you can't put a price on douchebaggery - wait, yes you can. $54 million sounds about right

Judges can be pompous assholes. Like cops, but worse. Anyone that's stood before a judge, or stood in a courtroom while they did their (boring, often lame) job knows that. So it's not a big surprise to hear that it's a judge that is suing someone else for $54 million over a pair of pants. Of course it's a judge. Only a judge would be a big enough asshole to think he could get away with it. A practicing attorney wouldn't bother; they have to bill hours for a living. You can read the whole story at any number of outlets. Here's one. I chose the yahoo/reuters story because the headline is "Judge presses suit over $54 mln pants". Get it? "presses"? Honk! Also, the yahoo/reuters story explains the math that the judge used to arrive at his $54 mln figure. He didn't just pull it out of thin air, people.

Roy had his first case thrown out, but now he's appealing.

I wanted to take a few minutes and induct the Hon. Roy Pearson into the douchebag hall of fame. That's him at left, hauling the case of what must be his supply of Rx drugs he needs to get through the day.

AP Photo/ Jacquelyn Martin, and good job, because this guy is hard to get a picture of. really. either he's media shy or he knows that he's being a jackass. maybe both.

The countdown is on: 9 days to Beckham

The arrival of David Beckham in the US is a Big Deal. There are ad campaigns, and then there are ad campaigns cleverly disguised as magazine covers.

You can read all about what I think of Beckham and his impact on MLS here and also here. Short version: he won't have much impact on the crummy quality of play in MLS, and who cares if you "raise awareness" for a shitty product? It's still shit.

My latest point of interest is the storyboard from the advertising agency that is creating another ad campaign to announce His arrival. (See full storyboard on Slate.) They are contrasting how sad Madrid is (the Real half, not the Atletico half) about Beckham leaving, and how ABSOLUTELY PUMPED the Galaxy fans are.

They show an empty and "lifeless" Bernabeu stadium, and an "energetic and lively" Home Depot Center. That's funny because the Bernabeu averages 72,000 screaming, singing crazies during home games. The Galaxy averages a league-leading 22,500. I've never been to the Bernabeu, but I'm guessing that it was fairly engergetic and lively when they were winning the league for the 26th(?) time this year. Guessing. The Galaxy stadium is really nice, but let's make sure we compare apples to apples. Not that you care.

ps. A google for "posh spice media whore" turned up only 95,500 hits. She needs to work a lot harder.

alexei lalas hits crack pipe, talks to guardian

that irrepressible idiot Alexei Lalas is at it again, talking out of his ass to major media outlets. I analyzed his unique genius once before, so we're not covering new territory here. but I appreciate it when he says stuff that is deliberately inflammatory and stupid and we can unpack it a little bit.

Lalas and his group did a nice job bringing D. Beckham to the soccer backwater that is the LA Galaxy, but the truth is that a) Beckham is an aging, faded star that was fired from his own national team until very recently, and b) he is moving here for "branding" opportunities, not because he always wanted to play in LA and the other famous soccer cities (salt lake, houston, etc.). but that's not how Lalas sees it. He thinks that MLS is great. They pay him, so he should. I have a television and also a computer that talks to other computers through a cable in the wall, so I know better. so do you. in any case, take it away, Lexi!

We know when we're being patronised and I get so irritated when I hear the experts in England talk about David Beckham as if he's going into semi-retirement by leaving Real Madrid for Los Angeles.

I am an American, in your home market. Allow me to patronize you: Beckham is coming to semi-retirement so his wife can be in movies and tom cruise can try to convert them to scientology. She's skinny w/ obnoxious fake boobs. She was always meant for LA.

PS. Your team sucks and your product is crap.

That's ignorance of the first degree because almost every one of those critics has not even seen a single MLS [Major League Soccer] game. It's insulting to us and to our sport to say Beckham is on his way to Hollywood when he's coming to play in one of the most competitive leagues in the world.

I have watched about 5 minutes of one game and it sucked. I won't watch it again. Let me reiterate: I am in the LA Galaxy home market, and I refuse to watch it because it's shite. I do have the fox soccer channel, so I watch Premier League games. A lot.

There are a lot of stars in European football who would struggle over here. But Beckham has done his homework on this league, and his team-mates, and he recognises the merit of American soccer.

This is reductive and stupid. who cares how many 'stars' would struggle here? How many Americans are having any success in european football? (Aside from the goalies.) Three? Four? At middling or small clubs? And that's the best we can do. That's what I call merit. Man, we rule. America, f*ck yeah.

You know there's no accounting for bad taste. The fact that a segment of the world worships an inferior product in the Premiership is their business. In England our league is considered second-class but I honestly believe if you took a helicopter and grabbed a bunch of MLS players and took them to the perceived best league in the world they wouldn't miss a beat and the fans wouldn't notice any drop in quality.

You are an idiot. Anyone who has watched a soccer game in the states and compared it with the lowliest Watford v. Wigan game on the telly knows you are an idiot. Take your MLS team over there. You will get pummeled.

Lalas was really good at marketing himself. He had fun hair and a goatee and he was pretty good back in the day. Which is funny, because it's exactly what they will be saying about David Beckham when he gets here.

Sportswriters are bitter because they're ugly and the pay sucks*

Barry Bonds is a polarizing figure. He's also, by all accounts, a titanic jerk. At least, that's the way he's portrayed in the press. I don't know, because I've never met him. I do know that you can't take the full account of a person from what you read or hear. People have written exhaustive books about it, though. So you can decide for yourself.

One certainty is that Jon Heyman, in his most self-righteous and sanctimonious tone, will defend the magic and truth of baseball to his dying breath. Thank God for that.

Hank Aaron is the smart one in baseball's sad spectacle. He isn't coming to Barry Bonds' unhappy party, and he isn't really saying why.

Perfect.

Jon, why is that perfect?

Aaron has told people I know that he has no interest in honoring Bonds. But by now that should be obvious. And no one should blame him for that. Many of us feel that way, too, and Bonds -- who's now only nine home runs shy of Aaron's record 755 -- hasn't stolen one thing from us.

I sense some anger here, Jon. And, who said anything about stealing? Are you taking this personally? Was Barry Bonds rude to you at some point? If BB passes Hammerin' Hank, will you hold onto the old home run record because it has more truthiness? More superbosity?

Besides, why should Aaron want to participate in a sad spectacle that's getting sadder by the day? The latest bit of negativity came via Bonds, who is now saying he won't hand over his record-breaking artifacts to Cooperstown because he cares only about himself.

I fell compelled to point out here that the latest bit of negativity comes via J. Heyman, writer at Sports Illustrated. It could be that Bonds won't hand over any of his artifacts to Cooperstown because Bud Selig is a douchebag, or because he's a nutcase who (some speculate) was driven to start using steroids because he was jealous of all the attention other steroid users were getting (I'm looking at you Sosa and McGwire), or because the Baseball HOF is full of crackers and segregationists and similar. Or not. Hard to say, since he won't talk to you. But you can write mean things about him, protect the game, as it were.

That's fine, because about the only person truly excited about this record is him.

There may be more than one person excited about it. I'm guessing. Bruce Bochy is pumped. He needs the Giants to win. And he sucks at managing (separate issue, I know).

Aaron is right for doing what he is doing, which is nothing. Nothing is what Bonds' record deserves.

I didn't know that, but I'm glad you told me. Otherwise I might have thought damn, that guy seems like a jerk, but he's really really good at baseball. Who cares if he took steroids? I guess the same people that think Hank Aaron never took greenies, and that Babe Ruth was godlike, even though he didn't have to play against black or brown people. That's a big advantage, because they are pretty good at sports, these non-whites. You can look it up.

Middle America hates Barry because he's not white, and he doesn't give a shit about you or anything but being really good at baseball. And because you write articles about what a jerk he is, and how his record is meaningless.

Feel free to get off your high-horse and join the rest of the rank and file any time you like, Jon. We'll be over here, enjoying our beers while we watch Barrold Bonds hit another unhittable pitch over the bleachers. Then we'll get back to our lives. We're funny that way.

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* title stolen from withleather.com. It's the truest thing I've ever read about sportswriters. and writers in general.