France, please advance; and: I need a new roommate

greetings from bloggerland. no idea who took this photo of the US in happier moments.

aside from having a tie that I loosened, there's a lot going on. I've been reading books and magazines, and I've been watching a lot of world cup football. the US was bounced out after 2 lackluster performances and one terrible one. here's the deal: if you don't score goals, you don't deserve to advance. and that's the only thing separating the US team from the elite teams. they don't put the ball in the back of the net (consider the czechs, who do put the ball in the net: they didn't advance, either). no quality in the final third, if you will. it's a shame they didn't advance, because they looked like they were finally getting ready to make a breakthrough. or maybe that's just wishful thinking. if the future of US football is Landon "I couldn't cut it overseas" Donovan, then we're in for a miserable spell. On the upside, there's Freddy Adu and, sooner, Eddie Johnson and Clint Dempsey.

memo to the editors at SI and outside magazine: just because Donovan is the most recognizable US player doesn't make him the best. two different things. For a long time the "face" of US soccer was ALEXEI LALAS. or Cobi Jones. yeah. that guy. 'nuff said.

Donovan went to Germany w/ something to prove and he proved that he can't cut it. nice free kick at the end of the Ghana game. way to bend it like beckham, bro. It's annoying when you watch a soccer match and say to yourself, I can do that. there's lots of stuff I can't do, but if you want a free kick floated over the box and out of play, then I'm your man. and I've got the ball to prove it.

in other news, I need a new roommate. Robby is moving out. room avail. 1 aug.
love you.

but wait, there's more...

just when I thought I was done venting about idiocy, I chanced upon this little gem over on ccn.com. [photo taken by Flip Nicklin, copyright Minden Pictures - I don't usually credit photos b/c many of them are mine, and who cares if they aren't, but that's a helluva picture, so credit where credit is due.]

small nations change their position on whaling ban? if you read the article, it points out that the new resolution claims that the original ban was a temporary measure, and that it should be reviewed. sure, whatever. there seems to be some strong disagreement, Japan is accused of buying votes, and the Irish delegate just "held his head in his hands."

apparently, the japanese and other wealthy whaling nations (norway, among others), have convinced St. Kitts representative (and others) that it's the WHALES that are eating all the fish, and they only way to get them to come back is to kill the whales. it's not the dragnet fishing, then? good to know. here's a quote:

The backers have been pushing to lift the ban, saying it was a way to protect fish stocks from whales and give their small islands food security.

"We're dealing with an ecosystem where whales are on top of the food chain," said Daven Joseph, an IWC delegate from St. Kitts and Nevis.

it reminds me of when I was in a taxi cab on St. Croix, driving to an office when I was working out there for a short period. I didn't know they had a huge oil refinery there, and when I mentioned that to the taxi driver, he said, "mon, you know why dey got da refinery 'ere? because gaas is so cheap 'ere, mon!"

can somebody explain to the small islands that the best way to ensure food security is to NOT CATCH AND EAT EVERY LAST FISH. did you get that? the whales will take care of themselves, top of the food chain or otherwise. I think I learned that in 9th grade science class. I think.

as if this were about the food chain. anti-whaling nations know it's about money: the pro-whaling nations are spending a lot of it, and the antis are not. come up with some cash and St. Kitts delegates might be able to understand that food chain / web-of-life thing. maybe.

I guess I'm a species-ist

I just saw the following dialog exchange on 60 minutes:

weird crazy guy: people that keep animals for the purpose of eating their flesh should be punished.

Morley Safer: people like the taste of chicken.

weird crazy guy, also an MD: people used to like owning slaves, too.

what? are? you talking about? the whole show was all about the ALF and the ELF, and how they are resorting to more violent measures to prevent animal research and environmental damage, respectively.
why bring this stuff up? because it's a good example of what happens when you take a reasonable point (animal cruelty is bad, and should be stopped, or at least reduced), and then you take it to a ridiculous extreme (cruelty to chickens?). seriously, this guy was saying that people should be killed to prevent this sort of thing. I'm not making this up.

ahh, I don't know. I just thought it was silly.
just when i thought people couldn't get any more ridiculous, I did a search on the ELF to get the web address. that's where I got that sweet graphic. an entire website devoted to scholarly study of the invented languages of J.R.R. Tolkien . elvish.org? you guys, plus the dudes devoted to learning klingon, should get together with these ALF people and start hunting down the people that are finning sharks and get something done. stop worrying about the chickens.

let me know when you make some progress.

if it's not one thing, it's some other thing. that's just like the one thing that wasn't. but different

[ignoring the ill-advised bit of nonsense that I posted late last night and had the common decency to delete this morning. if you didn't see it, not to worry. you didn't miss anything. i deleted it first thing in the AM.

we're all glad we put that behind us. and by "put it behind us" I mean "can internalize it."]

there's this:
was on the phone w/ my buddy this week. the acoustics sounded like he was either calling from a jail cell, bathroom stall, or an office. I asked him, are you in the can right now?

he said, "oh, i'm in my office, baby. I'm a big deal."

me: yeah, i've got an office, too. so what?

him: i've got a door, it closes.

me: sure thing, me too.

him: i've got a window.

me: so do I

him: [silence]

me: I'm wearing shorts.

him: [brief pause] i've got a tie... which I loosened.

ahh, you kind of had to be there, but it was funny.
in other news, and i'm going to some sort of big concert thing in september. so that's something. gets me out of the house, anyway. i promise to take lots of really good pictures. if you know somebody in austin, tell them uncle case is coming to town, and i'm bringing my sense of adventure (in checked luggage, they won't let me carry it on ever since I had that... unpleasantness).

glorious interweb, oh sweet ambrosia of interweb

i'm not a creative person. I can't draw, don't write music, and am generally crap at making stuff up. (i'm very good at making existing stuff better, but that's not the point for today.)

anyway, i appreciate the energies of creative people, even if I lack a similar gift. so when 37signals decides to release some new software or shareware, I'll check it out. if they start a blog, I'll check that out, too.

and if they sign up with some advertising network or whatever, then I'll give it a look, save it to my bookmarks, and maybe review it now and again, because that sort of thing is of interest to me. today I came across an interesting website called the Design Observer. good pictures, intelligent writing. I encourage you to review it, and alert anyone that might be interested.

this sort of fisheye exploration is the most effective learning tool there is. it's also an advertiser's wet dream.

what does all that have to do with my picture of some soldiers in afghanistan? nothing. I'll bet most of them wish they were back home instead of in some godforsaken rock garden, trying not to get killed.

open letter to USA Soccer, and head coach Bruce Arena

To: Bruce Arena
From: A Concerned Fan
Date: the day after your team got schooled by the Czech Republic
Subject: Redemption
Cc: the guy that runs USA soccer

Brucie, there's been a lot of press about what a good coach you are, how you're supposedly one of the best in the world at motivating your players. Some people even think you're a tactical whiz, although not everyone agrees about that. I don't know if you're much of an exes-and-ohs guy. I do know that your ego barely fits into those giant stadiums where you team plys their trade.

here's the thing, buddy: it ain't bragging if you can back it up, and your team, w/ their inflated top five ranking (utter bullshit for anyone that knows anything about football) and related press coverage, is about as far away from backing it up as I am from signing for Arsenal. that is to say, REALLY FUCKING FAR.

(speaking of signing for Arsenal, that player that scored two brilliant goals yesterday? the one celebrating in the picture? yeah, him. he'll be playing there next year.)

All will be forgiven if you can get a result against the dagos on saturday. and I mean a real result. a strong tie or a win. none of this "we gave it our all and lost a close one" bullshit. I mean, get out there, get your players in the game. let's see some of that masterful motivation, genius. I'm a believer. and you're letting me down.

------------------------------------------
full disclosure: there is some precedent for very good teams getting bounced in the first round. France didn't score a goal 4 years ago. Argentina didn't win a single game. so it's not the end of the world if you don't get a result. and yes, I curled up with my world cup match ball last night when I drifted off to sleep. so what?

world cup rizzound-up, and other stuff

rule #1 of blogging is don't even bother trying to log into blogger on monday morning. the server always crashes, loses your post. if you don't know, now you know. so I'm coming to you from email.

here's a brief world cup roundup, pre-US game at 9 AM PDT:

• england had the most ineffective combination of millionaire players and crap play. close second: the dutch. although both teams ended w/ the same result, (1-0 victories), the english were lucky not to tie 1-1. the dutch game should have been 3-0 at least. dump tim couch immediately if not sooner.
  
• argentina looked effective but they're like a sorority girl w/ low self-esteem: they go down too easy. that's a great trait in a co-ed, but it's lame in a world cup match.
  
• Mexico looked legit. kind of.
  
• Germany kicked all kinds of Costa Rican Ass. if they play the same game against the hated English, they'll crush them. tighten up the back line a little and keep the goals coming and you'll go far.
  
• you can't get this kind of analysis just anywhere. you have to buy one of these . and bring it to work with you. like I did.
  
• bullet point.
  

thanks for reading. i'll have more after the US game, but if they stink up the joint I won't be able to type anything because I'll be too pissed.

blog issues, etc. and so forth

wrote a (really) funny entry about the world cup, dating, and some other stuff.
blogger lost it or rejected me or something. I don't know what happened. so just imagine this is a lot funnier. and relevant.

I did see the x-men movie. it was not very good. barely entertaining. I hope the ghost rider movie is better. how they can make a movie about the xmen that sucks so bad I don't know. get Gambit in there. how hard can it be? gambit, spewing cliche and arguing w/ wolverine would be fine. instead I get the worst dialog in recent movie history, and mediocre action. so inadequate.

that's today's theme: I don't know.
enjoy it while it lasts, because I sometimes always know everything.

my other theme: the motherf*ckin world cup starts Friday, 9 June, at 9 AM PDT. I think my head is going to explode. I don't know if the game is on tape delay or what. a potential pissoff, but whatever. I'm watching. please take a time out from your busy schedule and take a look at it, too. the US team is shite, but we got a tough draw (big surprise, after we got jobbed in the game in 2002 against Germany - at least we beat Mexico). there will be outstanding soccer games on espn or abc all day, every day, for the next two weeks. get excited.

if the world is going to end, it better happen early, so I don't have to spend the whole day at work.

yeah, I said it.

excellent sleight of hand

you know why this is the the main story on CNN.com? [link points to story about a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage]

so that stuff like this IS NOT the main story. [link points to story about some bad news in Irag, and by bad news I mean 50 people were kidnapped by "impostors" posing as police; it was probably the actual police doing some moonlighting, but whatever.]

do we really need a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage? is it that big of a deal to prevent homos from having the same legal partnership rights as straight couples? I don't think so. I think that if gay people want to be gay and partners then they should be able to have the same thing that straight couples do in re: insurance, loans, estate management, etc.

biblically, it's pretty clear that gays cannot be married in the eyes of God. who cares? not gay people. so why bother? because it takes your eye off the ball, even for a little bit. now that's what I call strong leadership.

the buttface

so I was on my flight up to lovely northern CA (on southworst) and it was actually an easy flight. plane wasn't crowded, sat next to a (kind of) pretty girl, the attendants were very cordial, etc. all was really great until it was time to get up and leave. the guy in the aisle across from me, a stout fellow, late 20's, in a t-shirt and saggy jeans (standard), got up first. not wanting to try and fit two people in an aisle where one person was taking up enough room for both of us, I remained seated. in hindsight, this was a mistake.

the stout fellow in the designer jeans (waist: 42; inseam: 30) leaned over and grabbed his bag/backpack and all of a sudden I was nose to sagging beltline with a prodigious ass crack. egads, man! tuck that thing in! it was mere inches my face. really not cool. i almost jumped into my co-passenger's lap to escape it, to no avail, so I stood up.

i figured he'd feel the breeze, as it were, and cover up, no serious harm done.
I figured wrong.

the stout fellow (240 ell-bees if he was an ounce, 5' 7"ish) promptly swung his backpack on, taking up a not inconsiderable amount of space in front (gut) and behind (backpack). as he was swinging, he rotated through my standing room, and I had to sit back down in my chair. just in time for his backpack to pull his XXXL shirt WAY up above his beltline and the reaches of his (low) sagging pants. and give me the buttface again.

dick.

don't let it happen to you.
on the other hand, there's this.

great television - Frontline piece on AIDS

no graphics this time, since I'm out of town and can't login to the blogger.
lots to talk about, but let's mention exceptional television.

I got sucked into a phenomenal television program last night on PBS. I don't know if you watch Frontline. If it's on I will watch it, because they have a reputation for being smart, and more balanced than most news programs (their show on the religion in Bush's politics - http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/jesus/ -  was lauded as a good piece of reporting). last nights show on AIDS had star power (interviews w/ Bill Clinton and Bono, among others), and very smart people talking about a pandemic I know about but hardly pay attention to.

you can go here: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/aids/
and watch the program when they post it. or you can read a little bit about it.
even if you aren't really moved to do anything, I encourage you to check it out. it's powerful.

special highlights:
- bill clinton looking fit and sharp as he talks eloquently about the needle exchange program that would never have passed congress if he approved it
- health workers in India explaining how AIDS is transmitted to truck drivers by playing a weird board game
- the failure of South Africa's president and his lackeys to recognize the severity of the epidemic, and the resulting catastrophe

love you. thanks for reading.

great bar; crazy behavior; good (free) music

spent last night wandering the mean streets of costa mesa, in search of a place to listen to some music. I made my way over to detroit bar, which is an okay hangout, except they get carried away w/ the cover charge sometimes.

last night, they wanted $15, and $10 was my cutoff. I didn't know who the dj's were, and I wasn't on the list, so I just said, umm, no thanks. it was before 10. and I was home a little after 11. not going to pay that kind of $$ to hang out at a bar for 1 hour. so I went across the street to a more chill spot, no cover, dj inside, but he was behind the bar so he put on a record of Rolling Stones greatest hits (a formidable record) and just let it run. when the music ran out, he shouted, "somebody flip the record over!" so they did. It was cool. had good beers on tap and in the bottle, and they even had a $5 brown bag special, which was a 32 oz. bottle of Miller High Life, served in a brown bag. on the bar. drawback: it's beer/wine only. so if you want a cocktail you're out of luck. but if you want a place that's unpretentious and chill, then it's cool. and they usually have good music. Avalon in costa mesa. get there.

this happened yesterday: my roommate was at lunch w/ a girl visiting him from out of town. he told her before she came out that he would pay for everything. (the money was an issue, apparently: not that she couldn't afford it, but that she didn't want to spend it - probably you can see where this is going?) so they're at lunch, and the girl goes to get the check. he says, "no, I'll get it."
the visiting girl, "no, you've been paying for everything. I'll get it."
guy: "I said I would pay, and I'll pay. let me get it."
girl, "no, I'll get it."
guy: "Okay, since I'm taking you to a nice dinner."
girl: "i'm really full, so I don't know about dinner, but I'll get lunch."
[girl pays for lunch]
[fast-forward 4 hours] - girl is pouting, but why? she tells him: "I am upset that you didn't pay for lunch earlier today."
wait, what?
her explanation: he said he would pay for everything, AND he should have known that they weren't going to dinner when she said she was full at lunch.
so that happened. you can add this to the list of red flags, under the heading "when the girl says one thing, and then says the opposite thing just a few hours later, because she's a crazy person." hopefully the roommate will show some sense and not talk to her ever again.

on the upside, they posted some new dj sets over on http://www.djrel1.com/. the first mix (Brio - Below the Belt Show 04.17.06) is downtempo and has way, way too much talking (boooooooo). the second, Brio - Below the Belt Show 04.17.06 pt2, is some solid breakbeat, if you're into that. I DO recommend that one. you can also find some really good breakbeat mixes over at breaksfm.com. I'm on a mission to fill my 40 GB ipod w/ quality mixes. it's a work in progress, but i'm up to the challenge.
love you. -c-

smart, yet funny; plus: blogs of note? are you kidding?

Our Man with the Plan David Rees has published a video of himself speaking at Columbia University. (full disclosure: the only people I ever met that went to Columbia were socially retarded, but the sample size was small, like my little pea brain.) The David also sent a short letter out detailing the lecture. here it is, almost in its entirety:
---------------------------------------------
Dear Mailing List,

Last fall I gave a rambling lecture at Columbia University. You can see the video here:

http://cupolitics.org/videos/0506/rees/index.html

NOTE: This is an unedited, 70-minute long video. All the gaffes, pretentious vocabulary errors, and moments of naked self-loathing have been left intact.

TOPICS COVERED IN THIS LECTURE INCLUDE:

-The Thomas Friedman Metaphor Illustration Service
-David Horowitz vs. Michel Foucault
-The Council on Foreign Relations, wizard-related truth behind
-Dennis Miller, role as official spokesman for NetZero dial-up internet access
-Christopher Hitchens, ubiquity of
-Clipart, aesthetic beauty of
-Afghanistan, self-immolation of girls therein
-Political cartoonist, exciting lifestyle of
-A gazelle
-MOST IMPORTANT: My five ideas about foreign policy and politics that I wrote down in the park before my lecture!!! David Brooks I'm coming for your job!

Thanks for your interest,
David Rees
--------------------------------
re: blogs of note, I was tooling around on the interweb recently and I thought I'd take a look at the "blogs of note." I realized it's easier to get a blog than a driver's license, and do you have any idea how many bad drivers there are? maybe it's just tedious reading some anonymous persons stream of consciousness spew. much better if it's someone I know.

if I get big fake tits, will I get a column on si.com? what about just getting to the front of the line at quiznos?

i have nothing against pretty girls in principle. really, I don't. I'm a big fan. but let's not pretend that just because some girl spent some money on a fake rack and wants to show it off means she's qualified to write a national column and "mailbag" for sports illustrated.

let's keep this whole slutty girl thing separate from the syndicated columnist thing, ok? I agree there's room for both in my world. esp. w/ gems like these from Ms. Sterger:

Honestly, did you ever think that maybe there is more to women than their looks?

Not in this instance, no.
she did make some other comments in her mailbag that, if they weren't from an attention-starved media whore, actually sounded reasonable.

as far as getting to the front of the line at the sandwich shop, I was getting lunch yesterday and a very pretty girl, mid-30's, unmarried (obvious, since she was twiddling her hair w/ her left hand) walked in and couldn't find the end of the line. I was in the front. she asked the first guy, he said, go ahead in front of me. second guy, same. third guy, again. by the time she got to me she was suitably embarrassed and just laughed awkwardly when she found a place behind me. big ups to her for noticing the special treatment.

not sure what the point of all this is. except, umm, that's a pretty good picture, huh?

religious commentary: things that are important v. things that are NOT important

so I was driving over to the mega-mall center around the way from my crib on Saturday and I noticed that there were protesters, w/ signs and cigarettes and snacks, on the corner of the major mall intersection. they were protesting the Da Vinci code movie. much time, effort, and money was spent on the signage, not to mention the person-hours devoted to killing time on the corner of a busy intersection on a sunny Saturday AM. this is retardo on so many levels. here's a few:

anyone whose opinion will be swayed by a sign that says "The Da Vinci Code is Blasphemous!" is going to be similarly swayed by someone that tells them "The blah blah is TRUE!". so you're wasting your time/energy/money. start a blog: it's just as ineffective a forum and and it takes a lot less time, because...

the time/energy/money you're spending so ineffectively on "protest" could be spent doing any number of good works for the benefit of a person/place/thing that needs them. instead, you're making an ass out of yourself on a street corner. trust me, the Catholic church doesn't need any help with that.

the Da Vinci code is fiction, like harry potter. there are no respected historians who agree with its claims. there is no "debate." just as there is no "debate" in the scientific community about evolution. don't bother discussing it, except as an interesting story somebody made up about people that actually existed.

why the picture of madonna? she did some asinine thing on a cross at her concert and people are making noise about it. seriously, how old do you have to be before you stop trying so hard? and, who cares? it's just a pop concert. I liked her better back in the early 90's. like a prayer is one of my favorite pop songs of all time.

thanks for reading.

we've added features!

I heart features. really.
check them out at right. some links, and a list of recent posts. had to do some cribbing from other blog templates, b/c mine is custom.
that's how I roll. it doesn't fit too well if you have a small screen. can't do much about that, but i'll try to work something out. maybe make the right column smaller. we'll see.
xo -c-

you have a right to be angry, but not to be rude

learned an important lesson this week as I dealt with some bullsh*t with my roommates and work and all that stuff that isn't really all that sweet but it's a part of life anyway.

I have a right to be angry at [whatever dumb hurtful thing somebody does] but I don't have a right to be rude. I just don't. it's not cool, and it's not Christian. not sure if I'll put this bit of insight to use in my own life, but I'm positive I'll be able to share it with others. they might succeed where I will fail.

on the upside, I typed "picture of jesus" into my goodsearch search engine and came across some real treats. ran into an unexpected likeness on cnn.com, and found the superb artists rendering w/ a "true story" from other nutcase. best part about that (person's?) home page is that it was festooned with cheesy advertisements. very christian.

what can I say about the intergalactic jesus? that guy is weeping, he's wedged between the earth, a nebula, and the moon (which, btw, would be dark if the sun were peeking out from behind it as it appears to be). that's pretty much how I picture jesus in my prayers. a huge, disembodied head hovering in the galactic sky. nice.

nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there

this image is cool.
it's the image of the day from your local government space office of things that they do in space.

i modified it slightly to add an arrow pointing at the place where I worked for 5 months. you don't care. but it's still a cool image.

front to back, that's St. Thomas, St. John, Tortola, and Virgin Gorda. arrow is pointing at the north side of St. Thomas, roughly at the University of the Virgin Islands.

the superbowl is on today, but you're not watching (I tivo'd it)

the real superbowl, the one that actually draws the crazy demographics in all those countries, is on TV today. you won't watch it, since it starts at 1130 PDT.

it's the champions league final.

Imagine if other countries played american football, and they were crazy for it, and the top four teams from the NFL competed in a tournament from the top four teams from those other countries. the super-tournament could be called the "champions league", since it would be comprised of only really good teams (supposedly - some of the teams from the smaller countries would not be very good, but whatever).

the final for that theoretical tournament is today (that's Thierry Henry in the photo, who will hopefully help win tonights game), and unlike our bullsh*t "super bowl", which is irrelevant outside of the US, people from all over the world will actually pay attention. but not you.

if you were interested in seeing something superb, and you have time to catch some of it at lunch, or if you just like watching some of the world's best footballers do amazing things under crazy intense pressure, then check it out. it's on espn.

don't eat 7 oreo cookies for breakfast

sometimes I encounter something so unusual I feel like I need to bring it to you immediately.
this is not one of those things. this is just nerds on the web. but I think it's funny.

full disclosure: and I did own a couple of the watches and games they have on the site. back in the day I thought they were the coolest things ever. I wore a logarithmic calc. watch to school when I was a sophomore in high school, for christ's sake. perhaps not coincidentally I wasn't much of a hit with the ladies. perhaps.

some things you can probably say about the guys (you know it's guys) that run this website:

• never touched the skin of a woman, except that one time, in amsterdam. or vegas, at the defcon convention. (hey, even LL Cool J says "you always end up paying for it one way or another.")
  
• waited in line for several weeks for the star wars movies 1, 2, and 3 / signed online petition to "kill jar jar".
  
• they own a bewildering variety of cleverly shaped dice. and they're all great dungeon masters. great.
  
• went to CalTech.
  
• would own you at Magic the Gathering.
  
• bullet point
• bullet point
  

don't eat 6 oreo cookies for breakfast

I don't care if google is saving all my data and using it to make a lot of money. In return for my info, they offer me so much free stuff.

their website is elegant and clutter free: a model of usability, as if it were designed by the guru of web usability, Jakob Nielsen.

and, in a nice homage to the useless but fun mac features of old, I added the eyes to my google page. they take up way too much space, but I have two monitors, so space is a non-issue. mostly I like them because they remind me of when I first started using mac computers back in the Reagan years. we won't see days like those again any time soon, what with the largest peacetime military buildup in world history, skyrocketing deficit spending and an astronomical budget deficit, high gas prices, clandestine wars, people buying those portable music players (please go to the walkman link because it rules), and a legitimate debate about which computers were better: macs or pc's. that was before windows decided to copy everything that apple was doing. only took them 20 years to catch up.

is apple still in the PC business? I thought they just sold those portable music players. those things are great, btw. and they work on your PC.

things that are good

remember the show $64,000 pyramid? that was a sweet game show. I think it was rigged, or there was something they were not telling you-the-viewer, because it was impossible to try to play along if you closed your eyes and tried to, ummm, play along.
anyway, wanted to write a little note about stuff that is good. all 2 of my friends that read this thing ask about stuff like this sometimes, so this is like an email to them that the whole world can read!* so much good stuff! so let's stay positive!

• book to read: Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. an easy, engaging read. I recommend it.
• music to download: the latest podcast on friskyradio. they are revamping their site over there at frisky, and it's better than ever. all kinds of dance mixes for your listening pleasure. you aren't going to get better legal free music delivered right to your computer - just subscribe to the podcast and enjoy. you might get 2 or 3 min. songs that are really good for free, but a two hour mix? no way. if you have the bandwidth, they also do streaming audio.
  
• the ipod accessory that will make your new music sound superb: fact is, ipod headphones are shite (as are most of the accessories that apple is selling with the ipod). so get the most out of your new/old toy with some headphones. you will thank me. be prepared to stuff them in your ears, show some commitment.
  
• another book to read (a series this time): The Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith. short, charming fiction.
  

* = def'n. of a blog: the mistaken notion that someone, somewhere, cares what you have to say. seriously, have you tried reading a blog written by somebody you don't know? mine is just practice, designed to get the fingers warmed up for work, and to share laughs w/ the 2-3 people that aren't very busy at work on any given day.

that's all I have. call your mom on mother's day. even if she bugs you.
thanks for reading.
love, -c-

what. the. f*ck.

[I heard about this from Samuel over at donttouchmystuff, and while it sounded funny, I really didn't appreciate it until i saw it - so this is a blatant ripoff. imitation sincerest form of flattery, etc, etc.]

every now and again something comes along that I just never expected. I keep my ear to the ground, and I learn about stuff I don't take an interest in, just to stay culturally aware. things like Macintosh computers, the latest celebrity wedding, women's issues - I understand they're important to people, so I kind of pay attention, kind of. so I know what I'm missing out on.

I have heard of the guy in the photo. the one at the far left with the microphone spewing sparks? yeah, that one. but I never really experienced his lyrical magic, his "flow", until today.

lordy lordy lordy

where to begin?
do we start at the terrible lyrics? or the awful style and delivery? I don't even like rap and I know this guy sucks at rapping. a lot.
in the live performance, I think it begins at the dwarf w/ two canes in the zubaz pants ("a crockpot for your pork!"), tie-dyed shirt, and fuzzy hat. and that's where I'll leave it.

thanks for reading.

hackney, indeed

i don't know what it is I like best about this photo. is it that the sun is shining in late 70's London? is it the sweet white shorts at the pool? (what happens when those get wet, btw?) is it the adolescent girl snaking her way out of the pool at left? is it the lifeguard wearing his little brother's shirt, throwing down a flex for the ladies?

Nope. it's none of that. it's the glasses in conjunction with the 'stache. of course it is. how could it be anything else?

does anybody know what a "lido" is? I guess it's a public pool. I could find out from my computer that talks to other computers through a cable in the wall, but I have work to do.
love you. -c-

have you ever gone with the left?

note: todays blog has nothing to do with the title.

caught a little bit of david "that douchebag that [describe retarded stunt]" blaine on the teevee last night. he was sealed up in a salt-water bubble in the Lincoln Center in NYC for a week, and then he tried to hold his breath for 9 minutes. let's explore this for a few bullet points,

• I have a lot of repect for magicians that can perform difficult sleight-of-hand tricks, the kind where cards disappear, they take your money at three card monte, the shell game, etc. all that stuff is cool, and it takes a lot of practice. just sealing your dumb ass up in a bubble for a week is neither magic nor illusion. it's asinine. i'll bet Penn & Teller were unimpressed.
  
• blaine was voted biggest loser of 2003 (props to Sam for pointing this out already), beating out a politician, a contestant on the same series that spawned Michael Flatley/Riverdance, and the entire country of Australia (which I found hilarious).
  
• can you really be said to be holding your breath after you pass out and start having convulsions? I have a word to describe that: drowning. so the guy held his breath for a very long time and then lost control of himself. I have another word for that: stupid.
  
• Stuart Scott, what the eff are you doing announcing this event? are you a TV announcer? a sports journalist? or have you transcended "Boo-ya!" and become your own special sort of celebrity? you are already on the d-bag HOF fast track, bro. You can expect to join Chris Berman if you keep this up. I won't even mention your "column" in ESPN the Mag. it's beneath me.
  
• i wish I had audio of the breathless commentary from Boo-ya and the comments from D-bag after they woke him back up. he was crying, he thanked new york, and he made me want to kick him in his (probably very sensitive) nuts. I hope you saw it, and I hope you thought, damn, that guy needs to suck it up.
  
• d-bag blaine could have saved this entire stunt if he played Europe's "The Final Countdown" as they were dragging him out of that bubble. seriously, that would have made everything okay.
  

thanks for reading. I love you.
-c-

it's looking at you

i'm getting one of these for my living room. it's designed to scare away the birds (it's looking at you right now w/ a piercing gaze), but I think it'll make a nice addition to interior decor. big ups to my homie for the suggestion. and it's only $30. err, $35.

I cleaned out the bird mess as best I could over the weekend, got some new screen, and covered up the hole. so that's done. I'll give them a week to go build a new nest somewhere else and quit going nuts outside my window every morning. after that i'll have to resort to more drastic measures. I'll keep you posted.

ahh, not much else to report. Saw mi:iii over the weekend. decent summer blockbuster. I was entertained and it got me out of the house. the guy next to me showed up just as the movie was starting and walked across several people to sit in the seat next to me. then he wanted the armrest. sorry bro. if you show up that late, you don't get the armrest. so when his arm came into contact with mine I pushed his arm away with my elbow and said, "sorry; don't touch me." that set the tone, and there wasn't an issue for the rest of the evening. which was nice. perhaps not the most friendly thing I've done, but hey, show some courtesy. and get there before me.

avian battle royale; lakers let me down

0615. as in, six minutes past 0h-six-hundred-hours. that's what time the European Starling (for sure one of the top five ugliest birds i've ever seen, check photo at left) and the common crow decided it was time to go birdo-y-birdo right outside my open window (mild weather in the OC, so the window was slightly open, as per usual).

I have no love for the crow, since it's beyond annoying with it's "CAWWWWW CAWWWW" calls and middle-manager tendency to crap on everything. However, at least it's a native species, and you have to admit, he does look good in black.

The starling, on the other hand, is

• hideous
• obnoxious
• an invasive, imported species; many wildlife rescues won't even take them
  
• a great reason to own/operate a high-powered pellet gun
• bullet point
• bullet point
  

and it has set up shop in my roof space, so I have to get on a ladder, put myself at risk and try to evict those f*ckers. so far, they are winning. anyway, these two, the rat with wings and the man in black, decided have it out in front of my window. it went on for about 45 minutes, during which time I thought about getting a cat (too ineffective), a snake (too Animal Planet), poison (too indirect, might get harm someone besides the starling), or a gun (yahtzee!). i had no idea one of these was available. I'll let you know how it works out.

not sure if the public will approve of my wildlife management policies. too bad.
some people, probably from the save-the-seals camp, have set up websites devoted to saving baby starlings. because there clearly aren't enough of them already.
-----------------------------
some anxiety from the morning might have been left over from the Lakers sucking last night. sports is modern escapism, and it's easy to overinvest in something, esp. when you have no effect on the outcome. I did this last night w/ the lakers, and my commitment, my energy, were not rewarded. it's not their fault, it's just a game. it's my fault for letting the loss affect me in a negative way. there is no reason to scream at the television. no reason. even if "Smush" Parker misses every shot and slouches around the court like a pouting teenage girl. Playing poorly is one thing, but not giving maximum effort? In a closeout game? I let it get to me. that is my fault. won't happen again.
-c-

lost a post = bust

so I wrote this whole post about the ghetto, yet functional, standing desk, and how I visited with the 40 year old, reviewed her plastic surgery, and even had a link to moosejaw because the Moosejaw Daily Madness was unusually funny today. ("My dog has dug several deep holes and trenches in the back yard. It's like All Quiet on the Western Front at my house.")

but then my connection failed and now i have to start over. well, I don't have time for that, so just imagine that you're reading something smart and funny. or maybe just reading something. thanks.

relationshapes is here: don't fall into the trapezoid

damn I'm really getting my post on today.
but it's because I love you (?), and want you to laugh. okay maybe just chuckle.

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/relationshapes.html

this is from the guy that writes My New Filing Technique is Unstoppable. and some other stuff.
get there!
xo -c-

what were you going to do with your $100 rebate?

yeah so you heard that you were going to get $100 for gas? that's coming immediately after they start paying reparations to the descendents of slaves, because apparently this happened:

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, under pressure from business leaders, retreated Monday from a plan that would have used a tax increase on oil companies and other businesses to pay for a $100 gasoline rebate for millions of motorists.

WTF? are you kidding me? what's $100 gonna do? and is it really the oil companies fault that they're making all that money? weren't they in the oil business back when they weren't making much money, in 1999? i'm not sure what people expect the oil companies to do. it's like people are irritated because chevron and exxon are getting paid. i'm not. that's why they are in business. I'm not going to do a connect the dots from failed oilman becomes president to oil companies make a fortune during his time in office. I'm taking a break from political analysis, because it bugs me.

and, lastly, this was the best analysis about the NFL draft that I heard:

To everyone's surprise the Lions actually drafted players that they were in definite need of this year. 9th overall pick was (LB) Ernie Sims out of Florida State, I am pretty sure that he has been in prison before so he is probably pretty tough.

the view from the top (sort of)

super. got the new office put back together.
I was going to write a funny post about some funny stuff that happened, but then I realized how much time I spent playing videogames over the weekend and it was just sad. so no. we're not doing that. i was even going to write another silly political essay, but that's like Paris Hilton: its been done repeatedly, and not well.
on the upside, high-level executives (and by high-level, I mean fourth floor) everywhere are jealous of my window office and my view. (I saw some birds out there the other day, and I think they're married. if you know what I mean. and I think you do.)

the execs are probably not jealous of my standing desk. i considered trying to get my company to actually buy me a real standing desk, but they're kind of expensive, and it's not like i had back surgery or anything. they did get me a really nice chair. and health insurance. so I can't complain. I built my own standing desk. it's pretty sweet, if you're into cardboard. I'll post pix.

I was all set to say something interesting about the NFL Draft, but I remembered that you don't care. best part: my fav teams first round pick was so happy he got drafted he wept tears of joy. that's what I'm talking about. i'll weep tears of joy myself if he learns to block his position instead of just try to play WR as a tight end.

oh, snap!

no reason. just wanted to say it.

"our addiction to oil is a matter of national security concern" - Mr. G. W. Bush

greetings from the OC. we're coming to you from a new office, w/ a new desk, etc and so forth. glad you could make it. i'm listening to the Matisyahu cd. it's surprisingly good; definitely the best reggae cd by a white hasidic jew that I have ever heard. i think he appreciates the musics history. most of his fans, the ones that think he's the best thing ever, not so much.

lots of fun stuff to talk about this week. none of it is interesting to you, so i'll get right back to the same old, same old.

The leader of the free world just isn't much of a public speaker. He is supposed to be very charming in person. Clinton was a magnetic speaker on the tee vee, and I've read that he is amazing in person: magnetic, charismatic, etc. i dunno. they won't let me near either one of them, because of that other thing. anyway, GW's leading quote on CNN today is the title of today's blog. speaking in public is tough, because you end up being quoted and quotes of spoken language don't read too well. so we'll just let it go for now.

I'm pretty sure that the best way to keep gas prices down is to not destabilize the region where most of that gas comes from. pretty sure. now that it's been destabilized, the best way to lower prices would be to try to re-stabilize, which is tricky when you've stepped on your dick in one country (Iraq), and you're talking about nuking it's even-more-psycho neighbor (Iran).

don't get me wrong: I like Iran, because it's nice to have an international figure running his mouth when he's more stupid than Bush. I also like how Iranian people call themselves "persian". When was the last time we had a Persia, anyway? that's like me telling people I'm celtic (hard c in celtic, thanks). it hasn't been PC to be Iranian since that unpleasantness back in the late 70's. but I digress...

getting back to the high gas prices issue, let's look again at his plan. he's going to suspend deposits to the reserves. (according to cnn) that's 30k barrels per day, in a country that burns 21 MILLION per day. again, i'm no math major, but saving one tenth of one percent of whatever you're using doesn't look like a viable savings plan to me. (the actual number is so small my calculator bugged out and gave me some scientific notation, which I will reproduce here, just for kicks: 1.428471E-3)

this blog is getting long, so I'll reproduce CNNs summary of the plan here:

The plan calls for making sure consumers and taxpayers are treated fairly, promoting greater fuel efficiency, boosting the U.S. gasoline supply and investing aggressively in gasoline alternatives.

• treated fairly? by oil companies? whatever.
• greater fuel efficiency? good luck with that. this is the only thing on the list that will actually work: stop using so much gas.
• boosting US gasoline supply? the best way to overcome consumption of a non-renewable resource is to increase production? GW, go rob Peter to pay Paul.
• Invest in alternatives? I guess. ethanol isn't it. but you never know. what about biodiesel? what about NOT DRIVING HUGE EFFING CARS EVERYWHERE and then crying about it when gas prices go up when the president you elected freaks out and invades a country after he goes to war on a concept (terror)? no? my bad.
  

I should have called this blog "hypocrisy on parade."
if you're still reading you're either my mom or unemployed. thanks.

For Sale By Idiot

the interweb has eliminated the middleman in a lot of transactions, and that is good news for everybody. unfortunately, it has also given people the opportunity to display their idiocy in prominent, exceptional ways. for example, the guy around the corner from my townhouse here in Costa Mesa has listed his property on forsalebyowner.com, and his descriptive paragraph is everything you need to know about why you should get a realtor and/or a high-school education. here it is:

Newer Paint Interier and Exterier.The Property is located just minutes from South Coast Plaza in the highly desired South Coast Metro area. Many upgrades, a must see. Priced right for quick sale. Great starter home. Check dates for open houses or call for private tour. To view more pictures go to www.forsalebyowner.com. Listing ID#20593283.

the most annoying thing about all this is that the douchebag that posted this will NOT get full value for his home, which will bring down property values, which affects all the homeowners in a negative way (i.e. me). it's good for buyers and retards, though. it gives them hope.

also in his description, he lists a "clubhouse... patio ... spa/jacuzzi ... tennis courts". let's take these one by one: clubhouse I have been in once for an HOA meeting; it looks like an old set from threes company: the 70's never left, they're right there, in the "clubhouse".
patio: the patio actually exists and doesn't suck. weird.
spa/jacuzzi: are these the same thing? too lazy to look it up. google takes so loooooooooong.
tennis courts: yes, there are two tennis courts. they haven't seen any tennis since first Bush was president. again, a picture would be great but I can't do it. just imagine the most overgrown, leaf-strewn, dirty tennis court you've ever seen. that's the village creek tennis courts.

what Mr. Deal (contact name for property - Daniel Deal - I can't make this stuff up) doesn't mention is the water treatments and fake creeks in the back. they are a legitimate selling point. too obvious, I guess.
don't get me wrong, most realtors are useless, but if they do a good job then they can make you, and save you, a lot of money. on the other hand, they can really f you around. i guess it's better to just f yourself, like Mr. Let's Make a Deal is doing.

i've been away, but I still love you

greetings from post-op.
i haven't posted for a while b/c I've been recovering from Monday's back surgery. doc says it went well, no surprises, and i'm now on the road to recovery.

the road to recovery is paved with oversized vicodin pills. sweet. sort of. they give me hiccups, which is annoying. and I'd really rather take vickies when I don't have pain to suppress. it's not as good when you can't get around very well. in any case, I haven't had much to write about, until my buddy Sam told me I should just post whatever pops into my head when I'm strung out on opiates. good idea, Sam. so here we go:

1. best not to make any sudden moves when you've got 12 staples in your back. this seems self explanatory, but when I was taking my old-man stroll this morning and somebody's dog rushed me I forgot and flinched. oops.
   
2. hiccups suck. a lot.
   
3. I heart naps.
   
4. I want to gulp from life, not sip.
   
5. look for the lakers to give the suns a run for their money in the playoffs. maybe.
   

----------------------
got some interesting feedback on the weird note that my friend Jetta Driving Jen sent me. Jen lives in Austin, and I haven't seen her in a while, but I'll bet she still looks pretty good. for the record, she was ridiculously good looking in college.
anyway, here's more from her stalker, which she was nice enough to type out and forward:

"Those four or five moments a week that I see you have
become one of the highlights of my day. I can't resist
watching you - something about your purposeful stride,
the look in your eye, the sidelong glance you seem to
throw me as you pass - I love these moments, and I
look forwrad to them each day. To me, they are
magical. Its as if - almost as if - everything around
you dissolves into slow motion. The sounds of birds or
nearby conversation cease while you walk from your car
inside to buy your lunch.

A part of me wants all this to stay just as it is - to
live those short, intense moments that last only for a
few heartbeats, and then fade for 24 hours.

But another part of me is filled with curiosity. I try
to imagine your name, the sound of your voice, what
interests you, what makes you laugh, what music you
play over and over. But to discover those things, I
have to risk ending those precious moments of quiet
anonymity when we are in the same place at the same
time.

So I have been trying the last few years to live a new
philosophy - Gulp from Life - Don't Sip. Maybe sharing these
thoughts with you is a small gulp, but it's not a sip.
-Your lunch time admirer."

goodness gracious sakes alive.
latest word is that the cops said he was a weirdo for sure, but she hasn't heard anything. she's still a lot paranoid, but she's working through it. crazy.
thanks for reading. I'll post more as I start to feel a little better.
call me if you're bored. I'm not up to much. xoxo -c-

so much good stuff; plus, weirdos!

some weeks I don't have a lot of stuff to write about in the 'blog, and by "blog" I mean "monument to self". this was not one of those weeks. I've just been busy moving offices, doing dr stuff, traveling, and (perish the thought) getting work done. rad.

first, a quick update on the 40 year old from 7 weeks ago: she's done with her surgery and feeling good about herself. I know this because she told me. we exchanged numbers all those weeks ago and now we're casual friends. it's easy to be friends w/ women that you don't have a sexual interest in. I'll let you know how she looks when we go to lunch in the next couple weeks or so (after the swelling goes down a little more). she's happy, so that's good. she spent $20g on surgery, so she should be happy. she should be effing ecstatic.

in other news, my white jetta driving friend Jen has a stalker. (who doesn't know a girl named Jen? and a girl that drives a jetta? whatever - Jen is cool.) this weirdo has managed to strike just the right note of desperation and creepy obesssion. I was going to add my own comments but I realized the awfulness would shine through all on its own. I really, really liked #2. I think it's my new shorthand for "complete douchebag".
anyway, here's her email:
-----------------------------
hmm....what else is new in my world...well, I have a
stalker. That's right. A stalker. I'll include his
latest note he left on my car at work:

#6 is the creepiest given this is my (or should i say
was my) exact routine every day.

"Top 10 Reasons why you should email me and/or say
hello at lunch some time"

10. Because I'm not a serial killer or an
axe-murderer.

9. I'm actually reasonably polite, often nice, usually
sarcastic, sometimes intelligent, occasionally
interesting, very well traveled & i don't smell bad.

8. Maybe we're long lost Siamese twins separated by
birth.

7. Because I dont' really care if you have a
boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, 14 children or 20
adopted kittens - i'm just curious who you are.

6. So I can stop obsessing about being at Whole Foods
every day between 11:45 & 12:15.

5. Because i know some funny stories and a couple good
jokes.

4. Maybe you don't speak english - no problem. I can
butcher my way through spanish, french, italian,
german, and i can embarrass myself thoroughly in
portugese, danish and i used to be able to count to
10,000 in bahasa, count to 5 in quechua and i can
still count to 3 in mandarin.

3. Because i used to own a VW.

2. To gulp from life, not sip.

1. So I can stop thinking of you as "White Jetta Whole
Foods Salad Bar Girl."

Yeah. His earlier note basically professed his undying
obsession & devotion to "living for those few moments"
he sees me everday. great.

this is actually my life. i have a stalker. awesome.
--------------------------
oh snap!
thanks for reading.

red flags

because I'm such a huge success at dating I thought it would be fun to go over some Dating Red Flags*. not for any particular reason, except maybe as a reminder to myself. anyway, in no particular order, here's some stuff to look out for, and/or that I've encountered in my dating life:

• an open sore on her face - I went on a first date with a girl and she had a "cold sore". she should have had the good sense to reschedule, put her best foot forward, etc. she had some issues she was working through, no doubt about that. I found out later that she was a lesbian. (really)
  
• a girl that takes more than an hour to get ready - if you can't take a shower, get your hair sorted, get dressed, and get your makeup on in sixty minutes or less then we can't hang out. The problem with a girl that takes a really long time to get ready is that she probably...
• looks super weathered in the AM - if you look really rugged first thing in the morning then that's a Red Flag for sure. if a girl looks cute w/ her makeup all smeared and her hair all over the place, then she's a keeper. side note: close friend was telling me about his crazy roommate, and saying she meets guys on myspace and she's constantly meeting new guys and they only last for 2 weeks, and then they bounce. I said yeah for sure, she's cuter in pictures than in person. He says, no, it's not that; they bounce after they stay the night and see her the morning after. ohhh, snap!
  
• girl that doesn't work out - trust me honey, it'll catch up with you someday. and by then it'll be too late, b/c it's much, much harder to lose weight than it is to stay in shape.
  
• girl that doesn't eat - please, eat something.
  
• girl that has a miniature dog she treats like a child - you, as the new guy, will be competing for the dog's attention. forever. you're better off dating a girl that has a kid. note: if the girl has a full-sized dog then it's okay. you can take the dog for walks, hang out, etc. it's the toy dogs, and their owners, you need to avoid.
  
• girl that thinks cosmo is gospel, and/or that thinks she is "just like" a character on Sex and the City - Cosmo is full of lies from the pit of hell, and it's just crazy to think that you are someone on TV. I think I stopped dreaming about being someone on TV when Knight Rider went off the air in 1986. I was 12.
  

that's my partial list. I'll add more as time allows.
thanks for reading.

* = if you follow my dating advice you may be condemned to the same dating "success" that I have, so take all this with a grain of salt.

do you know what time it is? this guy doesn't....

ran into a post on the Guardian (not the Bay Area Guardian - GJAW is international, remember?) about a guy that took forty thousand hits of ecstasy. as in, 40,000. as in, up to 25 a day at one point. who could afford it? here's an excerpt from the article:

Though the man, who is now 37, stopped taking the drug seven years ago, he still suffers from severe physical and mental health side-effects, including extreme memory problems, paranoia, hallucinations and depression. He also suffers from painful muscle rigidity around his neck and jaw which often prevents him from opening his mouth. The doctors believe many of these symptoms may be permanent.

Yikes! it turns out that the guy also smoked a lot of weed, and there's no way to know if that also contributed to his memory loss. also, it's not mentioned directly, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that a guy doing 20 hits a day, and smoking weed, is also shooting/snorting/swallowing/smoking whatever else he can get his grubby, money-filled hands on. personal side note: i, ahh, know people that know people that do recreational drugs, and they are not very particular about mixing their poison, so to speak. it's not a clinical trial, controlled conditions, etc and so forth. it's more like watching a comptetitive eating contest on late-night ESPN: excessive, and you feel like you better stand back or you'll get sucked in.

so we're not talking about just an epic E bender for Mr. A (guy in the article). also, I think 40k is a little high (pardon the pun! HONK!). let's cut the estimate down by 25%. damn. 30,000 hits of e. that's a lot. let's do the math: at 2 pounds a pill (the going rate for hits in London), he took, umm, let's see, carry the one, add several zeroes, lose appetite, start sweating just thinking about it, ahhhh... about $120,000 in drugs. where did all the money come from? he had to be a dealer or a rich kid, or both.
moral of the story: don't do enough drugs to wire the entire city of Oshkosh, WI (est. pop 63,916).
thanks for reading.

the new single mom in my condo complex is kinda hot...

I don't know where this girl's babydaddy is, but she brought her little ones to my back porch yesterday, looking for a handout. maybe dad was out looking to score. I dunno.
I snapped a photo so I could show you how we hold it down in CM.
also, since I'm a fan of single moms, I went ahead and threw some bread back there. mom isn't too picky, since she also ate some kind of leaf off the back porch. what the heck? after she ate they all wandered over to the little creek (background) and paddled away. awwwww! cute!
okay get back to work.

ever'body seen a leprechaun say yeah! YEAH-YUH!

I wish I were clever enough to make this stuff up.
but I'm not. you need to get yourself over to ifilm.com immediately if not sooner and watch this video. it is work safe. no swear words. it's a news program from alabama. I think local news is retardo, but sometimes they come up with some genius. here's the address, in case the link doesn't come through. http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2714833

I think i'm related to the one guy w/ the flute. in the body armor. the one with the Irish grandfather? that guy.

ever'body seen a leprechaun say yeah!
YEAH-YUH!

taking sketchy pervyness to a whole new level (not me); plus, did you make out?

so I work at an office that's fairly standard in my office experience. there's the usual cute receptionist girl at the front desk; sales guys talking on their gay star trek earpieces ("buy buy! sell sell sell!"); the shady corporate real estate guy I run into down at the bar sometimes (not wearing his wedding ring, hitting on girls); the regular guy that swings by my office to talk about his kid, his family, football; and the hot women from the HR staffing company (alas, uninterested in me in anything but a professional capacity).

there's also the older creepy perv, an older character common in any office environment. but this guy has taken old creepy perv to a whole new level. now, i'm no spring chicken at 32, but this OCP is a good 2x my age if he's a day. here's what happened:
I walk up to the front desk at about 1530 and the girl is answering the phones (as per usual), and the creepy perv is handing her a small shotglass of clear liquid (definitely not as per usual). has to be water, because what else could it be? he gives me a funny look and scuttles away, and the girl looks at me and says, "don't worry, i'm not drinking it." I look confused because she says, "really, i'm not; I don't drink at work." I said, "was that booze?" she says, yeah, tequila, he has a bar in his office and he thinks i like to drink, so he brings me a shot EVERY DAY. all I could say to her was "ooooookay. that's disturbing."

WTF? brings you a shot of booze? just to get you through the day? what's next, he's going to ask you to sit on his lap? ugh, so creepy.

and also...
i'm on the phone with a close friend, catching up. I ask if he's got any ladies, or any prospects. he says, well, kind of - I went on a date last night but she drinks too much. me: huh? he says, she told me a story about how she got so drunk last weekend in [unnamed city] that she fell on her face, then she went out and kept drinking.
Me: wow, sounds like a keeper. great story to tell on a first date, btw. did you make out?
him: no, she still has a couple scabs on her face from where she ate shit.

ouch! double ouch! love you too!
thanks for reading.

is that hot?

ahh, can we get back to some pithy social commentary? no? okay.
what about some good old-fashioned criticism? yeah? super.

is a statue of a pregnant Britney Spears bent over on all fours, on a bearskin rug, with the baby coming out of, her, ahh, babymaker, hot? is it? the article says the baby is "coming out the other end." nicely put. you can't see it from this angle, but you can imagine K-Fed getting ready to make a play on the ball, as it were, and catch the little tyke on his exit. maybe you can't imagine it. I dunno.

the sculptor claims that this is a pro-life image. I don't see that, but the bear looks pissed he got turned into a rug.

going under the knife - 17 April (mark your calendar)

the fat kid (me) scheduled surgery on his lower back (17 April! mark your calendar!). oh, pardon me, "low back". when you talk about these things all the time you leave out the "-er". very official sounding.
just in case you thought a "right L4-5 microdiskectomy" was a routine procedure, allow me to reproduce part of my surgical consent form. It lists no fewer than 18 potential risks and complications related to this outpatient procedure. Some highlights (numbers correspond to where they appear in the actual list on the form):

2) recurrent herniation [not so bad, all things considered.]

5) nerve root injury resulting in temporary or permanent loss of function, causing pain, numbness, and/or weakness [now you have my attention]

6) paralysis resulting in loss of all lower extremity function as well as loss of bowel and/or bladder function, and/or sexual function [item 6 is worse than item 18]

7) persistent or increased pain

10) disc degeneration resulting in chronic back pain which may require spinal fusion

11) instability, causing excessive motion in spine, resulting in pain that may require spinal fusion

14) pneumonia [from the anesthetic]

16) pulmonary embolus [this would cause paralysis or brain damage, or #18]

17) stroke

18) death [yikes!]

on the upside, the doc says that none of these things is likely. I was thinking about it, and I realized it's easy to fret about the probability that bad things might happen. you could get hit by a car on your way to work, fall down some stairs, get dumped on valentine's day, whatever. does no good to worry about it.
the best news about the whole deal: I might get better.

surgery details:

• operation lasts about 90 minutes.
• I go home the same day. take a week off of work, spend time playing xbox, reading, practicing guitar, watching movies.
  
• pt starts 4-7 days after surgery
• after 8 weeks they expect I'll be 90% healed. just can't run.
  

reprinted without permission

this is a cartoon by David Rees.
it is reprinted without permission, but I doubt anyone will notice. I didn't hear about David Rees until he started getting his cartoon printed in Rolling Stone.
You can go and visit his website to learn more about his other cartoons, his causes and commitments, and his public engagements. I also encourage you to read his essay on the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus; it is fascinating.
in the mean time, just embrace the hell out of this little gem.

dispatch from norcal

trying an email post, since my intrepid computer system in the frozen north can't seem to stay connected to the blog server. or something. you don't care.
insight from this week:

• response from this weeks earlier post about "getting your ex back" was good. I aim to please. I heart your feedback. it's weird, because there are a lot of other posts that I thought were much more funny than that one. but I just work here. and take naps.
  
• "red eye" is a crap movie.
  
• newest harry potter movie is pretty good.
  
• not swearing for lent is going okay. I have to give $2 to charity every time I stumble. I'm up to $72 so far. I figure I'll just cut the church a check when I get to $100 and then cut another one when lent is over. there was some disagreement between a friend and I about whether or not it was fair to give up swearing, since I shouldn't be doing that anyway. he's a catholic, and we're never going to see eye to eye anyhow, but I said it was a vice, so it was a great thing to give up. he said, not much of a sacrifice. I said, yeah, then you try it. he gave up sweets.
  
• JJ Redick and Co. got bounced out of the ncaa tournament by LSU. the man guarding him was precisely the type of player he'll have to compete against in the NBA. he might find his niche shooting the ball, but I doubt it. oh well. Duke will have to get by with another 3 or 4 McDonald's all-americans next year. it helps being on tv 30 times, too. oh, and having your coach in those chevy ads that run every 14 seconds. i think they'll be okay.
  

that's all I have for now. i've been out of town on business all week. so nothing funny has happened. at least, nothing I can write about yet. i'll have something for you next week. probably.

it's that easy: get back with your ex!

every now and then I discover something so superb, so delicious, and so damn AWFUL that I have to post it on the blog for everyone to see. immediately if not sooner.

today's little gem comes from exback.com, which is a website devoted to "getting back" your ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend. full disclosure: I was in a relationship a while ago and I was bummed when it didn't work out. I did some venting on the interweb, but I never thought to search for ways to "get her back." I guess i just wasn't brokenhearted enough. or maybe I realized, deep down, that as much as I liked her she wasn't the right girl for me. probably a little of both. moving on, let's take a closer look at this website and its proven techniques...

ignoring the sales stuff at the top, let's get to the section that says:
"Please don't do any of this..."

The scary thing is that the natural reaction people have when they try to get back together with their ex is actually pushing their ex's further away... even though it seems like the right thing to do!

Have you tried any of the following to get your ex back:

• Telling your ex you love them over and over? [no. I told them I was in love with someone else, but that didn't work, either.]
  
  
• Apologizing and swearing that things will be different from now on? [apologizing? different? how about, promising that things will be the same, but better?]
  
  
• Using money, kids, jealousy, or some other kind of manipulative leverage to "force" them to come back? [using money is what pimps do. so yes, I have done that.]
  
  
• Acting depressed so that your ex will feel bad for you and come back? [acting depressed? who was acting?]
  
  
• Giving your ex reassurance that you have changed so they should try again? [if by "changed" you mean "gotten fat because I have been drinking heavily" then yeah, for sure.]
  
  
• Trying to reason and argue with them about why they should give the relationship another chance? [no, I have never tried to reason w/ a woman, because that is like trying to smell the color blue: impossible, and crazy.]
  

The thing goes on and on about how to get back with your ex and repair your relationship. It could be really good, but there's no way I'm going to put $24 in this guy's pocket.
this is his PPS to the whole thing:

P. P. S. Don't be frustrated and confused for another day. Just CLICK HERE to get started now.

yeah, no more frustration and confusion in relationships for only $24? cheap at twice the price! sign me up!

shorter entries: good; more pictures: gooder

Big weekend. I celebrated St. Patrick's day by watching basketball and drinking a lot of beer. None of it was green. I also ate some corned beef (not green), fish and chips (not green), and mexican food (you get the idea). Hooray, st. pat's. saturday and sunday were pretty slow. I really need to get out more. I also practiced guitar (still sucking!) and read some books.

On the Fire Dick Vitale front, he's still not fired, and he's still retardo.

I wish I had a good story about text vs. subtext because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. but i don't.

unrelated: sometimes things don't go my way. but sometimes they do.
I have tattoos on my arms (it's just a skin picture!) to remind me of this, but it's too easy to focus on the negative. you have to give the negative and the positive equal weight. if i do that, I realize that things have gone right for me in every measurable way except one: I'm not dating anyone right now and I'm bored. so I focus on all the other things that go right, and try not to let it bug me. i'm not even looking to date anyone right now. i just like the distraction. it's fun.

in roommate news, we got a new guy. he's cool. and I think he'll pay his bills on time, which I appreciate.
more later.

what has two thumbs and kicks ass?!?? THESE GUYS!!!; and so much more

yeah it's been a busy week at GJAW.
I get these blog ideas but then I have too much paper to push and I can't get to it. first, the latest picture. I am much too proud of it, but there you go. you have to take your laughs where you can get them, I guess.

I got pummeled in a sparring match on monday. bloody nose, scrapes on my forehead, sore ribs. I am not good at boxing. at all. it was kind of depressing. it IS kind of depressing. God humbles the proud, but did I have to take a beating? I guess so.

while I was at the gym, I heard "i'm in luv wit a stripper". yes, that is how it is spelled. I read it in rolling stone yesterday. and yes, that's the name of a new song by T-Pain. it's all over power 106 (crap radio station in so cal) and I think the album dropped already. ata kid, T-Pain. If you have not heard this song, please check it out immediately. This guy is in love wit a stripper, yo. It's so bad it's good. I bought the 12" single (on vinyl). two copies. (only $3.50 each!)

tattoos: it's just a skin picture. really, it's not a big deal. if you see some kook with words where his eyebrows should be, just say to yourself, damn, that guy needs therapy. the same thing you'd say if you saw somebody with a really gnarly facelift, as when you blink and your ears move.

I was going to write an entire blog entry about a woman who lost her son Iraq to an IED. he was killed with 8 other marines when they were riding in their humvee. She was on the front the provincial OC Register's Life or Local section. I forget which. here's the thing: this poor mom, she memorialized the soldiers by getting her new Hummer H2 painted with their pictures. on the whole thing, front, back, both sides, top. she said (paraphrasing) "my favorite part is where it shows them in heaven." let's explore this thought process a little bit...

1. son and 8 of his friends dies in awful, miserable country, thousands of miles from home/girlfriend/cheeseburgers/etc. [this is awful; I support the troops by suggesting they be brought home YESTERDAY, but we can't, because of our dependence on foreign oil, about which see #3, below]
   
2. mom grieves [so far, I got it]
3. Mom decides that painting her [huge, gas guzzling] SUV is best way to remember their sacrifice. [what. the f*ck. are you talking about. not sure how she got from step two to step 3. but I don't have kids, either. my mom has done this kind of stuff, and she is crazy for sure.]
   

St. Patrick's day is tomorrow. I took the day off. I don't get any work done that day, anyway. Here's some toasts you can try out as you raise a glass:

• May your house be too small to hold all your friends (got that from gramps)
• May those that love us, love us. And for those that do not love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limping (that from the interweb a couple years ago)
• Here's to old, new, and future friends (it's good to plan ahead)
  

some people are big fans of this eye-contact-while-cheersing thing. I am not. it's awkward with guys, and with girls I feel like they want to bone me. turns out that most of the time they don't, but it's still a little awkward. a little.

you can put your NCAAA tournament bracket on the list of things I don't care to hear about, directly below your fantasy football team, but above your rotisserie league team. I do like to talk about the individual games, though. I like Monmouth to beat Villanova. (for real.)

re: guitar playing - I suck spectacularly. and my fingers hurt. on the upside, if I practice for 2 years I probably won't be in danger of taking a beating (unlike my other hobby, boxing, about which see above).

this could have been two blogs, but what the hell? I'll revisit it later. thanks for reading.

i'm out of town all week next week and can't post. I'll be back on Monday, 27 March.

new(ish) music, and I now suck at playing guitar

One of the roommates works for a music distributor. He gets a lot of free music, and nearly all of it is crap. Every now and then he'll loan me a cd to listen to, or, rarely, give me one. When he does, it's up to me to put it on the ipid, play it at home, or listen in the car. Sometimes he gets stuff before it breaks, and I ignore it (Matisyahu was on my floor for 3 months before he realized I never listened to it and he took it back). Other times he'll have a choice between two cd's at work, such as Fall Out Boy and, umm, The Lashes, and he'll grab the Lashes cd. bust.

But every now and then he comes home with something really good. Late last year it was Andrew Bird and and album called The Mysterious Production of Eggs. If you like Bright Eyes, or the Decemberists, or Sufjan Stevens, then you'll dig Andrew Bird. He must be huge in the Netherlands, because he's doing a bunch of shows there and his manager is dutch. who knew?

more recently, the roommate brought home Panic! At the Disco, which was good but they're the indie-hipster band of the moment so that was easy. recently big in the UK and looking to break here in the US is Hard-Fi. if you like Bloc Party then you might like Hard-Fi. they're on Atlantic now, so i'm sure you'll hear about them fairly soon.

in other news, my friend sam sold me his old guitar. This is a great opportunity to suck at something. haven't had a chance to do that recently (relationships excepted), so i'm looking forward to it. sort of. the guitar sounds great. I do not. i tried to get it to make beautiful noises last night. no luck.
thanks for reading.

the ONLY thing that would make that picture any better...

... is if it had Chuck Norris in it.
I think that's him in the background, in the serape.
I mean it.

long on pictures, short on content; plus, is it fun to be your ex's buddy?

I have been recently jealous of images posted on other blogs. and then somebody sent me a picture of a naked david hasselhoff w/ two little shar pei puppies, one in his lap to cover up his junk. i refuse to post it; resolution was poor, but it was definitely him. I hear he's huge in germany. if you know what I mean. and I think you do.

I wanted to post my desktop picture so that you can see how we do it here at GJAW. it's pc, it's big 80's, and it's easily the sweetest interweb photo i've ever gotten. best part is I've only gotten it a couple of times. it's a relative rarity. and resolution is good. I invite you to send it to all your friends. I'd put my initials in the corner, but I have no idea where it came from, and I can't take credit for it.

in other news, is it fun to be your ex's buddy? I'm saying, umm, no. I can't do it. I have had two friends that were really good at it. one turned out to be gay, and the other is just very sensitive. me, I can't do it. if you can, more power to you. I figure, if you could be buddies then why break up in the first place? in my case (pun intended - HONK!) you get dumped because you put too much pressure on the relationship and keep having freakouts. nicely done. that's not a good foundation for buddy-ness. it also depends on the girl. some girls, they heart being buddies. I think my ex would loooove to be buddies.

somehow that makes the breakup suck even worse.

pointless commentary: Dick Vitale still gets a paycheck

I read that Dick Vitale is on the ballot for the Basketball HOF.
(begging your pardon, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.)

I'm unclear exactly what The Dick's contribution to basketball has been. He is bland, witless, vague, and utterly useless as an announcer. Maybe he was a better coach, although if he were, he would probably still be coaching. Instead, he found a niche for himself as a rah-rah hoops announcer, where ability is less important than bombastic tone. Fortunately there is room in the ESPN studio for guys like Jay Bilas, who isn't afraid to describe game action in measured tones. DickyV just screams cliches and catchphrases and adds nothing. For this he gets nominated to the HOF? How does that happen? The guy might know a lot about basketball, but we'll never know. It's too much "awesome, baby!" and "diaper DANDY!!". tedious.

for an example of saying nothing about something, see the following articles "written" by dick vitale.
http://espn.go.com/dickvitale/060301VitaleonAssistantCoaches.html
http://espn.go.com/dickvitale/060303VitaleRoundballtalk.html

I really liked the one on assitant coaches that were former head coaches. Dicky V always shills for assistants to get head coaching jobs at new places because he got fired once and it sucked for him. What he doesn't do is identify coaches that are doing a bad job and need to move on. Everyone always does a great job in dickyland. Where are these new jobs going to come from? Isn't somebody doing a bad job somewhere? we'll never know.

back, but still mediocre; lenten commitments: son of a b!

hello faithful readers. I have not rewarded your vigilance with an update in quite some time. I just haven't felt like it. the general malaise that came over me 3 weeks ago still lingers. sure i've had a chance to shake it off. sort of. but it's tougher than I thought. these things happen, etc. and so forth.

I watched most of a carolina/duke basketball game and it was great because Duke lost. at home. dick vitale was so overblown with his superlatives that I thought his fat head was going to go supernova and black hole all at once: explode, and then collapse in on itself because of its tremendous mass. the black hole would have wiped out Cameron Indoor Arena, a nice bonus.

but it didn't happen. if it had, you probably would have heard about it. probably. Duke dropped all the way to number 3 in the polls after they lost 2 games in one week. Fairly generous, if you consider that other teams might have dropped out of the top 10. However, I felt it was fair, because Duke was very good all year. Not the best team in the country (hellooooo, UCONN!), but very good.

the olympics were on. I didn't watch much. there was some curling. and some figure skating. and that skier that liked to party didn't do well. he came off as kind of a jerk, but i never met the guy, so who knows? he probably just doesn't care about being on TV. he obviously doesn't care about doing well at his job, since he's been sucknutsass all year on the world cup circuit. so he was sucknutass at the olympics. who cares? maybe nike and atomic. and the other skiers that know they can beat him every week, they care a lot.

re: lent, per a suggestion from a friend, I am giving up swearing. even my tried and true swear words I used when I was a more hard-core christian (b**** and a**). i've let them all go. it took me all of 20 minutes this morning to stumble, so this is going to be a bit more work than I anticipated. but I'm working on it. I was going to give up my only other serious vice, booze, but st. patrick's day is coming up. some things even I can't do.