if nothing is wrong?

Me: No it isn't. They are doing the recall in response to the fear that was created by the news, not in response to the problem itself. These parts fail at a rate that is statistically insignificant to the point that Toyota cannot determine if a problem even exists, never mind fix it.

Her: Well, it's not an issue for me any more since I drive a Honda now.

Me: Honda uses the same part. [Punches self in face.]

I heart the internet

ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

It's up to you

Terry Pratchett used to be my favorite author. I have read almost all his books (and there are many); he's responsible for fleshing out (pun intended) some of my favorite characters of all time.

He was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease. He has also begun to campaign for the rights of those diagnosed with fatal diseases to die on their own terms. He proposes 'assisted death tribunals', which is a court of arbitration that will decide whether or not you should be allowed to make this kind of decision.

Regardless of how you feel about a person's right to die, Pratchett raises an interesting point. Specifically: very often someone that wants to die is accused of being insane or irrational, and the people providing the 'care' are held up as rational and sane. "He's not in his right mind," they'll say. "He doesn't know what he wants, that's just the dementia talking." Is it really?

This was covered very interestingly in the book The Corrections by J. Franzen. One of the main characters suffers from Parkinson's disease, and as his life falls to pieces he becomes increasingly desperate to bring it to an end. The other characters treat this as a symptom of his dementia, but it's actually a symptom of clarity. Imagine his distress when his 'caregivers' treat his few truly lucid thoughts as insanity.

Why shouldn't you have a right to make a choice about your life? It's yours, after all. If you can take the whole of your relationships into account and you determine that you would rather not deteriorate slowly into dementia then you should be able to manage it however you want.

Make yourself at home

Out sick today. Slept in really late, ate cookies in cereal for lunch*, and was all set to get back to my afternoon nap and guess who beat me to it? It's my fault for leaving my door open so invitingly. At least she didn't chew any more of the buttons off my duvet, although she did bring my shirt into the bed for some company. Not sure if she had a chance to snack on any of the buttons on the shirt. It's one of her vices, buttons.

As I type this she's headed back towards my room again after a brief trip outside to tell the neighbor's dog to pipe down. A girl gets tired barking at the neighbors.




*Homemade chocolate chip cookies in the bottom of a bowl of crispix, if you must know. It's probably better for you than, say, a breakfast burrito, but not as good as a bowl of oatmeal. (Unless you make oatmeal the Irish way, in which case it's more like a bowl of butter with brown sugar and a splash of oats w/ cream on top. If you do make oatmeal this way, why haven't you invited me over for breakfast? )

"Me has this report."

This is why I don't watch the news. Because television is dumb, and television news is, like, dumber.

Rollergirl is 40 today

Somebody had a birthday!
Heather Graham turned 40 today. Which gives me an excuse to post this picture. It is barely safe for work but 100% safe for jesus-christ-that-girl-is-outrageously-good-looking.

The female readership can feel free to scroll on down. Or Google "Christiano Ronaldo Armani" if you're feeling left out.

Something for everyone!

Roger Federer as Religious Experience

J. D. Salinger died this week. I don't know that I could be less affected by this non-event. I always thought Catcher in the Rye was a phony pile of horseshit, mostly because it's about a rich, prep-school, 'disaffected' teen and I grew up not-rich, not prep-school, and would have given a lot for either, never mind both. So reading 180 pages of someone complaining about how tough they have it (when they really didn't have it tough at all) never sat very well with me. Teenagers like it because it explains one of the harsh lessons you learn in adolescence; specifically: while you are the center of your own universe, you're not the center of THE universe. As my kind and generous father would have said: "Whatever. Go blend me a margarita."

In unrelated news, Roger Federer has romped to the final of another major tournament (2010 Australian Open), which gives us an opportunity to revisit one of my all-time favorite authors. This 2006 piece by D. F. Wallace doesn't finish as strongly as it starts, but it's still superb. An example:

Anyway, that’s one example of a Federer Moment, and that was merely on TV — and the truth is that TV tennis is to live tennis pretty much as video porn is to the felt reality of human love.

Thanks for reading.

Time for some jiu-jitsu!

Some Brazilian jiu-jitsu videos today.
Two videos featuring Romulo Barral, who weighs in at about 185ish lbs. and is famous for, among other things, making the finals in the 'open' division at world-class tournaments and occasionally winning (but also occasionally losing - most notably to Roger Gracie, who is much bigger). Barral usually enters tournaments at 'medium heavy', with an upper weight limit of 191 lbs.

As far as I can tell the submission in both videos is the same: a cross collar choke. Don't quote me, though, because it's hard for me to tell from the angle, but they do look similar. The first one is against Demian Maia in 2007. Second video is from 2009 Pan Am games.

Analyzing the second video I'm not sure I agree with the strategy of going to half-guard (easy for me to say, I know). By that I mean I don't agree with the guy that ends up on the bottom pulling to half guard, enabling Barral to go on top and put on a clinic. You want to make your opponent uncomfortable, and Barral doesn't look anything like uncomfortable in the fight; he looks like he's in command. On the other hand you want to BE comfortable, so if the guy felt comfortable in the half-guard then that's a good place to take the fight. If your opponent (Barral) is superior then at least he beat you at your own game.

Romulo Barral at the 2009 Pan Am BJJ Games from Julian Frost on Vimeo.

Those things will get you every time

This from The Onion:

Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwich

G-Wash - what the f*ck up?

No idea where this originally comes from. I got it from a forum I visit. And now I'm sharing it with you.

Who needs text?

This is becoming a video and picture-heavy blog lately.
I'll do something interesting with text when I have time.
Until then, cheese! (Hat tip to Zach.)

Love is All You Need

Enjoyed this.
I'm late to it but whatever. You don't care.

Best defense is a good offense

Counter-attacking goals from the Arsenal. My favorites: the one that starts with Henry fielding a headed corner-clearance (@ 18 seconds in the video), and the last one, because that is ridiculous.

I like a girl that knows her way around the kitchen

Roommate was out of town last weekend so I looked after the dog. We made cookies. She was a huge help in the kitchen. She prefers to lay down in high-traffic areas and take a nap, although she will get up and get in your way when you want take something out of the oven. She's good like that.

She also likes to bring one of her chew-toys, in case you didn't have one handy. Because they are super handy when strewn about on the kitchen floor. Super. Handy.

Graffiti(?)

This is hardly news by now, and it's hardly underground except for the fact that Banksy is still anonymous and makes his work available on his website for free. In other words he's Shepard Fairey before Shepard Fairey sold out. And for my money, Banksy is better, Obama poster or not.

Banksy is known primarily for his stencil work, and also for his ability to throw burners in hard to reach, high-traffic areas. Which is why he works in stencil, because it's faster than just using spray cans. He also brilliantly incorporates elements from the environment into his art (note the grating in the boombox from the bboy work).

Images taken direct from the Banksy website, with full credit to him. I'd say they were copyrighted but they aren't, because he's over it.

Enjoy more here:

http://www.banksy.co.uk/

I know, I can't get enough of them either

Yeah this is like playing Prince at a wedding to get people on the dance floor (i.e. it's cheating) but I'll take what I can get this week.

I've been busy

Yeah you don't care so here's a quick slice of funny to keep you warm.

Moar internet meme, skillfully combining engrish, Aliens, and babies. (I laughed.)

Best memes

Internet memes are funny.
LOLcats are an internet meme, and if there's a more reliable laugh than a cat photo with a funny caption then I haven't seen it.

The cat photo is a combination of the lolcat and invalid argument memes, which makes it 2x as awesome. Second favorite: bunny with a pancake on its head.

Here's a list of the best memes of 2009:

http://www.holytaco.com/25-best-memes-2009

The truth hurts

Sent this note to a friend. Now I'm sending it to the General Public (you).
-----------------------------------
Small victories: I just got done dominating a cappuccino it's it. So good. I thought I'd let you know that the SoPTKWTFTATA* released the definitive list of the best it's it flavors, in descending order:

1. Chocolate
1. Cappuccino
1. Vanilla
28. A punch in the face.
3327. Severe earthquake in the poorest country in the Western hemisphere.
(Infinity-1). Mint

If you didn't get the monthly SoPTKWTFTATA newsletter maybe your dues are in arrears. I'll have the treasurer (my dog) get in touch with you. Maybe you sent it in and she ate it. Hard to know.

love you,
-c-


*Society of People That Know WTF They Are Talking About - If you're not a member there's a reason. Just sayin'. (I'm a charter member, if you must know.)

Unsolicited feedback on the McGwire stupidness

Why is this McGwire stuff news? Why do people care? Did anyone not already know he had taken performance enhancing drugs? What exactly is a performance enhancing drug, anyway? Because when I drink a couple bourbons I'm like kryptonite to the bitches. It ENHANCES my PERFORMANCE, is what I mean. Hey, is this thing on?

I told my friend Sonia:

ahh, it's so lame. I love all the hand-wringing and concern. Like this is news. And how Selig said he will be 'welcomed back to the game'. Like he was in exile somewhere? He lives in Shady Canyon and plays golf 4 days a week. I have seen him at the grocery by Jeff's house.* He got bored. He took drugs that weren't even prohibited by baseball. So what? The incentive was to get paid tens of millions of dollars and be idolized. The judgy sportswriters will have a field day trying to figure out if he should go in the hall of fame. (More on this, and Jon "Hey-man I'm an Idiot", when I have time.) Now McGwire is crying because he's a liar and, depending on who you believe, a cheat. Grow up already you weak-chinned sissy.

Hall of Fame req's: you can stab an elevator attendant for being an "uppity n*****" (like Ty Cobb did), or you can be an avowed racist and segregationist (take a bow, Kenesaw Mountain Landis), and you can eat amphetamines like tic tacs (Joe Morgan waves hello!), but you better not take any drugs to improve your strength and reduce recovery time. That would be terrible! You're ruining the game! [rends garments, gnashes teeth, stares longingly at SI cover of Mickey Mantle]


*Actually true.

I like it when somebody else does the heavy lifting

10 jokes about Sarah Palin joining Fox news.

http://www.mnftiu.cc/2010/01/11/10-jokes-about-sarah-palin-joining-fox-news/

Take it away, David Rees:

Timmy was watching Fox News with his grandpa. “You see, Timmy, these guys tell the truth. They don’t spin the news,” said Grandpa. Timmy said, “But, Grandpa, mommy says this channel is for sexually frustrated warmongering ideologues.” “Be quiet– the Life Alert commercial is on!” yelled Grandpa as his hands slid beneath the blanket on his lap.

It's good to have goals (HONK!)

This selection courtesy the Guardian:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2010/jan/08/joy-of-six-solo-goals

They left out many of my favorites but you can't argue that their choices are unworthy (the George Best goal excepted - it's good but it's not good enough). I had a hard time deciding to embed the Romario goal or the Baggio goal, but I settled on Baggio because he had an awesome big-80's soccer haircut and also adorned the door of my friend Brian in college (The Best Ever, indeed). Baggio was Henry before there was Henry: imperious, technical, brilliant. He would break your spirit with his technique, then infuriate you with his attitude. Bless him.

Thanks for reading.

Mortgages + Hypocrisy = Awesome

Wall Street (and the Wall Street cronies in Washington) think you should pay your mortgage, even if, in purely financial terms, it's a bad investment.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Feel free to be smarter than that and walk away from your house if it's not a good deal. (I did.)

The NYT Magazine makes a compelling case for making a sound financial decision, and outlines the hypocrisy coming out of Wall Street and Washington (courtesy regular reader Brian):

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/10/magazine/10FOB-wwln-t.html?hp

And given that nearly a quarter of mortgages are underwater, and that 10 percent of mortgages are delinquent, White, of the University of Arizona, is surprised that more people haven’t walked. He thinks the desire to avoid shame is a factor, as are overblown fears of harm to credit ratings. Probably, mortgagees also labor under a delusion that their homes will quickly return to value. White has argued that the government should stop perpetuating default “scare stories” and, indeed, should encourage borrowers to default when it’s in their economic interest. This would correct a prevailing imbalance: homeowners operate under a “powerful moral constraint” while lenders are busily trying to maximize profits. More important, it might get the system unstuck. If lenders feared an avalanche of strategic defaults, they would have an incentive to renegotiate loan terms. In theory, this could produce a wave of loan modifications — the very goal the Treasury has been pursuing to end the crisis.

Treat you like my sticky ickey or my sweet oowy goowy (fa real though)

This might be my new favorite song. I have heard it numerous times at the 24 hr fitness but never paid attention to the lyrical magic contained therein. I was missing out, as you can see below. ('Azucar' is Spanish for "sugar", FYI. Or maybe it's Spanish for "you're a champ for riding this tard-train all the way to the station". Not sure.)

courtesy: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/babybash/sugasuga.html

"Suga Suga"
(feat. Frankie J)

So tight, so fly
You got me lifted, you got me lifted

[Chorus (Frankie J.):]
You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceiling
And ooh wee it’s the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Sugar how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?

[Baby Bash]
You know its leather when we ride
We're flinging rawhide
Doing what we do, watching screens getting high
Gurl you keep it so fly with you sweet hunnybuns
You was there when the money was gone
You’ll be there when the money comes
Off top I can't lie I love to get blowed
You my lil'sugar, I'm yo little chulo
And every time we kick it it’s off to the groovy
Treat you like my sticky ickey or my sweet oowy goowy (fa real though)

[Chorus (Frankie J.)]

[Baby Bash]
Now I ain't worried about a thang cause I just hit me a lick
I got a fat sack and a superfly chick
There ain't nothing you can say to a playa
Cause doowop, she fly like the planes in the air
That’s right she’s full grown setting the wrong tone
I'm digging the energy and I'm loving the o-zone
So fly like a dove so fly like a raven
Quick to politic with some fly conversation
In a natural mood then I'm a natural dude
And we some natural fools blowing out by the pool
She like my sexy-cool mama with blades on her berata
Rockin' Dolce Gabbana (Italian) with highdrows and a Cubana

[Chorus (Frankie J.)]

[Brige]
You know its leather when we ride
We're flinging rawhide
Doing what we do, watching screens getting high
Gurl you keep it so fly with you sweet hunnybuns
You was there when the money was gone
You’ll be there when the money comes

You know its leather when we ride
We're flinging rawhide
Doing what we do, watching screens getting high
Gurl you keep it so fly with you sweet hunnybuns
You was there when the money was gone
You’ll be there when the money comes (fa real though)

[Chorus (Frankie J.)]

So high like I'm a star
So high like I'm a star
So high like I'm a star
So high like I'm a star

Azucar

Big 80's

Some good stories coming when I get a few minutes, but in the short term here's a song from 1984. If you listen to it instead of watching the video it's strangely... good.

New: Bike photos

If you aren't a friend on lamebook or only happen on this space by accident, I posted some pics of my motorcycle in a new flickr set. Few examples here, many more on flickr. Thanks for looking.
You can see it here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/34402193@N06/sets/72157622915761109/

They call him King Kenny for a reason

This is video of Kenny Roberts Sr. riding his insanely fast motorcycle around the flat track in Indy to commemorate his famous victory there back in 1975. They outlawed this bike immediately after he won because it was both faster and lighter than the HD competition. (HD was a major sponsor of the series and could not compete with this bike.) Problem was it took brass balls to ride it. So much so that when other riders were given the opportunity to take it for a spin many of them passed, Ben Bostrom (who is a fucking badass and no mistake) a notable exception. Rumor was that Rossi himself was suited & booted but when he saw Kenny ride it he decided he would skip. (I mention this as both an example of Kenny's awesomeness and also as an example of how it takes more courage to know your limits than it does to just ignore them and die.)

If you don't get goosebumps when KR hammers the throttle at the start finish line to start his 'demo lap' then call a doctor to restart your cold, dead heart. Haven't ridden in a year? No problem. You used to kick ass for a living, after all.

Hat tip to Hell for Leather.

Moar Videoes

I'm on vacation, but if you want to kill some time here's some advertising you might enjoy.
My favorite is embedded above.

http://www.bestofthe2000s.com/commercial-of-the-decade.html

I heart typography*

This is just awesome.

http://ilovetypography.com/2009/12/08/graphic-masterpieces-of-yakov-g-chernikhov-the-collection-of-dmitry-y-chernikhov/


And all done on a drafting board. I almost bought a copy of the book just on general principle.








*Actually true.

I love the holidays*

This via my friend Scott.













*Not strictly true.

They don't make them like they used to

The Fat Kid (me) has been busy. Not busy with anything interesting, just, you know, CoD:MW2/gym/work busy. Definitely not socially busy (more on that shortly).

First things first, I enjoyed the hell out of this portfolio of machinery and machinists.

View it here:

http://portfolio.streetnine.com/machinery/?utm_source=20x200+List+-+Survey+A&utm_campaign=1433b3ad0c-Tuesday_Edition_Joseph_O_Holmes_200_Minute&utm_medium=email

It reminds me of my grandfather.

There was a time when you could find guys like this all over the country. They have largely been replaced by computers and, more tragically, 'moved offshore'. Now we give them their own television shows*, make them into obnoxious celebrities manque (even if they build appalling, unrideable junk). Barf.

There was a time (pre-Craftsman) when good hand tools were beyond the reach of the recreational mechanic. They were either wildly expensive, or they were junk. My grandfather was an accomplished mechanic and woodworker and he bought an antique wooden block plane in the 50s that was already 100 years old. He bought it from a furniture store that was using it as, and I am not kidding, a decoration. He immediately put it back into service, which is where I encountered it in the mid 80's. When he died my grandmother asked if I wanted any of his stuff; I identified two things: his dog tags from WWII, and the block plane. Those two things said more about him than anything else I could think of.

He would have looked right at home in the machinist pictures.

Sad ending: I got his dog tags, but not the block plane. My uncle took it in one of his many scavenging missions through the house before my grandfather died. (He couldn't take the dog tags because my grandfather had them on his key ring.) In the end it's good that someone wanted it. I think.



* I should point out that Jesse James has legit cred and it's maybe not fair to lump him with the Teutul clowns. His bikes are lame but the guy has real talent as a fabricator and builder. More importantly, he's not a loudmouth asshole, he's just an asshole. There's a difference.

Headfirst Down A Mountain

I mean really head first, not leaning forward on skis.

I wasn't sure how fast this guy was going. It looks fast, but how fast is it? Fast enough to catch a motorcyclist and a car, so probably faster than the posted speed. And when your face is 2 inches off the ground that must feel incredibly fast. And crashing headfirst into anything at any speed is going to kill you. Those concrete pylons (death, every single one of them) are flying by at a pretty good clip. So this is both insane and awesome.

http://www.gamaniak.com/video/3625

Rare, like Mr. Clean with hair

The 'war on drugs' is a joke. But this might actually work.

Less funny, but still fun: photo of the bike w/ me on it

I call the color "low profile orange". You can hardly notice it. It's like permanent stealth mode. Very subtle. Understated.

That's me gazing at the temps, waiting for the engine to warm up so I can ride away. I would have made a rude gesture at the photographer but I was too afraid of dropping the bike. They have a tendency to tip over when they're not moving.

I'll throw a couple more of these on flickr and fbook if I have time, so if you already saw them there than that's one more reason to stop wasting time on facebook.

Safety First

It's important to wear proper protection when you're on two wheels. That means helmet, back protector (under the jacket), jacket w/ some kind of armor in shoulders and elbows, sturdy riding pants with impact protection in the knees, riding boots, and gloves.

It's especially key when your fancy bike has flames on it. Grrrrrr!

(Hat tip to Spencer for letting me borrow his bike to cruise around the neighborhood. And for taking my picture.)

I know funny when I see it: WWTDD Dominates

No pictures again. I know you prefer the pictures so I'll get that sorted out this week. Don't want to tease you with the details but let's just say my motorcycle photographs well.

Sometimes people tell me I'm funny. That's a generous compliment, but the truth is I have a good memory and I know a lot of funny people. And I steal from them. Seriously. I do this all the time. The next original joke I tell will be the first one.

Also I read funny websites, articles, and books. One of my favorite websites is wwtdd.com. Tyler is borderline NSFW, so if you're curious, check it from home. The guy that writes Tyler is named Brendon (sp?), and I don't know much about him except he's a meathead ex-marine from Lousiana, I think he lives in LA, and he's the most consistently funny person on the web that I know of. My favorite recent example:

Yesterday there were a bunch of pictures (like this one) of Colin Farrell on vacation in Mexico. I didn’t download any of them of course, because if I wanted to see some short-fused drunk mick with his shirt off I would go to my family reunions.

You and me both, buddy. You and me both.

Apparently they don't know what time it is*

Nobody in the news room could help with this?

In case the link expires someday (and it will), here's the full correction text from The Washington Post:

A Nov. 26 article in the District edition of Local Living incorrectly said a Public Enemy song declared 9/11 a joke. The song refers to 911, the emergency phone number.

Fear of a Black Planet came out in 1990. NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY. So it predates the terrorist attacks just a wee bit.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/02/AR2009120201455.html



*Yes that is a reference to Flava Flav's clock accoutrements. No joke too cheap over here, as per usual.

Forest Service Photos

More pretty pictures.
Not much to say about these except that I liked them.

http://www.acontinuouslean.com/2009/11/19/the-us-forest-service/

That might need some context

In case you missed it, Kitten Mittens was the funniest part of a (supposedly) funny show that I don't watch. INTERNET TO THE RESCUE.

This guy needs some kitten mittens

This cat makes too much noise.

Looks like it hurts

I thought this was cool.
Not sure how 'artistic' it is, but whatever. I'm not picky.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/gallery/2009/dec/02/photography?picture=356332431

Motherf*ckin' jujubi

This via the 'zine Hell for Leather, who currently leads the web in the category of two-guys-that-are-doing-shit-I-wish-I-were-doing-that-are-not-named-Walter-Iooss-Jr.

I don't know what 'jujubi' means but I know it's not cool to shoot your enemy in the back. And knowing is half the battle.

Celebrating Darwin

Big day in history today. Darwin was born on this day in 1809. It's caused the usual kerfluffle about the "debate" over creationism and evolution but that's to be expected.

I hesitate to call people that believe in creationism stupid because I know some very smart, very successful people that think it's the gospel truth, in spite of the fact that there is no proof for it or 'intelligent design'. It should be noted that their success was not in a field of rigorous scientific study. Better to just agree to disagree and let Dawkins fight the good fight.

People used to think the sun revolved around the earth, that the world was flat, etc, and so forth. Science will win out in the end, but there's no use trying to combat willful ignorance, especially of a religious nature.

You can get some forward-thinking encouragement from other parts of the world, though. In England they put a picture of Darwin on their 10 pound note. I keep one in my wallet just on general principle.

High as a Georgia pine

This is funny as hell. It's too bad it was on radio because there's no swear words, and I'm confident that Dock Ellis would have used some swear words in a typical retelling of the story, and it would have been funnier.

Note that he talks about the frequent/common use of stimulants in baseball. Not officially a performance enhancing drug though, because it wasn't banned. I've covered that hypocrisy at length already. Search this blog for 'Barrold Bonds' or the phrase "fucking idiots" and you'll find the posts.

Anyways, great animation, great (true) story. Enjoy.

Music

We do a brisk trade in sad songs over here at GJAW. If you want rap music you can get that somewhere else, but if you want some melody and guitar then you've come to the right place.

I wanted to embed a video of a live performance of Bon Iver song from Glastonbury but I couldn't work that out. Something about copyrights and geography. You'll have to watch it and listen via some kind of foreign website. You could check it on his myspace page, or catch up with it on Letterman, but where's the fun in that? The definitive version (for me) is the Glastonbury performance; I think it shows off the strength of the song in a way that even the studio version fails to do. But that's me.

Enjoy.

The internet delivers: Photos (weird, I know)

Superb little photo gallery of photos from Andy Warhol via the Danziger Projects via the New York Times. I would reproduce a photo here but I'd be in violation of several copyrights and that wouldn't be cool. Or legal. Click the New York Times link above for a good look at some highlights from the collection.

I will reproduce the text from Kathy Ryan, Director of Photography of New York Times Magazines, because her description is excellent:

There is a small gem of a show at Danziger Projects right now, featuring a little-known trove of Polaroids by Andy Warhol of famous athletes. They were commissioned by one collector in the late 1970s and early ’80s. The simplicity of Warhol’s method — straightforward portraits shot with the Big Shot camera — gives the tiny images (4 1/4″ x 3 3/8″) a purity and sincerity that belies the radiance and aura of greatness coming from the sitters. Even today, there is something tingle-inducing about seeing Muhammad Ali, Dorothy Hamill, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Chris Evert, Pelé, Tom Seaver and Wayne Gretzky captured at the height of their youthfulness and fame. These portraits, made by the ultimate connoisseur of fame himself, have aged beautifully. The show is up through Dec. 12 at 534 West 24th Street.*


* Courtesy/copyright NYT and Kathy Ryan.

Manny Pacquiao will fight you, and he will kick your ass

It's rare that you can say much about boxing these days. The fight business is a joke because of shady promoters, too many competing organizations, and a host of other problems, not least of which is worthy champions, especially at the heavyweight level.

Usually when people talk about the 'good old days' in sports it's complete bullshit. The players are better now than they have ever been. This is true in every major American sport, and also in the most popular sport in the world (soccer). However, it's not true in boxing. The champions of the past would literally pummel the champions of today (with a very few notable exceptions). And the mid-level guys from back in the day? They would walk all over the 'talent' in the current era. These facts are not in dispute. I mention them only because occasionally there IS something in boxing worth talking about, and that something is Manny Pacquiao.

The good news is that Manny Pacquiao has cemented his legacy as one of the all-time great fighters by taking on yet another tough opponent and beating the tar out of him. This is after he torched a well-past-his-prime Oscar De La Hoya (in a beating so savage and severe I was concerned for De La Hoya's long-term health), and exposed Ricky Hatton as an overmatched punching bag. Pacquiao's dismantling of Miguel Cotto is the last, best example anyone should need that this guy is not just handling mid-level competition; he takes on tough fighters and still dominates. Floyd Mayweather is the only guy left that can give him a fight, so let's hope Money Mayweather put his money where his mouth is and fights him. Preferably sooner than later.

Adjusting my target demographic

A girl asked me out yesterday at work. That only happens to me roughly every 5 years, so I was very flattered. Apparently she wasn't sufficiently deterred by what friend Jeff calls my "MMA/Eurotrash" haircut.

I was relating the story at lunch today and realized that part of the reason I'm flying solo these days is that although my lifestyle/hobbies are awesomely cool to teenage boys, it's not quite so awesome to successful twentysomething professional bitches.* I know, I couldn't believe it either. For example, here's a list of all the shit that is awesome when you're 16 that I do now:

• practice jiu-jitsu
• play xbox (mostly CoD4:MW2 lately, and if you don't know what that is then it just further illustrates my point)
• live at my friend's house - underrated awesomeness
• play guitar - actually most girls like this, but it still makes the list
  
• get tattoos - no new ones recently but still
• ride motorcycles
• floss the mma/eurotrash haircut
  
• read science fiction books
• read wwtdd.com
  
• watch science fiction movies
• drink beer

Oh hell yes. If loving any of that is wrong I don't want to be right. I thought about making some adjustments but then I remembered that I love doing this stuff and not doing it would just bring me down. Fuck that noise.
Who wants to go for a ride?


*I mean girls that are professionals, not girls that specialize in being bitches, although I've dated a few of both types.

Pump it up!

I'm late for the gym but I just watched this video and now I'm PUMPED!

Not sure I like the hook

If you can make it through four minutes of this then you're amazing. I managed 120 seconds and that was it. I don't want to knock it because the guy is trying really hard and this is not easy and I respect that but... umm... watch the video and you'll see what I mean.

My kind of girl

I posted this on lamebook but if you missed it there here's your chance to get involved.

Pictured is the dog I live with. It's not technically my dog, although she is making herself comfortable in my bed. She especially likes to get in there right after I'm up in the morning and brushing my teeth. She manages to make herself surprisingly comfortable in just 2 short minutes.

I like how she manages to maximize her coverage of the pillow on which I sleep. It's warm and smells like me - what could be better than that? How about a pillow that doesn't smell like dog? Can I get one of those? No? Oh. Okay.

I love this dog and she knows it, although we did have a bit of an issue when she ate one of the buttons off my duvet. She's a good dog for the most part. Occasionally she acts up when she doesn't get enough exercise, and she sheds like a bomb going off, but besides that she's about as good as a dog can be.

The moon sometimes looks like a C, but you can't eat that!

This goes out to my friend Katie. We were talking about the cookie monster years ago and I still laugh about it. It's the gift that keeps on giving. C is for cookie, people.

Troy Patterson, slate TV critic and, more significantly, person whose work I enjoy reading that is also likely to use words I don't know, wrote a short essay about the Cookie Monster. It is both awesome and hilarious.

Full version here.

Short excerpt:

The most monstrous of Sesame Street's monsters, he is desire turned comic-grotesque. In an important sign of his derangement, Cookie Monster is the only core character to sport bobbling pupils in his eyes. His signature song, "C Is for Cookie," is a pub song invested with rousing grandeur, an anthem to monomania. "Let's think of other things that starts with C," he growls, before entertaining second thoughts. "Ah, who cares about the other things!" His lack of interest in much other than eating extends even to grammar. Him wants proper declension [definition link added, because I had to look it up].

I love the muppets. A lot.

The internet delivers: Sadness

My idiot former roommate (see previous posts about the guy on Tool Academy) was desperate to be famous. He talked about it all the time. It's only a matter of time until he turns up on this website:

http://hollywoodiscalling.com/

It's good to have goals.

Traveling is fun

I think almost every girl I've ever met either wants to go to Italy or has already been there and can't wait to go back. I touched on this topic before:

---------
I also learned that they're either handing out Eat, Pray, Love free with eH memberships or vice versa (I can imagine a special coupon at the back of the book, encouraging girls to seek a partner now that they've been on a "journey"). This book was so cliche that I closed any girl that listed it as her most recent reading. You think it's cool to go to Italy and get fat before you fall in love? Good for you. You probably think it's romantic to build entire series around abstinence and bloodsucking-as-sex metaphors. That's why you spend your nights watching Gossip Girl home alone with your cats and/or parents.
---------

Anyway, someone I've never met that writes about motorcycles went and took some good pictures in Florence, so I guess if you frame the trip in that context it might be cool. Or not. I think this is as close as I'll ever get to Italy, except when I skip it the next time I'm in Europe.

Go fast, wear a helmet

I used to be really into mountain biking. Now I'm into motorcycles, some of which are described as "mountain bikes with engines". This is not a coincidence.

The guys in the video make the riding look pretty easy. It isn't.

And they should be riding those bikes back up the hill, not taking the truck. Downhill-only is fun but it's not as cool as x-country.

When is a piece of tape not just a piece of tape?

It was halloween this weekend. I wore a silly outfit and pretended it was a costume. It wasn't, because I didn't get 'dressed up' as anything. I was just myself. Costumes are not my thing. But the deal ended up being fun, and I've heard there's some pictures kicking around on fbook, so I'll share them as they become available.

Today's picture is a metaphor. It represents progress. I got my fourth (and final) promotion as a white belt last week. Next promotion is a new color belt, and that's at least 5 months away (probably more), so I'll have plenty of time to get used to this.

In jiu-jitsu it's not a big deal to get your fourth stripe on a white belt; a lot of people do it, and it doesn't make me any better at jiu-jitsu (bummer, because I can use all the help I can get). I'm still not good at it; a fourth stripe just tells you that I'm slightly less not-good than someone with, say, 2 stripes. The differences are so subtle as to be nearly meaningless.

Still, it's nice to have your hard work is recognized by your instructor.