The cat is out of the bag

Raceface

Called my mother yesterday to say hi. We have a challenging relationship: she finds being nice a big challenge. (Is it funny because it's true? Not sure.) Anyway, called her up, said hey mom what news? And right when she answers the phone I can tell something is up. You know how when your mom gives you that weird tone, like there's some kind of issue? You know the one. Don't even pretend you don't know.

So something is off right away but I am well accustomed to this shit by now so I proceed as though nothing is odd. We get through about 80 seconds of small talk and she says, "So, how long have you been riding a motorcycle?"

Backstory: I ride a motorcycle. I opted not to tell my mom because she a) has no interest in motorcycles, b) has shown an alarmingly consistent ability to make irrational decisions about pretty much everything, and c) she would worry unnecessarily, to no good effect. That's the long version. The short version is that I didn't tell my mom I ride motorcycles because she is crazy, and I didn't want to feed the crazy. My sociopathic sister does enough of that all by herself. So.

No idea how she found out, but it's not like it is some kind of secret. I just didn't mention it.* The unfortunate part is that she felt hurt because she heard about it from someone else. I feel badly about that, because she thought I was keeping it from her for some weird mean reason (which makes sense if you're used to interacting with a sociopath, as in prev. paragraph). I assured her that was not the case, and apologized for the hurt feelings.

And then I mailed her a signed 8x10 of the above photo of me at the track, because I'm awesome like that.


* Sort of like how I didn't mention that I now own two motorcycles. What?!? It didn't come up! What was I supposed to say? I have two bikes that go so fast they will melt your face off? Don't judge me!

Poverty sucks

Friend Jeff was kind enough to take a break from his busy schedule to forward me this link:

http://globalrichlist.com/

It reminds me of a story about Bill Gates visiting a slum in India. He went there with his wife and team and support staff as part of his war on poverty and malaria and misery and whatever else.

Anyway, he was visiting some huts in a slum and talking to a woman about her life experiences. She didn't seem too impressed that one of the richest men in the world was trying to use her as a primary source. After Gates left a reporter came in to ask her what it was like to have Bill Gates, one of the richest men in the world, in her tiny hovel. She looked at him and said, "The same as when you sit here; to me, you're all rich."

douchebaggery on parade

I'm late to this. It comes courtesy Gawker.com. I don't read gawker, mostly because I don't live in Manhattan, and also I'm straight.

Some people think they are awesome. I don't mean in an funny, self-deprecating way. They think they are totally bitchin.

This guy is one of those people. Here's an excerpt of his match.com form letter:

What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...

Shallow but not terrible. He hides his conceit well. At first.

I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?

What? Enjoy our stores/divisions? What the f*ck does that even mean? That's like if I worked at the Taco Bell corporate office and asked people if they liked the food. It's retarded.

So the girl said thanks but no thanks. And then Mr. Super emailed her back:

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

Actually, there's at least one, and he suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I was going to break it down line by line, but it's been done. Plus it's so good when you read it all in a row, out loud, in one angry, bitter, rejected breath.

report suspicious behavior

The city of Chicago has a warning posted on their official website.

Be sure to call 911 (in Chicago) if you see any "note taking, binocular use, cameras, videos, maps" around the holidays. You never can trust someone that's out taking notes and pictures in public spaces, especially this time of year. If you're clever you could take notes on the suspicious behavior, maybe take their picture, or get a better look at the suspicious person with binoculars, or shoot video of them, then mark down their location on a map. But then you might get arrested for, well, behaving suspiciously.

The full URL is:
http://webapps.cityofchicago.org/ChicagoAlertWeb/resources/pdf/WinterHolidayPublicAwareness.pdf

But you can also get to it from here.